Current Events > Is it acceptable to approach women at a coffee shop?

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's kinda weird yeah

Starting a casual conversation in the queue? Fine if done right.

Approaching a lone woman at night? No, you are more likely to frighten her.

You can start casual conversations with people in public yes. If I'm in the grocery store, & I'm in the chip aisle while looking at chips & a woman is as well, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for advice or if they have tried something I might want to try, ask if they liked it. Keep it casual & you're not likely to have issues, but don't drag strangers into long conversations

This is a double Edged sword. I get that a woman alone being approached can be scary.

On the other hand stuff like this makes me believe that the male loneliness problem will continue to jump up significantly.

Edit: With this said I need more context. Like how did this guy actually approach her.

Man I swear lol. There is nothing wrong with engaging in conversation with people in public. If she don't wanna talk, move on. If the situation above actually happened, there has to be more to it.

Brykner posted...

Chicks ain't responding to my messages on dating apps, can't talk to chicks IRL, my work is a sausage fest; how the fuck is ya man Brykner supposed to not die alone?!

If you ugly noe.

If youse handsome den yes.

People should be allowed to exist in public spaces without having to indulge in strangers desires to interact. The last thing I want to do while grocery shopping is discuss my favorite brand of chips

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


slyly asking her if she's safe, without him knowing is not an overreaction
they never accused him of anything or made the situation needlessly uncomfortable

that's just precaution

Just a small town 18 year old girl at Starbucks
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight starbucks run going anywherrrreeee
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took also took the midnight run going anyyyywheeeeree

"Strangers waitin' Up and down the boulevard"

Let's not gate keep rom com scenarios from happening now

So are bars the only socially acceptable place to try to talk to women or is that gone too? Has it become we have to use a dating app?

Hinakuluiau posted...

People should be allowed to exist in public spaces without having to indulge in strangers desires to interact. The last thing I want to do while grocery shopping is discuss my favorite brand of chips

A week or two ago I was looking through cans of soup I was going to get, a woman was walking by with her kid & asked me about the backpack I have. She asked me if I liked it & how long I had it, explained & such & recommended it as it's been a great knapsack for me for 5+ years. It was a conversation that lasted for less than 2 minutes. Human interaction isn't some weird thing, sometimes people just want to ask others for information or advice, & then everyone goes about their day.

If you have ulterior motives yes it can be an issue if it's clear the person does it constantly, but it cost me nothing more than a small amount of time to recommend what I had to someone, & believe it or not, human beings crave interaction because we're social creatures.

ROBANN_88 posted...

slyly asking her if she's safe, without him knowing is not an overreaction

Sneaking a secret message to somebody asking if they need help absolutely is an overreaction to the mere act of a man talking to a woman.

Probably fine but the devil's always in the details. Like if she appears to be working from the coffee shop then I'd say leave her be. If she's casually hanging out I'd say it's okay to approach and gauge if she's interested in talking. If she makes it clear that she's not or if her body language says she's uncomfortable with you talking to her then walk away.

I think its fine to approach someone, but also be open to obvious signals of go away, creepo if she aint into you

Tenlaar posted...

Sneaking a secret message to somebody asking if they need help absolutely is an overreaction to the mere act of a man talking to a woman.

Even if it is an overreaction, if the woman is safe, she just reacts accordingly. No harm. In the low chance that she actually is in danger, this simple act could be a lifesaver.

I wonder how old the man was. I doubt they would have done this if he was close to her age, but those baristas see hundreds of interactions a day and I trust that they generally know sketch when they see it

Just wondering, but how would she drink that cup of coffee if she doesn't want them to "intervene". Or is that an empty cup and free coffee is a lie?

Tenlaar posted...

Sneaking a secret message to somebody asking if they need help absolutely is an overreaction to the mere act of a man talking to a woman.

But we dont know thats what this is.

The sorts of men who get shit every time they approach women arent getting it because women are unapproachable. Theyre getting it because theyre doing it wrong.

Just dont approach women at all. If they are interested, then they will make the first move. This isnt the 60s anymore. Men need to learn their place

Glob posted...

But we dont know thats what this is.

Literally the only information we have is that a man started talking to a woman and the woman did not feel uncomfortable/unsafe.

Tenlaar posted...

Sneaking a secret message to somebody asking if they need help absolutely is an overreaction to the mere act of a man talking to a woman.

no, it's only an overreaction when it causes consequenses

pullng a gun would be an overreaction
coming in and saying "you gotta leave" would be an overreaction
asking her out loud could be edging it

this was just a very simple vibe-check to make sure everything's good

ROBANN_88 posted...

no, it's only an overreaction when it causes consequenses

That is not a requirement for something to be an overreaction.

It depends ENTIRELY on social cues. Are they doing something? Are they clearly waiting for someone? Do they look like they will kill you if you say something to them?

A lot of people not only go to coffee shops to people watch, but to engage with others. But this is certainly not the case for everyone. The best person to approach is a regular who you can tell is there you soak in the atmosphere.

As always though, if you feel like you gotta shoot your shot and will never get another opportunity, then just say hi and ask the questions from above. Just don't be a jerk if they are busy and/or have the social grace of a wound up house cat. Don't take it personally and keep at it and you will the conversations just become part of your day.

Damn is this why women remove lids when I talk to them

Tenlaar posted...

That is not a requirement for something to be an overreaction.

it's not an absolute, but in the context of this story i'd say so

I don't like being approached by strangers unnecessrily, and women repeatedly say they don't either, so no, probably not.

To be fair, meeting people at random in public will always have a weirdness to it. If a woman did it to me, id assume shes trying to scam me.

I feel like the only way to meet the opposite sex is through mutual activities or meeting from family gatherings, parties, clubs etc.

So people like me who only go home after work and straight onto their computer, onto gamefaqs, we're alone forever brothers.

No unless you're being creepy in which case yes. Sadly creepers sometimes don't realize they're creepy.

Tenlaar posted...

Literally the only information we have is that a man started talking to a woman and the woman did not feel uncomfortable/unsafe.

Thats not true. We also know that he didnt stop.

That means that either he couldnt detect that she was uncomfortable when others around him could, in which case the failing is his, or that he could detect it and chose not to back off immediately, in which case the failing is his.

Make a funny observation. See if she does the same thing. Go back and forth on that.

If she doesn't seem like she wants to talk, end it there.

ROBANN_88 posted...

slyly asking her if she's safe, without him knowing is not an overreaction

Based on the information given, sure it is. Most people don't like having you get into their business or interrupt their conversations because it turns the train of thought and/or their "vibe" into something else.

Moreover, there is an implicit implication that the other looks like someone who would be violent to women. If that person asks what the note was you have put that woman in a poor place whether she answers truthfully or not, and if she answers truthfully, you have insulted the man.

To put it in one word, such an action is rude.

I think it's one of those things where there's maybe an okay way to do it, and a definitely NOT okay way to do it.

If you make some casual greetings, maybe try to start up a conversation, pay attention to social cues and immediately back off if they're not showing interest, I think it's fine.

If you very deliberately target someone with the intention of picking them up, then keep pushing and try to force a conversation even when they're showing signs that they're not interested, it's NOT fine.

The fact that a lot of men will do the second one and then try to rationalize it with excuses like "How am I supposed to meet anyone otherwise?" or "You miss every shot you don't take," is the reason a lot of people just want to say, no, you can't ever do that. If you're mad that this has become more and more socially unacceptable over the years, get mad at them.

Also if you do decide that you want to do this, keep in mind there are contextual things that can make it worse. Doing it during the day in a fairly crowded coffee will feel safer than doing it at night in a fairly empty one. If you're decades older than the person you approach, obviously that's going to make you look more predatory. And if you go in with the mentality of "This person is hot, I want to use this interaction to date / have sex with them," then chances are that will come across to them.

And finally, remember that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to do what you can to avoid making the experience unpleasant for whoever you approach and to BACK THE FUCK OFF if they aren't interested. Err on the side of caution. If they don't seem very interested, and they're not actively continuing the conversation, leave them alone. They're just trying to relax and have something to drink. If you think it's okay to make them nervous / uncomfortable just on the off chance you can get a date, you are being a selfish asshole.

All of the above should be common sense, but enough people don't get this (or don't care because they are selfish assholes) to make a lot of people say no, you should never approach a stranger in a coffee shop.

Gotta get on the apps

TheShadowViper posted...

Based on the information given, sure it is. Most people don't like having you get into their business or interrupt their conversations because it turns the train of thought and/or their "vibe" into something else.

Moreover, there is an implicit implication that the other looks like someone who would be violent to women. If that person asks what the note was you have put that woman in a poor place whether she answers truthfully or not, and if she answers truthfully, you have insulted the man.

To put it in one word, such an action is rude.

The mans feelings are not as important as the womans safety. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense.

Glob posted...

Thats not true. We also know that he didnt stop.

That means that either he couldnt detect that she was uncomfortable when others around him could, in which case the failing is his, or that he could detect it and chose not to back off immediately, in which case the failing is his.

She wasn't uncomfortable. There was no uncomfortable for him or them to detect. We know this.

TheShadowViper posted...

If that person asks what the note was

i think the point of putting it on the cup was that he wouldn't see the note

Tenlaar posted...

She wasn't uncomfortable. There was no uncomfortable for him or them to detect. We know this.

No we dont, because they did detect it.

Topics like this make me thank god that Im married.

Between (some) people thinking every interaction with the opposite sex is being a creep and the wasteland that is online/app dating, being single in today's world sounds miserable.

Glob posted...

No we dont, because they did detect it.

The tweet literally says that she was OK with the interaction.

Side note: She felt safe and did not remove the lid, but let them know.

What's being left out is that the woman was likely very clearly uncomfortable, the guy was a big creep (or known by the staff to being a creep). Simple enough. And even if she was okay with it doesn't make the coffeeshop in the wrong to check.

And sure, it's okay to approach a woman at a coffee shop. It's also okay for her to blow the guy off briskly and/or rudely or to try to ignore him, and the dude should then fuck off accordingly, too.

Glob posted...

No we dont, because they did detect it.

They were wrong.