Current Events > I'm about to chug half a bottle of wine. Here's some sad blogfaqs.

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I had a few thoughts while I was on the toilet just now. It's probably going to be embarrassing, but I have some ugly feelings I need to air out and CE is basically a moist armpit where this commentary can fester away until it's wiped clean.

One reason I'm so harsh against incels is because I've been down that road, and I've come out the other side with some basic human decency. I don't think it's an uncommon thing to feel unloved, or unlovable, or hard-done-by because of this. I've felt it for years, with my most outspoken period of time coinciding with a woman's suicide by drinking bleach a good 8 - 10 years ago, earning myself a fair share of scorn and condemnation. When it comes to frustration and hatred at being ignored, including at the expense of women who faced their own harrassment and who suffered their own pain, I've been there before. I fucking resent some of the things I've said, but I've been there before.

It took a community of patient, excellent online friends to break me out of my most violent thought patterns. They had to read the psychotic things I wrote in this vein, or a whole other mess of psycho shit I wrote, and it was only with the threat of ostracization and their astonished responses at my violent posts that I began to feel shame at what I was writing. I was in pain, and venting my most pent-up and aggressive feelings was one of the only ways I had to express this. But I understood that I was crossing a line, and I was applying horrible pressure to people without taking into account the awful circumstances that they themselves were in. I was putting the people around me through a whole other mess of trauma. That was wrong. I just wanted to vent my pain, but I did it destructively and without taking other people into account, exposing them to some truly fucked up things. And I was wrong to do that.

Here's my issue with incels. When they're faced with the same hard condemnation for their most repugnant views, when people make them feel unwelcome for saying selfish, psychotic things, they run away to greener pastures where a similar sort of people with the same mindset reinforce those feelings. There's no hard look at yourself, there's no accounting for your actions. You have five people who would say the exact same thing cheering you on for saying what needed to be said, what they needed to hear themselves. Yeah, that woman who drank a bunch of bleach because her nudes were leaked by neckbeard troglodyte scum? An incel with a community of their own will be celebrated for the most violent, hateful comment about her. How she was still attractive enough to be admired, and how she paid some sort of price for showing her tits. They aren't confronted with the horror of that situation from that other person's viewpoint, but bolstered by people who only know how to look through the poster's eyes.

That mindset is reinforced in a place like r/incel. But in a casual "general topic" discussion, with a diverse group of people - especially with people who might be a bit older than you, who are less anonymous and more close-knit - that sort of speech is abhorrent and it makes you a whole less likeable. You have people telling you, to your face, that your rant has caused them to lose a lot of respect for you. You have people whose attention you have cherished, and people you consider friends, telling you to your face that the way you handled that topic was indefensible and wrong. And it forces you to be better.

I've been so hateful in the last, so violent and angry. I've put a lot of people into awkward situations because of my anger. And I've learned empathy in the face of my own self-righteous rage. And it makes me sick to see people who are trapped in the same cycle of hate get fed, to get primed for a similar wave of rage against the next "entitled feminazi bitch" who dares to complain when they're targeted. I was lucky enough to get reprogrammed by the people around me, but that doesn't mean I never crossed lines of my own.
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People not being put in situations and around people who force them to be better is a major flaw in todays society IMO.

Its so easy to just hide away when theres the slightest hint of repercussions to your words and actions.
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And frankly, I still feel a lot of the sadness that I used to. I'm so touch-starved, and yet I still flinch around people I know if there's even a trace of any physicality in the cards. I can never let my guard down, because I think that the next pratfall is around the corner. Sometimes this fear is realised, when I'm made the butt of a joke by my friends when I'm trying to express a true and earnest thing to them. I feel fat, and ugly, and unlovable - just tonight my friend tried to get me to message a woman who keeps messaging him with annoying relationship things, to get her off his back. I told him "she's skinny now, so she's too good for me". He laughed really fucking hard, and I'm glad he did. But I meant it. Despite how awful and disrespectful that is to her, and how harshly it puts myself down, I meant it wholeheartedly.

But I shouldn't have to project my pain and loneliness onto others. I should be able to find enriching and life-affirming support from my friends, which I don't often find - but I layer every grain of truth in as much humor as I can, so I can feel like I'm enriching their lives while getting my own problems off my chest. That's not healthy of me, and I realise that - so it's hardly my place to bitch about how li'l old me feels alone and disrespected most of the time. I'm consciously trying to evoke that feeling through self deprecating humor.

Another thing that isn't healthy, especially given my last point? Giving into despair and selfishly labelling every hateful thing I feel onto the people around me. If I feel fat, ugly and unlovable, I have to find the time and strength in my own life to change that. I realise that there are things I can do in my own life to help myself in these areas. And even if I did try, I might not succeed. But the fact is that I don't try, and I can't dump all of my hate onto other people because of my own failings. There has to be a real, concerted effort on my part if I'm not getting anywhere.

Incels would rather blame "femoids" for robbing them of something precious, to blame everything else for letting them slip through the cracks. And these environments that encourage this self-centred way of thinking, that feeds this rage, draws more people into that sort of mindset. It's a feedback loop of hate feeding more hate. It's a lot easier to fall into that when you don't have to care about what other people with opposing viewpoints think of you. According to these good chums, nothing is wrong with you, but everything is wrong with the people who reject you.

No, you need someone with enough reason and tact to tell you to stop being such a shitty, entitled monster, and confront you about the genuinely horrific, abhorrent things you're saying about other people's misfortune like your emotional squabbles are more important than a girl who's being harassed over some perceived sexual slights by a bunch of lowlife fucks on the internet. You are not the victim - you're an entitled fuckwit, and you need a strong figure in your life to make you confront your sick behavior. You need to confront your dysfunction and realise the pain you're inflicting on the people around you. Sometimes that will leave you just as lonely as before, but there needs to be a realisation there that there are other people in the world with their own problems, and you can't call those problems non-existent in the name of relieving your own trauma.

But that doesn't mean becoming a repressed husk of a person, like I've been doing for the last 6 years of my life. It means striking a balance between empathy, and finding room in your life to take care of your own emotional needs.
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Yep safe spaces is such a bad word
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tl;dr
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Hey pal, if I wanted a book I would have went to the fucking library

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INCELS FUCKlNG SUCK
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