Poll of the Day > I've been feeling lost as of late.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Even after I had moved, I still felt like I didn't really have a purpose in my life. I was just fooling myself into thinking that moving away from my previous living arrangement would enable me to figure out what it is that I want. In truth, when I moved away almost a year ago, all I did was distance myself from a toxic living environment, and a place where, as I had protested over again, I did not belong. I don't regret my decision in the slightest, and I still believe that it was the best decision I have ever made.

Life has never been better for me. My current job pays more than any job I've had ever had, I feel useful whenever I am doing work for my IT company. I'm almost ready to finish that Python course, and earn my certification. I'm making a surplus of about a thousand American dollars per month, after I subtract my living expenses and rent payment.

Sometimes, I am pestered by my mother about matters that I really shouldn't have to deal with anymore. She used to use me as her emotional support dog. She'd just go on about my father, and how he'd treat her like trash and such. It's tiresome having to listen to someone who just keeps repeating themselves --- something I am sure that this board has much experience with, given my habit of consistently posting about my existential crisis and just as consistently ignoring any advice given, as I am doing right now.

Recently, my mother told me to get brain surgery in order to remove a tumor that according to her, is exactly the same as the one that rendered her an invalid over a year ago. She refused to listen to my doctor, who had insisted that mine is a benign growth. No, my mother insisted that my growth was exactly the same as hers, and that we were connected in that way; the thought is greatly unsettling beyond all belief. It's tiring having to feel like just an extension of my mother's emotions whenever she attempts to project her worries unto me, pretending that they are her own. It's dehumanizing. She simply exhausts me too much for me to want to call or text her. She's one of the reasons why I had moved away.

In any case, most of these nights, I am unable to sleep. I am kept awake by thoughts of what I'm even doing at this point. I just feel as though I am at a loss as to what would bring me joy and success in my life.

I had decided to pursue a coding certification, with the belief that it would help me find higher-paying work. But I cannot feel that that goal is enough. I don't even have a vague idea of what sort of coding job would fit me --- if any such exist, in any case.

As for what would bring me joy, I had been, for months, trying to get back into my mathematics work. But it is just as droll and uninteresting as it was when I was doing it during my academic career. I had continued on regardless, insisting to myself that I wasn't really living up to my degree. I feel that at some level, I had not truly earned it. Then I insist to myself that it's just a piece of paper that I had been chasing for seven years, in the hopes that obtaining it would figuratively open doors for me. Telling myself this never really helps me feel better, in any case.

Sometime later, I remembered that one of the reasons I had enrolled in college was enable myself to find a job that paid well enough to allow me to move away. And now that I'm away, I just don't know what to do with myself. Nothing just seems interesting to me anymore. Everything's just background noise to me; the usual nonsense, in other words.

I had gotten into writing fan-fiction at one point. It was one of those activities that would genuinely bring me joy, on a day when I was active, alert, and not dissociated from my surroundings as I usually am. I cannot say that the same holds true now. When I had embarked on this project, I had committed to writing at least a page per day, in order to make sure that my project is moving along. It worked out fun enough, upon discovering that more than half of the most recent pages, written in exhaustion and pure apathy, had deviated far too much from my original outline for me to be able to revise and reuse. Now, I realize that I've lost too much interest in it, and in the source material for which I was writing it.

The source material is a children's cartoon, which is something I often think to myself whenever I am questioning my efforts to write a better ending for it. It is also something I think about when I engage in discussions on some Discord server centered about that cartoon. As of late, I've been catching up on many children's cartoons that I'd not been able to watch with much privacy, since my family was always snooping through my activities and things and such. I've signed up for Discord servers dedicated to discussing those cartoons. I don't know why I was surprised when very few of the members still active in those servers were able to engage in meaningful discussion of the show about which their server was based. Most of the traffic consisted of image-spam and people posting all manners of idiotic nonsense. I had to remind myself that these lot were around half my age, which is really something I should take into account each time I consider staying in their virtual presence. I have to wonder what I'm doing with my life, whiling away my time on these children's cartoon servers, waiting and sifting through a bunch of nonsense in the hope that I will soon be able to talk about something that's actually interesting to me.

It chips away at my emotional energy quite a bit, having no one to talk to. Sometimes, I wonder if not having these somewhat alienating social outlets is preferable to absolute solitude. Fear of the latter often draws me to the former, resulting in my not getting much work done on the computer. Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing my mind, having no one to talk to. There have been days when I have not had to use my voice at all. It's extremely hard not to feel lonely. In those rare moments when I have motivation, energy, and enough sleep, I usually write in my journal, so as to feel like I am talking to somebody. I also browse the internet for mental disorders that I can sympathize with; I also search through TVTropes for the same reason.

But most of the time, I'm just feeling emotionally blank. It's part of the reason why I've taken to watching these children's cartoons. Some episodes are just emotionally powerful for me to awaken myself to my surroundings. Most of the time, I just feel nothing. It feels somehow wrong, though, looking for stories that will make me care enough for the rest of the day, until I have to wake up tomorrow feeling as though everything around me is just background noise, yet again. It feels as though I am "exploiting" these cartoons, in a way; a silly though, I know. Recently, I broke my rice-cooker out of fatigue and my own carelessness. I genuinely felt bad, like I was losing a friend. Sometimes, I have to wonder if I am completely sane these days.

There are days when I daydream of going to college again. But then those daydreams are shattered by the reality that I simply abhor listening to other people talk, and by absence of purpose in life. In a way, I had come to associate my life's purpose with having a college major, a sad thing to be sure. During one of those daydreams, I had briefly mused about being a writing major, given how often my peers and professors, during my undergraduate career, had complimented my writings. Some suggested that I was in the wrong major, which I had taken offense to. Now I wonder if these suggestions were truly meant as insults. But then I dismiss the notion of my enrolling in a writing major as ludicrous; I was just writing one bit of fan-fiction, and moreover, I had already given up on it.

Anyway, this is a short summary of how I've been feeling as of late. How was your Sunday, board?

I must have these answers.

Proud of you for using paragraphs bro but I tapped out around the brain tumor part

What you described up until then is fairly normal. Most people feel a bit off when they first move out. You're outside your comfort zone. It's to be expected.

My Sunday was pretty good. My daughter had a lacrosse game and they got annihilated by the visiting team but the coaches are a bunch of cougar milfs in yoga pants so it wasn't all bad

Life is about living. I know that sounds simple/silly, but it is true. A job you don't hate is important, but you can usually find some form of income that allows you to do something you like or don't hate, while having enough to live.

That being said, a 40 hour week may not be what makes you happy. People are doing things like Van life, which can be done quite cheaply in some cases. If you have a good job now, you can get a loan an a van and be paying about $400 a month all in, for a place to live/travel with.There are many jobs you can do on the road, and/or there are companies like people ready that will give you daily jobs wherever you go.

Other things to look into are hobbies you enjoy. I for instance love to white water raft, so working at a company that provides those, and/or as a guide, would be awesome for me (if I was just younger with less health issues and a non-messed up back). Your hobbies may differ, it sounds like you like artistic stuff etc, so something like that might bring you joy.

I'd generally avoid coding though from the things you have said, it can be a hard job to enjoy. I have worked a few coding jobs, including a couple on larger games where I worked as part of a team, and even those were still extremely isolating and boring over a period of time. The creative aspects are great, and when your code gets implemented and you see people play it, it's rewarding, but it's a long road to that point and that was even coding in video games which I enjoy.

As far as my Sunday, well it's been ok over all, didn't get up till 3pm which sucks (just a few weeks ago I was trying HARD to keep waking up by 8 am, so yeah, I seriously failed. Should be starting to work soon, and might have to be there at 7 am sigh (I am a vampire).

Had some chicken thight tacos I bbq'd which were pretty good, and played some dungeons and dragons online, so over all a pretty good sunday.

Anyway, keep your spirits up if you can, enjoy life as much as possible and avoid suffering as much as you can, and you are winning/doing the best you can. Don't worry what other people say you should be doing (including me), focus on what YOU want, and what will make you the most happy (without harming others at least), and hopefully you can get out of this without hating the fact you were born too much.