Poll of the Day > My mother keeps on bitching at me because I suck at talking to people.

(+) Yeah! (+)

She's overheard a few of my phone interviews and I've been aware for some time I stutter and say umn a lot when trying to think for answers to questions.

I find it very hard to give coherent answers under pressure and generally speak better when I am not under pressure.

Anyone have any ideas on how to fix this?

(Hey look a question from me that cannot be fixed with therapy)
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Judgmenl posted...

Anyone have any ideas on how to fix this?

Eh I'm the same when it comes to interviews. I always say things that don't make much sense and I only work that out once I've said it. This is during face to face interviews. I'd imagine it would be more easy in telephone interviews as you could write down answers to general questions that are asked and follow the script. Of course this isn't full proof as a unexpected question probably will be asked but if that's the case I'd just wing it. It'll cover the basics, free your mind up and make you a bit more relaxed and confident though knowing you have a safety net.
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wwinterj25 posted...

Of course this isn't full proof as a unexpected question probably will be asked but if that's the case I'd just wing it.

Yes, I work in an industry which has a very wide girth of technical questions that can be asked which are not really possible to prep for. If you do prep and are not prepared for certain questions I find it hard to context-switch to the proper train of thought, even if I actually know the answers to the questions already.

I think there's a related case where someone will ask me a question (this happens frequently between my mother and I) where I will not expect that question to happen and I will "lock up" and give some bullshit answer and not actually speak my mind. This frequently comes up when my mother say something like "How warm was it outside" and I don't have an answer for her because despite just going outside my mind didn't find that information pertinent.
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Speech therapy
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It can be hard to learn not to say umm a lot. We had to basically practice that when we were having a speech for a class type thing. So, practice. And if you have to, instead of saying umm, just say nothing. They should hopefully understand that you are only thinking. As for the stuttering, I don't know about that. Sorry.
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I don't believe these work for everyone (and I don't do them all myself), but see if any of these sound doable to you:

- Wear a suit
- Stand up while you're talking
- Prepare answers for commonly-asked questions. Have these written down, but don't make it sound like you're obviously reading off a script
- Look off any other notes you can, it's not like they see you doing this (but don't read so much that you don't pay attention to their questions)
- Ask them to repeat the question, or ask some clarifying point about it, to buy time to think of an answer (just don't do this all the time)

Cacciato posted...

Speech therapy

LinkPizza posted...

It can be hard to learn not to say umm a lot. We had to basically practice that when we were having a speech for a class type thing. So, practice. And if you have to, instead of saying umm, just say nothing. They should hopefully understand that you are only thinking. As for the stuttering, I don't know about that. Sorry.

We had a public speaking class in uni. I have "fond" memories of yelling "just fuck it" during one of my speaking assignments because I lost my train of thought. Same thing applies here. I just blank out. The information is there but I am not able to access it for whatever reason.

e.g.

Today I was asked what "static" meant when it came to programming in C. I know the answer to this, I've worked with static variables and static functions extensively in my past jobs. I took me a good 2 minutes of silence to recall that information, despite it being pretty damn trivial. Like I just cannot recall information while under stress unless I am prepared for it.

Or maybe it has to do with not regularly accessing this kind of information? It is not something I have worked with in a few months, to a few years.

Or I simply lock up while under any amount of pressure. It's insane.
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Was it really two minutes, or did it just seem like that because of your anxiety? I have a hard time imagining that the interviewer wouldn't have spoken up within two minutes of no answer. Did you even talk through it at all?

And I don't think it's that big of a deal, sometimes you just understand things wrong or forget things under the pressure. I remember one time somebody was trying to ask me a Linux question and I think the answer was "sudo", a pretty basic command, but I couldn't come up with it at the time. But I doubt that was the make or break moment. Just try not to make all of your answers like that.

Just keep at it and try not to get discouraged

For some people it comes naturally, others have to work at it like its a skill, eventually youll become more comfortable
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Judgmenl posted...

Anyone have any ideas on how to fix this?

Practice your responses to questions out loud. Don't do it to sound rehearsed. Try to feel more comfortable and prepared for what you plan to go over in an interview.

And honestly, this does go in hand with your anxiety and therapy could be a tool to help ease it.
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Listen to other people talk a lot, you pick up on things you don't really do.

Also, find a space with a whole bunch of other awkward nerds so you can take your time getting the right sentence.
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shadowsword87 posted...

Also, find a space with a whole bunch of other awkward nerds so you can take your time getting the right sentence.

I really had no idea what this was trying to say for a sec... are you saying look for a job where everyone is awkward? I don't think that works. Well, if such a place existed, it might work. But people who make it to management (i.e. ones who tend to make hiring decisions) tend to be the less awkward ones. And you have to talk to HR at some point with most places.

SteamedHams posted...

I really had no idea what this was trying to say for a sec... are you saying look for a job where everyone is awkward? I don't think that works. Well, if such a place existed, it might work. But people who make it to management (i.e. ones who tend to make hiring decisions) tend to be the less awkward ones. And you have to talk to HR at some point with most places.

A place where nerdy awkward people hang out?

Board game meetups, Magic the Gathering games, kind of tabletop RPG stuff.
You know, games where you actually need to physically go places to play, and have to give at least some amount of social skills (i.e. not stink, not be a creepy perv, and not be a raging asshole). Once you get down the basics, people are pretty cool.
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Concentrate on not saying it. Consciously remind yourself to skip the "um" part. I do the same thing.
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See, that's initially what I thought you meant, but I don't get the "take your time getting the right sentence" part. So then I went in the direction that you were saying find a job where people don't judge how awkward your interviews are.

I guess you still are saying that people won't judge/notice as much, but then what's the endgame? Is it really good practice if it's just people who will help to reinforce bad habits?

SteamedHams posted...

See, that's initially what I thought you meant, but I don't get the "take your time getting the right sentence" part. So then I went in the direction that you were saying find a job where people don't judge how awkward your interviews are

I guess that's more of a me thing. I'm honestly always more than happy to spend 10 seconds waiting for someone to get the right word. Hell, everyone forgets every once in a while it's not a big deal.

Getting good at talking is a large part of just about knowing what the hell you're talking about and it's routine.

SteamedHams posted...

I guess you still are saying that people won't judge/notice as much, but then what's the endgame? Is it really good practice if it's just people who will help to reinforce bad habits?

The other solution is to get a nono can that you shake at them every time there's a f***up? People take time to get it down, and you're not reinforcing bad habits if the person is actively trying to get better.
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So basically what you're saying is he should find some kind of welcoming environment for him where he can practice speaking to people? That makes sense, I just got tripped up on your wording.

Exactly.
And no problem, I'm honestly also bad at talking. I just know stuff like DnD has helped me out a whole bunch for that, and people should check it out for stuff other than mechanics.
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Anyone get common questions like "Tell us a little about yourself" or "What are your strengths and weaknesses" or "What can you contribute to the company that no one else can" or "What was your last job like". Etc. I think those are common questions you can help prepare yourself for. But also think of the technical questions not on that list that would come up for the type of job you're interviewing for like you said. I think that if you're asked a variety of technical questions, even if the interview is a failure you may be asked something about static variables for instance in the future again, so failure to bring the right answer and mentally bringing it up over and over in your head may prepare you for every interview out there and without needing a whole lot of effort.

Enlist someone to click or make some other audible signal to you whenever you use fillers when you are rehearsing something. That can help you become aware of these "distracting" and "problematic" things.
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BE THE BOSS!

That's my only advice. It applies sometimes.
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Judgmenl posted...

My mother keeps on bitching at me because I suck

I also feel this would be more accurate of what happened.
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I don't have answers I'm dumb too. I keep tryin though
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Practice makes perfect. If doing more of it doesn't help, then it's just not in your nature.
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