Current Events > RIP left leg and hip

(+) Yeah! (+)

Hurting like hell and can barely move. All because shit has to get done around the house and my husband sucks at domestic chores. Like he will try and help where he can but he procrastinates a ton. Hes been great at building the nursery furniture, getting my car cleaned and serviced, fixing his car up, driving me to appointments, taking out all the trash and recycling, cleaning the litter boxes, etc but when it comes to cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing the household, arranging things for baby etc its all still me. Hell say he will help but then disappear to do some other manly task whenever I try to take him up on it.

Our closet for example was filled with piles and piles of laundry that needed to be folded/hung. You couldnt walk in there. I would wash things and Id ask for help folding/putting away and hed say sure but then he just never did it. So I spent all weekend doing it all. He also insisted that he would cook dinner 3
times a week if we subbed to hello fresh. But he will barely do 1 meal while I end up making the rest. Now Im unable to walk at all from overextending myself. Im petite and have an all belly pregnancy that my doc has said has completely shifted my center of gravity and stuff.

I know CE isnt the place to post but I have no one to vent to at all. No family nearby who can come help me with anything. In a pandemic where I cant see anyone. Its been affecting my mental health.

Cleo_II posted...

building the nursery furniture, getting my car cleaned and serviced, fixing his car up, driving me to appointments, taking out all the trash and recycling, cleaning the litter boxes,

one thing that helps with resentment is forcing yourself to define these things as 'domestic chores'

sucks to feel overwhelmed like this though, i get it.

added factor is you see your partner more in this situation so you feel more reminded of the things they didn't do/did so poorly you have to do again.

Cleo_II posted...

Im petite and have an all belly pregnancy that my doc has said has completely shifted my center of gravity and stuff.

you might need to have a talk with him about how your pregnancy is significantly altering your ability to bear your part of the domestic chore distribution in the short term, and that you need him to step up in an across-the-board way

some men are shockingly blind to the physical debilitation pregnancy causes. at least in the short term, you might ask for a chore vacation to recover since you're in physical pain, and i bet he jumps at that as a chance to undo perceived resentment, even if he doesn't follow through in the longer-term of the pregnancy.

sorry you're feeling this way. it's a valid feeling.

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I'm sorry Cleo. That's so rough. :(

Like for crying out loud he knows how preggers you are.

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CyricZ posted...

Like for crying out loud he knows how preggers you are.

tbh, some guys really don't grasp it

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Get a backbrace or musclebelt, pretty sure they make ones for pregnate folk

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That really sucks Cleo but at least he's taking care of a number of other things. I was expecting to read how he's too busy sitting around not accomplishing anything. I'm sure pre-pregnancy, responsibility was eventually divided but he certainly should take on more during these 9 months. I don't even understand the laundry issue considering how simple it is to do.

My wife and I have our set of normal responsibilities but when one is sick or whatever, the responsibilities shift more towards the healthy person.

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Divorce him

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Sorry to hear that, I've heard you say a lot of positive things about your husband so I'm assuming he's a good guy. However this is definitely not the first time you've had an issue with this issue based on previous posts, pretty disappointing that he couldn't even shape up during your pregnancy smh

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Cleo_II posted...

building the nursery furniture, getting my car cleaned and serviced, fixing his car up, driving me to appointments, taking out all the trash and recycling, cleaning the litter boxes, etc

jesus what more do you want

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Cleo_II posted...

organizing the household, arranging things for baby etc its all still me

These are probably always going to be you. I wouldn't know where to start with these kinds of things. My mind doesn't work that way, and your husband's probably doesn't either. I guarantee a lot of the things that you think need to be done, he doesn't see as a problem. My wife surely feels the same way that you do.

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Yeah men are dumb my girlfriend has to point out extremely obvious things to me sometimes because my dumb male brain doesn't recognize them as things

True story
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Sackgurl posted...

tbh, some guys really don't grasp it

Lol he has a very hard time understanding. I get it. He doesnt feel my aches, or a baby kicking around, or the feeling of a huge stomach in the way, my ribs being pushed on etc. When I asked him to start driving me to my OB appointments because Im getting more uncomfortable, his first response was does being pregnant mean you forget to drive? Wanted to throw something at him lol. But he didnt argue more when I explained it.

ZeroX91 posted...

Get a backbrace or musclebelt, pretty sure they make ones for pregnate folk

I have one and I wear it a few hours a day. Wearing it now actually. Took some Tylenol and sitting on a heating pad too

BlazinBlue88 posted...

That really sucks Cleo but at least he's taking care of a number of other things. I was expecting to read how he's too busy sitting around not accomplishing anything. I'm sure pre-pregnancy, responsibility was eventually divided but he certainly should take on more during these 9 months. I don't even understand the laundry issue considering how simple it is to do.

My wife and I have our set of normal responsibilities but when one is sick or whatever, the responsibilities shift more towards the healthy person.

Yeah I appreciate the things he does. Its not like hes lazing around all day. I hate asking for help too. But theyre just things that need to be done and I know it sucks to put some extra effort it to help me but they have to be done at the end of the day. I think on some level he wants to relax as much as possible before the baby gets here too.

BignutzisBack posted...

Sorry to hear that, I've heard you say a lot of positive things about your husband so I'm assuming he's a good guy. However this is definitely not the first time you've had an issue with this issue based on previous posts, pretty disappointing that he couldn't even shape up during your pregnancy smh

Yeah hes a good guy and weve done better overall with things. It doesnt help that he has a military background though and doesnt exactly have the best empathy towards pain. Hes fine too if I dont get to things but the problem is the house becomes a disaster and I want things in a good place before our baby is born. Like being able to walk in my closet and find what I need without a mountain of crap in the way.

Despised posted...

Yeah men are dumb my girlfriend has to point out extremely obvious things to me sometimes because my dumb male brain doesn't recognize them as things

"what dust?"

PatrickMahomes posted...

jesus what more do you want

Help with my chores too. Not asking him to do it all and its only now that my movement is limited. But I had asked him to fold his own clothes and the towels, I would do the rest. He left it all in a pile for weeks instead. Help with cooking because its hard to stand in the kitchen too long. Help with feeding the cats, because bending down is hard and my hips have been hurting for weeks. Our fridge and pantry are a disaster and I need his help cleaning those too but he keeps procrastinating on it when I ask to work on them together. I was always the one to clean things out weekly but with nausea for months I wasnt able to so instead theyre piled with expired crap and you cant find anything anymore.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


EndOfDiscOne posted...

These are probably always going to be you. I wouldn't know where to start with these kinds of things. My mind doesn't work that way, and your husband's probably doesn't either. I guarantee a lot of the things that you think need to be done, he doesn't see as a problem. My wife surely feels the same way that you do.

Yeah I get it. He thinks Im just being anal about stuff. In his mind, none of this is necessary. We can stick baby in a bassinet in our room, we dont need a nursery. He can live in a big mess and be fine. I like things to be clean and organized though. Everything has to have a place or I get very unhappy. I want things in order before our baby is here because then it will be even harder after shes born and were sleep deprived, etc.

Why do girls like military guys so much?
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"cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing the household, arranging things for baby etc its all still me."

That's a huge load which never goes away. It will be worse with kids too, as you'll be the one organising/cooking for/cleaning up after them too. Pregnant or not, you need a fairer division of labour. If he's got a military background he knows how to keep things tidy, clean and organised.

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Cleo_II posted...

But I had asked him to fold his own clothes and the towels, I would do the rest. He left it all in a pile for weeks instead.

If it's out where you see it all the time, you'll always know where it is.

CosmicShadows posted...

Why do girls like military guys so much?

They're usually jacked

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Man, as someone about to get married and hoping to have kids soon, I wanna smack some sense into your husband

But as someone about to get married who struggles with procrastination and doing chores, I also relate

Hope he gets shit done, and hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!

DuranOfForcena posted...

okay and this just pisses me the hell off.

Have him set in the car, behind the wheel. Forcefully shove a basketball into his lap.
He'll get the idea pretty quickly.

From a guys perspective.... I hate cleaning because in a lot of cases I feel like I'm trying to whipe away an invisible stain.

I'm told it's there but I dont see it at all and i went years while i was single not vacuuming the floor or whipeing surfaces a tenth as much as before my fiance moved in. Nothing bad happened.

I hate chores that feel like make-work that didnt need to happen when I was single. I dont mind folding and putting away laundry. I do mind being told I 'folded it wrong'.

Revnir posted...

Tc would have an aneurysm if she watched Cooking with Hoarders lol

Hoarders give me so much anxiety lol. But I grew up in a very messy and unorganized household. It was embarrassing to ever have friends over. My parents never cleaned, it was a nightmare. Every closet, every pantry, the garage, etc was filled to the brink with random stuff. We were that family in the neighborhood. Seeing big messy piles triggers me.

threetimes posted...

"cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing the household, arranging things for baby etc its all still me."

That's a huge load which never goes away. It will be worse with kids too, as you'll be the one organising/cooking for/cleaning up after them too. Pregnant or not, you need a fairer division of labour. If he's got a military background he knows how to keep things tidy, clean and organised.

You would think hed be clean. But hes a hoarder who doesnt like throwing anything away. He turned our dining room into his office during the pandemic and its just piles of papers everywhere and random boxes of wires and shit (hes in IT). Then we turned one of the spare rooms into his office. I had it super nicely decorated, cute couch in there, very neat looking etc. When I walk in there, I see what its become and I get so sad

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Thank you. My man is one of those dudes that cant tell the difference between a good homemade meal and a frozen dinner lol. He looks at food as a necessity for survival and thats it. He can skip dinner and be totally fine, while I become very hangry if I dont eat at a normal schedule.

Atralis posted...

From a guys perspective.... I hate cleaning because in a lot of cases I feel like I'm trying to whipe away an invisible stain.

I'm told it's there but I dont see it at all and i went years while i was single not vacuuming the floor or whipeing surfaces a tenth as much as before my fiance moved in. Nothing bad happened.

I hate chores that feel like make-work that didnt need to happen when I was single. I dont mind folding and putting away laundry. I do mind being told I 'folded it wrong'.

Lol Ive tried not to nit pick at how he does things. They can drive me crazy. He did help fold towels a while back but I hated how he did them and had to force myself not to say anything or redo them. Just said Thanks babe, youre the best and shoved those feelings down. Its amazing how different we can be though

How is it even possible to fold a towel "wrong"? - just toss it in the linen closest as a wadded heap?

My partner sounds like your husband as far as organization and orderliness goes. She was once tried to use a coupon at Kroger that had expired over a year prior. That's how bad she is as going through her stuff and deciding what to keep and throw away

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Atralis posted...

From a guys perspective.... I hate cleaning because in a lot of cases I feel like I'm trying to whipe away an invisible stain.

I'm told it's there but I dont see it at all and i went years while i was single not vacuuming the floor or whipeing surfacesa tenth as much as before my fiance moved in. Nothing bad happened.

I hate chores that feel like make-work that didnt need to happen when I was single. I dont mind folding and putting away laundry. I do mind being told I 'folded it wrong'.

gross

you know bacteria is invisible right

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thronedfire2 posted...

gross

you know bacteria is invisible right

Don't get me started on the shock and horror when she learned that I dont use toilet seat covers.

This reminds me a bit of this blog post:
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Some guys just don't get it until it's too late. I'm not saying to get a divorce or anything, but you shouldn't have to manage the household and tell him what to do all the time just because you're a woman.

I'd sit down with him and try to make a list together of everything that needs done weekly and divide tasks fairly. That way you both know exactly needs done and what's expected of you both.

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Master_Bass posted...

This reminds me a bit of this blog post:
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I like this response from a dude:

The irony for me is that I do 90% of loading the dishwasher and so get to see the flip side of this: to the extent she loads it, she doesnt load it MY way. I like things to be organized in a way that makes it easy to unload it (which I also usually do). But guess what. I recognize that I am not right in this. There is no objectively right way to load a dishwasher. So I recognize this is my concern and I take it on myself to load the dishwasher and, when my wife or son put something in there the wrong way, I move it myself. If I care about it being done a certain way, then its on me, not them.
Its not like men are uniquely unwilling to spend 4 extra seconds doing it their partners way. The first time the new dishwasher was installed and I showed my wife which part of the silverware tray the forks go, and how to put them there, she literally shook her head and said, nope, thats not going to happen.
Rather than extrapolate from this that she doesnt value me, I took it as she doesnt assign the same importance to some things as I do. If I care enough about how I assign value, Ill take care of it myself. She and I are on the same page about the important things at least. Forks in the dishwasher are not important.
This does not stop her from, e.g., feeling oppressed that her son and I dont clean kitchen surfaces to her standards or in her way, though.
In my view this is wrong, but not a hill I choose to die on, either. I do it her way. At the end of the day, it turns out that whichever partner is more assertive gets their way. Im not the more assertive one. So it goes. Its how life works. Life is too short to have dozens of intense conversations (= arguments) about these things, only to have nothing change anyway, or for change to come at the price of resentment.

You could argue that men are childish because they need to be told what to do. But on the other hand, men are more likely to do things that they see as important without complaining about it.

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Despised posted...

Yeah men are dumb my girlfriend has to point out extremely obvious things to me sometimes because my dumb male brain doesn't recognize them as things

True story

Thats me in a nutshell

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do women actually buy this
my big dumb male brain doesn't understand the concept of household chores, so don't blame me for it

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Simp posted...

do women actually buy this
my big dumb male brain doesn't understand the concept of household chores, so don't blame me for it

I dunno, but it's clearly effective if enough people agree with it. Blows my mind

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Simp posted...

do women actually buy this
my big dumb male brain doesn't understand the concept of household chores, so don't blame me for it

I know this is a gimmick, but we all have different things that we see as important and we all have our blind spots.

I had a male roommate who would sweep the floors twice a week, and complained that no one else would do it. Meanwhile he let his dishes pile up in the sink because that didn't bother him. Everyone is different.

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EndOfDiscOne posted...

Meanwhile he let his dishes pile up in the sink because that didn't bother him.

truth time: i'm really bad at that. my preference is the minimal of utensils and pots/pans required. hate having extra's of everything.
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Questionmarktarius posted...

How is it even possible to fold a towel "wrong"? - just toss it in the linen closest as a wadded heap?

Theres a right way where it both looks pretty and is easy to stack/pull out. I like my home to look nice, I cant help it. But I know the aesthetics is my thing so I dont bug my husband about it when he helps.

Balrog0 posted...

My partner sounds like your husband as far as organization and orderliness goes. She was once tried to use a coupon at Kroger that had expired over a year prior. That's how bad she is as going through her stuff and deciding what to keep and throw away

Ha my husband had a bunch of old gift cards he forgot about laying around. Most are expired now. I also went through and started cleaning stuff out and found receipts from like 2010. Like why dude, why.

Master_Bass posted...

This reminds me a bit of this blog post:
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Some guys just don't get it until it's too late. I'm not saying to get a divorce or anything, but you shouldn't have to manage the household and tell him what to do all the time just because you're a woman.

I'd sit down with him and try to make a list together of everything that needs done weekly and divide tasks fairly. That way you both know exactly needs done and what's expected of you both.

I read that blog before. And yeah we had a lot of marital issues a couple of years ago for these reasons. I know its bad but Ive learned to accept he will not change. Ive tried. I accept I will be the one to manage the household. But I also realize he manages other things, like our finances, taxes, IT, fixing things around the house, car maintenance, the yard, etc. Right now our bathroom sink downstairs is not running water right, barely anything comes out. Hes fixing it this weekend. He contributes in his way though Id say I do more because theyre constant things while his chores are more as they come up.

And I actually did sit down with him and made a calendar. I assigned my tasks and his tasks and created a timeline so its not all at once. He agreed to it all but Ive been doing all my tasks are while he doesnt do his and when I ask about them Im nagging or giving him static so I end up doing them too. He just argues that he will get to them on his own time but Im just over the procrastinating.

Simp posted...

do women actually buy this
my big dumb male brain doesn't understand the concept of household chores, so don't blame me for it

Pretty much every married woman I know has a husband thats like this. I think its a generation thing and guys of today might be different. I know that if I ever have a son Im raising him to learn how to cook and clean and take care of himself. My brother never had to do any of it growing up, while it was expected of my sister and I. My husband is Hispanic and grew up in a macho culture too.

Forgot to mention. One of our compromises is that he lets me hire cleaners now. In the past, he wouldnt help with chores and also didnt want to hire any help. Just expected me to do it all. Were both high earners and could afford it, he just didnt like the idea.

Eventually he became open to it so we had cleaners once a month. When I got pregnant, we changed it to every two weeks. So at least the deep cleaning, scrubbing, vacuuming, etc is taken care of. I do all the maintenance stuff.

PatrickMahomes posted...

They're usually jacked

No they aren't.

But the uniform looks good and they have a more stable income than most.

And, unless he's a shitbag, it usually at least suggests other positive qualities.

Cleo_II posted...

I read that blog before. And yeah we had a lot of marital issues a couple of years ago for these reasons. I know its bad but Ive learned to accept he will not change. Ive tried. I accept I will be the one to manage the household. But I also realize he manages other things, like our finances, taxes, IT, fixing things around the house, car maintenance, the yard, etc. Right now our bathroom sink downstairs is not running water right, barely anything comes out. Hes fixing it this weekend. He contributes in his way though Id say I do more because theyre constant things while his chores are more as they come up.

have you tried making a gratitude journal?

this worked exceptionally for my partner and I. we changed up the usual system and fill out opposite pages of the same journal so we can always see what the other has written

it's like an invisible repair attempt after we argue

Cleo_II posted...

I do all the maintenance stuff.

and i bet he thinks there's no need for you to do any of that because "the deep cleaning would get it eventually"

the post some ways up suggesting guys with a military background "know how to clean" definitely missed the mark big time- the one thing you do not want to be to your husband is drill sergeant.

all ex-military men i've known have been slobs who loathed the cleanliness standards they were arbitrarily subjected to; the obligation to clean for no psychological benefit to them was a personal pet peeve.

i expect the more a task is framed as things you need to feel happy/comfortable through your pregnancy, the more willing he will be to do it

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Sackgurl posted...

tbh, some guys really don't grasp it

It's ingrained to us as children, give the pregnant woman what she wants above all else.

We may not grasp all the difficulties, but we're trained to know we have to do more the closer the due date gets.

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Esrac posted...

No they aren't.

But the uniform looks good and they have a more stable income than most.

And, unless he's a shitbag, it usually at least suggests other positive qualities.

Cant say I was ever into military men or sought them out. When I met him, he was already out for a while. I do appreciate that hes overall very disciplined and dependable. But his background also makes him less empathetic to me. Especially since he was a Ranger in the Army and I cant complain about anything without hearing about what he went through. Like if I complain my feet are swollen and hurting then I have to hear about all the miles he marched in the desert with 100 lb rucksack til his feet were bloody blah blah blah. Or that now I have to pee every hour and he tells me I dont know what needing to pee is like if I didnt parachute from a plane with a full bladder blah blah blah. Or if I complain about being hungry its how he survived on MREs yada yada

Sackgurl posted...

have you tried making a gratitude journal?

this worked exceptionally for my partner and I. we changed up the usual system and fill out opposite pages of the same journal so we can always see what the other has written

it's like an invisible repair attempt after we argue

and i bet he thinks there's no need for you to do any of that because "the deep cleaning would get it eventually"

the post some ways up suggesting guys with a military background "know how to clean" definitely missed the mark big time- the one thing you do not want to be to your husband is drill sergeant.

all ex-military men i've known have been slobs who loathed the cleanliness standards they were arbitrarily subjected to; the obligation to clean for no psychological benefit to them was a personal pet peeve.

i expect the more a task is framed as things you need to feel happy/comfortable through your pregnancy, the more willing he will be to do it

I havent made a journal but I do try and write down positive feelings and what I love about him and I try to tell him I appreciate him often too. So Im not just a nag or in a negative space all the time.

And yeah it helps if I frame things in a way he understands. Like the driving to my OB conversation. Had to explain that I could drive but why its helpful to me if he could do it as I get bigger, big belly in the way, baby kicks at my ribs the whole time, Im sleep deprived and worry about my reaction time to stuff. But it gets exhausting to have to constantly explain everything and to him if its not important to him then it doesnt matter. Like the nursery is for myself according to him. Hell help putting stuff up but drags his feet a lot or rolls his eyes.

SevenTenths posted...

It's ingrained to us as children, give the pregnant woman what she wants above all else.

We may not grasp all the difficulties, but we're trained to know we have to do more the closer the due date gets.

Yeah my husband must have missed this training. Probably because he grew up with 4 younger brothers.

Aeriis posted...

I'm so sorry, Cleo :( I can't even imagine. I feel like when you're that pregnant, you shouldn't have to do *anything*. That's just how I see it...

Thanks girl. I mean, I dont have to do anything I guess but theyre things I see as being necessary while he doesnt lol. I just cant sit and see everything pile up and not do anything.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yeah Ive always done it every weekend and its super manageable. But then I couldnt. And he just, didnt. So it piled up to some craziness.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yeah hes pretty traditional. Which are also some qualities I like about him so I try to understand he brings other stuff to the table. He actually never got upset about my income I think he was hard on himself not progressing career wise and got into a rut. But once he found a new job, even though I still made more money he was much happier. Now hes doing so well and gets tons of overtime, we make the same. Hes also never been someone to whine about why theres no dinner or why the house isnt clean. He just doesnt see those things as important as I do or hold the same standards I do. Normally not an issue but as Im in my third trimester and cant keep the same standards that make me happy I find myself relying on him to do them and just get frustrated.

Tonight was a good example of why I lose my shit sometimes. After I posted this topic I got news my uncle passed away. I wasnt that close to him but I spent hours consoling my mom and aunt on the phone so I didnt eat anything for lunch. And Im still in pain.

Around 3:55 I asked my husband to help me make one of the meal kits. He says sure, he has a call at 4 though for work and it will be 20 minutes. Its nothing super pressing, can easily be had tomorrow. But whatever. I tell him Ill start things then. He doesnt come down until 4:45 and Ive already done 90% of it. Then wonders why Im fuming at him. He jumps to help and finish it but he doesnt understand why Im mad and why I couldnt just wait. Cause Im hungry?? Its not a concept he understands as someone who can go without eating all day.