Current Events > How far off are you from where you imagined yourself as a child?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I had no idea when I was younger and I still don't, so I guess pretty close?

TheGoldenEel posted...
Pretty close actually. That wasnt the case a year or two ago

i was a very smart kid, and people always told me I should be an engineer. I didnt do well in college (because i didnt like electrical engineering which I had chosen) and I spent eight years doing a field service/repair job making okay but not great money

last year though, I took the initiative and brushed up on my programming skills from school and now I have a well paying job as a software engineer. And I just got married to boot. Im living my best life rn tbh

That's nice! Hoping the married life treats you well.

Steelix500 posted...
Really off track, as a kid I wanted to be a train conductor in the NYC subway. Instead I've been in the Army for 6yrs as an avionics technician and now I'm living in Germany.

Do you enjoy it though? I'd love to see Europe at some point in my life.

LightningAce11 posted...

Wanted to be a marine biologist when I was a kid, wanted to go into vfx and animation as a teenager so I accomplished that.

Hey, I'd say both those career options are pretty neat! (I also think I may have talked to you briefly about animation a few months back) You do 3D, if I remember right?

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KogaSteelfang posted...

How did you manage to overcome that? If you have.

I just added pieces of something resembling self care, and through a series of small victories I came to understand that a lot of my problems with the world were merely reflections of the problems I had with myself. I was choosing to live a diseased lifestyle and I was afraid to think about the future because I couldn't even face myself in the present. Nothing had happened to me that I couldn't overcome, I just hadn't even worked hard enough to say "at least I tried".

That realization was extremely profound for me, so I built an entire routine with the objective of cultivating self respect, and I nourished it with discipline and a commitment to love myself so that whatever self assurance I gained would become enduring rather than ephemeral. I always felt so helpless and weak, like I was caught in a current and didn't know where I was going, so I decided to become strong. Not just physically, but I wanted to become strong enough to grasp the self assurance that always seemed out of reach.

I focused all my energy onto only the things that were within my control, and stopped devoting any amount of time thinking about anything I couldn't. I stopped using drugs and alcohol. I created a workout routine that keeps me busy for 12 to 15 hours a week. I started eating healthy foods and taking a multivitamin. I set up a skin care routine. There were more things, but basically I just started treating my body like it was something that was worthy of love, as time passed and I stuck to the routine I started to actually love myself.

I just thought about the person I wanted to be, how I wanted to express myself, and I avowed my dedication to it daily by only taking actions that would help me achieve it. I practiced being mindful and present, every single day, every single interaction. I didn't give myself time to be miserable because I was focusing in each moment on the objective I intended to reach and the next step I would need to reach it.

I'll never forget how intensely I cried when I looked in the mirror and felt like I was worth something. I genuinely respected and loved myself for the first time, and it wasn't some transient validation I'd gotten from anyone else, I had earned it, I made myself matter to me first.

@KogaSteelfang , you have a gentle spirit and you are a fine looking dude. Your family constantly abused you emotionally and psychologically, but their greatest sin is that they only taught you how to hate and abuse yourself by maintaining the negative self perception their actions and words reinforced your entire life. You always look sad in your pictures and I think it's because no one ever taught you how to be happy, I was the same and I believed that I'd live and die having never known what it meant to have pride in myself. I always looked to someone else to shelter me from the hatred I felt toward myself and I always focused on hurtful things people had said as a way to limit my responsibility for my own feelings of hatred, but the only way forward is to just let go of it. The way I've found that worked for me is to just start by pretending and treating myself like I could be someone that I cared about. I started drawing out the strong person I wanted to be, and I used that strength to take control of my life and claim my self respect. I have had failures on this journey, and I still make mistakes all the time, but it never hurts to fail anymore because I know that I put forth my best effort and I can take pride in that, learn from it, and just try something new.

Your life is far from over, but you have to start living it if you ever want to feel happy, that means all of it, the good parts and the bad parts. There's plenty of both AND there's a way to find hope no matter what happens. You don't believe in yourself, so just become someone you can believe in.

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That's certainly a lot to absorb. You have my respect for actually getting yourself sorted out. I'm gonna have give that a few read overs I think.

Thanks for taking the time to respond so in-depth. @DespondentDeity
It's certainly appreciated.

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One of the most difficult things for me was opening myself up to the concept of living as an activity or an experience, rather than simply the given state of being. I closed myself off because I was a coward who was afraid of pain.

Whenever bad or emotionally painful things happened to me, it poured into my brittle heart as overwhelming waves of anger and sadness, fear and doubt, anxiety, depression. I didn't know how to let it go, so I held onto it, resentful and violent thoughts started to form, and I made myself sick with how I started to view other humans, I would see monsters everywhere I looked. I hated going into public, I couldn't bear to see people or the thought of anyone seeing me.

I just shut down, I told myself that if life refused to make me happy, I would refuse to participate. I called this self reliance, but I wasn't effective as a reliable person to begin with; I was capricious, self obsessed, and lazy. In that isolation, the pain only multiplied until the only thing I was certain of about myself was that I was alone, truly, unfathomably alone, it became the only feature of my identity. I worked, and I had a friend there, but I often treated him poorly, lashing out and raising my voice at him, because he had everything I thought I needed to feel complete, things like a house, a beautiful wife, a family that didn't abuse him. I didn't realize until later, I wasn't angry at him for being able to achieve those things, I was angry at myself for failing to become the person I wanted to be. Those things didn't matter and even if I had them at that point I wouldn't have respected them because I didn't respect myself. I wanted it, but I never believed that I actually deserved anything good until I learned to respect who I was.

The most painful lesson was that I would never become that person if I continued to be passive about how I lived my life. I had to participate, I had to put forth effort, and I had to risk failing again and again. I was so afraid at first, I didn't want to try only to end up quitting.

I was maybe two weeks into going to the gym, trying to be regular about it, and this is before I had added any other forms of self care. I had the most frightening thought I've ever had. I hated working out, it was difficult, it hurt, I hated the people seeing me, and I didn't see any changes so I was sure it wasn't working and that I was wasting my time and money. I realized that if I didn't quit, I would have to go do this thing I hated for the rest of my life, and I was so afraid of committing to something like that, I left immediately and just cried all day until my face was wracked with horrible pain. I didn't go the next day, or the next, or even the day after that. I was quitting. I had already quit before I had started, but I thought I could justify quitting if it appeared that I gave it a try. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want to be transformed, I wanted to stay ugly and be alone until I died. I did that a lot, told myself lies about me to validate my passivity.

I had already changed a little bit mentally tho. I had started to find profound inspiration in seemingly banal platitudes and lyrics about self reliance and the nature of life's struggles. I was listening to a Grimes song, and she sang this line like, "every morning there are mountains to climb, taking all my time, but when I get up this is what I see, welcome to reality" and even though I'd heard this song hundreds of times before, it just fell on me that I couldn't give up.

There's always going to be struggles, and how fiercely I struggle is what defines my self worth, if I fight hard enough against that fear and doubt by doing things that exalt and give reverence to myself, when I wake up, I see something that is beautiful beyond imagining. I see someone that I love and who loves me every single time I look in the mirror.

When I started to take responsibility for validating myself, the pain of living was dulled to imperceptibility, and the judgment of empty people who have no self respect just flows around me. I still feel it, I can acknowledge and understand what it is, I might feel sad or upset, but it doesn't cling to me and I don't feel that obligation to hold onto it either.

I'm just kinda journaling here, idk, I see so many people on this board who act just like I used to, and maybe if this story moves one person to try and change their mind about themselves and try to build up a life worth living, that's gotta be a good thing.

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I really appreciate your honesty. I think most people are programmed to view pain as something to avoid or to distract themselves from, but its only when youre willing to let yourself feel and to examine those feelings, that youre able to grow as a person.

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Thought I'd have a normal life with a college degree, a career, a wife and family. Nope lol.
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I've been deeply depressed for a long time, and am sure how to get out of it and move on with my life
so yeah
i gave up awhile ago in all honestly
i just exist i guess
i was into my 20s by the time i truly understand how tough it is to be neurodivergent

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I landed pretty close. My dream was to become a comic artist, and I'm an artist/animator for an indy game developer.

denizengear posted...

I landed pretty close. My dream was to become a comic artist, and I'm an artist/animator for an indy game developer.

Nice! Can I see any of your stuff?

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Well I am not dead yet so way off.

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

I really appreciate your honesty. I think most people are programmed to view pain as something to avoid or to distract themselves from, but its only when youre willing to let yourself feel and to examine those feelings, that youre able to grow as a person.

I agree wholeheartedly with you. I'm not sure if you're familiar with any of Soren Kierkegard's writing, but he laid out in his Concept of Dread the idea that without some form of indeterminate catalyst, humans would stagnate in their passivity. He said that that catalyst was what would later be termed "anxiety", and that in order to attain self actualization, one was required to approach situations that made them fearful in order to both gain power over themselves and to enact drastic, meaningful life changes. Rollo May expanded on this in his interpretation by describing that prison of fear as a type of living death, ultimately the outcome of life is the same for all persons, they will inevitably reach their final moment and pass from this world, but those bound by anxiety will do so twice, suffering the pain of death throughout their entire life until they unshackle themselves from it. There's also this bit in Ishmael that posits one reason a lot of people allow themselves to become entombed this way, is that they're not even aware of what's binding them. It's hard to tell you're in prison if you look around and don't see any bars.

That was an idea I rejected over and over because it meant I had more responsibility for my emotions than I was ready to admit, but once I really started paying attention to the cycle of actions and feelings that led to the living death I found myself in, it seemed pretty obvious that they had found some truth in life.

I appreciate you. You're a kind, supportive person, it's easy to open up to someone who tries to genuinely understand before making an assessment. There were a lot of people here who inspired me too, you were one of them.

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Im not, but Id agree with that perspective. I remember when I had first decided to transition about two and a half years ago, I was absolutely terrified about it; Id been with my girlfriend at the time for five years, and I still didnt feel capable of telling her the way I felt, and so instead, I suggested we break up so I could avoid it.

It wasnt until I could see how much it hurt her and how terrible I felt about what Id done that I finally decided to tell her. She accepted it, and though we ultimately did break up about a year later, were still very good friends and shes always been a big support for me.

It worked out in the end, despite the pain of feeling trapped in between for first year or having to cut my family out of my life. Im a much happier person today, and though sometimes I still feel nervous around certain types of people, overall my anxiety is a lot more manageable.

And aw, thanks. I try my best to maintain a positive outlook. I really dont think I was always this way, but its easier to take a step back and listen when I dont have to feel this constant discomfort about my body.

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Never had any dreams or aspirations. Just lived life day to day. Still do mostly

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

It worked out in the end, despite the pain of feeling trapped in between for first year or having to cut my family out of my life. Im a much happier person today, and though sometimes I still feel nervous around certain types of people, overall my anxiety is a lot more manageable.

You have a really powerful story, I'm grateful you decided to share. I'm really proud of you, and I'm so happy that you are living as you now and that you have supports to turn to when things get tough. You and your boyfriend are so beautiful and cute. :)

It took me like 15 years to figure out how toxic my family was and how deeply their abuse had brutalized my self esteem. Even now, my grandma recently texted me a family photo captioned "You were missed" when I wasn't even invited in the first place let alone a sociopath that would fly to Arizona in the midst of this pandemic. I wanted to call her out on it but I would rather not be involved at all with her gaslighting and guilt tripping, and for the first time as an adult I realized that's a choice I can make for myself.

Maybe someday, your family will come around and decide to see that you are living in a way that expresses your true self, and that you're now a more complete person for it. Either way the fact that you've come as far as you have is a testament to how strong you are. Here's a song for you.

The Uncluded - Teleprompters

https://youtu.be/meYMsri6VIU

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I wanted to be an astronaut. I'm am not that. So it's been different.
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Well as a kid I always had dreams about wearing a lab coat and doing some random ass research (since little kids don't know shit) that requires a lab coat. Ignoring the brief period in high school where I thought I was gonna be an architect, that part kinda came true since I have a doctorate and I'm a robotics researcher but unfortunately no lab coats are involved. At least not until I help create EVAs

I also thought I would be married by now by copying my parents who grew up together and had me at 24, since I also had that kind of relationship with a girl in my neighborhood for 6 years. Right before middle school started we finally cut the kiddie crap and admitted we liked each other and started dating. Then my family moved at the end of my first semester of 6th grade and that relationship died, and I have yet to have another relationship that rivals what I had back when I was scamming other dumb kids for their Pokemon cards during class breaks. I've dated plenty since then, but I didn't put myself entirely out there during those times because it was always a lingering thought of "what happens when I graduate from high school/college/grad school and move" which is kind of true since for each of those milestones, I've hopped to different states.

So I'm like 1/2 for vague dreams from childhood

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DespondentDeity posted...

You have a really powerful story, I'm grateful you decided to share. I'm really proud of you, and I'm so happy that you are living as you now and that you have supports to turn to when things get tough. You and your boyfriend are so beautiful and cute. :)

It took me like 15 years to figure out how toxic my family was and how deeply their abuse had brutalized my self esteem. Even now, my grandma recently texted me a family photo captioned "You were missed" when I wasn't even invited in the first place let alone a sociopath that would fly to Arizona in the midst of this pandemic. I wanted to call her out on it but I would rather not be involved at all with her gaslighting and guilt tripping, and for the first time as an adult I realized that's a choice I can make for myself.

Maybe someday, your family will come around and decide to see that you are living in a way that expresses your true self, and that you're now a more complete person for it. Either way the fact that you've come as far as you have is a testament to how strong you are. Here's a song for you.

The Uncluded - Teleprompters

https://youtu.be/meYMsri6VIU

You saw that picture? Thanks. :)

I feel that though. The last time I saw my parents was earlier this year at a funeral for my little cousin. It was incredibly awkward, and my dad deadnamed me right off the bat. Thankfully, I was able to sit away from them with some of my extended family who don't share their bigoted views. It was still really weird, because I really hadn't seen most of them in like a decade, but I was glad I went.

Thanks for all that. I'm not too optimistic at this point, though I was never all that close with them to begin with.

MacadamianNut3 posted...

Well as a kid I always had dreams about wearing a lab coat and doing some random ass research (since little kids don't know shit) that requires a lab coat. Ignoring the brief period in high school where I thought I was gonna be an architect, that part kinda came true since I have a doctorate and I'm a robotics researcher but unfortunately no lab coats are involved. At least not until I help create EVAs

I also thought I would be married by now by copying my parents who grew up together and had me at 24, since I also had that kind of relationship with a girl in my neighborhood for 6 years. Right before middle school started we finally cut the kiddie crap and admitted we liked each other and started dating. Then my family moved at the end of my first semester of 6th grade and that relationship died, and I have yet to have another relationship that rivals what I had back when I was scamming other dumb kids for their Pokemon cards during class breaks. I've dated plenty since then, but I didn't put myself entirely out there during those times because it was always a lingering thought of "what happens when I graduate from high school/college/grad school and move" which is kind of true since for each of those milestones, I've hopped to different states. That on top of attending two middle schools and two high schools.

So I'm like 1/2 for vague dreams from childhood

How old are you now? I moved around a lot as a kid too (and as an adult too I suppose, but the distances between each move have been much shorter) I think it can be difficult to allow yourself to get attached to a place or the people there when you've grown so accustomed with moving, but you shouldn't let it dictate your life, and deprive yourself of some fulfilling relationships.

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I think I'm better off than where I wanted to be, because I bounced around between ideas but never had a really clearly set goal or anything of where I wanted to be.

I've got a stable career that gives me a lot of opportunities for once I retire and I can pursue education for free and I never even imagined I'd be getting a college degree of any kind.

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Not too far off. I wanted to do stand up comedy and now that's what i'm doing. Doesn't pay me much but my job is sweet so, life is good

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well i initially wanted to be a comic book artist.

ended up being a software engineer.

in retrospect, i think i made the right choice. lol

Pus_N_Pecans posted...

How old are you now? I moved around a lot as a kid too (and as an adult too I suppose, but the distances between each move have been much shorter) I think it can be difficult to allow yourself to get attached to a place or the people there when you've grown so accustomed with moving, but you shouldn't let it dictate your life, and deprive yourself of some fulfilling relationships.

Yeah I didn't realize that was my underlying problem until just under a year ago. I finally lost all excuses I had after buying a home in Maryland since I converted from a contractor to a full time employee after 3 years and knew I would be in the area for years to come, and shortly after that I went on a date with a really nice girl and I thought we clicked really well. Until she said that she didn't expect to be in the area for more than 2 years as a Navy medic with rotations and that was the killer. But just as I was ready to put myself out there, the pandemic starts lol. So I guess I'll just see what happens in 2021

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Pus_N_Pecans posted...

I'm sorry. I had depression for a number of years myself, but my homelife wasn't really all that bad. Living on your own now, I'd hope? Or at least, away from that situation?

Yeah. I turned 30 and finally got my shit worked out lmao. >_>


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Very far off lol.

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MacadamianNut3 posted...

Yeah I didn't realize that was my underlying problem until just under a year ago. I finally lost all excuses I had after buying a home in Maryland since I converted from a contractor to a full time employee after 3 years and knew I would be in the area for years to come, and shortly after that I went on a date with a really nice girl and I thought we clicked really well. Until she said that she didn't expect to be in the area for more than 2 years as a Navy medic with rotations and that was the killer. But just as I was ready to put myself out there, the pandemic starts lol. So I guess I'll just see what happens in 2021

I feel that. The pandemic has put a lot of my plans on hold for a while. You just gotta find a way to fill in the gaps for the time being I think. Ive been doing a lot of art to get through.

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I never had any serious thoughts about my future.

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@DezDroppedFreak

@teepan95

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Never really had any ambitions whatsoever.

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As a kid I wanted to be police so i can have a gun like the action hero movies

As a teen I honestly never wanted to live beyond 25 but here I am now in my 30s lol

I thought I was going to be a doctor.

Then I realised I didnt like sock people.

I thought I was going to be an ecologist.

Then I realised I didnt like wandering around in damp foliage.

I eventually discovered that I dont mind working in an office and ended up doing something I really enjoy for far more than I expected.

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I'm 1000 km and ~2 years behind where I thought I'd be, but I'm definitely on track to get there without any further delays
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Amazingly far off.

As a kid my dream was to make video games for a living and by make video games I mean give broad ideas of what the games would be and bark orders at underlings. My struggles with math post arithmetic slowly soured that dream before taking computer programming
classes in high school killed it for good.

After that I thought about becoming a history teacher and then a librarian but both goals had pitfalls. The history teacher concept was rejected by a combination of an over saturated pool of applicants and a realization that teaching was harder than I thought. As for the librarian idea doing it at a school or university was more trouble than it was worth and being a public one meant having to find a small city at the very least and that meant moving away which I didn't want to do despite thinking it was a good idea as a kid.

I also thought some of the issues I had as a child would evaporate when I grew up hut that didn't happen. Despite that I'm not despondent or unhappy just not where I thought I would be.

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The_Creep_2020 posted... I thought I was going to be a doctor.

Then I realised I didnt like sock people.

I thought I was going to be an ecologist.

Then I realised I didnt like wandering around in damp foliage.

I eventually discovered that I dont mind working in an office and ended up doing something I really enjoy for far more than I expected.

I dunno, sock puppets are pretty fun.

ForsakenHermit posted...

Amazingly far off.

As a kid my dream was to make video games for a living and by make video games I mean give broad ideas of what the games would be and bark orders at underlings. My struggles with math post arithmetic slowly soured that dream before taking computer programming
classes in high school killed it for good.

After that I thought about becoming a history teacher and then a librarian but both goals had pitfalls. The history teacher concept was rejected by a combination of an over saturated pool of applicants and a realization that teaching was harder than I thought. As for the librarian idea doing it at a school or university was more trouble than it was worth and being a public one meant having to find a small city at the very least and that meant moving away which I didn't want to do despite thinking it was a good idea as a kid.

I also thought some of the issues I had as a child would evaporate when I grew up hut that didn't happen. Despite that I'm not despondent or unhappy just not where I thought I would be.

Yeah, I don't really believe that there's A job that's going to work for a person above all others, in the same way I don't believe in the idea of only having ONE soulmate; concerning one's self with such a notion is only going to set you up with a crippling case of indecision.

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I had no idea lol. My parents didn't go to college and as someone who was always on that track a tweet I saw earlier got me thinking: I genuinely had no idea what options were available for me

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I'm exactly where I thought I'd be when I was a child, but pretty far off from where me from 5 years ago expected to be lol.

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