Current Events > I need a good joke really quickly

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's for tinder

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish

What happened to the GameFAQs moderator when he fell in the river?
He got wet.

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh and a Czech one too.

MrMallard

Well it's not gonna be very quick but I'd still like to hear some banger jokes. I tried watching a bunch of Norm MacDonald jokes for one of the big gutbusting ones but I can't find anything.

Duck goes in to a bar.

Bartender asks the duck what are you drinking?

The duck replies nothing for me.

Ill just have some of these quackers

What's brown and sticky?

a stick

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi.

Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain? Because the kids have to play inside all day.

what did hacksaw jim duggan say to the prostitute after he completed his session?
thank you for a lovely evening.

Man walks into a bar and says "ow!"

A naked blond walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other arm, bartender says I suppose youll be wanting a drink

then you fall through the drop ceiling

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has a giant orange head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having a giant orange head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have a giant orange head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda messed up -- I asked for giant fucking orange head."

"You look ill. You must be suffering from a lack of vitamin ME"

"Hey girl, there's a shopping sale at my house. All clothes are 100% off"

Why do girls like Jesus Christ? Cuz he was hung like this
https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/5/0/6/AAV_o9AAC8HK.jpg

50 Cent's walking down the road with his homie. Suddenly, a really loud car speeds past, blowing out huge clouds of exhaust smoke. So thick that no one can see a thing. When the smoke clears, 50 Cent can't see his friend anywhere. So in a panic, he runs to the nearest house and knocks on the door. An old white man answers the door, and says, in a suspicious-sounding voice, "Uh, yeah, can I help you?" 50 Cent replies, "You've got to help me! Please! I just lost The Game!"

electrochica posted...

Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain? Because the kids have to play inside all day.

Oh shit that's a good one. I went with "my uncle was a prize fighter - he broke both his hands fighting a washing machine he won from The Price is Right", but if she replies this'll be the next one

My love life.

Da-dum-tssh.

DrizztLink posted...

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has a giant orange head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having a giant orange head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have a giant orange head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda messed up -- I asked for giant fucking orange head."

Never gets old.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
Exactly

There's one that I always go 50/50 on, because the subject matter is kind of obscure and it's a very dark joke.

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would save a bag of cocaine from falling off a balcony

Heartomaton posted...

My love life.

Da-dum-tssh.

He wanted something funny not something depressing

https://www.longestjokeintheworld.com/

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, the man sits down and orders a drink. The giraffe falls over, the man finishes his drink and walks out.

The bartender says "Oy, you can't leave that lyin there!"

The man looks at the bartender and says "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."