Current Events > A thread got me thinking about my parents who separated nearly 20 years ago

(+) Yeah! (+)

I decided to post it here instead of derailing that thread.

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As a kid I bought into a lot of deadbeat dad shit, because my dad hit my mum and moved out when I was 6 or 7. There was a big focus against violence against women at the time, and due to a lot of that influence I harboured a grudge against my dad for what he did. And rightfully so - that's a shitty thing to do.

But years later, I was talking to my mum while she was drinking, and she said that at the time she was giving my dad a hard time. Their relationship was on the rocks, and she said some really vindictive shit that she regrets - putting him down and stuff. And a couple years after that, I was seeing my dad and he was remorseful over what had happened, saying that my mum had been making some pointed comments that got on his last nerve for ages - after making similar snipes and jabs at him over the span of months, after he came back to her for the sake of me and my sister - and after he had been drinking one night, the anger just boiled over and he hit her while she was in bed. It was an occurrence that be wasn't proud of, and despite factors that might have led to that moment, he acknowledged that it was the wrong thing to do and he wasn't proud of it.

I think my mum was right for kicking him out and leaving him after he hit her, but I acknowledge that their relationship wasn't healthy between either of them - with nastiness from both of my parents levelled at each other - and while the culmination of that relationship was an act of violence from my dad, I think he was a man pushed to his limits by a relationship that neither of my parents were equipped to be in, and ultimately he made an extraordinarily shitty mistake which A) he regrets doing, B) my mother has forgiven him for, and C) he has never repeated. It still happened, and I'm not trying to be an apologist for domestic violence, as much as I'm trying to understand it in the wider context of the relationship that my parents had.

I don't believe in absolutes any more, whether it be Will Smith's on-screen dad being a slimy, conniving shithead trying to weasel into his son's life after abandoning him, or some saccharine stereotype of a parent whose marriage is on the rocks like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Sometimes dads are shitty, selfish people. Sometimes they're well-meaning people who are pushed over the edge. Either stereotype can reflect reality, and a fuckton of parental relationships are a lot worse than that even. But usually, there are elements of both mixed in, and there are elements of nuance in some relationships that deserve to be brought to light and evaluated in the bigger picture of a relationship.

Personally, despite the shitty things my dad has done, I love him. I love my mum too, despite her alcoholism and what I perceive to be a continuing cycle of emotionally fraught relationships. I don't condone what my dad did, but seeing as my mum has thought back on that occurrence and forgiven him to a point - at least to the point of dissuading me or my sister from holding resentment against him as we grew up, and to the point where she had a good chat with him at my sister's wedding this last February - I feel comfortable admitting that in the face of what I know now, I forgive him for what happened. He's not perfect, he's said some stupid shit that I've vocally disagreed with, but at heart I think he's a good man and I love him.

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This is a really well thought out and balanced post. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but applaud you for being able to look for the the larger reasons/factors of what happened.

Ruvan22 posted...

This is a really well thought out and balanced post. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but applaud you for being able to look for the the larger reasons/factors of what happened.

I mean, it's been at least 19 years since my dad left. I don't know exactly when this happened, but I remember my dad's reaction to 9/11 so I know it was after that.

I've dealt with a lot of shit that's arguably more traumatic than what I described in this thread, and I've actually been able to get closure on it so I consider myself to be pretty lucky. I appreciate the sentiment though, thanks for posting.

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