Current Events > My father is transitioning into palliative end of life care...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Only thing that helps me be more patient with people, who maybe dont deserve it, is remembering how much less time they have left. Plus a lot of people lash out when theyre in pain, fatigued, sick and so on.

I hope that helps, for whatever its worth.

Yeah, I can see that.

And he might be in pain, or whatever, but its the same behavior he exhibited when I was a kid. So its pretty triggering with my PTSD

Crimsoness posted...

My dad was pretty chill before he passed but at the time we didn't know he was going to pass away just that something was severely wrong with him

He could last for awhile awhile yet. They dont have any time frame but they think within a year.

The thing about him complaining about going home is I couldnt spend as much time with him at home because of the smell. they keep him clean there and I can spend hours with him at a time. But its not good enough.

Zanglerfish posted...

He could last for awhile awhile yet. They dont have any time frame but they think within a year.

The thing about him complaining about going home is I couldnt spend as much time with him at home because of the smell. they keep him clean there and I can spend hours with him at a time. But its not good enough.

My dad just stopped being able to walk and went into kidney failure. I think there was more going on but never got a chance to find out what actually caused him to die. He was undergoing dialysis and no one acted like this was an end of life thing.

Ooooooo panic attack and migraine trying to come on... oooooggg

Zanglerfish posted...

And he might be in pain, or whatever, but its the same behavior he exhibited when I was a kid. So its pretty triggering with my PTSD

Yeah, sorry about that. You know your past and current situation better than anyone here, so Im sure youll do what is best for you and your father.

Thanks for sharing here.

Zanglerfish posted...

Ooooooo panic attack and migraine trying to come on... oooooggg

It really is up to you to define how much you time you want to spend, (almost) any answer is okay given the incredible efforts you've done for him so far. And you get to redefine that every day, nothing is set in stone. I can't speak for all of CE but please keep sharing as much as you want to ..

Yeah, I took yesterday off. But I wasnt able to get anything done around the house either.

I forgot it was MLK day so I didnt think about the canteen being closed. Of course my dad wants me to go get White Castle since thats what I got. Which Im fine with but itll take awhile to yet there and back

So he says no. Then he wants something from the local grocery store which will take just as long. He says he wants me to go. So I ask what he wants, that or White Castle and he gets pissy.

Fine. Ill take extra time to go get it then. And because I cant get soda Im leaving early.

So I told my dad I found the 30-30 and told him Jimmy wants it. He said if Jimmy wants it he can ask dad for it.

Oof. Not holding a grudge there old man.

Im also not supposed to tell Jimmy hes supposed to ask. Only to tell him I found it but its not mine to give away.

He has the tv cranked all the way up and my migraine is not enjoying it at all. Its not coming forward but if it gets much worse Ill need to leave and I have to drive to Wisconsin to get prescriptions tonight lol.

Hang in there.
Is there anything you can still do or at least talk about that can be more enjoyable?

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Hang in there.
Is there anything you can still do or at least talk about that can be more enjoyable?

Do you mean with my father or by myself while Im here?

Zanglerfish posted...

Do you mean with my father or by myself while Im here?

Ideally, it would be together.

I dont think someone who is in his condition truly wants to be alone or even should be. You might regret it later also, if you distance yourself now. Clearly you care enough for him to have made it this far. Having said that, let me repeat that I dont really know your situation and only you would know whats best.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Ideally, it would be together.

I dont think someone who is in his condition truly wants to be alone or even should be. You might regret it later also, if you distance yourself now. Clearly you care enough for him to have made it this far. Having said that, let me repeat that I dont really know your situation and only you would know whats best.

We really dont have much in common. Its mostly me sitting there fiddling on my phone while he sleeps, or he gets pissy with me or the nurses or the doctors. And he has the TV at max volume then gets pissy at me because I tell him as such

He lashed out that I had to go get my prescriptions.

Yes, hes lonely, and I understand that... but I really dont want to spend time with the man who used to beat a four year old with a belt for spilling something. And thats the youngest I remember. I have severe memory issues because of the beatings and other abuse from both him and my mother.

And from what Ive been told he full on beat his other kids. One of them had a broken tooth once. Theres a reason one showed up for 2 days and then left as quickly as he could. His two daughters are refusing to come at all, and the last one has been no contact for the past several years.

Im not yelling at ya or anything, just saying theres reasons why I dont like being around him in general, and now that hes slipping into the same behavior from my child hood, its triggering my ptsd and probably set off my migraine yesterday.

As to the regret, I feel neither that nor remorse. Another trauma response... my mothers been dead 5 years now and never felt a shred about that.

Zanglerfish posted...

Im not yelling at ya or anything, just saying theres reasons why I dont like being around him in general, and now that hes slipping into the same behavior from my child hood, its triggering my ptsd and probably set off my migraine yesterday.

Yeah, I feel ya. What you feel is valid.

Believe it or not, I experienced something somewhat similar with an abusive family member. I still harbor some resentment, but I guess we were lucky in that the abuse wasnt the one defining thing about them. They did a lot of great things, helping me and other people at their expense. I could tell even their intentions were mostly always good, but their abusive actions were rooted in ignorance and impatience. Basically, they didnt fully understand how destructive they could be and they came from a generation and environment that normalized it.

This does not excuse what they did, but it did help me eventually make peace with the past. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Yeah, I feel ya. What you feel is valid.

Believe it or not, I experienced something somewhat similar with an abusive family member. I still harbor some resentment, but I guess we were lucky in that the abuse wasnt the one defining thing about them. They did a lot of great things, helping me and other people at their expense. I could tell even their intentions were mostly always good, but their abusive actions were rooted in ignorance and impatience. Basically, they didnt fully understand how destructive they could be and they came from a generation and environment that normalized it.

This does not excuse what they did, but it did help me eventually make peace with the past. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Yeah, theres not much in the way of good times to share about my father. He told me multiple times my mother could only love one person at a time, and he wasnt referring to her only child. He used to talk fondly about being a scout leader, and when I joined the scouts his only real response was annoyance at having to take me to functions. Then acted surprised when I stopped going less than a year later. He didnt like I wasnt exactly athletic. Its not that I didnt like sports, but I just had no real interest in doing them. So when I joined a team, again, annoyance about going to games, which he only showed to a handful, and my mother to not a single one. Then he was irritated my team sucked... lol

On the day I was made to resign from a data entry position (temporary) with the department of revenue due to carpal tunnel syndrome (something my mother had too, and much worse than me), he called me a quitter and forced me to dig post holes in the back yard for the tense.

So yeah, Im not inured to him in the slightest.

Yeah thats gonna cause some fucked up emotions regardless of how things move forwards.

This is coming from not knowing the exact dynamic of your relationship so if it doesnt apply ignore it.

The only advice I can give is if there is any bad blood between now and the end dont let it be from you. You will still be here once hes gone and you need to make sure youre happy with everything you did and said in those last few weeks / months whatever. Tell him you love him and let that be the final thing you say to him. You dont want your final memories being an argument etc.

If you still feel you need to have one final heart to heart / argument etc to get it out your system the go for it but dont let it be the last thing.

Friends of mine dad passed from cancer recently and he hated his dad so much he couldnt even meet up with him but now hes gone he desperately wishes hed have had the courage to try and leave things in good terms. Your future self will thank you even if you dont beleive it now.

SHRlKE posted...

Tell him you love him and let that be the final thing you say to him.

I dont though. I say it but is empty words to me. I did not feel loved or safe as a child, and I was basically used as a money source to help pay my mothers spending addiction once I started working. She literally complained to me one time, when I wasnt working, that she couldnt make more than the minimum payments on her credit cards because I wasnt paying excessive rent.

Rent started out at $100 a month, which was fair, but any excuse to raise it, such as throwing away extra trash one week lead to the rent raised to $200... permanently. She straight up lied and claimed the trash bill never went back down. My dad didnt intervene when my mother grabbed a fist full of my hair to drag me across the room. Well he didnt intervene until I tried to break her fingers.

I have no need or desire to have a heart to heart. He knows what he did and how he treated his children.

Oh yeah, another nice memory. Remember the old saying tell me the truth and I wont be mad? Well, I kind of got busted stealing Magic cards (I wasnt busted but it got back to my dad, semi long story) so he called me down. I remember his saying, and then spent the next two hours being screamed at and he forced me to give him all my magic cards and he threw them away and dumped an ash tray on them. Taught me real quick to not tell the truth anymore. He also then claimed I was no longer able to see a friend of mine because he saw the security tape and that friend was there... except he wasnt. Another friend was but he was only told over the phone it was a brunette boy. So he assumed it was the long haired one. I didnt dare tell him it was my other friend because his parents would have beaten him just for being there. But yeah, lied to my face. The whole yelling at me for stealing was whatever. Deserved and what not... I guess. But the old lie about tell the truth. Lol

Im also not the one starting the arguments. Im merely telling him the truth and if its not exactly what he wants to hear he gets angry and lashes out. Im not going to let him roll over me or yell at me simply because hes dying. He doesnt get that right. And if he doesnt simmer down I will remove myself from the situation

and as I was tying this he just did it again fucking lol. He wants me to stay overnight (ugh) and I tell him I cant because its hospital rules so he always says they let me stay with your mom... yeah, 5 years ago, pre Covid, and she was terminal. This is a different time. Yeah yeah whatever like Im just saying it to not be here, and also, I have to feed my wife and take care of my cats whatever

So I tell him to not give me attitude, why do you keep telling me Im giving you attitude! Because you are. Im simply telling you the truth of the situation you keep telling me bullshit

Do you want me to go home? I dont need to be treated like that and being told Im lying to you and telling you bullshit because you dont like what youre hearing

One time Im not even going to give him a choice to simmer down. I should have this time because now Im having a panic attack and my head already hurts from the 21 gun salute from my grandpas funeral a couple of hours ago

So yeah, hes a nasty old man who really hasnt gotten much better and lashes out because of the consequences of his own actions. Im not going to suffer it.

I appreciate your friends situation but I also dont hate my father either. I dont waste any energy on him when Im not around him. Once hes gone he will not be apart of my day to day thoughts, my mother never was or is. Their constant abuse of me through 20 years until I found a way to move out wrecked my brain so if he doesnt like it thats his fault.

Zanglerfish posted...

I dont though. I say it but is empty words to me. I did not feel loved or safe as a child, and I was basically used as a money source to help pay my mothers spending addiction once I started working. She literally complained to me one time, when I wasnt working, that she couldnt make more than the minimum payments on her credit cards because I wasnt paying excessive rent.

Rent started out at $100 a month, which was fair, but any excuse to raise it, such as throwing away extra trash one week lead to the rent raised to $200... permanently. She straight up lied and claimed the trash bill never went back down. My dad didnt intervene when my mother grabbed a fist full of my hair to drag me across the room. Well he didnt intervene until I tried to break her fingers.

I have no need or desire to have a heart to heart. He knows what he did and how he treated his children.

Oh yeah, another nice memory. Remember the old saying tell me the truth and I wont be mad? Well, I kind of got busted stealing Magic cards (I wasnt busted but it got back to my dad, semi long story) so he called me down. I remember his saying, and then spent the next two hours being screamed at and he forced me to give him all my magic cards and he threw them away and dumped an ash tray on them. Taught me real quick to not tell the truth anymore. He also then claimed I was no longer able to see a friend of mine because he saw the security tape and that friend was there... except he wasnt. Another friend was but he was only told over the phone it was a brunette boy. So he assumed it was the long haired one. I didnt dare tell him it was my other friend because his parents would have beaten him just for being there. But yeah, lied to my face. The whole yelling at me for stealing was whatever. Deserved and what not... I guess. But the old lie about tell the truth. Lol

Im also not the one starting the arguments. Im merely telling him the truth and if its not exactly what he wants to hear he gets angry and lashes out. Im not going to let him roll over me or yell at me simply because hes dying. He doesnt get that right. And if he doesnt simmer down I will remove myself from the situation

and as I was tying this he just did it again fucking lol. He wants me to stay overnight (ugh) and I tell him I cant because its hospital rules so he always says they let me stay with your mom... yeah, 5 years ago, pre Covid, and she was terminal. This is a different time. Yeah yeah whatever like Im just saying it to not be here, and also, I have to feed my wife and take care of my cats whatever

So I tell him to not give me attitude, why do you keep telling me Im giving you attitude! Because you are. Im simply telling you the truth of the situation you keep telling me bullshit

Do you want me to go home? I dont need to be treated like that and being told Im lying to you and telling you bullshit because you dont like what youre hearing

One time Im not even going to give him a choice to simmer down. I should have this time because now Im having a panic attack and my head already hurts from the 21 gun salute from my grandpas funeral a couple of hours ago

So yeah, hes a nasty old man who really hasnt gotten much better and lashes out because of the consequences of his own actions. Im not going to suffer it.

I appreciate your friends situation but I also dont hate my father either. I dont waste any energy on him when Im not around him. Once hes gone he will not be apart of my day to day thoughts, my mother never was or is. Their constant abuse of me through 20 years until I found a way to move out wrecked my brain so if he doesnt like it thats his fault.

So he's in a hospital?

If so, then why are you there?

mybbqrules posted...

So he's in a hospital?

If so, then why are you there?

Why... wouldnt I be?

And yes. Hes been in the hospital for a week and a half.

Zanglerfish posted...

Why... wouldnt I be?

I mistakenly thought you were caring for him yourself at home.

And what I meant was, if he treated you so badly in childhood, why would you be there for him now, especially when he's still treating you badly and triggering PTSD?

Tag

Zanglerfish posted...

I dont though. I say it but is empty words to me. I did not feel loved or safe as a child, and I was basically used as a money source to help pay my mothers spending addiction once I started working. She literally complained to me one time, when I wasnt working, that she couldnt make more than the minimum payments on her credit cards because I wasnt paying excessive rent.

Rent started out at $100 a month, which was fair, but any excuse to raise it, such as throwing away extra trash one week lead to the rent raised to $200... permanently. She straight up lied and claimed the trash bill never went back down. My dad didnt intervene when my mother grabbed a fist full of my hair to drag me across the room. Well he didnt intervene until I tried to break her fingers.

I have no need or desire to have a heart to heart. He knows what he did and how he treated his children.

Oh yeah, another nice memory. Remember the old saying tell me the truth and I wont be mad? Well, I kind of got busted stealing Magic cards (I wasnt busted but it got back to my dad, semi long story) so he called me down. I remember his saying, and then spent the next two hours being screamed at and he forced me to give him all my magic cards and he threw them away and dumped an ash tray on them. Taught me real quick to not tell the truth anymore. He also then claimed I was no longer able to see a friend of mine because he saw the security tape and that friend was there... except he wasnt. Another friend was but he was only told over the phone it was a brunette boy. So he assumed it was the long haired one. I didnt dare tell him it was my other friend because his parents would have beaten him just for being there. But yeah, lied to my face. The whole yelling at me for stealing was whatever. Deserved and what not... I guess. But the old lie about tell the truth. Lol

Im also not the one starting the arguments. Im merely telling him the truth and if its not exactly what he wants to hear he gets angry and lashes out. Im not going to let him roll over me or yell at me simply because hes dying. He doesnt get that right. And if he doesnt simmer down I will remove myself from the situation

and as I was tying this he just did it again fucking lol. He wants me to stay overnight (ugh) and I tell him I cant because its hospital rules so he always says they let me stay with your mom... yeah, 5 years ago, pre Covid, and she was terminal. This is a different time. Yeah yeah whatever like Im just saying it to not be here, and also, I have to feed my wife and take care of my cats whatever

So I tell him to not give me attitude, why do you keep telling me Im giving you attitude! Because you are. Im simply telling you the truth of the situation you keep telling me bullshit

Do you want me to go home? I dont need to be treated like that and being told Im lying to you and telling you bullshit because you dont like what youre hearing

One time Im not even going to give him a choice to simmer down. I should have this time because now Im having a panic attack and my head already hurts from the 21 gun salute from my grandpas funeral a couple of hours ago

So yeah, hes a nasty old man who really hasnt gotten much better and lashes out because of the consequences of his own actions. Im not going to suffer it.

I appreciate your friends situation but I also dont hate my father either. I dont waste any energy on him when Im not around him. Once hes gone he will not be apart of my day to day thoughts, my mother never was or is. Their constant abuse of me through 20 years until I found a way to move out wrecked my brain so if he doesnt like it thats his fault.

you should do it anyway bro its the only way to really leave this shit behind.

Smoke some weed to take the edge off tc.

mybbqrules posted...

I mistakenly thought you were caring for him yourself at home.

And what I meant was, if he treated you so badly in childhood, why would you be there for him now, especially when he's still treating you badly and triggering PTSD?

Because I dont think he should be in pain or mistreated.

I should also say thats why Im willing to leave if he doesnt respect me telling him things. It makes him upset but thats too bad. Telling him the truth doesnt give him the right to get pissy with me, and if he gets too out of pocket I can go home.

SHRlKE posted...

you should do it anyway bro its the only way to really leave this shit behind.

I have no intention of arguing with you about it. If you dont respect my decision thats fine, but thats on you. Youve said your piece.

Sheiky-Baby posted...

Smoke some weed to take the edge off tc.

I cant get the good stuff right now. Its not legal here yet. Edibles are, but every time I talk about that i get suspended.

I was talking to the oldest brother earlier and he said to tell dad he loved him and dads response tell him to get on a plane and get his ass up here

Nice.

Its not for your dad. Its for you.

SHRlKE posted...

Its not for your dad. Its for you.

Clearly youre not respecting my decision so I will not respond to you from here on out. Good day.

Note to self: dont drink a lot of wild Cherry Pepsi zero sugar when you have to put on a Covid mask and walk around a bunch. Those burps fucking melt nostril hair.

Dads not doing great today. But theyve also started giving him haldol to help with the anxiety so he might just be a bit sleepy from that... he hasnt eaten much, but he did the same thing at home. Days at a time he would t eat and then hed be ravenous.

SHRlKE posted...

Its not for your dad. Its for you.

Eh it is CE. People can't take a differing opinion.

McCrispy posted...

Eh it is CE. People can't take a differing opinion.

Wut?

It is almost impossible to change someone's mind on CE, but you can earn blocks if someone disagrees with you hard enough. People love their personal echo chambers here.

McCrispy posted...

It is almost impossible to change someone's mind on CE, but you can earn blocks if someone disagrees with you hard enough. People love their personal echo chambers here.

Okay...? So what are you even pontificating about?

Zanglerfish posted...

Okay...? So what are you even pontificating about?

Perhaps I was wrong to assume you had SHRIKE on block?

McCrispy posted...

Perhaps I was wrong to assume you had SHRIKE on block?

No...? Why would I block him? And why do you think I want an echo chamber when I literally acknowledged what he said, said it wasnt for me, and even acknowledged his friends regrets. Thats not an echo chamber. I told him I wouldnt respond after he did not respect my decision. That in no way means I blocked him.

Just to expound a little bit: Im in no way upset about anyone giving advice, about any aspect of this. Im not necessarily looking for advice, but its fine. Its when Ive stated repeatedly that I have no interest in doing something, and they continue pushing it, theres no reason to respond anymore.

Even my sister in law was commiserating about how dads been acting and she even knows this is just his old behavior coming back up. He wasnt a good father to any of his children. It wasnt even that he wasnt good, he was fully abusive in multiple ways. *shrugs*

McCrispy posted...

Eh it is CE. People can't take a differing opinion.

McCrispy posted...

It is almost impossible to change someone's mind on CE, but you can earn blocks if someone disagrees with you hard enough. People love their personal echo chambers here.

If anything, it's SHRIKE who can't take differing opinions, and it's impossible to change his mind.

I don't even know how he could have read everything that Zangs has said so far and still think he needs some heart to heart with his dad.

Bandit_Keith posted...

I don't even know how he could have read everything that Zangs has said so far and still think he needs some heart to heart with his dad.

It is in fact 100% the wrong advice to give in this situation according to basically every reputable form of grief counseling I know about.

Yeah I probably pushed it a bit too far I can admit when I read the room wrong. Im projecting / reflecting a bit too much in my friend and how much he regrets not leaving things on a good note (at least his end) even though at the time he was adamant he didnt give a shit. He admitted later he knew he was always lying to himself. No one hated someone that much without there being underlying trauma / unresolved feelings but he couldnt just face it.

Everyones story is different and Im sorry for pushing so hard assuming you are in a similar position when I dont know what youve been through. Id just cut ties completely and leave him alone based on what youve said. Sounds like youve endured enough.

Bandit_Keith posted...

If anything, it's SHRIKE who can't take differing opinions, and it's impossible to change his mind.

I don't even know how he could have read everything that Zangs has said so far and still think he needs some heart to heart with his dad.

Yeah you are right I was wrong to push so hard.

Just to clarify though my intention wasnt for TC to try and reconcile or expect his dad to do a complete 180 and stop being a dick over night. I guess it was more to forgive him for all the shit so TC can walk away with a clear heart and move on with life free from the burden of whatever hate etc he still feels. Im not sure if thats any better but wanted to clarify anyway.

Sounds like TC is pretty confident he will move on with no ongoing resentment / unresolved trauma etc so he should do what he thinks is best.

DrizztLink posted...

It is in fact 100% the wrong advice to give in this situation according to basically every reputable form of grief counseling I know about.

This has peeked my interest. Whats the rationale for this? After showing myself up in here Id actually like to see some articles on this to better myself.

SHRlKE posted...

Yeah you are right I was wrong to push so hard.

Just to clarify though my intention wasnt for TC to try and reconcile or expect his dad to do a complete 180 and stop being a dick over night. I guess it was more to forgive him for all the shit so TC can walk away with a clear heart and move on with life free from the burden of whatever hate etc he still feels. Im not sure if thats any better but wanted to clarify anyway.

Sounds like TC is pretty confident he will move on with no ongoing resentment / unresolved trauma etc so he should do what he thinks is best.

Some people just have complicated relationships with their parents. Its not Zangs responsibility to forgive his father, particularly not if he wouldnt be able to be genuine in that forgiveness. Some things cant be forgiven, or cant be forgiven without legitimate contrition from the other person. Hell, sometimes theres just far too much water under the bridge and too much ill-feeling for too long, particularly if the other person refused to admit any form of culpability or guilt.

When my father died, we had a lot of unresolved shit. I wont deny that it bugged me for quite a while, until I realised that outside some magical fairy land of make believe, there was never going to be any real form of reconciliation.

SHRlKE posted...

This has peeked my interest. Whats the rationale for this? After showing myself up in here Id actually like to see some articles on this to better myself.

In essence it ties into the underlying belief that the client is the expert in their own lives.

If you were Zang's therapist and had some long-term indication that reconciliation was possible, then you could consider recommending it.

As it is you're taking someone who is in crisis and you're telling them that their own trauma and experience is irrelevant because you think you know the situation better than they do.

Also small thing: it's "piqued my interest."

DirtyComputer posted...

Some people just have complicated relationships with their parents. Its not Zangs responsibility to forgive his father, particularly not if he wouldnt be able to be genuine in that forgiveness. Some things cant be forgiven, or cant be forgiven without legitimate contrition from the other person. Hell, sometimes theres just far too much water under the bridge and too much ill-feeling for too long, particularly if the other person refused to admit any form of culpability or guilt.

When my father died, we had a lot of unresolved shit. I wont deny that it bugged me for quite a while, until I realised that outside some magical fairy land of make believe, there was never going to be any real form of reconciliation.

Yeah you are right. To clarify it was never a case of reconciliation or making things better for his father. It was more about TC letting it go and me drawing on personal experience to explain why he might want to do that now rather than after his dad passes but as you correctly say (and I did a few posts back) TC knows himself better then we do and its no ones place to push against that. I said my piece and TC is free to do what he wants and he will and that is 100% right.

DrizztLink posted...

In essence it ties into the underlying belief that the client is the expert in their own lives.

If you were Zang's therapist and had some long-term indication that reconciliation was possible, then you could consider recommending it.

As it is you're taking someone who is in crisis and you're telling them that their own trauma and experience is irrelevant because you think you know the situation better than they do.

Also small thing: it's "piqued my interest."

you are spot on.

I think what's going on here is people trying to make a point about there being this split between the relationship, and just seeing a person who lived a life, die. You realize you ran out of time to make sense of that life, no matter what you thought of the person.

But I completely understand TC is coming from a very heavy past. Outside input isn't really going to change this. It completely depends on his dad to come around and change the tone of the situation, From the updates, it's sounding like that's hardly happening.

Just got a call from one of the doctors overseeing his care. Theyre going to try to move him down to the hospice ward because he is not doing well and hes refusing his medications. He was pretty sleepy yesterday and hes pretty out of it today. He has rallied from something like this when he was at home but the doctor says its looking pretty grim.

Zanglerfish posted...

Just got a call from one of the doctors overseeing his care. Theyre going to try to move him down to the hospice ward because he is not doing well and hes refusing his medications. He was pretty sleepy yesterday and hes pretty out of it today. He has rallied from something like this when he was at home but the doctor says its looking pretty grim.

When my dad was entering a difficult stage, he had lactic acidosis and it frequently forced him to sleep/wake. He also was refusing morphine. Nurse quietly doses his water, presumably to keep him from suffering. Otherwise he could still think pretty straight as far as broad memory goes and talk. He even tried getting out of bed.

Personal take (and not a suggestion): that was not a pleasant situation to keep up with. My dad wanted to see my mom again, and visitation rules limited how many people would be in once. If I knew my mom couldn't stay in the room for long, I would have stayed until the end. I couldn't go back because for the past week we were already flexing pretty hard on visitation privileges.

KaZooo posted...

When my dad was entering a difficult stage, he had lactic acidosis and it frequently forced him to sleep/wake. He also was refusing morphine. Nurse quietly doses his water, presumably to keep him from suffering. Otherwise he could still think pretty straight as far as broad memory goes and talk. He even tried getting out of bed.

Personal take (and not a suggestion): that was not a pleasant situation to keep up with. My dad wanted to see my mom again, and visitation rules limited how many people would be in once. If I knew my mom couldn't stay in the room for long, I would have stayed until the end. I couldn't go back because for the past week we were already flexing pretty hard on visitation privileges.

They relaxed his visitation rules yesterday, so hes only limited to 3 at a time and they can relax those a bit too under circumstances. Theres no limit per day. There had been a hard limit of 2 per day total.

Im having a panic attack. He might not go yet and could still rally.

Oh yeah, his younger daughter reached out yesterday. Eldest still hasnt. Daughter 2 wants to come up but she cant. Im going to see if I can FaceTime/zoom with dad for her in a bit.

I just want to say I hold no animosity toward Shrike. He was only saying what he felt was good advice, and really, it can be. Probably most people would benefit from hearing it, and taking it into account for their future. Its just that I literally suffer from neurodivergence from the abuse I went through. My parents really werent good people and pretty dang bad parents. They could have been worse, but that doesnt absolve them of what they did do.

Im in his room now and they just Covid tested him and offered him his meds. He refused the meds. Hes refused food. I dont know how long hell last. One doctor said without food he would probably be gone in a matter of weeks. Or he could go tonight. Hes lucid and understanding of where he is, I think he finally made the decision to stop trying. Which is his right.

Under hospice people can stay as long as they want like hes wanted, but I probably wont do that.

As KaZooo said, he hasnt even asked for absolution or forgiveness. At any time in the past year since Ive been back. Or the past 3 years since I moved back to the Midwest. To me it would mean nothing to accept an apologize or to say I forgive him, as I dont. Also, I dont hate him. If I did I would have told him to go spit when he asked me to help him. So Im just here to help him in his last days, and then to carry out his final wishes.

Hes being moved into his new room in Dignity Lane. Im having a panic attack, mostly anxiety over what happens after hes gone. I mean with the estate. Ive never had to deal with one before. Lol

And I have to figure out how to get rid of that couch...