Current Events > Experimental CYOA: You might be trapped in a simulation

(+) Yeah! (+)

>Nobert: Bribe Galvin

You sigh and lay on your stomach, still unable to feel your legs from...being violated. "Kid, you're being an even bigger pain in the ass than I thought. I gotta upgrade you to giga-pain in the ass now. Look, how's this sound. I throw you a couple of Icas and you go buy some hentai or whatever you wanna call your lifeless boob drawings--"

Both Dani and Galvin scream at you. "They are NOT mere drawings!"
They then somehow fistbump.

You facepalm and pixelize 36 Ica Coins just to get a flat amount left. "Look, it's a limited time offer. Take it or leave it."

Galvin tightens the grip on his dagger and gets ready to stab you, until a herculean man appears behind him and sends him flying down the stairs.

"Galvin! No hurting...Krugg friends!" booms the big guy.

Evi suddenly springs up to her feet and hugs him. "Krugg is back! Hey Krugg, Krugg friends need the airship after all!"

He scratches his head and looks at you. "He...also Krugg friend?"

You put away the Icas and give him a thumbs up. "Uh...yeah! Absolutely bro, I'm a, uh, a Krugg friend. Whatever that means."

He points at Dani. "Robot...also Krugg friend?"

She turns to you. "I think I'm missing something here. Another player is showing on my minimap. What's happening?"

"A love triangle, probably," you tell her.

She puts her hands to her bucket. "Oh my, I'm sorry, both of you, but I simply cannot--"

Evi runs up to her and flicks her bucket. "Ya doof! It's Krugg!"

She then bows her head. "Oh, Mr. Krugg, my apologies. I'm quite surprised you recovered from your drunken stupor so quickly."

He puts a finger to his chin. "Hmm...oh! Ye, boring sober lady! Krugg like you all! Krugg help with birdboat!"

With that, he whisks all three of you over his shoulders and stomps up the stairs, then to another set of stairs next to it, all until you reach the rooftop.

He throws the three of you down. You get up and see an elegant, gigantic wooden ship with large sprawling Angel Wings on the side. More notably, you also see a big flag on it with a Lion emblem on it.

Krugg spreads his arms out. "Big birdboat! Krugg still can't drive. But Krugg can man gun!

Dani stumbles back on her feet. "Gun?"

"Gun!" he says while holding out finger guns. "Birdboat...have lots of gun!"

You put on your scheming grin. "Hey Krugg, out of curiosity, where do you guys usually fly this thing to?"

He puts a finger to his chin. "Hmm...Krugg party fly to...other Birdtown! Birdtown 2...south. There...Krugg friends from other guild. But Krugg party don't like other guild. "

Evi also stumbles up. "Aw, if you're friends with 'em, they can't be unlikeable!"

You'd stumble up as well but your legs are still numb. "I dunno Evi, I'm the most unlikable person I know. Well, next to Brad, probably."

Dani chimes in. "Can this handle the trip to the Sky Castle?"

Krugg shakes his head. "Big bird castle...scary! Need bigger birdboat. Krugg party try steal other guild birdboat. Two birdboat make big big birdboat. But Krugg don't like idea."

She tilts her head. "You guys can't just use any other airship? I saw a lot flying around the city."

"Birdboat...special," he says as he points to the sky. There you see airships casually gliding around, almost like a bunch of pigeons. But more importantly, you see that they don't have any Angel Wings on them.
---

"Birdboat hard to make. Krugg party work hard," he says proudly.

Evi slaps his back. "I betcha did! C'mon, what are we waiting for, let's get outta here!" she says while dashing towards the airship.

Krugg follows behind her with his arms up.

Dani shrugs and starts walking there as well.

You clear your throat. "Yo. Junk-maid. Your master's fallen and can't get up."

She ignores you.

You groan. "Daniiiiiiiii--"

She walks back to you and yanks you by the shirt collar. "I really do wonder how you became employed."

With that, she drags you up a wooden ramp leading up to the deck of the airship.

Krugg stands tall. "Krugg call gun! Birdboat still need...pilot. And navigator. And other gun." With that, he runs off to a machine-gun mounted on a rail.

Who does on this ship? And what do you do with it? Or where do you go with it?
---

Dani: Navigator
---

up
---

lf > more inputs pls
---

I've been trying to rein myself in lately, but at this point I just wanna get this moving again. >_>

Nob: Gun
Evi: Pilot
Destination: "Birdtown 2"
---

>Dani: Be the navigator.

You are now the navigator.

[ FANFARE ]

Hm. That felt slightly validating. You figure you should try that again.

>Dani: Be the navigator.

You are still the navigator.

[ FANFARE ]

"Are you just gonna stand there like a jackass?" shouts Nobert from behind.

You throw him down and cross your arms. "Will you be laying there like a...uh...you know what, we shall pretend I most verbally destroyed you here. Take that." With that, you storm off towards the mast and attempt to climb it, but instead you spend more of your time running into the base mast.

"A little more to the right, peach," says Nobert.

"I'm perfectly aware of my surroundings, thank you very much!" you say while proceeding to the right a bit more, where you feel a rope dangling. You hope this'll lead somewhere and climb it all the way up. Upon reaching the top, your minimap shows a circle enclosure, which means you're at that little basket thing that you see on pirate ships all the time. Not that you see pirate ships all the time, but that won't stop your inner pirate. With that, your minimap suddenly zooms out, giving you a lot more information on your distant surroundings such as other airships and structures.

"Legolas, what do your bucket eyes see?" says the muffled distant voice of Nobert below.

"With a bit of wishful thinking, something that's not you," you say under your bucket.

>Evi: Be the pilot. (And leave Nobert with the gun)

You are now the pilot.

[ FANFARE ]

"Heck yeah, guess who's flyin' this bad boy!" you say while running towards the wheel.

"Wait," says Nobert, "is that, uh, a good idea? Won't we get a goddamn DUI from this?"

You run up to him and drag him towards the other gun. "No need t'be a stickler, Noburg! Ya seen my bike drivin'!"

"Okay first of all, I have, and it does anything BUT give me confidence in your driving," you say as you then point to your head. "And second, you are seriously putting the guy with fucked up legs and a horse mask on gun duty."

"Dang right I am!" you say while enthusiastically gluing his hands on the gun and leaving him to hang off of it like jello.

"When I get my legs back, one's going so far up your ass that--" he continues with an ever growing distant voice as you walk away, towards the wheel.

>Evi: Fly to Birdtown 2

You firmly grip the wheel. "Haha, alright! Let's get the birdboat rollin'!"

Silence.

You poke the wheel a few times. "Soooo. How d'ya work this thin'."

Krugg shouts out to you. "Spread...Wings!"

You tilt your head at what he means by that, but ultimately shrug and pixelize your Wings out.

Immediately, the Wings on the side of the boat start to glow, and the whole ship starts taking off.

Wind blows through you vigorously, making you hold on to your hood. You hold out a flap, revealing your little companion. "Peon, y'good there?"

"Winds cannot move mountains! And I am far above the likes of mount--" He gets blown off onto the back of your neck.

"Haha, I'm sure y'are!" you say as you spin the wheel because that seems like something a pilot would do.

The ship starts making air-donuts.

"Um," Dani chimes in, "where are we going?"

You stop the wheel, which at least stops the ship from speeding up its mindless spinning. "I dunno Danini! You're the one with th'map 'ere! Ya tell me!"
---

She holds up a finger. "Um, I believe we should start with stopping the ship from doing...whatever it is that it is doing."

You stare blankly at the wheel. "Hm. Oh. Haha, right!" You spin it the other way, slowing down the ship spinning until...it starts rotating the other way. "Man, back in th'real world, food delivery would be way more fun if I was drivin' this instead!"

"Elsie, you are driving me insane here. And soon you might have to drive me to the hospital 'cuz I'm about to throw up. Can we PLEASE start moving foward," Nobert whines.

"Krugg friend...deliver food?" He shoots you a thumbs up. "Krugg always tip!"

You reciprocate the thumbs up. "GOD. Krugg, I am so showin' ya my knife collection if we meet in real life. Nobrain, why cantcha be a great guy like--"

"Emily. Please. Fix the wheel," Nobert says.

"Oi, I'm the captain o'this ship, aight? Ya lowly mateys oughta swab the poop deck if ya don't start showin' respect--"

"EVI FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU WILL FIX THE FUCKING WHEEL RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I AM RIPPING OFF THIS GUN AND COMING OVER THERE TO SWAB YOUR POOP DECK," he yells.

"Alright alright, sheesh, ya coulda asked nicely," you say as you turn the wheel the other way once again, but actually stopping the ship from spinning. "You're welcome."

"OH MY FUCKING--" he nearly snaps, but stops and takes a deep sigh. "Thank you. Can we go now?"

Dani points to some direction. "According to my minimap, this way is south! ...I hope."

You shrug and get the ship turning and plowing to where she pointed.

"Oh, my apologies, please turn a little more to the left."

Okay. You spin the wheel to get it moving over there this time.

"Oh, um, I meant the other left--"

"Danini!" you snap, "are ya navigatin' or are ya playin' twister?!" With that, you get the wheel spinning the other left anyway.

She claps her hands together. "This looks to be south! ...I hope."

And so, your entire crew finally starts departing from Icantheon, with the view of it slowly shrinking away into the distance, leaving you to dive right into the cloudy skies beyond.

However, your voyage is cut short when a giant ship a little larger than yours suddenly bursts out of the clouds. Immediately, your eyes are drawn to the huge black flag on it.

A gruff, megaphone-like voice booms out from it. "Attention, worms! Yer in our turf! Either pay the toll or git! ...Unless yer one of us and know the password, then, uh, this is embarassing."

Oh boy, what do you guys do/say?
---

Engage them in righteous ship to ship combat!
---

Dani: take the goddamn bucket off
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been busy but still bumpin
---

bump
---

>Nobert: ASSUME THE POSITION

You put your fingers on the trigger. "I got your fucking password right here!" you yell as you unload a few shots into...the distance. Where the enemy ship is not. You can't actually rotate the gun to where they are since your range can only encompass the side of the ship.

You turn to Evi. "Leslie! Turn the damn ship!"

She pouts. "Are ya tryin't'order the captain?!" With that, she tilts the wheel. "Don't get me wrong, I'm just exercisin' my judgment as the captain, aight?!"

The ship rotates ever so slowly.

You revel in silence, then turn back to Evi with your shit-eating fake smile. "Ohoho, dearest captain, whatever are you doing?"

She reciprocates your shit smile. "Hahaha, whatever mightcha mean? I simply turned the ship so you can get a better shot!"

"Ohoho, of course you did!" You start banging on the gun. "So why the fuck. Did you turn it the wrong goddamn way?!"

Meanwhile, you hear Krugg yelling, followed by a barrage of gunshots. You turn around and see the once slightly menacing black flag turn into swiss cheese. Except if that cheese was rotten. And was colored in by a black marker. And if that cheese wasn't actually cheese. But a flag. And that the owners of this cheese flag were very mad that its not actually cheese. And--
---

>Dani: Take the goddamn bucket off

You hear the muffled sound of gunshots, yelling, and in the distance, other angry men. Alongside your minimap still rotating slowly. "Oh dear, what is happening. Can someone tell me what is happening?"
No response. You can barely make out what sounds like Nobert and Evi bickering. And you deduce that the yelling came from Krugg, so he's busy too. Guess its finally time to take matters into your own hands.

You try with all your might to pull out the bucket with your hands. This is very much not happening.
In your struggle, you accidentally slip off the mast and plummet back down to the deck. Luckily, the bucket broke your fall, which really shouldn't make sense since it's made of metal, but you've long accepted that this is a poorly made game.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of hard wood slamming down on the ship, followed by heavy footsteps. The minimap then shows a bunch of red circles swarming your surroundings, which proabably means the ship's being invaded.

A red circle approaches right next to you. The most rational decision here would be to ready your wand and defend yourself, but you're too preoccupied with your bucket situation. You instead turn to your possible assailant. "Erm...excuse me kind sir, I--"

"Oi, yer facin' the wrong way lass," says the person.

You pull the bucket down and turn around. "My apologies, but would you be so kind as to help get this bucket off of my head?"

The person giggles like a drunkard. "Well I'll be, yer quite the polite maid! I can't possibly take a swing at ya!" With that, you feel a strong tug on the bucket, but it's still not budging.

He exhales. "Whew, it's stuck on there real tight, lass. Oi! Jerry!"

Another red circle approaches you, followed by a very deep voice. "Oi Larry, what's the big idea, callin' me over while we're in the middle o' battle?!"

A bump on your bucket. "This 'ere maid lass wants some help getting this ol' bucket offa 'er!"

"Oh, well why didntcha say so? I'd be glad ta help!"

In the next moment, you feel an even more forceful tug on your bucket, but still no budging.

A thump sounds out, possibly from one of the men falling on their butt. "This darn bucket be glued on to the lass! Oi, Barry!"

Yet another red circle approaches you. "Did ye need somethin' Jerry?"

"Ya gotta help a brother out, Barry! Not even the great might o' me an' Larry can get it ta move!"

"Well that souns like a real simple task!"

You are once again subjected to even more powerful tugging on your head. You're honestly surprised you haven't been decapitated yet.

The three men are huffing and puffing. They call yet another person over. And the pattern repeats until you practically have the entire enemy army on you. And yet, they could not get the bucket off of you.

The sounds of fighting stops as the men keep trying their hardest to help you with your bucket.

Eventually, you see a big red circle approaching you, which you can only assume is a bigger threat than the rest of these people.

"Oi, captain Bljarry is here!" says one of the men.

"Yarr, what be the problem here lads?! Why have ye stopped fightin'?!" says the captain.

"Captain, we can't pull the bucket offa this young lass's head!"

Oh shit, you managed to somehow lure out the captain and he's right in front of you with his guard down. All without even trying. No doubt due to your great wizardry.

What do you do?
---

Convince the captain to take the bucket off your head, then challenge him to a duel.
---

Evi: while everyone's distracted attempt to hijack the bigger ship
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Bumpin
---

>Dani: Convince the captain to take the bucket off your head, then challenge him to a duel

You meekly peep out your words. "Mr. Captain, um--"

He clangs your bucket with something metallic. "Yar, that's Mr. Captain Bljarry to ya, lass! What be the big idear, stealin' me men away?!" He then stomps on the floor. "Are ye lads serious right now?! Ye can't even yank off a flimsy bucket?!" He clangs your bucket again. "How about I yank off yer head instead, lass?!"

You clear your throat. "Well, um, that sounds to me as though you are taking the easy way here, Mr. Captain Bljarry sir. Are you really about to invalidate the hard work of your crew by cheating?"

One of the men chime in. "Oi, don't look down on our Cap'n! He don't need no stinkin' beheadin'!"

"Yeah, our Cap'n can wipe us all in arm wrestlin'! He can do this no problem!" says another one of the crew.

The captain grumbles a bit. "Yar...fuck it, fine! I'll knock this bucket offa ya lass, but res' assured, I'll behead ye AFTER I do so!"

You cross your arms. "Now that is not very gentlemanly of you. Are you looking down on me because I'm female? I demand a fair opportunity to duel with you once you take this bucket off."

"Oi, don't look down on our Cap'n! He's the most gentlemanly man I know!" shouts one of the men.

"Yeah, Cap'n's the master of respectin' women!" says another.

He grunts. "Yar...fuck it, fine! I'll knock this bucket offa ya lass, then I'll knock the livin' daylights outta ya fair an' square!"

With that, he death grips your bucket and starts swinging you around like a tornado. Jesus Christ, this is, like, the opposite of respecting women.

"YARGH...why...won't...ye...budge?!" he screams.
---

>Evi: Hijack the enemy ship while everyone's distracted

Oh boy, you get to finally fulfill your rogue-class archetype and steal something. You walk over to the plank they set up that's bridging your ship to theirs, and hop over it, nullifying the need to even use it because you're just that extra.

Nobert's staring at you with a bit of confusion.

You put your finger to your lips, indicating for him to shush.

He flips you off and looks back at the mess Dani's in.

You pout and run up to where the steering wheel is...or at least, where it would be.
You shake your hood a bit, summoning your little flying companion. "Hey Peon! I need your freaky motorcycle-startin' powers to find where the wheel o'this ship is!"

He flutters aggressively. "What do you take me for, mortal?! I refuse to use my powers for such trifle things--"

You blow him away. "So you can't help me. Gotcha." With that, you run back down to the deck, and through the doors leading to the cabins. All the doors are open right now, since all of the crew members are out and about, so that saves you some trouble. However, in the distance, you hear a strange, ghastly noise echoing through the walls on your left.

Oh boy. You might not be alone here. How shall you proceed?

>Nobert:

So. Evi's gone doing whatever the fuck. Dani's fucked. You're the main character. And you're not getting any action. This is a big goddamn problem and you refuse to roll with it.

What shall you do?
---

Nob: Catch Dani by the legs and (try to) pull.
---

Krugg: help Evi
Evi: carefully search ship or recruit Krugg
Dani: vomit
---

>Nobert: Catch Dani by the legs and (try to) pull

Alright, its time to save your party member like a good protagonist! Because that is totally what you're about! Obviously that's horse shit but no one needs to know that.

You roll up your sleeves and approach this huge winged bear-like blackbeard-wannabe. "Hey asshole! Why dontcha pick on someone your own size--"

The captain growls at you. "Yarr, why doont'cha shut yer trap, lad! I'm tryna be a...hrrgh...GENTLEMAN...to yer friend 'ere! Now git 'fore I stick me peg leg up yer arse!"

You gulp. "If you're trying to be threatening, I'll have you know it's only working slightly. Just a little. Just a smidge--"

He growls again and stops spinning Dani. "YARGH, change o' plans lass, I'm knockin' the livin' daylights outta yer friend 'ere!" With that, he firmly holds Dani by her bucket and swings her at you like a meat club.

Hm. Was there something like this in the company handbook? What to do when a person is being used as an assault weapon against you. Oh wait, you never read that thing--

Suddenly, a prompt appears: [ Catch ]

No hesitation there. Your arms jolt forward, grabbing her ankles. "Oh. Huh. I did it."

"Yarr, let go, lad! Do ya not give a hoot what happens to yer friend?!"

You smirk. "Newsflash dickhat, I don't." With that, you pull with all your might, essentially declaring a tug of war with the captain.

>Dani: Throw up

Oh boy, this is really not the best feeling. It's like you've been jabbed in the stomach by the headlights of a fully filled clown car, which by laws of conservation of mass would still have the collective mass of 40 adults packed densely into--

Your brain can't distract yourself from demonstrating projectile motion out of your mouth. Surprisingly, what comes out is actually a vibrant rainbow. Something pops up in your HUD: [ Game saved! ]

>Evi: Recruit Krugg

You summon Peon from your hood. "Hi again! So, hear me out here--"

He slaps your nose with his wings, which really just feels ticklish. "No, you hear ME out here mortal! I am NOT your servant, are we clear?!"

You giggle. "Aw, lighten up lil' fella! I always thought we were friends!"

He looks at you with a deadpan expression that is sadly not discernable to you. "Friends. Despite the alias you have assigned to me. And do you really think I would stoop so low as to accept that we are even close to being equals?!"

You pout. "Well if you don't wanna be friends, that's your problem. Look, I don't even know why ya still stick around me if ya don't even like me--"

He flies to your finger. "I have stated my intent before, mortal! I have deemed you worthy of being my escort until my powers are restored."

You blink. "Oh. Yeah. I guess ya did say somethin' like that before. No, wait, look, my point is, will ya just help me out 'ere?! Your 'escort' might just be in danger 'ere!"

"Bah! Fine. I will grant you one request. But only because I am such a benevolent god."

You smile. "Awesome! Alright, I just need ya t'get Krugg."

He flies around in silence. "...That is it?"

"Mhmm."

"No...powers? No sacrifices?!"

"Yup."

He flutters aggressively. "You mean to say you wasted so much breath bickering with me over such a trifle, trivial, insignificant request?!"

You shrug. "Hey, you're the one bein' the drama queen here. Look, can ya go get Krugg already? This thing could prolly smell me and is ready t'eat me."

He slaps your nose again and flies away.
---

>Krugg: Help Evi

You're busy still screaming and firing at the enemy ship, despite the fact that the army's all on your ship. Not that you're aware of that.

Suddenly, a small black butterfly lands on your nose, which brings you to a halt.

You hold out your finger and have him land on it. "Oh...new Krugg friend!"

>Evi:

The ghastly noise stops just shortly after you sent Peon out. Huh. Weird.

>Krugg:

You raise your hand to have him fly away. "Okay, have fun Krugg Friend, Krugg...continue kill!" With that, you start screaming and firing away again.

The butterfly swiftly flies back and hovers around your face, making you stop again. It then flies a bit of distance from you, towards the enemy ship.

You raise an eyebrow. "Hm? Krugg friend...want Krugg follow?"

>Evi:

The ghastly noise just sounded out for a brief moment, then stops abruptly again. Oh jeez, you really can't tell what this strange creature is like.

You also feel a bit cramped in these halls with your wings out, so you pixelize them away.

In a few moments, you feel the ground shaking along with very heavy footsteps. Oh heck, is the creature finally here to eat you?!

A huge figure pops out from the door you came in. Oh no, the ghastly horror was actually following you the entire time! You ready to materialize your knives--

"Drunk Krugg friend lady, safe?!" shouts a familiar voice. Oh. The horror was just Krugg. Who is in fact, not a horror.

You let out a breath of relief. "Yeah, Krugg friend is safe, big guy."

Peon flies back to you. "You better be grateful, mortal. I am not one for trivial tasks." With that, he flies back into your hood.

>Nobert:

You see some weird rainbow fluid leaking out of Dani's bucket. "Okay, fuck that, nope. That's just gross dude. Peace," you say as you drop Dani.

The captain gloats. "Haha! That's right lad, ye better back off! I'M the one and only gentleman in this here ship--

Suddenly, the floor starts shaking, and the sky starts going up. No wait, the sky doesn't do that. That means...

"Yarr! That snivelin' weasel pullin' a fast one on us!" He drops Dani and stomps his peg leg around. "Lurin' us here so ye can crash us all to the ground! Well yer not gonna take me ship either!" he yells as he pixelizes his wings away.

You blink a few times. "Oh. Oh that's what happening. Shit."

Dani groans. "Whuh...what is happening?"

You tap on her bucket. "We're fucked, oh great wizard. Might wanna clench your ass for impact."

>Evi:

The ship starts shaking. You look at Krugg with worry. "Uh, that ain't good. Krugg, is that good?"

He crouches down and covers his head. "No. Not good. Bad."

Suddenly, you feel vertigo punch your stomach up. You quickly try to crouch and copy Krugg. "Okay, yeah, def'nitely bad."

And so, you can only wait out your swift descent.

...
---

>???: Re-enter the plot

You're walking down a dimly lit, rugged, cobblestone-lined hallway next to your partner Casey and...some huge ugly mug that's basically a guy but part cow. With a stupid hat.

He taps the walls with his hooved fingers. Yes, the hooves are on his fingers. Terrible game design. "Hmm...I feel like these walls could use a little more...brown. What do you guys think?"

You scoff. "Yeah, plaster the walls with actual shit. 10 outta fuckin' 10 idea you got there."

He punches the wall. "Listen, intern. You're lucky I even took you in. It's a huge deal to be right next to the big bad Minotaur! And why are you wearing your uniform so sloppily?! Fix it!"

You adjust your collar. "What, you mean this shit that looks like you mugged two Walmart employees while they were on their lunch break in the back of a Taco Bell?"

Casey meekly raises her hand. "Umm...I do think brown would look a little jarring for the dungeon walls."

He suddenly changes his demeanor with a big dumbass smile, shaking her hand wildly. "Oh yes, of course Ms. Casey! This is why you're the best intern! You always know the right thing to say! And you're a real catch! Why do you even bother hanging out with this asshole?" he says, tipping his fedora and pointing at you.

She puts a hand behind her head. "Well, he's my superior. I mean, I know we're technically both interns which puts us on the same footing, but he just feels higher ranked to me."

He pats her back with a laugh. "Oho, yes, I understand! I fully respect your views!" He then turns away, muttering, "Kek. Cucked again."

You walk up next to her. "Casey, you know I was joking the entire time, right? With the whole robo-Brady thing? The joke is over. Punchline done--"

Minotaur slaps the walls. "Hey! No talking unless I permit you to!"

"Oh! Sorry, Mr. M-Minotaur," says Casey.

He gives that fucking annoying ass smile at her again. "Oh no no, you talk as much as you want Ms. Casey! Did I mention you look simply bedazzling today?" he says, tipping his fedora again and then facing forward.

She coughs a bit, then looks back at you. "Well, I'm kind of an impressionable person. I've already ingrained you in my head as 'Mr. Brady.'"

You reel back your face in disgust. "Oh hell no, I don't wanna be Brady. Shit, I don't think even Brady wants to be Brady. Look, just call me--"

The Minotaur abruptly claps his hands together and turns around. "That's right interns! You guys need name tags!" With that, he pulls out two labels and a marker. With a revolting, drooling face, his hand approaches Casey's breast.

You yank the label and marker from him and slap it on his horns, sloppily writing "Sirloin Steak" on it.

A blood vessel nearly bursts from him. "The hell did you write on there, intern?!"

You smirk. "Just your name, Mr. Minotaur, sir. After all, even bosses should have name tags too for a friendly working environment."

He growls, then starts slowing down his breathing. "I'd fire you on the spot for that, intern! But I'll let it go since you were hired through special circumstances. Now, here!" he shouts while slapping a label on your chest.

What do you see written on your name tag?
---

Bump
---

Aver A. ...

Unless someone comes up with something better lol
---

Up(dating soon)
---

>Aver A.:

You blink in surprise. "Wait, you're seriously gonna just write my name normally? C'mon dude, this is, like, the easiest opening you could take.'

The Minotaur digs for another label. "Unlike you, I am STRICTLY professional." He then turns to Casey with a smile. "My apologies for my previous behavior, Ms. Casey! Just a bit of casual workplace banter, haha! Here, please write whatever you want on your name tag and put it on," he says while handing over a marker and the label.

She meekly accepts the items and, to no one's surprise, just writes her ever-so-normal name with her ever-so-neat handwriting. "Oh, here you go," she says while offering the marker back.

He tips his fedora. A-goddamn-gain. "Oh, please, keep it. And remember me whenever you hold it in your hand."

She lets out an laugh of mild discomfort while looking away, which to be fair, you would too if you ever heard a line like that from some ass hat like this.

The three of you keep walking down the corridor until you reach a four-way intersection with a pit of metal spikes in the very middle.

He walks over to the wall and knocks on it, where a small opening slides up and reveals a keypad. "Now interns, pay close attention. Whenever we're doing our routine death-trap maintenance, we gotta make em, uh, not death-inducing. So you just enter the code here and..." he taps on 1, 2, 3, then 4, then the pit of spikes close up into a normal, stone floor, "...ta-da! Now you guys can sweep the floor smoothly."

You stand in the middle to see if it's really safe. "Huh. Interesting." You spread your arms out. "So, what the fuck is the point? Literally nobody has made it to this point yet, and you want us to clean anyway?!--"

The floor opens back up again. As you descend to your doom, the Minotaur's dumbass laugh echoes in your ear just before you get impaled.

...

You feel like you just submerged from a really deep swim in a kiddie pool as your eyes open to your tube slowly opening.

The lab-coated geezer from before looks at you with a long sigh. "Aver. It hasn't even been an hour. How did you already die."

You cough a bit from some water in your throat. "How did you guys program the second most annoying piece of shit to order me around."

He massages his temples. "Look, if you were any of these other subjects, we'd have to wipe your memory and send you back home. I find that MUCH easier than having to re-upload you back into the game."

"Then do it, coward. You don't have to follow my dad."

"Actually, I kind of do. Since, y'know, I WORK for the guy." He taps around on his tablet profusely. "Plus, trust me, you do not wanna get sent to the memory-wiping chamber--"

You yawn. "Look man, I don't care if you send me to the ass-wiping chamber or whatever, just stop being boring and do what you gotta do already."

He taps once more, raising your tube back again. "Y'know Aver, I'm pretty well-paid, but I gotta say, brats like you somehow make me feel that I absolutely do not get paid enough for this."

You flip him off before your middle finger gets suspended in liquids.

...

You vision pixelizes back into the blinding gold of the throneroom where you first encountered the Minotaur. You figure you deserve a break, so you take a seat on the very comfy throne. Well, it would be, if there wasn't a goddamn fedora on one arm rest and a cup of coffee on the other. Can cows even drink this shit?--

Suddenly, a scantily-clad lady with horns and batwings peeks in through the entrance. "Lord Minotaur sir, I have reports of--oh, I didn't know you had a human form, sir!"

This. Seems familiar.
How do you proceed?
---

Up
---

Pretend to be Minotaur long enough to get whatever information possible
---

>Pretend to be the Minotaur long enough to get whatever information possible

You slouch back while begrudgingly putting on the fedora. "Yeah, babe, what's up?" you say with your cool guy voice.

She reddens up. "B-babe? Are you trying something new, Lord Minotaur sir? It's usually just Ms. Amber with me."

You take a sip of his coffee, which is blended surprisingly much better than Brady's cupped piss. "Ms. Amber? What, are we in an elementary school or something? Look, Amber, babe, your Lord Minotaur's turned a new leaf today." With that, you take your fedora off and toss it to the ground.

Her face reddens up way more. "Oh. God. Sir. This is the best thing that's ever happened to you. I always hated that fedora--"

You grab said fedora and wave it in your hand angrily. "Oi, Amber, are you disrespecting the hat? Huh?"

She starts sweating. "N-no sir, I was just, um, ah--"

You slap it on the ground again. "Nah, I'm just testing you. I hate it too. Anyways, I bumped my head on a parked wall because I'm such a dumbass sometimes. Y'know how it is. So refresh my memory here dear, you a demon or something? What kinda show do we run here?"

Her face drops a bit. "I'm a bit hurt you'd forget your own secretary, sir." She forces her face back up to her usual perkiness. "But yes, I am a succubus. And, well, you're the big bad Minotaur, guardian of the Labyrinth, sir."

You scratch your chin. "Big bad Minotaur? What, do I fucking eat three pigs for breakfast?" You take another sip. "We're changing that. Too many syllables, and too corny. From here, we refer to me as Chief Beef."

She raises an eyebrow. "Um, Chief Beef, sir?"

You tap on the arm rest. "Oi, that's Lord Beef to you. But only to you, cuz you're special to me, babe."

Steam puffs out of her ears. Too easy.

You swirl the coffee mug around like it's a wine glass. "So, this uh, Labyrinth shindig we got here, what's that about, huh?"

"Oh, well, it's the final dungeon for the Players, sir. We do our best to keep any daring adventurers at bay with our state of the art airships--"

"Shhhh" you shush her, transitioning your shush to a sip of your coffee. "You already lost me, babe. But I getcha." You kick the fedora away since you don't wanna get contaminated by neckbearditis. "Oh by the way, I heard there was someone impersonating me in my cow form. If you see him, light him up."

She salutes you. "Yes sir, impersonation is a very serious crime. I'll inform the rest of our guards of this doppelganger as well."

You grin. "Damn straight, Amber. This is why you're the best among us, babe. Keep up the good work."

Another puff of steam to complement her tomato-red face. "O-oh thank you, sir! But I don't think I deserve such kindness from you--"

You tap on the armrest again. "Oi, we don't play ourselves down, alright? We enforce POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT and HAPPINESS around here!"

She scratches her head. "But sir, didn't you say before that emotions will only get in the way of our work, and that females especially should stop being so emotional--"

You take a loud sip. "You're under Chief Beef's rule now, babe. And as your ruler, I say the key to a successful workplace is a friendly, positive environment, capiche?" you say, but really you're just regurgitating what your father loves to say to exploit his impressionable employees.

Her jaw drops. "Sir. I just want to say, I really love this new you."

You smirk. "Heh, I know right? I love me too. Oh yeah, you said you had uhh a report, yeah?"
---

She straightens her posture. "O-oh, right!" She conjures up some papers in her hand. "We have reports of the Darkhelm guild's airships approaching the entrance again, two of our generals are bickering again, our treasurer is mad at you again and would like to have a one-on-one meeting with you, aaaand we still have yet to hear back from one of the new interns, sir."

You take a tired sip. "Hm. That's a lot of 'agains.' Sounds like we don't run a tight ship here, do we?"

She shakes her head. "With all due respect sir, I don't think a lot of people saw the old you as a leader figure."

You slam your hand on the armrest. "Oi. No one else is allowed to dislike the way I used to rule besides me, capiche? Looks like I gotta set some folks straight around here. Positively, of course."

She gives you a thumbs up. "Sounds like a plan, sir! So, which one of these concerns did you want to address first?"

What do you say?
---

Deal with the bickering generals first. I'm sure the airship thing will sort itself out!
---

bumpin
---

>Deal with the bickering generals first

You figure that the bickering generals have high priority, since your father would tell you many times that internal conflict can lead to serious problems in the long run.

You take one last sip of your coffee and stand up straight. "Alright, let's uh, let's settle the deal with the two stooges."

Amber nods and gestures towards the entrance. "Right this way, sir."

The two of you then walk down a hallway with lemon-yellow walls that have enough sheen to show a blurry reflection of yourself--much fancier than the dungeon walls you've seen. It eventually leads down to a large set of double-doors.

Amber waves her hands at it, causing it to glow purple, and then open up. Through them, you see long, wooden tables lined with benches, as well a buffet of food in the far back.

Your secretary smiles. "The smell of food ring any bells, sir?"

You snap your fingers. "Oi, babe, we're not here for a lunch break, alright? I'll treat you to dinner or something AFTER we're done here."

Another puff of steam from her. "L...looking forward to it, sir! Anyways, the two generals would be--"

Suddenly, one of the tables get flipped over, along with the sound of silverware and plates crashing. A giant boar-man peeks his head from behind the knocked-over table. "I'm tellin' ye, Bob! Ye hold tae damn fork wid' tae curve face up!"

A table from the other side also gets flipped over, with a horse-man peeking out. "And I am telling you, sire Rob, that a fork is meant to be held with its curve facing down!"

A volley of silverware and fruits then get lobbed back and forth between them.
Surprisingly, the rest of the animal-headed soldiers are simply eating without a reaction.

You pinch the bridge of your nose. "So. Does uh, does this happen a lot?"

Amber sighs. "Sadly sir, yes."

"And how do I usually take care of this?"

She scratches her head. "You usually just ignore it sir, saying that it'll sort itself out."

You rub your chin pensively. "Well, clearly it ain't sorting itself out if it keeps happening."

What shall you do to them?
---

Attempt to diffuse the situation with POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT and HAPPINESS.
---

>Diffuse the situation with POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT and HAPPINESS

You turn to your secretary. "Yo Amber, why dontcha use your magic powers or whatever to, uh, bring these two assholes over here."

"You got it, sir!" she says while holding her palm out to Bob and Rob.

In the next moment, they get engulfed by a purple aura, then get suspended helplessly in the air as they float over to you.

You cross your arms at them. "Alright, before you shits say anything, yes it's me your boss, yes I'm trying something new, and no I won't pick a side on your superficial argument here. Capiche?"

The boarman points to his cohort. "B-but boss, Bob won't listen tae a thing ah say!"

The horseman points back. "My lord, you must understand, it was sire Rob that started this hostile discussion--"

You give them both a noogie. "Listen, fellas. I do not. Give a damn. Well, I mean, I do give a damn. At least, about you two. Since you're my best men."

Rob looks at you with astonishment. "We are?"

Bob's expression matches his partner's. "With all due respect my Lord, I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken any bit of praise towards us."

You gesture at Amber to lower them, which she complies with. You then pat them both on the shoulder. "Look guys, you two are definitely my best men. WHEN you guys get along, that is. This way we're acting right now? Not cool. Definitely ain't garnering any respect from me."

Rob starts sweating. "Aw jeez boss, tae last thin' ah wanna do's ta lose yer respect!"

Bob nods in agreement.

You cross your arms. "Before you guys worry about my respect, how's about you guys respect each other first, alright? Capiche?"

"But boss, Bob only ever talks 'bout borin' stuff!"

Bob snarls at him. "Well, this fellow right here is too much of a brute to hold any proper conversation--"

You snap your fingers in their faces. "Oi. Losin' respect real fast here, fellas. Alright look, let's start with this." You pat on Rob's shoulder. "You. Whaddya like to do? Y'know, like hobbies and stuff."

He looks up pensively. "Hummm, ah guess ah like racin'. 'Specially with airships an' all that."

"Great!" you give him a thumbs up, then turn to Bob. "And you. What are your interests?"

Bob twirls his mane like it was a moustache glued to the back of his neck. "Well, I'm a bit of a connoisseur of cuisine and billiards."

Rob smacks him on the back. "Oho! Yer a bit uva pool player are ye?! What say we bet a round'a drinks on a game?"

Bob grins smugly. "Heh, well good sire, if you insist on treating the entire crew, be my guest."

With that, they both walk off through another door in the back of the cafeteria, briefly flashing the sight of a pool table among other recreational games.

You scratch your head. "Well, I guess I could call that a success. If they pull this shit again, just shove a pool stick up their ass, babe."

She nods. "Understood, sir--"

A shadowy figure zooms through the doors you came in, handing Amber a piece of paper, then zooming away before you could see what they were.

She inspects the papers, then turns to you. "Oh, sir, we have sightings of your doppelganger holding one of the new interns hostage. The Darkhelm situation's looking good, but your treasurer is still very much getting angrier by the minute. What should we do, sir?"

What do you say?
---

Say "I dunno, I'm too tired." and get some much needed sleep.

You're exhausted
---

Welcome aboard unfair

>Get some rest

You scratch your head. "Y'know babe, that sounds important and all, but I think I'll take a little nap and let all that sort themselves out."

Amber blinks a few times. "Wh...what? After we just did the opposite of that to this situation? What about your treasurer?--"

You hush her and start heading back out the cafeteria. "Look, Amber, babe, that's that and this is this. Totally different. Plus, to be real with you, I'm tired from having all this amnesia. If the lil' moneybags needs this meeting so urgently, you can tell em' they're free to wake me up and I will be equally free to unleash my entire wrath into their face. Positively, of course."

She frantically gathers her papers and runs after you. "B-but sir!--"

You wave your hand, still facing away as you approach the throne room once more. "You're the best secretary I got. These problems oughta be nothing to you. Don't make me take those words back, capiche?" With that, you head back through the curtains of the throne room.

>>>

>Nobert: Awaken

Your eyes groggily open up to the sight of crashed wood debris and...purple fog. Oh shit, what's going on? You slowly get up; surprisingly, you don't feel like you're in pain, and your HUD still shows full HP. Somehow. Anyways, you look around and see nothing but gravel and really thick purple fog blocking any view ahead.

Suddenly, a metallic dinging sound rings out from the debris. You get ready to materialize your weapons, but see that it's just Dani.

You're about to call out to her, until she starts fidgeting wildly, then erupts into a scream.

You run up to her. "Whoa shit dude, are you okay?--"

She tries to shove you, but still faces the wrong way. "That depends. Is the airship okay?"

"Nope."

"Are we anywhere near a town?"

"Nope."

"Is it just you and me right now?"

"Yope."

"Where the fuck are you."

"Y'over here--"

She faces you and shakes you by your shirt collar. "We! Just lost!"

You push her away and re-adjust your collar. "Jesus Dani, calm your shit! What the hell are you on about?"

She falls to her knees and starts letting out a bucket-muffled sob. "Don't you get it?! We just had a golden opportunity to beat the game despite being so far behind!" She stands up and attempts to shake you again, but she misses, causing her to trip and fall on her bucket. "We lost, Nobert! Dani Satela does not! Fucking! Lose!"

You scratch your head. "Damn Ms. Great Wizard. Didn't think you had a sailor's tongue on you. Whatever happened to being elegant and shit? And why are you so hellbent on winning this thing anyway? I thought the point was to just have fun."

She slowly sits up. "Is that all this is to you? A game?"

"Uh, yes! Duh! It IS a fucking game, Dani!" You flail your arms around. "I thought that's all this was! And don't tell me it's more than that, because you've been refusing to tell us shit for the entire game even though you clearly know so much about it!"

She jumps back to her feet in rage, holding her finger up. "I! ...I."

You smirk. "Yes, I know your eyes aren't working too well right now."

She stomps her foot just like Evi does. "I! Am done with you! I wish I could tell you exactly what it means to win this game, but I can't! Hell, even if I did, you probably won't give a shit! That's all you do!"

You put your hand to your chest. "Hey, I'm like, the main character, alright? I give plenty of shits, okay? It's what main characters do."
---

She crosses her arms. "Listen, you are NOT the protagonist. You have zero redeeming qualities that make you worthy to be a protagonist."

You spit on the ground. "Big words for someone with a bucket head."

Her fists start shaking. "Nobert. I am going to be real with you for a minute here, okay? Okay? Protagonists, they're people that people give a shit about, okay? For someone who's really good at not giving a shit, you are a person that NOBODY could give a shit about, OKAY?! This entire 'adventure,' you have done nothing but spat out sarcastic quips, shown zero respect towards your companions, and you have not done absolute anything that makes you likeable in the slightest!!"

You frown with flaming intensity, but mellow it out into a more focused anger. "Is that the best you got? I've heard worse on the internet. C'mon Dani, clearly you got a lot to say to me--"

She stomps her foot again. "Yes! I do! I!"

"I fucking what, Dani?! Oooh, I hate your guts, Nobert?! Because that shit's an overplayed record!--"

Her fists mellow out as she lightly punches your chest. "I just wanna be your friend, okay? It's fun being with you. You and Evi. Sometimes, the things we do get so out of hand that I really get to forget about winning. And it's during those times that I really feel like I'm part of something. But in reality? It just feels like I'm playing with a bunch of strangers online. Like I always have, with not much fun there. And if there's no fun, all that's left is winning, I suppose."

A small moment of silence ensues. You clear your throat to break it. "Whoa-ho, are we talking about feelings? You know I'm not a big fan of that--"

She punches you again, this time with a little more force. "Nobert. I'm about to be stuck here alone with you for god knows how long. Please, can you just...make that easier? I'd prefer to stick it out with someone I know than some...sarcastic stranger."

You look away from her for a bit, then look back at her while poking her bucket. "It's really hard taking you seriously with this thing on. C'mon great wizard, let's walk around and I guess I'll talk about my bullshit to kill the time."

Her body perks up alongside her nodding bucket.

With that, the two of you wander through the dense fog in silence, still seeing nothing but empty gravel.

You scratch your chin. "Well, uh, shit, I guess now's a good time for an ice breaker."

"I'm listening."

You clap your hands together. "Great! Yeah. Okay, so, uh, yeah."

"You're not very comfortable letting yourself be vulnerable even for a moment, are you."

You air out your collar. "Whaaaat? Me? No way! I'm just...y'know, I don't have much to say."

"Well, you still have something to say, do you not?"

You sigh. "Egh, fine. But don't blame me if I put you to sleep."

She looks left and right, not that its evident with her bucket on. "I don't think that will be a problem. I can tell our surroundings are not an ideal place of slumber. Now cease stalling already."

You take a deep breath. "Okay. Fine. Sure. Well. I."
---

You slap yourself. "You know what, fuck it. I'm Nobert, and no way in hell will you ever find out about my real last name. Been single for 25 years because I can't seem to figure out why women won't date me. When I'm avoiding responsibilities which happens a lot, I like to play videogames all day while saying it's just a nice escape from reality because this world sucks, while also using this said excuse to justify being blissfully ignorant of the fact that I'm really just using videogames as a distraction towards thinking about my future or any other hard trains of thought."
You flap your shirt collar. "Aaand I work a shitty white-collar job at a company where I refuse to show any effort above the bare-minimum because I'm perfectly comfortable with where I am in life. There. Happy?"

She tilts her head. "Well that can't possibly be true. You're in this game because you're unsatisfied with your life. All of us Players are." She quickly covers the area where her mouth would be. "Oh my, I hope that isn't saying too much."

You sigh and look at her with tired eyes. "Look, I get that you have to keep some oh so precious secret or whatever for some dumbass reason, but tell me this much. What do you need to win so badly for? What are YOU unsatisfied with?"

She pulls her bucket down. "Um, you first."

You look up pensively. "Shit, I dunno. Finding love or some other sappy bullshit I guess? Look, that's not important. It's your turn now."

She sighs. "Okay, well--"

Suddenly, a giant black airship crashes down in front of you; its large Dragon Wings pixelizing away.
A lady clad in onyx-colored armor busts out of the debris.

You see a familiar prompt above her: [ Inspect Player ]
[ Player: Valkyria
Lv. 71 Omni User
Mainhand: 2H Spellfused Bulletblade
Offhand: N/A
Gear: Black Diamond Plate Armor
Wings: Omega Wings ]

Oh shit. You just encountered a no-lifer.

She waves her hair around like she was in a hair commercial, and if that hair commercial was fine with short hair. "Hoho, didn't expect to find some newbies in a place like this."

How do you act around her/what do you do?
---

nikko004 posted...

Been single for 25 years because I can't seem to figure out why women won't date me. When I'm avoiding responsibilities which happens a lot, I like to play videogames all day while saying it's just a nice escape from reality because this world sucks, while also using this said excuse to justify being blissfully ignorant of the fact that I'm really just using videogames as a distraction towards thinking about my future or any other hard trains of thought."
You flap your shirt collar. "Aaand I work a shitty white-collar job at a company where I refuse to show any effort above the bare-minimum because I'm perfectly comfortable with where I am in life

shut the fuck up SHIT THE FUCK UP THAT'S NOT TRUE *sobs*

>Dani: Ask how their ship crashed and if they saw the pirate one
---

uppin
---

nikko004 posted...

uppin

---

>Dani: Ask how their ship crashed and if they saw the pirate one

You point at the lady. "Oh look Nobert, a convenient distraction from our emotionally charged conversation, how wonderful!" You turn to her with a business smile. "Excuse me miss, but what is the story behind your crashed airship?"

She scoffs at you. "Oh, this thing? Well, this thing is the pride and joy of the Darkhelm guild. And the situation behind it is a little too far ahead for you newbies, but I happen to be fighting my way to the Labyrinth."

Nobert smirks. "I sure don't see a lot of fighting right now."

She pixelizes her giant rainbow-emitting sword. "I'm sorry, did you want to see some fighting?"

You shove Nobert aside. "Haha, please do not worry about him. He's, uh, just very shy around women."

"What? No I'm not--"

You elbow him. "Haha, he's very adamant about his denial. Anyway, would you happen to have seen another crashed airship around here? It looks kind of like a pirate ship.--"

She stabs her sword into the gravel and starts walking towards Nobert. "No wait, I'm more interested about this. Usually, guys get scared real easily around me, but this one's actually shy?"

He flails his arms. "Seriously? Do I look shy right now? Is that what I'm giving off here--"

You elbow him in the groin, causing him to writhe in pain a bit. "Do you see? He is hunched over from how shy he is."

She raises a curious eyebrow. "Well aren't you adorable. Y'know, you totally look like my type. Especially with your avant garde sense of fashion."

He continues to writhe. "Avant garde? That's the word we're using here? Dani, what the fuck are you trying to pull here--"

You give a loud and fake laugh. "Haha! Oh Nobert, you are simply ever so helpless, having to turn to me in a panic. I'm afraid I cannot help you this time."

He looks at you with a face that screams "Really?"

The lady leans over towards Nobert, getting pretty up close in his face. "I'm usually not one for small talk, but I'm Valkyria. In this game, at least. But to you, sweetie? You can call me Val."

He huffs a bit from the pain. "Yeah, hoo, great, hi, uh, Val. Look, this isn't really a good time, I, uh, need special attention for my special needs area--"

She giggles. "Ooh, playing hard to get, are you? I like that. So tell me about yourself, Nopants. What kind of man are you?"

What do you (Nobert) say?/How do you act?
---

up
---

double up
---

Nob: flirt with her while not so subtly prying her for information
---

Bump
---

>Nobert: flirt with her while not so subtly prying her for information

You try to shrug off your pain. "What kind of man am I? Uh, human, I guess?"

Dani whispers in your ear. "What are you doing?"

You look at her, disgruntled, and whisper back. "What are YOU doing? I preferred it when you were more quiet about things, can we go back to that?"

"That is not important right now. You have an opportunity to get us back on track towards victory standing right in front of you, flaunting herself! Also an opportunity for love. But mostly victory."

You roll your eyes. "Fuck it, fiiine," you say, shoving her aside and standing up straight. "Sorry, I misspoke. I'm a very fuckable man. In fact, that is the only trait that is interesting about me so you should refrain from asking any more about me." You turn to Dani with a thumbs up.

She facepalms at you.

Val raises a mischievous eyebrow at you. "Wrow. I'm sure you are. What say you and I--"

You put your finger against her lip, shushing her. "Look, let's just cut the bullshit here. You let me know if you saw a pirate ship on your way from crashing here. If you did, great. You lead us to it, we'll go have a nice romantic candlelit [REDACTED], we find our friend, I leave you as a one night stand, you start missing me and try to call me but you forgot to get my number not that it matters since I don't have a cellphone in this game anyway, I don't even stop to think about you for any time after this encounter, I die, you hear about it and come to my funeral along with your children to make up for not coming during our first and only sexual encounter but hopefully that's not your fault, and then you cremate me and use my ashes for a shaman ritual to open a gateway to hell where you can then burn in damnation next to me for eternity."
You adjust your collar. "But like, in a friends-only kind of mutual damnation not a, uh, a romantic one."

Val blinks a few times to process everything you said. "Wh--"

You clear your throat. "Also you tell me everything that newbies like us should know so that we can start sucking less at this dumbass game."

She rubs her eyes. "Wrow. Okay. I was not expecting that kind of spunk from you." She puts a finger to your chin. "I like that a lot. Well, I didn't see a pirate ship, but what do you wanna know, hon'? I know this game inside-out." She bats her eyelids. "Or you could get to know me inside-out."

You turn to Dani and whisper to her. "Is it just me or is this lady actually fucked in the head?"

She crosses her arms. "You are both not well in your heads. A perfect match, I would say. Now come on, don't leave her in suspense!"

What do you say/ask?
---