Current Events > Ok, guys, I need help with a (married) girl.

(+) Yeah! (+)

You need to set up boundaries. You need to make it clear that you are not the person she needs to be talking to.

And she needs to see a therapist who can help her figure things out and what she needs in her life now.

Cocytus posted...

-Said she would marry me if her husband died

She wants you to off her husband.

Cocytus posted...

Yeah, you're right.

I'm being serious, had a similar experience like you once and trust me, you don't want this kind of drama in your life

-Perpetually refers to a kiss we once shared, and says I stole it

so shes the Anakin in the relationship?

Get away, Rasta. Not worth the effort

Having been in an extremely similar situation, let me just say:

You think (or she says) he knows everything. He doesn't.

You feel she's giving you weird mixed signals. She isn't. She's stuck on you.

She may very well be in love with two men. This is not an impossible thing.

You are very likely not going to be able to talk her out of loving you in the way that she wants to. She would have to be a very strong person to flip that switch.

You may be able to talk to her and she may agree to back off, but you'll have to be incredibly vigilant about that creeping back.

If it does, realize there's nothing you can do to change her mind. At that point it'll be a choice of whether you stay constantly on your guard, give in and suffer the consequences, or lay down the law, which has a serious risk of breaking the friendship entirely.

I ended up with the latter.

Unknown781 posted...

I'm being serious, had a similar experience like you once and trust me, you don't want this kind of drama in your life

I know, me too. I appreciate the advice.

CyricZ posted...

Having been in an extremely similar situation, let me just say:

You think (or she says) he knows everything. He doesn't.

You feel she's giving you weird mixed signals. She isn't. She's stuck on you.

She may very well be in love with two men. This is not an impossible thing.

You are very likely not going to be able to talk her out of loving you in the way that she wants to. She would have to be a very strong person to flip that switch.

You may be able to talk to her and she may agree to back off, but you'll have to be incredibly vigilant about that creeping back.

If it does, realize there's nothing you can do to change her mind. At that point it'll be a choice of whether you stay constantly on your guard, give in and suffer the consequences, or lay down the law, which has a serious risk of breaking the friendship entirely.

I ended up with the latter.

So right, but it's gonna hurt man, the latter. Shit's hurting anyways already really.

Cocytus posted...

So right, but it's gonna hurt man, the latter. Shit's hurting anyways already really.

Yes.

It will hurt.

Bad.

David1988 posted...

-Perpetually refers to a kiss we once shared, and says I stole it

so shes the Anakin in the relationship?

Somehow I feel like I'm getting metoo'd on this one and I don't even know why.

Edit: 'cause she's all like you kissed me and I didn't want to be kissed and I was upset and didn't talk to you for a week.

I'm like, we go back so fucking long, the shit was mutual anyway, and you're sweating me over this one thing that happened a million years ago...?

The kiss thing is interesting. I feel like she is almost trying to guilt you into make a move because you "obviously have a thing for her" so that she can try both partners and can, if necessary, take the heat off herself if she chooses to be with hubby.

Not saying it's a conscious thing either, just that it puts all the pressure and ramifications on you, should you both choose to have an affair.

Don't do that. I don't think you were ever thinking of it, but outside perspective can be so important to just seeing things from every angle

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The kiss thing is interesting. I feel like she is almost trying to guilt you into make a move because you "obviously have a thing for her" so that she can try both partners and can, if necessary, take the heat off herself if she chooses to be with hubby.

For me it was her saying "you can't do wrong by me physically". Plausible deniability of what that entails so I decide rather than her.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

The kiss thing is interesting. I feel like she is almost trying to guilt you into make a move because you "obviously have a thing for her" so that she can try both partners and can, if necessary, take the heat off herself if she chooses to be with hubby.

Not saying it's a conscious thing either, just that it puts all the pressure and ramifications on you, should you both choose to have an affair.

Don't do that. I don't think you were ever thinking of it, but outside perspective can be so important to just seeing things from every angle

Absolutely, thank you.

Is she hot?

is it possible her husband is into cuckoldry and is cool with it?

David1988 posted...

Is she hot?

is it possible her husband is into cuckoldry and is cool with it?

I wondered that. I don't know if I'd be down for that though.

One thing you didnt say where is pretty questionable... what your relationship with the husband? Are you all friends or...? Because that makes a big difference in this interpretation.

IF this is real, it seems pretty obvious whats happening but... if you been "friends" for 30 years, just cut the bullshit games, cut to the chase, speak plain and ask her what the hell is going on? You aint in high school... imagine coming to gamefaqs current events board for advice on your relationship with a friend of 30 years... come on guv

I read everything. I'll give you my thoughts straight: definitely, there are a couple of elements which make your confusion plenty understandable. So no, don't feel bad at all; you're not tripping. If you are, most people would be too.

Now, to me it reads to me like yours is a very good friend, speaking in a manner overall consistent with a close friendship. However, my feeling is that your friend is also in a period of her life in which she's more needy than usual.

Maybe she's having a tough time at home. Maybe she's feeling unappreciated at work. Maybe she's going through a mid-life crisis. In any case, it may be that she's looking for attention, or just self-validation, from a close male friend. Normally, or in my experience, this kind of stuff happens if husband and wife are having a little crisis of their own. Sometimes there's that trusted friend who's more safe haven than all of her other options. The point is: a need for emotional support isn't always tied to attraction. If she's having a problem with her husband, the issue could be patched soon. This type of behavior will then cease, and you'll be left wondering if you missed a cue.

Ultimately, if you have any concerns, having a candid conversation with her is the only way to clarify things. I don't see why she would refuse to elaborate on why she's confiding in you so much. Just mention that you did not use to talk that much recently, and that you'd like to make sure that everything is okay at home. Also that, in case, you'd like to help out. This ought to save appearances; you don't have to be overtly direct, or put her in a tight spot. So, just... probe her, and see where the conversation goes from there. Bonus points because she'd appreciate this regardless of her being into you or not.

Before that, I think it might be good to do a bit of self-analysis too. Ask yourself if A) you're comfortable with giving so much emotional support to just a friend (I mean, 4 hours of your day? Assuming you work 8 and sleep 8, you barely have the time for anything else) and B) if you, in turn, not just searching for validation to some desire you harbor for her. How would you feel if it turned out she suddenly liked you after all these years? How would you feel if she just wanted a whole lot of, appreciated but temporary, emotional support from a friend because life at home is not fun?

But anyway: friend of 30 years, with husband of 17, and two kids? Even if it was mutual attraction, I'd treat it like a phase and let it pass. Unless you think she's the literal woman of your life that you've somehow never dated, it sounds like way, way too much of a hassle for all the parties involved.

It's time.... *poses*

To Texas S M A S H!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

zado19 posted...

what your relationship with the husband?

Don't know him from Adam, except what she tells me and pictures I've seen.

She totally wants you dude, and odd that the husband doesn't care if she calls you for hours on end. I am thinking they are both tired of each other but only STILL together because of the kids.

LowRyder2005 posted...

I read everything. I'll give you my thoughts straight: definitely, there are a couple of elements which make your confusion plenty understandable. So no, don't feel bad at all; you're not tripping. If you are, most people would be too.

Now, to me it reads to me like yours is a very good friend, speaking in a manner overall consistent with a close friendship. However, my feeling is that your friend is also in a period of her life in which she's more needy than usual.

Maybe she's having a tough time at home. Maybe she's feeling unappreciated at work. Maybe she's going through a mid-life crisis. In any case, it may be that she's looking for attention, or just self-validation, from a close male friend. Normally, or in my experience, this kind of stuff happens if husband and wife are having a little crisis of their own. Sometimes there's that trusted friend who's more safe haven than all of her other options. The point is: a need for emotional support isn't always tied to attraction. If she's having a problem with her husband, the issue could be patched soon. This type of behavior will then cease, and you'll be left wondering if you missed a cue.

Ultimately, if you have any concerns, having a candid conversation with her is the only way to clarify things. I don't see why she would refuse to elaborate on why she's confiding in you so much. Just mention that you did not use to talk that much recently, and that you'd like to make sure that everything is okay at home. Also that, in case, you'd like to help out. This ought to save appearances; you don't have to be overtly direct, or put her in a tight spot. So, just... probe her, and see where the conversation goes from there. Bonus points because she'd appreciate this regardless of her being into you or not.

Before that, I think it might be good to do a bit of self-analysis too. Ask yourself if A) you're comfortable with giving so much emotional support to just a friend (I mean, 4 hours of your day? Assuming you work 8 and sleep 8, you barely have the time for anything else) and B) if you, in turn, not just searching for validation to some desire you harbor for her. How would you feel if it turned out she suddenly liked you after all these years? How would you feel if she just wanted a whole lot of, appreciated but temporary, emotional support from a friend because life at home is not fun?

But anyway: friend of 30 years, with husband of 17, and two kids? Even if it was mutual attraction, I'd treat it like a phase and let it pass. Unless you think she's the literal woman of your life that you've somehow never dated, it sounds like way, way too much of a hassle for all the parties involved.

I cannot argue with anything you've said. It's the wise thing my heart ain't trying to hear. Thank you.

ThePWBPoster posted...

odd that the husband doesn't care if she calls you for hours on end

I've been thinking that too, even if he doesn't know every last thing she's said. And if he does know that makes it all even weirder.

BloodMoon7 posted...

It's time.... *poses*

To Texas S M A S H!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

lol

Cocytus posted...

I've been thinking that too, even if he doesn't know every last thing she's said. And if he does know that makes it all even weirder.

In my case her husband was just a very non-confrontational man.

I can almost guarantee in your case that he does not know the extent of what she's said to you.

ive never slept with a married woman but i see it as two stances.

Me personally, if i broke up a marriage id feel awful.

I have a friend who's slept with a few married men when she was single. Her idea was that it was THEIR marriage they stepped out on. They made that decision and she feels no guilt.

So really just fuck her or dont lol

There are a number of things you need to figure out to really determine her motivation here.

Does she like you? If so, for how long? And does her husband know?

Does she have an open marriage? Has she ever reached out to someone from the past like this before?

Where does she see this going? Why now?

Nothing more awkward than eating breakfast at the family table the morning after, with her, the kids and the husband there. Trust me.
However, her husband did make a mean Eggs Benedict.

bro a five hour phone call is not something friends just do platonically

Sounds like she feels so close to you from the long friendship that she's willing to cheat under the right circumstances and is waiting for you to give her the go ahead. The right thing to do is to tell her how you feel and set boundaries. If she doesn't listen and you don't want to be a home wrecker then I would tell the husband after.

TaylorHeinicke posted...

bro a five hour phone call is not something friends just do platonically

I have done that Its normally not an everyday thing, though

I've talked with one of my female friends for a couple of hours a few times, but we only voice chat a couple times a year if that. Most of it's done through text channels. I agree that you need some to set some definite boundaries, because pursuing more than platonic relations with a married woman will create far more drama than I would be comfortable with dealing with.

Cocytus posted...

Don't know him from Adam, except what she tells me and pictures I've seen.

You've known her for 30 years, she's been married for 17 years and you don't even know this guy at all? If you were really FRIEND friends you would have met this guy a long time ago. She's been keeping you as a potential side-piece for just this occasion.

Cocytus posted...

I cannot argue with anything you've said. It's the wise thing my heart ain't trying to hear. Thank you.

It's safe to say we've all been there at some point in love or relationships, no matter how young or old. Mixed signals are a strain on the heart, especially when at least one of the two has a kind one. Regardless of how this experience unfolds, I wish you two the best.

Thanks. Well, I put a lot of stock into what you guys said, and I told her I wasn't down for all this. Mostly she half way tried to defend her self this and that, but more than anything she just said I'm sorry. It broke my heart. I think I was more than frank and maybe sometimes rough, and it hurt like hell, but I broke off lunch plans, hour long calls, pretty much everything I mentioned. It hurt and it felt like it hurt a little harder this morning.
But you guys are right. I can just keep on leaching on, or I can cut the growth, though it hurts, and we'll both be thankful in the long run. I chose short term sadness for long term real happiness for everyone.

And CE, your helped and advice did help keep me straight and get through this. Thanks you.

Im glad this worked out for you with the overall best result

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

Well...

Alrighty then

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

... That is your takeaway from this whole thing? That you don't want a woman that already has kids? C'mon man

Marriage is too risky with the modern person.

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

I mean, damn But whatever, I guess

Cocytus posted...

Thanks. Well, I put a lot of stock into what you guys said, and I told her I wasn't down for all this. Mostly she half way tried to defend her self this and that, but more than anything she just said I'm sorry. It broke my heart. I think I was more than frank and maybe sometimes rough, and it hurt like hell, but I broke off lunch plans, hour long calls, pretty much everything I mentioned. It hurt and it felt like it hurt a little harder this morning.
But you guys are right. I can just keep on leaching on, or I can cut the growth, though it hurts, and we'll both be thankful in the long run. I chose short term sadness for long term real happiness for everyone.

And CE, your helped and advice did help keep me straight and get through this. Thanks you.

That sucks but you made the right call, it's the mature thing to do.

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

However, CE's maturity took an immediate regression to the mean.

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

newsflash. Most of the women you meet will have been fucked by another man lol

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

Whoa, that's some incel bs right there.

This wont end well at all. Shes married with kids. If you have sex with her there will forever be drama with you two. Leave her alone. Unless she has mommy Milkers.

Cobra1010 posted...

I dont know how other people do it but one of the last things i want to be is a motherfucker. Im not raising someone elses kids.

If the kid is an orphan then its a different story, because i would be adopting that kid willingly. But im not getting into a relationship with a woman leading to having to raise another mans child.

It would constantly remind me that the woman im with has been fucked by another man and part of him is right here in the house.

What the fuck?

Cocytus posted...

And CE, your helped and advice did help keep me straight and get through this. Thanks you.

Was lurking this entire time. Glad you had the willpower to make the tough, but right choice.

Did you bone her yet?

Tappor posted...

What the fuck?

Was lurking this entire time. Glad you had the willpower to make the tough, but right choice.

Thank guys. For real.