I feel like insinuating someone is trans is something done way too often on this board, >.<
Excellent point, I appreciate you pointing that out. Its definitely something that has bothered me a lot at times in the past because it lends credence to the already unfair and untrue perception that transitioning is the result of following a trend.
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SHE: In black of night, a die is cast, heavens overflow with stars HER: All is light, all is ash, you must become just as you are
Excellent point, I appreciate you pointing that out. Its definitely something that has bothered me a lot at times in the past because it lends credence to the already unfair and untrue perception that transitioning is the result of following a trend.
Yeah, transitioning is definitely not something you can or should just do on a whim, x.x
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Crown of creation, creation of shame. https://imgur.com/o21DN7r
From what other trans people have said to me, it's sometimes a feeling of constant inexplicable discomfort.
Like, imagine that one day everyone referred to you as the opposite sex or used pronouns or names that did not match the ones you've used your whole life.
It would be disorienting, because they all believe you fit those monikers but they sound completely wrong to you. Almost like the whole world is trying to gaslight you.
Anyway, I don't speak for trans people, so forgive me if this explanation is inaccurate.
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Rainbow Dashing: "it's just star wars" AutumnEspirit: *kissu*
From what other trans people have said to me, it's sometimes a feeling of constant inexplicable discomfort.
Like, imagine that one day everyone referred to you as the opposite sex or used pronouns or names that did not match the ones you've used your whole life.
It would be disorienting, because they all believe you fit those monikers but they sound completely wrong to you. Almost like the whole world is trying to gaslight you.
Anyway, I don't speak for trans people, so forgive me if this explanation is inaccurate.
Youre gonna have to trust me that this is in fact the version where Im not diving too much into my personal background; I had always felt greater kinship to women in my life, and been tormented by the men in my life as a result. Any show of effeminacy was met with vicious reprisals involving both physical and emotional abuse; it did not help that I was both a constant crier and a persistent pants pisser. I didnt like looking at my penis, it looked strange to me, like it belonged on someone elses body.
This feeling worsened in 4th grade after two important events. Having never touched my penis or played with it like most male children, I formed a glandular adhesion despite being circumcised; I was starting to get spontaneous erections and it was immensely painful, so I told my dad and he forced it apart, I was screaming and begging him to stop and he kept telling me to shut the fuck up or hed rip the whole thing off adding, not that theres much to rip and laughing. After this, my brother showed me our moms boyfriends stash of pornography, I can still see this guys penis in my head if I think about it. I cried and told my mom cuz I was afraid of going to hell. My brother and eventual step dad started routinely calling me an f slur and a pussy; saying that Id never have sex and that I was just jealous of the mans penis.
My eventual best friend for 5th through 8th grade was the only other normal persons penis I saw, and his was absolutely enormous, like 9 inches. I remember him saying that mine wasnt that bad and that he was like in the top 1% easily, but I told him that Id rather be a girl than have a penis like mine. His sister showed me her vagina and teased me by saying that her brother said I wanted one of them. She told me she had heard of someone doing that, but she didnt know how. Those two were the first people who didnt regard me with disdain for being effeminate.
Im going to fast forward quite a while, but those are some of the earliest examples where I recognized that my body felt wrong. At some point in my childhood I became extremely obese, and at another point I developed a compulsion where I would grab my breasts whenever I felt anxious. I remember other boys would often say things like, that looks fun or god your tits are huge and shit like that, and like constantly grab them. I have such weirdly mixed feelings about that because on the one hand it made me feel like a colossal gross fat ass and is also a form of harassment, but it also made me feel good that people wanted to grab my tits.
Eventually, I would lose somewhere around 180 pounds, and while I have never reached like single digit percent body fat or anything, my tits would get significantly smaller. My trimmed down body was pretty masculine actually, I thought it was gonna be great cuz I could start having sex with women again. However, when I did, I was envious of them, like I felt like they were in MY spot. I found this thought to be terrifying as well due to internalized homophobia. The trans question had come up numerous times before, and it came up again. I felt ill, I didnt want to be trans. I still dont, I want to be a cis woman.
So February 2021, I started feeling good about trying to express as non-binary and began to incorporate womens clothing items into my wardrobe. I started liking myself more, others started liking me more. I was just absolutely degrading myself with my drinking habit tho, and I gained so much weight back and I was constantly sick and exhausted. I also started having cognitive problems and pretty much felt like I had two lives. There was this fracture and it happened every day at the point I started drinking. I got sober in October 2021, I just quit cold turkey cuz I didnt think I would ever care what happened to me.
After the first week or so, literally every single thought I had was about becoming a woman. As I started to recover from the alcoholisms effect on my physiology, I started to feel more and more comfortable the further I would go expressing myself as a woman. I started buying these black dresses, and whenever Id wear them I couldnt stop smiling, I felt incredibly close to being a woman, I felt so happy. I thought that would be enough forever tbh
Thats when the transphobia began. I had this super weird encounter in late December 2021 with a carrier supervisor who took me into an office and created this fiction about a customer having called to complain after having seen me in a skirt. Im sure that petty calls like that happen to trans people all the time, but this was fiction because they wouldnt provide documentation of the call for the contract holders records and theyre also denying it having occurred last time I mentioned it. So a 45 year old incel is standing there lying to my face saying he agrees that the outfits are out of line and that its not appropriate because its so windy here, wed all just hate to have your skirt fly up and your manhood to pop out, and he also just kept referring to me as a man and using he/him on me and just generally refusing to acknowledge me as a feminine being in any capacity.
That was when I knew that I absolutely hated people seeing me as a man, and I have no choice but to stake my blood and soul to put an end to it using any means necessary.
sounds horrible.
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"It was so ridiculous and I have so many feelings about it." -Virtual Energies