Current Events > I have this one really weird mental issue about age/time, any advice?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I've been struggling with it for a long long time. Basically I've mostly recovered from my major depression but it took many years longer than I wanted it to, so now I'm "ready to live" X-era in my life, but my biological age means "it's too late". And things all over trigger this negative reaction in me, it's like this harsh slap of "it's too late" when I start thinking about getting excited about the future, or finally starting to date, or exploring a new career I'm passionate about.

I feel like there is permission society gives you when you are 21 to have hope, excitement, and ambition but with time that permission is slowly revoked.

What makes it worse is like now I was just about to go write, but before I did I wanted to watch a music video for song because I like the emotion it expresses but the guy singing it looks slightly younger than me, and so my brain goes "you can't FEEL that way, that feeling is for younger people, you are TOO OLD, you missed your chance to feel that, you missed your chance to be good."

And I feel that gut punch, and that gut punch happens several times per day when I think about anything relating to time, my age, or other people's ages. Like you can't look up to people younger than you, and you can't have mentors younger than you, so as time goes on you are forced to be something even if you aren't developmentally there yet. It's got to the point where I won't tell people my age because it makes me deeply ashamed and uncomfortable. Because it's something that tells the world I'm forever limited and can never be what I wanted because I missed my chance.

But when I talk to other people of all ages they seem to say "this sounds more like depression than an age thing". Like these seem to be delusional beliefs in my head and not a part of reality, there is nothing in reality that stops me from being who I need to be for me. So if that's true, how the hell do I condition myself out of this?

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This topic is vague, but you're allowed to enjoy music at any age. One of my favorite DJs is younger than me, but I can still respect his musical talent.

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Pepys Monster posted...

This topic is vague, but you're allowed to enjoy music at any age. One of my favorite DJs is younger than me, but I can still respect his musical talent.

I know that, the issue is are you permitted to relate to the emotions? Or are those young people emotions that you have aged out of?

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joe40001 posted...

I know that, the issue is are you permitted to relate to the emotions? Or are those young people emotions that you have aged out of?

What emotions are we talking about here? You probably haven't "aged out" of them. But I don't have much to go off of.

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Are you gonna tell us how old you are or am I stuck thinking you're 35

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MrResetti posted...

Are you gonna tell us how old you are or am I stuck thinking you're 35

That's kinda the point of all this. Does it matter?

Are there feelings I can't feel if I'm 35? Or 30? Or 25?

Pepys Monster posted...

What emotions are we talking about here? You probably haven't "aged out" of them. But I don't have much to go off of.

The song I'm thinking of is "Lost in my mind" and the feelings seem to be a youthful wanderlust after spending a little time being nostalgic transitioning into youthful excitement about embarking on new life.

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I definitely feel like being in love requires a certain amount of naivety and faith in another person that I'm no longer capable of. As a result, I haven't felt optimistic about any relationships I've been in for almost 4 years now, I barely ever go out, and I basically feel like the best years of my life are over.

On top of that, my direct family (Mom, Dad, brother) all have horrible chemistry with each other. We just don't get along very well or have fun with one another. With this sort of set example of what a family is, I don't feel like I have any hope at providing someone with a fun/positive dynamic.

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Well if you're feeling too old at 25 or 30, remember that Perry Farrell was 34 in 1992.

I'll be 28 in 12 days.


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TC would you ever be open to therapy?

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I understand, TC. If it helps to know this, I don't know, but there's the adage that you can't have wisdom and youth together. What you need is sincerity. Steer into that feeling with sincerity, don't hide it, and back it up with action and sacrifice. At some point you have to make the decision to look silly for doing things "later" or let it go.

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Harpie posted...

TC would you ever be open to therapy?

I go to therapy all the time, have been doing it for many years.

That's a big part of why I've largely recovered from the depression, but with this one issue its very difficult. Because it seems like his solution is for me to "confront my age" or "grieve the years that are gone". But I try to explain this is problematic because tied to these things are the beliefs I have about what time/age says about my possibility and future. If I "grieve the years I've lost to depression" in my current state I fear it would involve me not just accepting that that time is forever gone, but also accepting the hope and emotions are forever gone too.

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Find comfort in knowing what you want.

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WarfireX posted...

I definitely feel like being in love requires a certain amount of naivety and faith in another person that I'm no longer capable of. As a result, I haven't felt optimistic about any relationships I've been in for almost 4 years now, I barely ever go out, and I basically feel like the best years of my life are over.

Yeah, this echoes some of where I'm at, save for the fact that because of my "depression coma" I haven't even really dated before now.

People say we are in charge of our emotions, and if that's a case I want to re-install things like some of my naivety and excitement/hope. I've internalized more disillusion/cynicism than I actually believe and I want to "deprogram" myself from that.

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BlingBling22947 posted...

Find comfort in knowing what you want.

While this is good, I still have a problem if I emotionally believe it is "too late" to have what I want. Even if all I really want is hope for the future and excitement/passion for today. I need to unlearn this lesson.

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Enjoy and feel whatever you want to feel.

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Like whatever you want to like, feel how you want to feel. Age only means how long we have been on this Earth, nothing else. Appreciate everything that you can, enjoy life, feel good things, it's part of making us all human. Don't think this much into it, you do you, that's what makes you an individual. No one can tell you that you are too old for something, or shouldn't feel something. If we were all the same this would be a shitty, boring world.

I'm 38 years old, I still game, I watch some animated stuff. South Park still makes me laugh, some of the most fun I have is playing with action figures with my nephews. It just doesn't matter, do what makes you happy. Judgemental drama BS ends when you leave high school.

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OffTempo posted...

Enjoy and feel whatever you want to feel.

MabusIncarnate posted...

Like whatever you want to like, feel how you want to feel. Age only means how long we have been on this Earth, nothing else. Appreciate everything that you can, enjoy life, feel good things, it's part of making us all human. Don't think this much into it, you do you, that's what makes you an individual. No one can tell you that you are too old for something, or shouldn't feel something. If we were all the same this would be a shitty, boring world.

I'm 38 years old, I still game, I watch some animated stuff. South Park still makes me laugh, some of the most fun I have is playing with action figures with my nephews. It just doesn't matter, do what makes you happy. Judgemental drama BS ends when you leave high school.

These ideas are great and I want to agree. I don't disagree objectively in any way, but I'm behaviorally conditioned to feel some force of shame or something when I try to actually live this way. Any suggestions of how I can get from agreeing with this sentiment to internalizing it?

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joe40001 posted...

Any suggestions of how I can get from agreeing with this sentiment to internalizing it?

Steer into that feeling with sincerity, don't hide it, and back it up with action and sacrifice.

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Don't focus on the society we live in, and just the reality you exist in. Just keep your sanity and morals intact, and think about what simply keeps you at peace.

I think the people who distance themselves youthful attitudes either do it deliberately in some lame attempt to "look the part" of an adult, or just didn't have much with that time of their life.

Of course we're not talking being a complete weird ass hanging out at a college campus or doing anything blatantly pedo. But if you like music and fashion, etc put forth by younger people, nothing wrong with that. The product/idea/thought is independent of the kind of person who put it forward. There were old guys who got into Jordans when they were new, and seniors who love to blast a Bruno Mars album. If anything, we count on a younger generation to continuously add something new in society.

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Didnt read through the topic, just the op. Its all mental. Whatever you do. If you want to give yourself a bunch of roadblocks and 1 serious one. You surely can. Its all in your head dude. If you want to do something,,, trust me, you can probably do it if you let yourself, or really want to do it

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I bet this comes down to sex. It always does

you're 35 and annoyed you missed out on the chance to fuck 21 year old girls aren't you

it's okay, it'd almost be weird not to feel that way in your position

btw.. just mention your age so we can at least offer some contextual advice, even if you're 45

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https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/gpxeqc/spitting_facts/

https://i.redd.it/iz1mtjia2s051.png

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haloiscoolisbak posted...

I bet this comes down to sex. It always does

you're 35 and annoyed you missed out on the chance to fuck 21 year old girls aren't you

it's okay, it'd almost be weird not to feel that way in your position

It's not about sex. I have no real interest in sex.

I would want to date and have emotional intimacy with people who aren't cynical or world weary, but like people said that's not really tied to age.

As long as I can still have relationships and connections with people who have excitement for life then I'm fine.

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Conflict posted...

It sounds hard, but you'd just have to learn to understand that there isn't a 'time limit'. I'm sure a lot of the things you want, you can still achieve. You're probably getting beat down by society's narrative if you don't do X by the age of Y, you're a complete failure. It's not productive

I have gotten beat down. If I can just shake this mentality I'd be so much happier.

berlyman101 posted...

I understand, TC. If it helps to know this, I don't know, but there's the adage that you can't have wisdom and youth together. What you need is sincerity. Steer into that feeling with sincerity, don't hide it, and back it up with action and sacrifice. At some point you have to make the decision to look silly for doing things "later" or let it go.

Can you elaborate on this? I'm not sure I fully understand.

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If you ever feel too old to enjoy life, remember that there's a dating site exclusively for people over 50 called "our time."

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Dude how old are you I need to know how many candles for your birthday cake

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Gobstoppers12 posted...

If you ever feel too old to enjoy life, remember that there's a dating site exclusively for people over 50 called "our time."

I do wonder how people older than me cope. There are many who seem legitimately happy. But maybe the lived their life correctly in my age and before, idk.

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So do most people not feel this way?

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Bump, sorry this is a big issue for me so a little more advice/feedback would be appreciated.

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i was very depressed all my twenties, am 29 now but feel okay. i guess just don't worry about it and do whatever you like?

do you have friends who still act young? i think you need to surround yourself with people who share your mindset - and there are plenty out there

tbh i still would like to know your age - just because I could understand a 40 year old thinking he's lost his youth but someone my age i can't understand why you wouldn't be more positive

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haloiscoolisbak posted...

i was very depressed all my twenties, am 29 now but feel okay. i guess just don't worry about it and do whatever you like?

do you have friends who still act young? i think you need to surround yourself with people who share your mindset - and there are plenty out there

tbh i still would like to know your age - just because I could understand a 40 year old thinking he's lost his youth but someone my age i can't understand why you wouldn't be more positive

It's odd that you kinda argue that age shouldn't define a person, but then also think it should.

Is there an age where you don't think a person can appropriately feel hope or excitement? And if so who are we to say that it isn't 10 years before that?

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I don't know I don't think I've analysed this whole thing as much as you however...

I guess at 40 some objective signs of aging are well in place, you wouldn't want to be having kids much older than this...

You're also past the halfway point of the typical working life (20-60) so you're running out of time to get a good job and save for your retirement, something that some people would deem pretty important

I'm generalising a lot but whatever


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More excuses from joe lol. Joe you need to just go out and live. Do you want to be 70 on your deathbed and say man I wish I complained more on gamefaqs. Live your life like no one is watching , because guess what, no one is. Everyone cares about themselves.

storytime.
https://youtu.be/4-079YIasck

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joe40001 posted...

I do wonder how people older than me cope. There are many who seem legitimately happy. But maybe the lived their life correctly in my age and before, idk.

Not necessarily, there are plenty of people who only discover themselves later in life.

joe40001 posted...

you can't FEEL that way, that feeling is for younger people, you are TOO OLD, you missed your chance to feel that, you missed your chance to be good.

But this seems irrational, as you say. I mean art is something that you'll always relate to in differently with accumulated experience. What you heard in a song as a kid can be quite different from what you're hearing now and what you would hear maybe 10 years from now. In that sense there's no question that the feelings that song gives you are appropriate for where you are now.

If you just heard the song you mention without seeing the artist how different do you think it might have felt? I guess that should be the goal - to value things in an intrinsic sense again, but I don't know enough to say how one can deprogram themselves of these kinds of thoughts

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haloiscoolisbak posted...

I don't know I don't think I've analysed this whole thing as much as you however...

I guess at 40 some objective signs of aging are well in place, you wouldn't want to be having kids much older than this...

You're also past the halfway point of the typical working life (20-60) so you're running out of time to get a good job and save for your retirement, something that some people would deem pretty important

I'm generalising a lot but whatever

If there are things you can't be at 40 then by extension aren't there things you can't be when you are 25?

I'm not asking to antagonize, I want to unpack/understand this.

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I think Tame Impala - It Might Be Time is about this exact topic lol

Thankfully he mentioned in an interview that he believes it's all nonsense and the song is supposed to be mocking of that idea in a way

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joe40001 posted...

If there are things you can't be at 40 then by extension aren't there things you can't be when you are 25?

I'm not asking to antagonize, I want to unpack/understand this.

I guess there are some things society views differently depending on your age (having a bar job/being a struggling musician at 25 is cool and interesting, being either of these things at 40 is potentially a little depressing) but it all comes down to how open minded you are/ the people you interact with are

Like say you're 55 and still have a low wage job, you will probably be eventually be living week to week in retirement rather than having a secure financial position that allows you to travel and stuff in your twilight years

I'm just completely thinking off the top of my head though

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AvantgardeAClue posted...

I think Tame Impala - It Might Be Time is about this exact topic lol

Thankfully he mentioned in an interview that he believes it's all nonsense and the song is supposed to be mocking of that idea in a way

Pink Floyd - Time as well

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haloiscoolisbak posted...

Pink Floyd - Time as well

That song is deep and amazing as fuck but yeah depressing too.

I remember being much younger and hearing "and then one day you find, 10 years have got behind you, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun" and even then being like "yeah, I get this song."

Now that feeling is much worse.

But I don't want to be negative, I am finally climbing out of my depression, I just have to escape this prison I fear time has put on me.

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Why cant you just start your timeline today? Why the obsession of time missed.

You can still do shit way past your best by date. There are plenty of stories of grannies just starting to lift in their old age, and getting ripped after a life of raising kids.

Cristoph Waltz, Alan Rickman, Bryan Cranston all got their start at mid 40s earliest.

You missed the chance to perhaps be the absolute best in some field, perhaps, but your body still works. You can still get muscles and make money and find a nice girl.

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ZTT888returning posted...

Why cant you just start your timeline today? Why the obsession of time missed.

It haunts me.

It's funny, I think about it a lot because I want to "solve' how to stop having to think about it at all.

I feel like if I ignore the nagging feeling it won't go away, but somebody out here might have the answer to deprogram me from these dumb backwards beliefs that hold me back.

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joe40001 posted...

I feel like if I ignore the nagging feeling it won't go away, but somebody out here might have the answer to deprogram me from these dumb backwards beliefs that hold me back.

Mental health issues can't be "deprogrammed" by some enlightened phrase you hear on a message board. You can ask for advice and people can give it, but that is as far as other people can take you. The rest is up to you.

But on this subject, I happen to feel exactly the same way for different reasons. A good portion of my youth was stolen from me by an underlying health condition and some very bad luck. I grew up having very achievable goals and dreams, things that gave me the will to live, and now it seems like I'll never do any of it, and it's all stuff that I should have gotten a start on like 10 years ago. As far as I know, I'm at high risk if I get COVID-19, and even if I dodge the virus or get it and survive, the world economy is in the toilet, there are real fears about the November election, and hideous authoritarian legislation is lying in wait in Congress. The future can't be predicted, but it sure doesn't look good from where I'm sitting.

Shit feels bad man. =/

joe40001 posted...

If there are things you can't be at 40 then by extension aren't there things you can't be when you are 25?

No, and no. Apart from labels and some laws, age shouldn't matter at all. My dad's 66 years old with heart failure and he still looks forward to new movies and family get-togethers and all that.

Stop convincing yourself to feel old.

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Gobstoppers12 posted...

No, and no. Apart from labels and some laws, age shouldn't matter at all. My dad's 66 years old with heart failure and he still looks forward to new movies and family get-togethers and all that.

Stop convincing yourself to feel old.

You are right. I will try.

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Feel better man, theres no right age to do anything; in fact 40 is the new 20 apparently so youre golden

Just dont create illusions about the fact that youre older and doing something, it just is what it is brotha

RedJackson posted...

Feel better man, theres no right age to do anything; in fact 40 is the new 20 apparently so youre golden

Just dont create illusions about the fact that youre older and doing something, it just is what it is brotha

Thanks

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