Current Events > Do you have a family member you just have to watch self destruct?

(+) Yeah! (+)

For me its my little sister. A few years younger. But impulsive and stubborn. She spends her money on shit she cant afford then later is incredibly depressed at the consequences. While also married to a bum who hasnt worked in almost two years because they think he will make it in the music industry. Only he sleeps every day until noon, gets the occasional gig for a commercial jingle, but wont do anything to gain a social media presence, perform anywhere (even prior to covid), and refuses to work any side jobs. Ive tried telling her he needs to start working because the employment gap will look terrible on his resume. Ive suggested some low skill, entry stuff but she says she wants a husband with a real career.

She wants a big beautiful house with a huge yard, travel to exotic places, a family, etc. Wont accept anything less even if its not in her budget. I can show her a ton of cute homes in her range but theyre not exactly what she wants so she turns them all down. Then cries that she cant find anything and cant afford much (shes looking at massive houses with 4-5 bedrooms, fully renovated with giant yards, 10-20k sqft of land, etc). I hate seeing her so sad but omg she doesnt listen to any shred of reason from anyone. Its to the point that our family can all sense shes incredibly depressed, shes always sad and talks about how much she wants these things, but wont settle her expectations at all. Her husband doesnt pull his weight either and is a doormat who waits for her to make all the decisions.

A few months before covid, they spent about 10k on an exotic trip while he had no job and they had just cleared their credit card debt after years of paying it off (debt from bad spending habits). She kept telling me she needed this trip. I just warned her it was imprudent and that she might want to use that money later for a house. She kept telling me she didnt need material things like houses, and they arent like other people, bla blah. She needed experiences. Now shes crying about not having the big house everyone else she knows has. Then she recently got a new job that got her to six figures and went on a furniture splurge, buying things that dont fit in their current apartment, because its for their future house. Instead of saving more money to actually buy a house first... If anyone points out that she doesnt listen or how she keeps making bad decisions, she just gets angry at them or gets more depressed. So we all just stopped saying anything. These days her depression is worse than ever. Shes seeing a therapist thankfully. But I hate seeing her so sad and also be completely helpless.

tl;dr

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Yeah, got a nephew with hep c and still doing heroin

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I don't doubt that you've had sister sister talks but err.. you ever tell her exactly this? >_>

Maybe chip at the whole 'not working for something' thing by telling her renovated giant yards artificially inflate the price and she'd make quicker money renovating it herself or tell her to watch Evangelion or something

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Its sad to see a family member in that much emotional distress.

Do really think she is that close to self destructing if she has a six figure job or are you just worried?

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R1masher posted...

Yeah, got a nephew with hep c and still doing heroin

Im sorry. I feel like watching loved ones struggle with drug addiction must be one of the worst things out there. Im thankful that no one in my immediate family has to battle those demons (though I suspect my mother has a gambling problem shes hiding but thats another story)

RedJackson posted...

I don't doubt that you've had sister sister talks but err.. you ever tell her exactly this? >_>

Maybe chip at the whole 'not working for something' thing by telling her renovated giant yards artificially inflate the price and she'd make quicker money renovating it herself or tell her to watch Evangelion or something

Lol. Yeah Ive told her that huge yards mean more maintenance expenses and that they can always get something with 80% of what they want and renovate later. Ive pointed to how our home wasnt fully renovated when we bought it and have a tiny yard, but at least its been going up in value and we are slowly working at things. She doesnt really listen and sticks to looking at houses that have everything. She recently made an offer on a home $45k over what shes qualified for (with the intention to borrow the money from his parents) and was sad she didnt get it against other offers. The house had 5 bedrooms, fully renovated, on 10k sqft property. They are two people and a dog lol

my dad unfortunately. he makes the worst financial and life decisions of any person I know. hard headed and sneaky, will not tell you how bad the situation is until he's drowning in it. it's a shame, but there isn't anything you can do but just hope he can get thru it.

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Alteres posted...

Its sad to see a family member in that much emotional distress.

Do really think she is that close to self destructing if she has a six figure job or are you just worried?

Shes been incredibly depressed. There are times where I know shes withdrawn and crying so I call and try and cheer her up. Her husband will separately text me thanking me for it and tells me shes having a rough time.

She makes good money but has really bad spending habits and expectations. Shes also sole earner. I think part of it is looking at my parents. My dad was making bank in his 40s-50s but also had horrible spending habits. No one knows where all the money went, and now both my parents are broke, borrowing money from people all the time and have 0 retirement. Both are depressed and miserable. My brother and I have incredible fear of ever turning into them so were very conservative with our money, while I think my sister is more like my dad so it worries us.

Cousins.

One in particular may as well have walked off the cast of Rent with the way she thinks her art trumps any life responsibilities.

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I am that family member / friend.

I'm actively drinking myself to an early grave and I don't really care.
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a-c-a-b posted...

I am that family member / friend.

Same. I predict I die before any of my siblings even though I'm not the oldest

Lots of people are like this. They make tons of irresponsible decisions, and then blames everyone but themselves when those decisions come back to bite them in the ass.

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Wait, dude hasn't worked in 2 years? And she is broke but paid off her debt and the. Immediately took a 10k trip?

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Good that she's seeing a therapist, sounds like she has some soul-searching to do

Is her husband otherwise someone supportive and loving?

As far as the topic title, most of my family on my dad's side has been ravaged by alcoholism. I have one cousin who was quite bad, but last I saw he got married and now has a few kids. Not sure if he's turned things around but I hope so; I was thinking of getting in touch and maybe visiting him since I've been out of the country for a while. His younger brother died some years back in his 20s but he was also into other substances.

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My mom was like this. Would spend thousands of dollars on clothes yet when it came to school funds she was always so hesitant to spend a dime.

Luckily I was born with a dad that worked hard and loved all of his children more than he loved himself.

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My parents for my whole entire life. They're drug addicts. I can remember distinctly when I realized they weren't capable of making good decisions, I think I was about 5 or 6.

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a-c-a-b posted...

I am that family member / friend.

I'm actively drinking myself to an early grave and I don't really care.

Zikten posted...

Same. I predict I die before any of my siblings even though I'm not the oldest

On this day, Janurary 31st of the year 2021, I gift you the honorary LATINO CARD - by way of that, we are now officially recognized as cousins until the day we die

As your brand new latino cousin - I'd encourage you guys to only stick with the herb of the world (thyme, rosemary, etc) and live free

We can discuss how I'll send this ration of plantains and Ducal refried beans over in due time


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BuckVanHammer posted...

my dad unfortunately. he makes the worst financial and life decisions of any person I know. hard headed and sneaky, will not tell you how bad the situation is until he's drowning in it. it's a shame, but there isn't anything you can do but just hope he can get thru it.

Yeah my sister can be sneaky too. She wont share everything or wont tell you when a bad decision she makes later blows up in her face. There was a situation where her husband was doing free work for someone with the promise of a job. Was ongoing for months. I kept telling her it was shady and he was being naive, and she kept getting angry at me. Later found out he never got the job he was promised but only much later and not by her directly.

CyricZ posted...

Cousins.

One in particular may as well have walked off the cast of Rent with the way she thinks her art trumps any life responsibilities.

Ha yeah thats like her husband with his music

a-c-a-b posted...

I am that family member / friend.

I'm actively drinking myself to an early grave and I don't really care.

Zikten posted...

Same. I predict I die before any of my siblings even though I'm not the oldest

Im sorry youre both in such dark places. I hope things turn around for you some day.

_MorningStar posted...

Wait, dude hasn't worked in 2 years? And she is broke but paid off her debt and the. Immediately took a 10k trip?

Yup. Right after she paid off over 20k of cc debt instead of saving anything

InYourWalls1 posted...

Good that she's seeing a therapist, sounds like she has some soul-searching to do

Is her husband otherwise someone supportive and loving?

As far as the topic title, most of my family on my dad's side has been ravaged by alcoholism. I have one cousin who was quite bad, but last I saw he got married and now has a few kids. Not sure if he's turned things around but I hope so; I was thinking of getting in touch and maybe visiting him since I've been out of the country for a while. His younger brother died some years back in his 20s but he was also into other substances.

Her husband is very loving and supportive, just lazy and kind of clueless with life stuff. Almost to a fault because he never pushes back on any of these decisions. Very nice guy but can be a pushover. I think its what she likes because she cant take anyone telling her something is a bad idea or even saying no to anything she asks.

Im so sorry about your cousins. I hope that one has turned things around. Its very possible. My husbands brother had a bad heroin addiction but hes clean now, married, with a family, bought a home and really turned things around. Im sure your cousin would appreciate you reaching out.

Yeah my cousin is a Graveler. Any time a trainer comes up to battle him the first move he always uses is Self Destruct.

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ChrisTaka posted...

My mom was like this. Would spend thousands of dollars on clothes yet when it came to school funds she was always so hesitant to spend a dime.

Luckily I was born with a dad that worked hard and loved all of his children more than he loved himself.

Thats good that you had at least one responsible parent. My parents are both big spenders. My mom also had a bad gambling problem. I suspect shes up to it again too. Now they are divorced but both live off what little they get from the government and have family members helping them financially.

Balrog0 posted...

My parents for my whole entire life. They're drug addicts. I can remember distinctly when I realized they weren't capable of making good decisions, I think I was about 5 or 6.

Its so hard on children when they have to grow up so quickly because of their parents. My husband also had a drug addict mom as a child and had to be the parent to the siblings. She got clean eventually though, thankfully. Are you still in contact with them?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Ugh cigarettes are nasty. My mom had a bad addiction too. As a teen Id just guilt trip her endlessly about how she was going to give me cancer and I hope she doesnt feel too bad when Im getting chemo and losing my hair. It actually made her quit eventually. She still talks about how my descriptions of horrible scenarios kept eating away at her.

I have a cousin who has a kid with a new random dude every couple years, then he abuses her, leaves, and she finds someone else just like him.

It's pretty sad.

But you'd think she'd learn her lesson by now.

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