Last Topic: 2:12:05am, 08/25/2022
Last Post: 12:32:55am, 08/25/2022
I hate having autism. I hate having everything I do be judged by this singular fact.
Diagnosed at age sevenand never had a chance to live a true childhood. My peers asked questions, why does he get special treatment and I dont? At the time, I didnt even understand what the issue was! Why was it that kids withdrew from talking to me? Why was it that I enjoyed the kids not talking to me?
I reveled in being alone. The space where no one existed but me, my imaginary friends, and my family was the only entity that I had control over, and that gave me tremendous joy. Maybe its because of the poor environment I grew up in, but I learned that the outside world was exceedingly cruel; I avoided making any true friends.
Years and years of developing without basic human interaction outside my immediate family pass by. In 2017, I vowed to fight my autism by becoming a normal human being. What followed those plans in the coming years were the absolute worst social-decisions I have ever made. At one point, I finally realized the limitations that autism presents: perhaps operating in the normal world just isn't in my physical capabilities, so I give up.
There was a brief stint where I managed to go to a military school; predictably, I was eventually let go due to my having autism. You will never get a waiver to serve in the military, I was told. At first, in my arrogant nature, I sought to challenge them because they were obviously wrong; it did not succeed.
Perhaps they are right. Five years later, I still cannot manage to talk normally with people; I still havent found someone whom I truly can call a friend; I still get paranoid if people suspect my being autisitc; I still struggle to do basic tasks like waking up in the morning, keeping a clean room, and texting back on time.
It has been five years; I have made no progress, and I am still lonely as ever. My few acquaintances moved on, and here I lay, with no one to talk to.
I am simply not strong enough to endure this. I hate having this disability! I hate being alone! I hate being unable to talk to people! I hate never being able to have a relationship! I hate the thought of being single forever! I hate the thought that I can never truly overcome this! I hate how I can never express my feelings. I hate it; i hate it; i hate it ; i hate it; i hate it; i whish i was never born with this fucking useless ass disabliily i fucking ahte my self and I cant fucking take it anmyore i hate it i hate it
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"How's it going, lads?" - Former Secretary of Defense GEN. James N. Mattis, USMC (Ret.)