Poll of the Day > My sister in law has ruined their finances.

(+) Yeah! (+)

KogaSteelfang posted...

I suppose so. I guess my mindset is that I gave it to help them out, and if he used it to help catch up his bills then it's still helping him.

Idk, I understand I'm naive and easily taken advantage of though. He's just never been the one doing it before now so maybe I'm just not seeing it the same way.

There's plenty of reason for you to be okay with him keeping it, but he should still have offered to return it once he got the car, or at least asked if you minded if he spent it on other bills.

Ultimately, though, he needs to take back his finances and get rid of her. 100%.

KogaSteelfang posted...

I guess it's the fact that I already assumed I'd never get it back that makes it easier to accept(aside from the fact that I've basically been raised to be taken advantage of). I just had no idea how badly she's mismanaged things. That was an eye opener, so after this it's no more money.

That's fair. As easy as it is to fixate on it and say "you should have done it this way," if you don't mind losing the money, it's not the end of the world that you did. Rather than regretting it, you can (and have) recognize your mistake and what it means for your financial relationship with your brother moving forward. That's good enough.

KogaSteelfang posted...

I can now refuse due to not currently working.

You can always refuse. It's your money. Him being your brother doesn't entitle him to any of it. Not working just gives you a convenient excuse to avoid having to outright say "I don't want to give you money to help pay for your parasitic wife."

adjl posted...

he should still have offered to return it once he got the car, or at least asked if you minded if he spent it on other bills.

Oh absolutely. That was my reaction when my mom told me they were just keep it. "They're not even going to ask? They're going to spend it anyway?" Was what I asked when she told me.

adjl posted...

You can always refuse. It's your money. Him being your brother doesn't entitle him to any of it. Not working just gives you a convenient excuse to avoid having to outright say "I don't want to give you money to help pay for your parasitic wife."

True.

So, today is mom's birthday. Yesterday was SiL's. She messaged wanting to know if we can take her out to dinner this weekend to celebrate her birthday. >_>

That'd be nice and all, but yeesh.

KogaSteelfang posted...

So, today is mom's birthday. Yesterday was SiL's. She messaged wanting to know if we can take her out to dinner this weekend to celebrate her birthday. >_>

That'd be nice and all, but yeesh.

lol

Zangulus posted...

Except it's not. You're giving them both an excuse to not use the money they already make (which is way more than enough for those things) to waste their money and then rely on you and others. You're literally enabling the problem, not helping them with a problem that they can't get around.

He's also spending all his time and emotional energy making excuses for them, which means they'll never have to take responsibility, which means they will continue to make the poor life choices that cause problems for them in the first place because they will never learn from their mistakes.

Or worse, they will learn from their mistakes - and what they'll learn is that they never have to worry about their poor choices because there are multiple doormats in their family that will always bail them out every time.



CharlesBronson posted...

shes either blowing it on phones or crypto not sure which

She's spending it on lube, which she uses when she's with the men she's cheating on her husband with. Which is also why she needs the car - to drive it to see the men she's having affairs with.

If she's as dismissive of her husband as this topic makes her seem, I can't imagine that she respects him enough as a person to stay faithful.

If anything, she might only be with him at all at this point because she knows she's hit the jackpot and can exploit the ever-living hell out of his family whenever she wants some spare cash or a favor.

ParanoidObsessive posted...

She's spending it on lube, which she uses when she's with the men she's cheating on her husband with. Which is also why she needs the car - to drive it to see the men she's having affairs with.

If she's as dismissive of her husband as this topic makes her seem, I can't imagine that she respects him enough as a person to stay faithful.

If anything, she might only be with him at all at this point because she knows she's hit the jackpot and can exploit the ever-living hell out of his family whenever she wants some spare cash or a favor.

Like... I tried to avoid going there b/c even w/o that likelihood, his brother needs to get out of that marriage just for the financial abuse.
But yeah, she's probably cheating. She's got an awful lot of idle time, and he's away for work for so long and surely dead tired when he is there. I'm guessing that driving him into taking ever longer working hours is quite intentional....
The real twist of the knife is that the harder he works and the more he earns, the more she's gonna get awarded in the divorce settlement and alimony. Which will then trap him into continuing to over-work himself, just to maintain his own standard of living above poverty level.

ParanoidObsessive posted...

Or worse, they will learn from their mistakes - and what they'll learn is that they never have to worry about their poor choices because there are multiple doormats in their family that will always bail them out every time.

I think that's what she was expecting to happen. She knows we'll do anything to help them(for his sake, not hers). The thing is, we are not a wealthy family. She knows this, he knows this.

I feel like I set a good boundary by not giving them the amount they asked for. My parents can't, my cousin won't, and I'm not giving them everything they asked for, and from now on I can't either. Now she knows that she can't just ask and get money from us.

My mom asked me why I thought she's not borrowing from her family(because she has nothing to do with us). I said it's because they've probably lent her too much and won't give her anything else. I see how she uses people, I saw it from the day I met her.

streamofthesky posted...

But yeah, she's probably cheating.

While that's certainly a possibility, I don't really get that impression. He goes to to work at like 3am, comes home and sleeps and she stays in bed with him or hangs out at the house till he gets up later. Then for the door dash stuff she likes to ride along with him most of the time. Then when they get home they hang out till it's time for him to work again.

It does sound like a lot of work, but it's 40 hours overtime per month, that's just one extra shift per week. Along with her riding with him for door dash stuff. While he's at work she's either home or at her mom's place.

While she is definitely a lying, manipulative, money hungry user, I don't get the feeling that she'd risk this set up by cheating. She does seem to care about him(or more likely the life he provides). Like most things in life, there's a lot more to it than appears on the surface. At some level, they do love each other.

KogaSteelfang posted...

I feel like I set a good boundary by not giving them the amount they asked for. My parents can't, my cousin won't, and I'm not giving them everything they asked for

The fact that you're giving them anything at all is the problem. And the fact that you're still repeatedly defending it and finding reasons to justify it is why you're trapped in a cycle of abuse and being taken advantage of.

You're saying "Well, I can't give them anything more" now, because you're in a position where you can't afford to. But unless you intend to stay unemployed forever you're going to have to get a new job eventually, which means you'll have money again, which means you'll probably give it to them again when they ask.

Basically, you need to get out of the mindset of trying to make excuses and justifying why it was okay "this one time", and accept that it's a problem that is not going to go away unless you actively start pushing back. Or it's going to keep happening for the rest of your life - and if not them, it will be other people taking advantage of you.

This is the first and only time they've asked for anything. I didn't feel right giving what they asked for, so I offered less. Yes, I still gave it, but that was before I knew the extent of the situation.

I'm not going to be giving them anything more after this. I'm not excusing their actions at all, I'm just saying that I was ok giving them that money, regardless of what they use it for. I mean, obviously I prefer they use it towards a car or their bills, but it's out of my hands at this point.

Lesson is learned, and I was hesitant to give them anything. From now on I'm not giving them money. He needs to take control of his finances himself, and I've done my best to give him options on how he could, but that is also out of my hands.