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However, the achievement of this pivotal juncture was not a solitary feat. It was a testament to the collective efforts of a lineage of pioneers and champions that the rise of these two African American quarterbacks to the grandest stage of American sports occurred. Generations of African American athletes, individuals who, across various sporting disciplines, devoted their endeavors to challenge the foundations of racial bias and paved a path for the unrestricted advancement of talent, regardless of color, preceded them. A steadfast pursuit of equality and justice was constituted by their struggle and triumphs, and the essential groundwork upon which the subsequent success of these two quarterbacks was built was laid by them.

I had to rewrite this because before I used the passive voice rolls eyes. But I don't know, how this reads .

A little clunky, and overusing commas to separate phrases that really could be their own sentences.

I like your words and what you're saying, but there's room to make the thing not quite such a slog to get through.

Put it through the Hemingway App web interface. It'll give you a starting point on how to make this prose shorter and more coherent.

passive voice is fine but you can say:

"remains"
"proves to be"
"illustrates"
"exemplifies"
"demonstrates"

instead of "to be" constructions.

cjsdowg posted...

However, the achievement of this pivotal juncture was not a solitary feat.

A juncture is something you arrive at, not achieve.

This achievement was not a solitary feat.

It was a testament to the collective efforts of a lineage of pioneers and champions that the rise of these two African American quarterbacks to the grandest stage of American sports occurred.

I would rewrite so you don't end on the verb. It's slightly awkward.

The rise of these two African American quarterbacks to the grandest stage was a testament to the collective efforts of a lineage of pioneers.

Generations of African American athletes, individuals who, across various sporting disciplines, devoted their endeavors to challenge the foundations of racial bias and paved a path for the unrestricted advancement of talent, regardless of color, preceded them.

I would tidy this up by removing some redundancies: things already stated or clear from context.

Generations of athletes who challenged the foundations of racial bias and forged a path for the unrestricted advancement of talent.

A steadfast pursuit of equality and justice was constituted by their struggle and triumphs, and the essential groundwork upon which the subsequent success of these two quarterbacks was built was laid by them.

Still a bit passive and wordy.

Their steadfast pursuit of equality and justice, their struggles and triumphs, were the groundwork upon which these two quarterbacks built their success.

I had to rewrite this because before I used the passive voice rolls eyes. But I don't know, how this reads .

Hope you don't mind me making these suggestions. Feel free to disregard, of course.