I'm opening for a local improv group tomorrow; I've got about four minutes' worth and could use another minute, but here's what I've got so far:
I'm sorry gang, I'm not feeling it tonight; I lost my iPhone last night and just couldn't get any sleep. I even tried to count sheep, but I couldn't: I didn't have my app for that. Whatever though, I'm here, so let's put my best foot forward -- the one with five toes.
I also forgot to work out earlier, so I hope you don't mind I do it now. I may break a sweat, but don't worry, it's just a routine I do every day: five hundred kegels. Let's begin...one...two...if you don't know what I'm doing, DON'T GOOGLE IT, okay? Just ask a friend. If you Google it, you'll see some pictures you can't unsee. Six...seven...
...okay, let's get to the jokes already. If you know this first one, say it with me: what has two thumbs and doesn't give a damn about their job? Everybody in here...wow you guys were off. I'm a telemarketer by day, so *middle finger* right back atcha'. If you're not on the Do Not Call-list, it's your own fault; it's free, easy to find, and we don't want to talk to you either. I just got promoted though, which is nice in the same way being promoted at McDonald's is nice...except McDonald's won't wake you up over some chicken nuggets you haven't paid for yet. I actually had McDonald's for breakfast today. I wanted to eat something healthier, but I was out of Captain Crunch.
You hear some amazing things at telemarketing. You know how sometimes if you're on-hold you'll have some music to listen to? Tell me if I'm the only one who found this weird: I called a hospital in Texas that had me on-hold listening to Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." Yeah, that's their alternative to Obamacare. While we're on Texas, I'd like to congratulate Texas Instruments: the TI-83 calculator is the only thing from that state to know basic math.
The expectations of work can be dumb sometimes, things like the dress-code. For example, ties: ties are so over-rated, they could play for the Heat. Why should ties ever be mandatory in a job where customers can't see you? I understand it may not be best to let your employees wear whatever they want; with that kind of freedom, there would be so many young adults with Cheeto-stained sweatpants smelling of weed UT would turn it into a dorm...
...100, 101, 102...
...some black friends of mine have recently dubbed me an honorary black man, which was how I found out I was white. My friends need to tell UT though, because they're refusing to give me any minority scholarships. I say it's time to march, tonight -- right after The Cleveland Show ends. I'm kidding, of course -- none of us watch The Cleveland Show.
Last, to celebrate opening for our improv group Einstein Simplified, I wanted to write a joke about them...but after some research, what I discovered was horrifying: they aren't simplifying Einstein at all! They don't even have anything to do with Einstein! Einstein was a genius, for example, whereas Roy [EI's host] personally still struggles with Baby Einstein. If you REALLY want Einstein simplified, read Einstein's Wikipedia-page.
That's my time, thank you.
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Well, I'll say good luck it doesn't look easy being a stand up comic.
And, well, it seems kinda like you're less trying to be funny and more just touching on all sorts of random "hot" issues, I think you could replace some of the buzz stories with, say, funny anecdotes? Talk about yourself more? Etc etc.
-- One Piece: Pirates with style! -= Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Action =-
Last, to celebrate opening for our improv group Einstein Simplified, I wanted to write a joke about them...but after some research, what I discovered was horrifying: they aren't simplifying Einstein at all! They don't even have anything to do with Einstein! Einstein was a genius, for example, whereas Roy [EI's host] personally still struggles with Baby Einstein. If you REALLY want Einstein simplified, read Einstein's Wikipedia-page.
This one doesn't make a ton of sense to me, but I guess the rest of the material is solid. imo a good stand up is 95% presentation, so its hard for me to judge just by the material.
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My Japanese alter-ego. Hey all this is Bartz btw.
Yeah, stand-up's hard from the one other time I've done it and countless times I've seen it. My friend in the troupe invited me to open for them since they're starting to have regular opening acts, so I'm hoping to take some advantage of that opportunity. It'll help me both enjoy the field of comedy more and hone my skills for my playwriting.
Psycho, yeah, I was hoping to have work be a more consistent through-line for the set. There are other funny things that happen there, but it's hard for me to elaborate on them enough to be more than just a mention. I'm hoping the kegel-joke will allow me to bounce away from that topic well enough right now into the other subjects.
King, where did that bit first lose you? I want to make sure the set-up has a good foundation so the rest of it can better work.
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Snailen, the clothes-bit's pretty funny. I don't want to try it this set (that's something I'd want to better work out the timing for), but there's potential for sure. Let it get cooler outside, at least!
FD, I was looking for a better way to specify that joke for awhile. I kept wanting to say "for the Miami Heat," but it didn't have the same hit to it. I like your suggestion to help it, thank you.
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I don't know much about standup aside from having watched a lot of stuff and some documentaries but what always stayed with me is that comedians ALWAYS start with the bits they aren't that sure of and end with what they personally think will get the best reaction. Bartz immediately pointed what was imo the weakest (I liked most of it by the way don't get me wrong) and it's also dead last. You might want to move that up a bit or something. But as said ITT, standup relies heavily on delivery, that's critical.
It's a weak close right now, yeah. I tried to go on about the perks of reading his Wiki-page instead of seeing Einstein Simplified, but it felt forced with my three examples and didn't provide a better end. Maybe I'll go back to it though.
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I think instead of having a lost iphone it should be broken because they always break and Apple sucks and you should add a joke or two about how Apple sucks
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ya right you are case the sunglasses have 3d so i can see right threw their clothes -ertyu (about wearing sunglasses to stare at boobs without girls noticing)
Just a couple pointers from someone who used to do minor bouts of standup.
Get rid of the "...okay, let's get to the jokes already." Don't ever remind people that you're telling jokes. People want to think you're being naturally funny, and reminding them that what you're about to do is "tell jokes" isn't usually a good idea.
Probably shouldn't mention that people shouldn't Google something. If they decide they want to Google it, they'll be paying less attention to your routine, and more attention to understanding a joke and looking at their phones. Might one to cut that one or figure out a better way to introduce it.
I also feel the 5 toes joke is a little silly, almost trying too hard. Maybe it's just me.
Anyway, your set looks pretty solid otherwise, just need to make sure you keep your pacing and don't try to get through it too fast. Just tell it like you're talking to a friend.
Good luck dude!
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There was a signature here. It's gone now. Your face is bees.
Maintain as laid-back an image as possible. Don't sweat the small mistakes -- one or two of them are worth poking self-deprecating jokes at too and those usually get a few laughs.
Breathe normally and you'll be fine. Material's alright. I got a standing ovation on far worse.
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"Mr. Paris, I assume you've had a great deal of experience being rejected by women." ~SCP~ http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png
Get rid of the "...okay, let's get to the jokes already." Don't ever remind people that you're telling jokes. People want to think you're being naturally funny, and reminding them that what you're about to do is "tell jokes" isn't usually a good idea.
I was going to say this as well, by the way, so I'd recommend you follow up on it.
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"Mr. Paris, I assume you've had a great deal of experience being rejected by women." ~SCP~ http://img.imgcake.com/Jeffzeropngus.png
I'd add to the end of the cleveland show joke "We all know that the Cleveland Show is going to move to miami in the end anyway." or something. It feels wrong to have a miami heat joke, a cleveland joke, and then not connect the two in some way.
But that's just me.
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Jon Lovits just killed with a joke on the Charlie Sheen-roast that acknowledged it's a joke, saying "A joke: how much blow has Charlie Sheen done? Enough to kill two and a half men." I'm not a pro, but it's still possible. Its original intention was to really set up a reaction; I think the punch-line's going to work best if I can get the audience to want to say "THIS GUY" and point their thumbs right before I give the real punch-line. Insinuating a common joke's coming is a good start, and at least it's some sort of transition from kegels (by the way, I plan to count kegels again if a joke doesn't land well).
Speaking of transitions, I agree. It'd probably work itself out if I could add more material to some of those segments so it wasn't skipping around so quickly.
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Would you call yourself an "alternative comic"? Because that's how all of this is reading to me. Seems like a really low energy set where you're up there just kind of talking to them. Nothing wrong with that, but it's pretty hard to judge how it will go down in person when my reaction to most of the jokes was just a weak smile. It doesn't look like the type of routine set up with applause breaks and all that, so if you have the "not caring" type of personality onstage, it seems like it would work.
Personally, I'm already sick and tired of "there's an app for that" jokes, so I'm not a fan of your opener. It seems like "safe" way to start off though and could probably give the crowd some level of comfort with you early on.
Otherwise, I like it better than what you posted here last time (it was you who posted a routine a few months back, right?), just need to get some smoother transitions in there.
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ONLY FIVE CAN LADDER. Sushi, kamikaze, fujiyama, nippon-ichi...
I hate to label myself so early (or period!). The beginning almost has to be low-energy and directly to the audience though. I'd allow myself to get more upbeat and comfortable with the audience once I "get to the jokes."
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Minipoooot posted... Never heard of it. Whereabouts is it?
Just off Cedar Bluff. They've got a website too where you can get tickets cheaper than at the door, and I'd even introduce ya to a guy who was in ONLINE FIGHTING earlier this month!
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I can understand the disdain for that punch-line; though I haven't heard many similar jokes, there are other ones that are said too much now. "That's what she said" is the leader of the bunch, but others like "I see what you did there" are none too welcome anymore either.
EDIT: yes, I did the other set a few months ago too. This set's somewhat-actively trying not to tell a big story like the last time. My big lesson from that last set was that funny stories aren't jokes.
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"I figured if their act is nothing to do with that scientist bloke, maybe they're simplifying something else. So I worked it out- "Ein" is German for "One", and a Stein is a drinking vessel. So I went on the internet to look for other acts they could be copying, and searched for "One Cup"... I really hope that's not it"
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"I'm Commander Shepard, and you're standing in the biggest library in Citadel Space. Look me up."
BlackMageJawa posted... "I figured if their act is nothing to do with that scientist bloke, maybe they're simplifying something else. So I worked it out- "Ein" is German for "One", and a Stein is a drinking vessel. So I went on the internet to look for other acts they could be copying, and searched for "One Cup"... I really hope that's not it"
XD
That one is great if you are sure that enough of the audience will understand it.
That's a joke I bet would work. I'd like to shorten the set-up to that...but I mean, that video was an internet-phenomenon of sorts and gets references on TV. There'd be a decent number in the crowd to be familiar with it to some degree.
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I'm fortunate...almost every joke landed! They had a video camera there so -- while it hasn't been confirmed it was recording by then since it's often just for Einstein Simplified -- I'm holding off on more details until the video surfaces or you ask the questions you care about with it.
Until there's an update though, here was my final draft before going on (with some on-the-spot jokes added):
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I'm sorry gang, I'm not feeling it; my iPhone broke last night and I just couldn't get any sleep. I even tried to count sheep, but I didn't have my app for that. Whatever though, I'm here, so I'll put my best foot forward -- the one with five toes.
I also forgot to work out earlier, so I hope you don't mind I do it now. It's just a routine I do every day: five hundred kegels. Let's begin: one, two, three...feel free to join in. If you don't know what I'm doing, now's the time to ask a friend. Ten, eleven...this is actually pretty dangerous. Usually, somebody spots me. Fifteen...
...okay, while I'm working out, let's do a joke. If you know this first one, yell it with me: what has two thumbs and doesn't give a damn about their job? Everybody in here...wow you guys were off. I'm a telemarketer, so *middle finger* right back atcha'. If you're not on the Do Not Call-list, it's your own fault; it's free, easy to find, and we don't want to talk to you either. I just got promoted though, which is nice in the same way being promoted at McDonald's is nice...except McDonald's won't wake you up over some McNuggets you haven't paid for yet. I actually had McDonald's this morning, so now I'm da-da--da-da-da regretting it. I wanted something healthier, but I was out of Captain Crunch.
The expectations of work can be dumb sometimes, things like the dress-code. For example, ties: ties are so over-rated, they could play basketball for the Heat. If you want to look sharper, fine, but why should ties ever be mandatory in a job where customers can't see you? That said, I also understand it may not be best to let your employees wear whatever they want. With that kind of freedom, there would be so many young adults with Cheeto-stained sweatpants smelling of weed UT would turn it into a dorm.
Despite that, telemarketing isn't without its perks, like you can hear some amazing things there. You know how sometimes if you're on the phone and on hold, you'll have some music to listen to? I called a hospital in Texas that had me on hold listening to Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." That's their alternative to Obamacare. While we're on Texas, I'd like to congratulate Texas Instruments: I've decided their TI-83 calculator is the only thing from that state to know basic math.
...298, 299, 300, *breathe* 301, 302...
...recently, some black friends of mine dubbed me an honorary black man, which was how I found out I'm white. My friends need to tell UT though, because they're refusing to give me any minority scholarships. That makes me angry, and if there's one thing America can't handle, it's an angry honorary black man. I say it's time to march, tonight -- right after The Cleveland Show. I'm kidding, of course -- none of us watch The Cleveland Show. I just heard some of my white friends laughing, but I can't seem to find them. Sorry, but you gotta understand that, to me, all white people look alike.
Last, I wanted to celebrate opening for Einstein Simplified...but after some research, what I discovered may surprise you: they aren't simplifying Albert Einstein at all! They're an improv troupe -- they don't even have anything to do with the guy! I just don't see the connection here. Albert, for example, was a genius...whereas Roy still struggles with Baby Einstein. Paul [founder of ES], I see you're at least trying to pay tribute -- not to Albert so much as his moustache, but it's the thought that counts. Here's a pro-tip: if you REALLY want Einstein simplified, you're too late: he already has been. It's called Wikipedia.
500...whew. That's my time, thanks for letting me catch up on working out tonight.
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