Current Events > my friend gets mad when I say she hurt my feelings

(+) Yeah! (+)

Which doesn't happen often afaik, but she says it happens a lot? I've looked over chats for the past few weeks and don't see anything besides the one just now...

Why exactly is now the time all my friends are choosing to reveal they aren't a good fit for me lol

I've tried assuaging her repeatedly but she gets pouty. Like I always try to go "it's fine, I got caught off guard and got a little deflated, I just need a sec to shake it off" but then she says "I always say the wrong thing"

To which I go:
You don't always say the wrong thing, plus I wouldn't say asking me that was the "wrong thing" so to speak, I just got caught off guard, it's not like you coulda known how I'd feel. Just give me a minute to shake out of it is all. You're good, seriously

Then she says:
I know but I just innocently ask things and it effects your mood it's a lot of pressure

I'm scrolling thru weeks of chat and I don't see this...I feel like I'd remember it happening before. Idk

After that I told her I felt on guard and was gonna chill for a while. She sent me 5.(or more) messages but deleted them sometime after, and now won't respond

So yea. Idk. I'm confused. Everyone takes boundary-laying so hard. Of course this happens today, capping off the shit week. God I need release lol.

I wonder if massages are worth it. I'm so damn tense

It sounds like you deserve a massage, also any friend whose reaction to hearing that your feelings are hurt is to get angry at you isn't much of a friend at all

Maybe do less texting. Texting leads to missed context and confusing dialogue.

What did she say exactly to hurt your feelings?

Dingydang166 posted...

What did she say exactly to hurt your feelings?

She brought up something I mentioned to her the other day, somethin that happened to me that made me the big sad. I offered to explain it to her that day but she didn't really acknowledge it and the conversation continued elsewhere

She brought it up today (after I had put it out of mind) and I go "aw man why'd you have to ask that >.>"

And she goes "you said you were gonna explain. you never did. that's why. sorry"

And I said "oh we moved past it in the moment so I thought there was no need"

Queue thread

damn that sounds annoying. you should be able to tell her she hurt your feelings without her turning it around so you have to comfort her lol. I was in a relationship with someone like this and it sucked

Probably annoyed that you apparently get your feelings hurt all the time, or the need to constantly remind her she hurt your feelings once.

SSJPurple posted...

Probably annoyed that you apparently get your feelings hurt all the time, or the need to constantly remind her she hurt your feelings once.

When a friend tells me I upset them, I tell them "oh hey, I'm really sorry about that. Thanks for telling me, I'll try to be more mindful. Do you want me to fuck off for a bit?"

I don't get indignant or self pitying. Also, I really don't think I tell my friends I'm upset very often. There's really not a lot that would upset me to the point I'd point it out

SSJPurple posted...

Probably annoyed that you apparently get your feelings hurt all the time, or the need to constantly remind her she hurt your feelings once.

Seriously

like this:

Femputer posted...

And I said "oh we moved past it in the moment so I thought there was no need"

is completely unnecessary tbh, why does she need to be reprimanded or reminded that she didnt acknowledge it?

you couldve cut straight to explaining it or even have explained from the get and then have people decide if youre exhausting instead of doing all of this >_>

RedLuigi posted...

Seriously

I think you guys haven't read the OP, because that's a response that does not follow.

Also, I did ask if she wanted me to explain in the moment. I wasn't just going to vent without asking. I consider that a dick move. She glossed past it, so I moved on in lieu of venting

I explained to her what our mutual actions led me to believe in that moment, because she used my (time conditional) offer of an explanation as ammo, I felt. People typically don't bring up days later things that their friends say upset them, so I felt it unfair to use "you asked if I wanted you to explain" this far out, in this context

thank god I still have a chicken parm hero lol

Femputer posted...

(time conditional)

.Jesus

>_>

Thats not setting boundaries.. thats trying to control people and conversations literally to your exact liking

bump

I didn't read the whole thing.

But people who do this are annoying. They're literally not even giving you a moment of compassion, attention or understanding. They're just immediately trying to put the attention and sympathy back on them and dismissing you completely. Just say something like "I find it hard to cate about how you feel, since you're showing you don't care how I feel". Of course, only if that's true for you too. People who don't give me the time of day are just giving me permission to not care what they got to say either. I still will once in awhile since it's who I am. But I won't stress over not doing it when I'm not in the mood to be attentive

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah. We kind of just gotta take his side since he's the one here. You can only work with the information givin. If he's purposely holding back information then all it does is defeat the purpose of him talking it out here. Since none the responses he gets will work for the full situation. So, he'd just be stepping on his own toes. I'll just give him the benefit of the doubt.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

I didn't read the whole thing.

But people who do this are annoying. They're literally not even giving you a moment of compassion, attention or understanding. They're just immediately trying to put the attention and sympathy back on them and dismissing you completely. Just say something like "I find it hard to cate about how you feel, since you're showing you don't care how I feel". Of course, only if that's true for you too. People who don't give me the time of day are just giving me permission to not care what they got to say either. I still will once in awhile since it's who I am. But I won't stress over not doing it when I'm not in the mood to be attentive

So, I'll admit I'm having a little trouble following. Are you saying that instead of getting annoyed when I voiced i was upset, she should have just said "i dont care"?

Again, apologies if I mistook you - not in a very focused spot at the moment

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I do worry I'm not presenting it adequately. I'm really trying hard to find or think of another time I voiced that something she said upset me. I'm usually pretty in tune to myself, specifically to *not* be that way, which is part of why I was surprised when she said it today.

Femputer posted...

So, I'll admit I'm having a little trouble following. Are you saying that instead of getting annoyed when I voiced i was upset, she should have just said "i dont care"?

Neh. Im saying when she showed she didn't care by making it immediately about her again, you should let her know it's hard for you to care how she feels when she so easily dismisses how you feel. It draws attention to her wanting to only receive compassion and never give compassion

I think very few people would take that sort of bluntness without feeling thoroughly attacked, and then indignantly doubling down

lol i had a friend that started telling me to "stop being a victim" all the time after she would be a complete bitch and do fucked up shit and i'd get upset

it took me forever to realize i was in a really bad one-sided friendship

Yah imma just let this one go and try to be more awares of what I say moving forward

Femputer posted...

I think very few people would take that sort of bluntness without feeling thoroughly attacked, and then indignantly doubling down

Works for me. But you could be right. I'm not trying to have to baby friends tho

I mean tbh it just kind of sounds like you wanted to bring up something serious, she had some sort of reason why she didn't feel like talking about it at the time (could have been busy or tired, she should have probably just been honest about why she glossed over it).

But she wasn't ignoring you and obviously made a note of it and made sure to remember that there was something you wanted to talk about, and made the effort to then reach out to you about it, which imo tells me she is a pretty decent friend. But when she brought it up, you just kind of gave her this weird ass whiney guilt trippy reply. It's fine if you didn't want to talk about it now for some reason (even though you clearly led her to believe that this was something you wanted to talk about, since you originally brought it up in the first place) ,but there are a lot of better ways to say that you don't feel like talking about it.

Interesting perspective, thank you

Out of curiosity TC, did you ever have feelings for this person?

Anteaterking posted...

Out of curiosity TC, did you ever have feelings for this person?

No, but they had feelings for me