Current Events > Oh shit. My fiancés parents want us to adopt her niece...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Fiances sister is spiraling really bad. She's been homeless for like 4 months, and probably the worst point of her addiction. It's been like 10 years now, and they think she's gonna die.

She has 3 kids. Her oldest lives with her dad. Fiancs parents want us to consider adopting the youngest, (3). And then Fiancs brother and wife would adopt the middle child.

Not like we volunteered or anything, but they want us to think about it. I know it would be a gigantic life style changer, and not something I'm taking lightly/trying to rush into.

Were homeowners. 29 and 26. Both work full time, but she makes more.

Fiance isnt sure if she can have kids of her own, which also probably plays a factor.

---

I don't necessarily know much about this sort of thing, but I think you should do it tbh.

---

Fiance is a guy, fiancee is a woman.

---

Best way out is to get fiancee pregnant. Then be like sorry no money

Financial situation?
Job security?
Potty trained?

At the very least you'd start off past the sleepless nights phase. <_<

---

You probably know exactly what to expect. You also know you cant half-ass it

Parenting is fun and rewarding. You'll also want to die

---

Unsugarized_Foo posted...

You probably know exactly what to expect. You also know you cant half-ass it

Parenting is fun and rewarding. You'll also want to die

Run while you can

---

Hexenherz posted...

Fiance is a guy, fiancee is a woman.

I don't think that is relevant in the subject matter here

---

R1masher posted...

Run while you can

This.

---

What happens to the kid if you guys can't do it?
---

Dark_SilverX posted...

This.

Also, how old?

---

And the dad can't take any of the others? If you're ready for the responsibility it seems good to do. But you'd also lose out a bit on being single newlyweds, if that matters to you. Man, would probably be an easier decision if this came up like 3 years into your marriage
---

Dad is an addict as well. And her parents are in their sixties, and arent well off financially.

We arent rich, but far from struggling.

---

Captain_Qwark posted...

Statistically isn't the kid more likely to also turn into a junkie and be like her mom even if you raise her properly?

At age 3 I'm pretty sure they haven't been tainted too badly but not being with biological parents anymore may contribute

---

You should do it. She's at the age where you don't have to do the baby stuff anymore and that'll be easier on you imo. May be one of the best things you've ever done

---

Do you give a damn about the brat or what they'll end up as? If so then you might do it not don't even bother

---

onedarksoul posted...

Also, how old?

How old is what?

---

lww99 posted...

We arent rich, but far from struggling.

I say do it.

---

Captain_Qwark posted...

Statistically isn't the kid more likely to also turn into a junkie and be like her mom even if you raise her properly?

She's got a 50/50 shot of having the addiction genetics, but that doesn't determine the outcome. Also if a.chikd has atleast one active and sane parent, the odds of the child growing up to be similar is high. She'll be young enough to be fine at this point honestly...unless some serious serious shit has already went down


---

What happens to the kid if you dont?

---

I know its the right thing to do, just want to make sure Im ready.


---

Jiggy101011 posted...

What happens to the kid if you dont?

I guess stay with the grandparents. But they cant really afford it

Or maybe fiancs brother. I dont see the family letting her go to CPS

---

lww99 posted...

I know its the right thing to do, just want to make sure Im ready.

I have a 9 month old daughter right now. There's no such thing as being ready. You get a kid and you figure it out as you go along with your partner. You change as a person and it's something you can't really go back on. It's stressful and chaotic and yet it's the best and most rewarding this I've ever done.

What does your fiancee think? What do you want? Do you want kids of your own?

It would be an incredible thing for you both to do and overall pretty selfless which is what you really need to be as a parent. But it's also a big expectation for someone else to put on you. Have you met the girl?

---

When do you actually plan to get married?

Because until you have formally been married, you shouldn't consider adopting the child. If it needs to happen now. It would have to be her adopting and then you taking custody upon being married.

---

She wants to. I want kids, it just all feels very sudden I guess.

Agreed about the marriage part, we dont have any plans set yet

---

lww99 posted...

I know its the right thing to do, just want to make sure Im ready.

You say this, but this is most parents. Or they think they were ready and then they get overwhelmed and then proceed to their best regardless.

Basically, what Darmik said.
---

3yo? that's skipping the worst years...

i suppose the important question is if you feel like you can bond with the kid. sounds like you can, and it sounds like your lives are stable enough for a kid, and it sounds lke you guys want one.

---

Make sure youre ready to deal with her bio parents as well

Nothing guarantees that theyll stay out of the picture

---

Alpha218 posted...

Make sure youre ready to deal with her bio parents as well

Nothing guarantees that theyll stay out of the picture

that's a fun point. decade down the line the mother might stabalize and start demanding 'her daughter' back.

---

monkmith posted...

that's a fun point. decade down the line the mother might stabalize and start demanding 'her daughter' back.

that was something I brought up to her.

if we do this, under no circumstances will her sister get custody again.

idc if she gets sober for 12 years, that would mess the kid up so bad.

Id rather a clean split, but no doubt it has some drama.

---

lww99 posted...

that was something I brought up to her.

if we do this, under no circumstances will her sister get custody again.

idc if she gets sober for 12 years, that would mess the kid up so bad.

Id rather a clean split, but no doubt it has some drama.

problem is you're going to have to jump through legal hoops to actually block that, and depending on the state it might not even be possible. contact an adoption lawyer (its depressing this is a thing) and find out what protections you need to set up.

---

monkmith posted...

problem is you're going to have to jump through legal hoops to actually block that, and depending on the state it might not even be possible. contact an adoption lawyer (its depressing this is a thing) and find out what protections you need to set up.

like cps visiting our house, or something else?
i kinda expected it for the first year.


---

inloveanddeath0 posted...

I don't think that is relevant in the subject matter here

it's relevant. proper grammar is the right thing on CE. we'll get yelled at for it if we pronounce it wrong.
---

lww99 posted...

like cps visiting our house, or something else?
i kinda expected it for the first year.

maybe, i'm not sure how it would be handled if the kid isn't first taken into protective custody from the mother. she still has the kids right?

the problem is that in some states natural born parents have the right to demand their kids back when their situations stabilize. i'm not sure what you can do to prevent that a decade down the line when the kid has grown up with you and is essentially your kid, which is why you probably need to talk to a lawyer about it.

---

monkmith posted...

maybe, i'm not sure how it would be handled if the kid isn't first taken into protective custody from the mother. she still has the kids right?

the problem is that in some states natural born parents have the right to demand their kids back when their situations stabilize. i'm not sure what you can do to prevent that a decade down the line when the kid has grown up with you and is essentially your kid, which is why you probably need to talk to a lawyer about it.

fiances parents have custody through the court right now. Sister isnt even legally allowed to visit


---

I say do it, because it's the right thing to do for that little girl.

---

lww99 posted...

fiances parents have custody through the court right now. Sister isnt even legally allowed to visit

that's probably good then, since she's already lost the kids legally. i think an important question to ask is if they were taken by the state or if she relinquished them herself.

---

monkmith posted...

that's probably good then, since she's already lost the kids legally. i think an important question to ask is if they were taken by the state or if she relinquished them herself.

I think the court/state forced it. Thankfully the grandparents stepped up, and offered to take custody. Otherwise she may have ended up in the system.

---

lww99 posted...

I think the court/state forced it. Thankfully the grandparents stepped up, and offered to take custody. Otherwise she may have ended up in the system.

i'm gonna suggest you contact a lawyer again, because i'm reasonably sure that means the birth mother has the right to petition to retake custody. even if she isn't likely to succeed it would likely lead to fun times in court, and there might be some way to prevent that outcome. maybe a contract of written consent to relinquish her parental rights to you and your fiance?

problem is i really dont know, i've seen some nasty custody battles in my extended family and heard some things from people i've worked with and i know its a legal minefield bogged down by the fact many states dont update legal codes for situations like this.

---

You can have as many kids as you want
You only got one shot at life

---

monkmith posted...

that's a fun point. decade down the line the mother might stabalize and start demanding 'her daughter' back.

And thats when you take her to court, shit aint the 60s family court just doesnt default to siding with the bological parents

---

ZeroX91 posted...

And thats when you take her to court, shit aint the 60s family court just doesnt default to siding with the bological parents

which can include months/years of legal limbo and the costs associated. it doesn't hurt to find out if he and his fiance can get some legal protection put in place to stop it from getting to that point.

---

monkmith posted...

which can include months/years of legal limbo and the costs associated. it doesn't hurt to find out if he and his fiance can get some legal protection put in place to stop it from getting to that point.

right. I dont want to foster her until her mom recovers/dies.

If we do anything, I want to adopt her outright. Give the kid some chance at a normal life


---

They want us to come visit like one or two Sundays a month, and see if it would be a good fit for us.

Even if nothing comes of it, some stability couldnt hurt.

---

Any adoptive parents wanna chime in? Or anyone who knew they were adopted

---

lww99 posted...

Any adoptive parents wanna chime in? Or anyone who knew they were adopted

@Zanzenburger

---