Current Events > My mom is passing away and I feel lost

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"Why are you on CE right now dude wtf" - It is physically and emotionally draining sitting in one spot and holding a passing person's hand for hours at a time, I need a few minutes to catch my breath.

I'm exhausted though. My mom's husband is doing the majority of the work administering medicine and when i am here he can get up and do things to refresh a little. My one brother came for a day to say goodbye and left. My sister and other brother have not come up. I feel like at least one of the kids should be here with her though.

Anyway I hope no one has to experience this any time soon but if you have questions or anything let me know. I still have a lot of questions but no one's tried to plan anything for the past 15 years and now no one wants to resolve anything until the passing so that's exhausting too.

What I would say is even if you're not going to be there for the whole process at least give yourself more time than you think. I've been here since Sunday. Growing up and even in my adult life my mom has always done all the talking so I always just listened. Now she can't talk and I struggled for the first couple of days to think of what to say. Yesterday I finally had the emotional strength to share memories and gratitude for different things without completely choking up. So if I just came for a day like my brother I wouldn't have been able to do that

My sympathy. I went through the same thing woth my grandmother a couple years ago and it was rough. For what it's worth I'm sure she appreciates you being there.

It's not easy.

I only visited my father in the hospital once, because he was dead before he left the house, he lasted less than an hour after they shut off the machines.

I wasn't there for that because watching my father die in front of me twice in three days was something I couldn't do.

It's an intensely personal thing, but I think you're making the right calls.

Sorry to hear about this. I'm sure she really appreciates you being there with her during all of this

I'm so sorry, TC. I can't imagine how difficult this situation is.

Condolences.

My condolences.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

Take care of yourself.

Nobody can fault you for being on CE, you need breaks from reality and a place to vent. We're here for you.

do whatever you need to do to take a breather, do not feel bad about it. crying is also okay to do tc.

i went through the same thing with my dad so i know how taxing it can be. youre there for your mom and thats all that matters, and im sure she knows and appreciates that even tho she cant tell you.

CE is here for ya tc.

I'm so sorry man. My greatest sympathies.

DrizztLink posted...

It's not easy.

I only visited my father in the hospital once, because he was dead before he left the house, he lasted less than an hour after they shut off the machines.

I wasn't there for that because watching my father die in front of me twice in three days was something I couldn't do.

It's an intensely personal thing, but I think you're making the right calls.

That's hard man I am sorry you had to go through that. I last saw my dad a year before he passed. He got injured and was in a physical rehab center for a month and my oldest brother told me I had to help so I spent a month with him and helped him get to an assisted living home. That brother never did show up. Had the gall to ask for 1000 dollars when driving *by* the area, I gave the money no questions asked, he didn't even stop for a day to say hi to dad.

It is surreal being here. My mom is in a hospice routine at home so we are in the living room where I grew up doing homework on the floor with the stray cat, watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune through the mirror in the China cabinet in the kitchen, playing on my first computer and playing N64 and dreamcast and PS2. Having friends over or going to their house. Just a ton of memories and now we are at this point.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. I just sent emails out to my college professors explaining why my work isn't getting done, one already responded that it's no problem so that's good. Just a lot of shit to stress about

Hexenherz posted...

Just a ton of memories and now we are at this point.

I know the feeling.

One thing that helped me was to focus on how many more happy memories you have than the ones from the end.

Your house is a place of loss right now, but it was a place of love for far longer.

Everybody processes grief differently, when my dad died I basically shut down for a few days. I only would "deal with it" whenever my kid needed me and once I would comfort her or deal with whatever she needed I'd just shut down again.

Man this has been a surreal experience. There weren't any real changes since Sunday, I went through the whole range of emotions and said a lot of things I wanted to say to her and have just been sitting here for the majority of each day. At some point I started having these naive thoughts that maybe she would actually end up recovering somehow just because her condition wasn't really worsening.

Today though the catheter bag has gone from the same yellow it's been in to a cranberry red color so I know it's getting worse.

I'm also confused by how it's all playing out, she hasn't eaten or had any water in over a week now and that just seems unreal.

Hexenherz posted...

. I feel like at least one of the kids should be here with her though.

maybe it's too hard for them. i thought about not being there for my dog but i had to anyway because it's what she would've wanted (saw multiple tumors growing) didn't want her to suffer like my cat.

also suffered my uncle's loss though that wasn't as debilitating emotionally (i react differently). found him on the floor in the morning when he died due to ending himself but knew something was wrong that night when he didn't get up to use the bathroom.

I'm really sorry.

My condolences.

I'm sorry this is happening to you

I'm sorry TC. Stay strong that's all I can say

Whatever you need to do to heal do it. Once your parents pass away, your perspective on life and what's important completely shifts

thank you for being there. I've worked in nursing homes for 20 years now and have seen quite a few people pass without any family visiting or being there at the end. It's really hard but you're doing the right thing.

I'm also confused by how it's all playing out, she hasn't eaten or had any water in over a week now and that just seems unreal.

this isn't uncommon. It means the medication they're giving her for comfort and pain management is doing what it's supposed to, and they're probably giving her supplements for nutrition while they can.

That sucks. Sorry dude.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My wife passed last year (medically assisted) in many ways to avoid the kinda drawn out process of passing away in this way.

As odd as this might sound, do what is right for you. You being there with her is right for you, just like it is right for your siblings not to be. It sucks but it is necessary for you to take care of yourself too.

Grief is a roller coaster, both while this is happening and after. Take care of yourself, go to therapy if you can, feel the loss but also it's OK when you have feelings of relief when they are no longer in pain.

Just keep talking to her. Let her passing be more comforting as she hears the voices of her children and loved ones. Say everything, sing, and keep holding her until she's finally at peace.

thronedfire2 posted...

thank you for being there. I've worked in nursing homes for 20 years now and have seen quite a few people pass without any family visiting or being there at the end. It's really hard but you're doing the right thing.

this isn't uncommon. It means the medication they're giving her for comfort and pain management is doing what it's supposed to, and they're probably giving her supplements for nutrition while they can.

What you did for 20 years takes a certain kind of person. Being a caretaker twice, I have decided It's not for me. My friend before she passed suggested It's something I should do. She thought I needed a new purpose I guess. I told her it was just for her and our mutual friend. They were a force of good in my life and I owed it to them. I can't see my self doing it again

I'm sorry man. I lost my mom not quite 6 months ago, home hospice is the roughest part.

Did your mom have a favorite place or activity? Maybe cook a favorite food she liked so she can smell it, smell is closely tied to memory. If she liked the beach, hold a sea shell so she can smell it, place it in her hand to feel like. I like to think that sort of thing could help her pass with good memories on the mind.

This is awful to hear man, I had lost my grandma about 3 weeks ago. I was helping my mom through the process. She went from a fall in november that the assisted living facility didn't catch for 24 hours, to a rehab where she just stayed in bed and got a pressure ulcer that progressed unstaged to basically stage 4.
She was refusing to eat or drink at the time and my grandma actually yelled at me at the time to stop bothering her when I was begging/joking with her to eat. She apologized afterwards and said she loved me and I told her I understood.
4 weeks ago we put her in hospice care with the doctor telling us she had 3 months to live since she was refusing to eat and drink or barely had anything. Then like 6 days later doctor tells us she has 48 hours left to live. She died within 24 hours. I was there for the last 16ish or so and my whole family was there for her final breath.

At the time we got the notice my mom told me I could just go home and sleep and come by in the morning. I had honestly considered it, but I told myself if she passed away during the night how much I would regret it. So I went to be with my grandma trading an hour of sleep or so with my mom throughout the night.

It's not a fun process, especially when your mom is in basically shambles over the whole thing. Hearing her sing lullabies to her and remembering it still brings a tear to my eye as I recall it now.

My brother managed to come by early in the morning and was with her. I took some candid photos that I think look absolutely beautiful showing my mom singing to my grandma and my brother holding her hand, but I don't think I can ever share the photos with them of the moment. About 15 minutes after that photo she passed away.

For us, she opened her eyes and acknowledged us, and we all said how much we loved her and it's ok we're all safe and will be safe and thanks for everything she had done. Then she took a breath, closed her eyes and stopped breathing. I took her pulse which was very thready and went to go get a nurse who then pronounced the official time of death about five minutes after.

My only advice for you is, while it may be troubling times, tell yourself constantly, will not doing something you need to do be a regret in the future? If so, do it. I absolutely would've been depressed if I didn't stay with my mom overnight taking turns watching grandma. Or being there for her in her final moments.

Also I know you're not the only one who is around your mom currently. But if she starts breathing ragged that means the time is close. A doctor's timing of 72 hours is pretty damn accurate. Just being there can be a great comfort at a time when someone doesn't know what will happen when they pass away. Don't let their last moment be a terrified or lonely one.

In terms of grief...I don't know how to really word it or prepare you for it, but the only thing I can say is you'll really miss the person a lot. When she passed we all had a family meal together, and when we cremated her we had grandma's favorite meal. A simple cheeseburger and a milkshake from mcdonalds.

Just know the world will move on while time still feels stopped for you. You'll kind of be upset that everything is continuing when something horrible happened to someone you loved, and I still have to come to grips with that. The first week will be the hardest, and even now after 3ish weeks or so from her passing it still makes me cry to think about it. I think after the first month I'll feel a little better but it'll hurt to remember the moment.

If you can, just record the stories you tell her. If she ever does talk, maybe record those moments too. It doesn't have to be a video, but it'll mean so much later on even if it brings a lot of pain. Or record the moments of family sharing with her.

I am so sorry hexenherz.

Its emotionally draining, but you are absolutely doing the best thing for your mum. Remember to be kind to yourself, though.

My condolences. I lost my wife last August and May 20th is our anniversary. So I definitely feel your pain.

I lost my dad a few years ago so I know what its like

I broke down throughout the week and cried; this is especially harder when my kids ask about their grandpa

i dont know why but my brothers didnt even come to the funeral, maybe couldnt go through with it. But my cousins came, that made me feel a little better

I wish your mom thoughtful words from now on

Lost my mom this time of year a few years back. The entire process was just absolutely draining leading up to her finally passing. I did the whole thing of holding her hand while she went, but man I wish I wouldn't have. She went out screaming in agony. I'm still kind of messed up by it. Lots of people slowly fade away and kind of just give out. Others thrash around and scream. I do not recommend the experience of the latter.

Jiek_Fafn posted...

Lost my mom this time of year a few years back. The entire process was just absolutely draining leading up to her finally passing. I did the whole thing of holding her hand while she went, but man I wish I wouldn't have. She went out screaming in agony. I'm still kind of messed up by it. Lots of people slowly fade away and kind of just give out. Others thrash around and scream. I do not recommend the experience of the latter.

My MIL basically had to starve and choke to death on her own throat secretions after a stroke :( apparently its what she wanted. no fuckin idea how the doctors got that info out of her when she could barely get a syllable out

Sorry to hear TC.

I lost my dad two years ago and I'm leaning to believe a lot of these processes are exhausting in their own way. I mean for starters we didn't have a perfect relationship, and his ego persisted through the process.

I mean for sure he was clearly going through it. You get told you have pancreatic cancer, and what that means, I'm sure your mind goes everywhere. But per his usual self he just wanted to be difficult, making it a juggling act of being concerned for his life but also having to challenge him to prevent him from going overboard with demands.

You live with that situation for a few weeks, or perhaps just a few days, or even just multiple stints of hours straight, you're definitely being realistic in expressing this TC. There's just this type of stagnation in the face of expiring time, especially when your mom can't talk. But you being able to be the vocal one in this stretch, make the most of it.

It's tough, but you can kinda embrace the fact you still have/had the time in the hospital. My uncle almost died in front of me. Sudden terms, just relatively speaking, would be harder to cope with imo.

yea, sorry, TC.

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said.

hopefully being there will be some comfort, even if it's a little, in the future.

I'm very sorry to hear that, TC. No one should have to go through what you're experiencing right now.

I'm sorry, man. As others have said, I'm sure she appreciates you being there for her. Everyone deals with situations like these in their own ways. I think I can sort of relate because my elderly grandma seems to just barely be hanging on these days. She's so old that it's easier to come to terms with the fact she eventually has to pass away, but it's still hard seeing her. If it were my mother in her place, it'd be even harder.

Anyway, prayers to you, your mom, and the rest of your family. Stay strong.

You arent alone. Ive gone through that three times with various family members over the last two years and youre right in that its mentally and physically exhausting. Nothing can help prepare you for it but through the process youll find hidden strengths you never knew existed and for those times you dont feel strong. Thats ok as well.

My father is a fairly big smoker and he's nearly 70. I'm expecting him to come down with something in the not-so-distant future. Shame, but nothing I can really do about it. If he wants to smoke himself to death, that's his decision at the end of the day.

My mom seems to live a healthier lifestyle, but I'm not too optimistic about her. I think with all the stress I've given her over the years, it's almost a miracle that she hasn't had a stroke or anything yet. The least I can do is stop worrying her.

I guess one thing I've learned is that even if you don't get along with your family or relatives, you really shouldn't make them worry. Regret is a bitch. Life's random and the future is unknown, but at least make sure you have the satisfaction of knowing you didn't actively make their lives more difficult than they needed to be.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, TC.

My mom is getting older but she eats pretty healthy, exercises regularly and still goes out fairly often. But I still worry about her all the time, especially when I'm at work where I don't get the best cell reception.

If you havent spoken to your loved ones in a while and keep meaning to do it dont put it off. Call your loved ones today people.

You're a good man tc. My sympathy. God bless.

I want to say thank you to everyone who opened up and shared your personal stories, too, I shouldn't be surprised but I am sad so many of you also endured this.

Throughout the week I went through a whole range of emotions. We thought she was going to be gone by the weekend but despite all odds she lived through it. I learned a lot about her partner's background that I never knew and I even learned a ton of cool stuff about my aunt when she came to visit. My uncle stopped by for one day and that just drained my brain though, he tells these inappropriate stories.

Anyway, I am glad I went and strongly recommend anyone who will face this situation in the future to go too and say everything you have put off saying. I regret not spending more time over the years with my mom but I feel good that I went and got a lot of things off my chest and thanked her for a lot of things I don't think anyone in the family has thanked her for.

I had to leave yesterday after being there 8 days, it was hard to say goodbye and I hope she finds peace soon. I don't think I would have the strength to survive as long as she has and as weird as it sounds it is almost inspirational, she is a tough woman to the end.

Sorry that you're going through this right now. I think it's good that you were there for as long as you were. I'm sure it gave your mom's partner a much needed mental break. I'm glad you got to connect with some other family members too in the process.

Sorry to hear that