Current Events > Am I right to be annoyed with my friends?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I have two best friends, who are a couple. I am single and they will constantly talk to me about dating and stuff. We are teachers and used to work together in the same building. Until last year when I moved to the building literally right nextdoor (so I still see them often, just not every day).
When I switched jobs a new female teacher started at my old building (where my friends still work), she's cute but I figured she was married and since I'm not in that building I've never actually met her or talked to her.
Skip to today I see that new teacher on Bumble, so I message my friends to ask "Hey you work with her, what is she like?" To which my friend responds "Oh she is in our wedding [which I am also in], she was my best friend all through elementary, I helped get her the job at school last year." She had never mentioned this girl being single or even suggested we should meet or anything.

So basically my friends, who know I am single and looking to date someone, had a single friend and never even thought to try and set me up or introduce me.

I'm kind of annoyed, like you know I am single and would like to date someone, you talk to me about it all the time, but apparently you don't think I am good enough to date one of your other friends.

I mean you could just ask them out yourself. People don't owe you anything and it would be awkward for everyone if it doesn't work out.

I have lots of single friends male and female. 99% of them I never think about introducing to the others and trying to "set them up" with each other. On very rare occasions I have thought someone might be a nice match but it is extremely rare. I don't think you are right to be annoyed at all. You seem to act entitled about it since you both happen to be single.

No, it's a bit wrong I'd say

The thing I'd actually be annoyed at is that they didn't even introduce you to her as a friend of a friend kind of thing

archizzy posted...

I have lots of single friends male and female. 99% of them I never think about introducing to the others and trying to "set them up" with each other. On very rare occasions I have thought someone might be a nice match but it is extremely rare. I don't think you are right to be annoyed at all. You seem to act entitled about it since you both happen to be single.

More or less this. Your single status is not their concern.

I understand how you feel TC, but im with your friends on this one. Id never want to hook up one of my single friends with another one of my single friends. If it doesnt work out its a whole shitstorm of choosing sides and not knowing who to believe.

This seems like a stretch to me. I'm single and my friends know it too. They also have single friends. I'm not slighted in the least that they're not trying to set me up with them.

Glob posted...

More or less this. Your single status is not their concern.

True but at the same time, they make it their concern. Basically any girl we see or meet or know they will automatically jump to if I am interested in her or if we should go out on a double date, stuff like that. They spend more time talking about who I should date than I do. If they didn't do that all the time I wouldn't expect them to tell me anything.

KanWan posted...

Why not.. just ask them to do that lol

Now that I know she's single I can handle it on my own.

I didn't really expect them to set me up on a date really (should've clarified that more in the original post), them just mentioning she is single would be more than enough.

billcom6 posted...

never even thought to try and set me up

Yes you are in the wrong. Holy crap I thought this was actually going to be a real grievance.

Naysaspace posted...

Yes you are in the wrong. Holy crap I thought this was actually going to be a real grievance.

This isn't a very serious issue even to me, so try not to get worked up.

billcom6 posted...

True but at the same time, they make it their concern. Basically any girl we see or meet or know they will automatically jump to if I am interested in her or if we should go out on a double date, stuff like that. They spend more time talking about who I should date than I do. If they didn't do that all the time I wouldn't expect them to tell me anything.

Sounds like small talk that youre blowing out of proportion.

I genuinely dont think that theyre in the wrong here and it seems like Im not the only one.

Its probably not nearly as personal as it feels. They probably have so much stuff going on that it didnt cross their minds. Ive felt this way before and its really something that you dont want to dwell on.

there is probably a reason, maybe they already talked about you with her. who knows. maybe they have never tried to set you up with a coworker.

billcom6 posted...

This isn't a very serious issue even to me, so try not to get worked up.

"get worked up"

???
lol he ignored me

no, you're not right. but you sound like you're getting desperate. so at this point just ask your friends to look for you, because that's obviously what you want and they didn't pick up on your completely nonexistent hint.

Naysaspace posted...

"get worked up"

???
lol he ignored me

Yeah hes ignored my perfectly rational response too, he just wants someone to agree with him.

My friends are similar.

The only thing that pisses me off about it is that they've set up other people, but like we're inner circle friends since high school and never made any effort beyond lecturing and criticism for me. One of them, my guitarist, even set up our bassist with his older sister, who are now married and have a child together. Not that I would want to be with his older sister, mind you, however I asked why he thought of setting her up with him instead of me and he was all "It didn't even occur to me" lol.

Kradek posted...

never made any effort beyond lecturing and criticism.

Isnt that effort? Sounds like theyre trying to make you dateable.

I don't hooking up friends with other friends either. You guys are adults, find your own partner. Don't be getting mad at me cause of your own life decisions and hangups.

EmilyTheCEman posted...

Isnt that effort? Sounds like theyre trying to make you dateable.

This is a thread specifically about people going "hey, I've got this single friend, and I've got this other single friend, maybe they'd be interested in talking or going on a date?"

Lecturing and criticism isn't effort, people do that to little kids and pets all the time, often out of annoyance. That's just a normal part of being someone who knows, or thinks they know, more about a subject than the person they're addressing and take the opportunity to speak as an authority.

If they wanted to actually help they'd do a very normal thing that is not only seen amongst peers, coworkers, friends and movies, but as I mentioned it in my own post, where an inner circle friend since HS set up his sister with a mutual inner circle friend since HS without ever factoring me into the equation, even though back then she apparently was crushing on me (she's 2 years older).

Like I said, I wouldn't want to be with her because honestly her sense of humor rubs me the wrong way and we'd probably fight a lot, but after hearing so many stories of "I set up x with y" it becomes clear they never even considered someone they've been good friends with for like 16 years now. It sucks when they pretend to care because they feel obligated to pretend out of friendship, yet it's pretty clear they don't (at least on this subject, not talking shit about them in general or anything, just this very specific subject).

Lol cause suicidal thoughts and pining for a bone are the same exact fucking thing. Jfc @Kradek, get a grip.

I mean if I had a friend who was so lonely that it caused depression, I would not try to hook them up with anyone because that relationship would go horribly wrong. They need professional help first and to learn to feel happy with their own company and that's what I would focus on trying to help with.

With all due respect Kradek, I think you should read everything you just said and ask yourself does this sound like a good catch id set up a girl with?

Seems like you really dont want to hear any feedback for self-improvement from your friends because they might be saying things you dont want to hear and you are already nitpicking the sister over something as trivial as her sense of humor. I missed the other post, but talking about being lonely and/or suicidal isnt exactly a panty dropper either.

Kradek posted...

I deleted my post because I decided I didn't want to get into it, but since we're here anyways, you do realize that the problem can be more than just wanting to bone, right? You do realize that there are people who are alone for so long that loneliness can easily lead to deep depression and thoughts of suicide, right? Cause yeah, your post does make you come off as a shitty friend with a very narrow and self-centered view of things

We're not talking about your player friend who constantly hooks up with random girls on the weekend trying to get with your friend. Obviously those people don't need any help, but it's clear you're not even addressing those people with your "own life decisions" and "hangups" comment, you're just saying your friends who suck at dating and courtship suck ass at life and deserve to be miserable.

So, once again, a shitty friend.

It's not me who needs to get a grip, you're in need of some introspection.

Dude, nobody is obligated to date or befriend you. I'm not a shitty friend just because I don't take it upon myself to supply someone that's alone with a partner. Quit being unhinged.

It's not on your friends to hook you up. It's also possible that they didn't think you and her would be a good mash.

Maybe they just dont think youd be a good fit? Youre coming off like all that should matter is single woman and nothing else which is pretty desperate.

As someone who has been alone and is still alone, I'm well aware of the toll. But I'm also aware that trying to fix the issue with companionship when you're clearly not mentally/emotionally ready is just going to result not only in loneliness again but two people hurt needlessly. You can't fix your problems that way, it doesn't work like that and you're avoiding the root of the issue, you're avoiding learning how to be fine by yourself. And so long as you do, you will always be alone even if you seek out company. That loneliness stems from within and you will never truly be able to love someone like that, nor can they love you back.

Probably for the best that he deleted these last posts, yeesh.

Kradek posted...

No shit nobody is obligated to date or befriend anybody. Any more shit-for-brains advice you've got primed in the chamber? You do sound like a shitty friend based off how adamantly you're against it.

I mean, what if you gave it a shot and they turned out to be perfect for each other? You're obviously not obligated to help them, it's just your shitty attitude against helping them that I'm criticizing.

Sorry man, but I just really don't like solving my friends problems for them. I have my own, my wife's, and my kid's problems to worry about. I can't be sitting up here worrying about my friend's problems too. If my friends are lonely and want to talk, if they want some company, if they want to do something to occupy their time, if they need advice, then I'm here for them. What I'm not going to do is juggle my relationships and attempt to hookup one friend with another. My friend's are adults, they can solve their own problems.

Yeah definitely seems like that guy should just walk away from this topic.

Why'd Bill switch to an alt?

I didn't read the responses, but I have single male and female friends that I definitely do NOT try to set up. Not a dig at anyone but realizing there are compatibility issues.

It's because they don't think you'd be a good match. That's the truth of it.
Ya see people like to play match up, but they also don't want to fail.
They've analyzed you and her and have ultimately decided that it wouldn't work.
They could be horribly wrong or spot on. The fact of the matter is you have to take it into your own hands. Always. You want her? Go try to get her. If it doesn't happen no big deal. There's plenty of people

So I have no idea what is going on in these responses, didn't expect to come back to 30 missed posts.

Back on topic, I was texting my friends about other stuff and my one friend actually brought up why she hadn't mentioned her friend being single, long story short is that she previously said she wasn't trying to date and she didn't know she was putting herself back out there.
And when I said I was annoying it was probably a 1 and a scale from 1-10. If I wasn't bored tonight I probably wouldn't have even wasted the time to make the topic lol.

EmilyTheCEman posted...

I understand how you feel TC, but im with your friends on this one. Id never want to hook up one of my single friends with another one of my single friends. If it doesnt work out its a whole shitstorm of choosing sides and not knowing who to believe.

I agree it could cause issues, but I also hang out with my friends every weekend and I've never seen this woman around so I don't think it would be too much of an issue if things didn't work out. If that is the reason my friend will tell me that.

Maybe they dont think she is your type or you her type. It could make things awkward by trying to play matchmaker and it fails horribly