Current Events > troubles with kink/fetish IMO...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Im addressing several posts that have come across my dash.

Its like there is increasing acceptance of peoples weirdest fetishes at face value, instead of attempting to deconstruct WHY they have these fetishes and work on the underlying reasons. For example, WHY is someone a devotee (disability fetishist). WHY do they have a need to be dominated.

It seems to me that growth would come from finding out why and working on that underlying tendency, not just giving in.

Another problem is that kink/fetish sex seems to be indicating a growing desensitization to sex. Remember your first time, you didnt need any bells and whistles, right? zomg, its a real live naked person and I like them! if your experience was a good one.

In my lurking of reuniting.info I discovered that a lot of people are increasingly unable to respond to normal sex; you have YOUNG MEN who now have erectile dysfunction. People who do BDSM play tend to want harder and harder play over time, you can be vulnerable to leather butt. Sex becomes about meeting an addictive need for stimulation, not about being with your partner. When it stops even being about sex, its IMO because its started to be about the endorphins and or power kick. You can be addicted to sub space to the point that it is detached from who is actually giving it to you.

Relationships seem to be increasingly about fulfilling an impossible sexual fantasy wish list. And something is wrong if your partner isnt willing to carry out that wish list. Youre even told by assholes like Dan Savage that other people are required to humor your most ridiculous fantasies and a failure to do so is grounds for a divorce.

Btw, Im not just some ridiculous prude, I say this as someone who has experienced this community and is familiar with it. Ive BEEN in sub space, Ive BEEN in dom space. I have submission triggers. Im also determined to not let people find them because its not NORMAL OR HEALTHY to ragdoll. Rag dolling is a conditioned abuse response.

I became deconditioned from most of these responses, though a few still remain and i continually challenge them. Once I began working on the abuse issues that produced these responses, most eventually extincted.

I have found that opening up the capacity for so-called vanilla connection has actually produced my deepest connections where my kinky relationships and experiences were not intimate, I was just fooled into thinking they were. I also had no idea who I was or what I actually liked during my years of trying to be an open minded kinkster; during that time, there was so much element of trying too hard. I would get with men because of feeling pressured to be open minded, and limit my dealings with them to situations that didnt have to actually involve intimate sexual contact. Thus it took me many years to even become aware that my normal default attraction is to WOMEN (with whom I needed NOTHING else except the woman, and an emotional connection).

Finally Kink is very, very materialistic. It sure involves owning a lot of STUFF. And a lot of technical know how. Theres very little spontaneous and organic about it.

https://radtransfem.tumblr.com/post/36133450973/troubles-with-kinkfetish-imo

Is it just me or does this read dangerously close to how homophobic Christians talk about LGBT people?

No kink shaming, bro

They raise some decent points but some of it does sound like hogwash.

People want society to be less puritanical and what better way than *increasing* kink shaming.

People should treat my (fill in the blank) kink the same way I treat people who choose to be Eagles fans.

Garabandal posted...

deconstruct WHY they have these fetishes

Well this starts from the assumption that a fetish concretely and logically fills some psychological need for the fetishist, particularly in an unhealthy manner. You need a lot of evidence to establish this, which has not been provided.

Anteaterking posted...

People want society to be less puritanical and what better way than *increasing* kink shaming.

People should treat my (fill in the blank) kink the same way I treat people who choose to be Eagles fans.

I'd assume you're joking but you have some serious hangups with kink. I've regularly seen you talk about your dislike for kink in general

shame is learned

Ok

Garabandal posted...

I'd assume you're joking but you have some serious hangups with kink. I've regularly seen you talk about your dislike for kink in general

I went back and looked and I could only find three posts in the last year about it in other people's topics. Maybe you've just been in those three topics?

My only "hang up" with kinks is people who treat them as being on the same level as sexual orientation, gender identity, etc. and get defensive when someone thinks it's weird that they want to be smashed by a giant woman.

Anteaterking posted...

I went back and looked and I could only find three posts in the last year about it in other people's topics. Maybe you've just been in those three topics?

My only "hang up" with kinks is people who treat them as being on the same level as sexual orientation, gender identity, etc. and get defensive when someone thinks it's weird that they want to be smashed by a giant woman.

I don't think anyone's telling you that you can't find it weird. Just don't be an asshole to someone over it

I guess at the end of the day i wonder if kink is even compatible with progressive politics. Since most feminist theory is anti-kink

100% this person got into kink through 50 Shades.

Doe posted...

But for many people with fetishes, they discover that fetish before they ever had sex; for fetishes that do not need to explicitly involve a sex act, I've heard of people having a sexual awakening to it before even knowing they're also regular sexual attracted to people

That's me. I discovered my fetish somewhere between ages 2-5. That's more important to me than "vanilla" sexual attraction. It's just an unchangeable facet of who I am.

You can have a "growing desensitization" to just about anything. Vanilla sex, another person, hobbies, jobs, family members, food, and so on, as well as vices like alcohol and drugs. Having that experience doesn't mean it's somehow bad for you, you just need to come to terms with how it's affecting your life and how you'd like it to change (or not).

Garabandal posted...

I guess at the end of the day i wonder if kink is even compatible with progressive politics. Since most feminist theory is anti-kink

Why? Kink can be just as egalitarian as anything else.

ChocoboMog123 posted...

100% this person got into kink through 50 Shades.

That's me. I discovered my fetish somewhere between ages 2-5. That's more important to me than "vanilla" sexual attraction. It's just an unchangeable facet of who I am.

You can have a "growing desensitization" to just about anything. Vanilla sex, another person, hobbies, jobs, family members, food, and so on, as well as vices like alcohol and drugs. Having that experience doesn't mean it's somehow bad for you, you just need to come to terms with how it's affecting your life and how you'd like it to change (or not).

Why? Kink can be just as egalitarian as anything else.

Many feminists argue that kink, particularly BDSM, eroticizes domination/submission and that's bad for obvious reasons. And the pro-kink feminist arguments have never convinced me otherwise no matter how much I want them to.

Garabandal posted...

I guess at the end of the day i wonder if kink is even compatible with progressive politics. Since most feminist theory is anti-kink

This is stupid.

You sound like a redcap. Who rans on "anti kink" but the GoP? Take LGBQT.

Pull your pants up TC, your ass, I mean bias is showing.

EthanSilver posted...

This is stupid.

You sound like a redcap. Who rans on "anti kink" but the GoP? Take LGBQT.

Pull your pants up TC, your ass, I mean bias is showing.

A lot of lesbian feminists are against kink too

Garabandal posted...

I guess at the end of the day i wonder if kink is even compatible with progressive politics. Since most feminist theory is anti-kink

don't mistake "loudest" for "most"

Garabandal posted...

A lot of lesbian feminists are against kink too

Who gives a shit. There's gay people against gay people too.

Cherry picking incidents is fucking dumb.

No progressive of worth is running on that shit. Meanwhile, it's part of the platform on the right. Never you mind random nobodies that can easily be false flags nobody votes for.

Clown shoes with this dude.

Why is kink a gender issue? Some men are submissive. Some women are submissive.
its all good as long as both parties know what theyre getting into and consent.

Glob posted...

Why is kink a gender issue? Some men are submissive. Some women are submissive.
its all good as long as both parties know what theyre getting into and consent.

Pretty much. So long as it's two consenting adults, peeps should mind their own business.

"Live, and let live." ...and all that.

Garabandal posted...

A lot of lesbian feminists are against kink too

Lol, just how much time do you spend in lesbian spaces? What a joke.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Not really. A lot of feminist theory is anti-BDSM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Against_Sadomasochism

Garabandal posted...

Not really. A lot of feminist theory is anti-BDSM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Against_Sadomasochism

Just stop already, youre out of your depth.

edit: that book was published in 1982

KitKats posted...

Just stop already, youre out of your depth.

Audre Lorde, one of the most cited feminist theorists, was vocally against S/M: https://www.feminist-reprise.org/docs/lordesm.htm

I think if you try to move the goalposts with a link to a wall of text three times in a row you automatically lose the argument

You're a clown TC.

"Let me take the most niche possible take on a group of people I don't like and slam em with it. I'm so smart and good at coping!" ~ TC probably.

EthanSilver posted...

You're a clown TC.

"Let me take the most niche possible take on a group of people I don't like and slam em with it. I'm so smart and good at coping!" ~ TC probably.

Where did I say I was criticizing feminism? I'm talking abiut my own personal hangups that I've had for over a decade and people ITT are assuming the worst shit about me

flussence posted...

I think if you try to move the goalposts with a link to a wall of text three times in a row you automatically lose the argument

I dont think he is even reading what he is linking.

decontextualize is the word of the day

Garabandal posted...

I guess at the end of the day i wonder if kink is even compatible with progressive politics. Since most feminist theory is anti-kink

Are you low "IQ" enough to to think it only counts as criticizing if you say your criticizing?

Because that's not how it works.

I'm thinking out loud. I have dom/sub kinks and feminist theory like the stiff I've posted ITT makes me feel like I'm a bad person if I don't repress this shit and go vanilla. But yeah, I'm totally a GOPer

Garabandal posted...

I have dom/sub kinks and I keep feeling I'm a bad person if I don't repress this s***.

You're not. As long as it's two consenting adults, it doesn't really matter... "Live, and let live."

Couldn't name the "objective wrong" in that, if so. Right?

Garabandal posted...

I'm thinking out loud.

If it was legit just "thinking out loud," or "shooting the breeze.." and didn't mean to purposely maliciously stereotype a group of people. Than no worries, nobody really words, or thinks about everything perfectly. Sorry, it's just hard to tell over the internet, who is genuine, or not. Consider me just full of hot gas then and don't worry about it too much. =P

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Look it was a dumb generalization to make. Sorry. I sure as hell wasn't trying to bash feminism like everyone ITT is assuming of me.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Tbf, sometimes when peeps get "attacked," going on the defense is kind of an instinct that one thinks not much of, just does.

"Let's use google to back me up.."

Garabandal posted...

Audre Lorde, one of the most cited feminist theorists, was vocally against S/M: https://www.feminist-reprise.org/docs/lordesm.htm

There was a time when Karl Marx's body of work was the most cited in academia, period.

A lot of well published feminists are also anti-trans because it "diminishes the experience of women" or some shit, does that make it right? They are judging an issue/people/community without being apart of or understanding it.

Most of the arguments you've presented also apply to vanilla sex. Guy penetrates girl IS "patriarchal sexual ideology." How do you resolve that cognitive dissonance? In a community where M/F, F/M, F/F, and M/M are all equally accepted, how is that any less egalitarian than a community which necessarily cordons off mates into pairs? Is a lesbian couple less lesbian for using a strap-on? That's just a step away from the logic used in the essays you linked. If you're into kink, just read the first sentence of this interview,

I spent June and July of 1980 in rural Vermont, an idyllic, green, vital world, alive in a short summer season. I teach there summers and winters. One afternoon, Sue (another teacher) and I lay sunbathing on a dock in the middle of a small pond. I suddenly imagined what it would be like to see someone dressed in black leather and chains, trotting through the meadow, as I am accustomed to seeing in my urban neighborhood in San Francisco I started laughing as one of the parameters of the theater of sadomasochism became clear; it is about cities and a created culture, like punk rock, which is sustained by a particularly urban technology.

Does that sound like someone who understands the dynamics of kink? Who understands topping from the bottom, safewords, or boundaries?
Seriously, if you understand kink just read the article and look at how ridiculously it portrays kink. It has all the understanding of an episode of CSI - maybe less. It's far more concerned with its portrayal in the media, connection to perceptions of lesbianism, and possible personal misunderstanding than it is concerned with what actually happens.
And it's pretty fair to attack them for their age considering they're mostly talking about kink culture in their area rather than play that happens behind the bedroom door.

But if some old names are going to guilt you for what you like without you actually questioning what they've written, I don't see how I can change that opinion.

Finally Kink is very, very materialistic. It sure involves owning a lot of STUFF. And a lot of technical know how. Theres very little spontaneous and organic about it.

I really like searching out lactation videos. Don't think that involves having a lot of stuff or technical know-how.