Current Events > I just did the worst poop I've done in months. A real 1/10 turd

(+) Yeah! (+)

Legit. If we're ranking pooping experiences on a scale of 1 to 10, this would be a 1/10. A 10 would be doing a solid, unbroken poop that makes you feel better, and the stars align in such a way that there's no need to wipe afterwards - a no-wipe poop that makes you feel 100% refreshed is the pinnacle. This one, in comparison, fucked my life up - at least for the day.

First, it woke me up at 6 AM. I have work at 9, so it robbed me of about an hour of sleep. That alone is an egregious offense. So I get out of bed and go to the loo, and it's one of those burning poops because I ate a bunch of sliced jalapeno chilies last night. It's cemented to the inside of my guts.

So I sit and wait. I basically have to meditate on the bowl so my body can go through the natural process of throwing my guts out the air lock. And it does not come fast - it's like molasses. Eventually I do a half-solid poop, partially lava, which strains my body and puts me in a decent amount of pain. So with that lump of coal out of me, I can just wipe and get on with my life, right? Nope.

I still have pain in my guts. So I sit there and let my body work everything out. Could have been 5 minutes, could have been 10. But eventually, by some miracle, my body isolates a bunch of shit it needs to get rid of. And I go through a solid 10 seconds of the most painful, awful lava shits I've had in months. Just a river of lava and pain.

The worst part is that after the volcano stopped, I didn't feel any satisfaction. I didn't feel good for having pooped. It felt like there was a multitude of poop left, and that I had only scratched the surface - though that was mostly the residual pain, I'm feeling a lot better now.

Overall, this was a miserable shitting experience. I'm gonna be tired for work, and I have a feeling that my next poop - even if it's a good one - will have to deal with the aftermath of this monstrosity. I would give it a 1/10 only because it didn't do any physical harm to my body - I've done some massive poops in my day, and I've dealt with the aftermath of doing girthy shits that have been brewing for weeks at a time. This poop was just pain on the inside, and it made for a miserable experience. Literally no other redeeming qualities though.

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The worst is when you finally finish wiping a difficult dump and then when the tp touches your clean bumhole it triggers round two.

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Chicken posted...

The worst is when you finally finish wiping a difficult dump and then when the tp touches your clean bumhole it triggers round two.

bruh, that's my life x_x

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MrMallard posted...

bruh, that's my life x_x

Can I touch your bumhole?

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Just woke up at 8.15 with another stomach ache. Less poop than the first time, which was annoying since I sat on the can for a good 10 minutes in agony.

I ate over half a stick of spicy salami yesterday, I think that's what's behind this. Holy fuck, I do not feel well.

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MrMallard posted...

Just woke up at 8.15 with another stomach ache. Less poop than the first time, which was annoying since I sat on the can for a good 10 minutes in agony.

I ate over half a stick of spicy salami yesterday, I think that's what's behind this. Holy fuck, I do not feel well.

Insert the other half of the salami to unclog your pipe

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Rated 1 out of 10. Would not poop again