Current Events > Classic Simpsons quotes

(+) Yeah! (+)

Cayman Islands Bank Manager: "I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information about that customer's secret, illegal account."

[hangs up]

Cayman Islands Bank Manager: "Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... Oh, crap! I *certainly* shouldn't have said it was illegal!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpjX4q5ZWQc" data-time="

Hello, my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me
OK Mr Burns, whats your first name?
......I dont knooow
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D'oh
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Bite my shorts
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CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, I made it... despite your directions.
SKINNER: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!
CHALMERS: Uhh...
SKINNER: [gasp] Oh egads, my roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? [to himself] Oh ho ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Seymour!
CHALMERS: Uh-
[cue song]
Skinner with his crazy explanations,
The superintendent's gonna need his medication,
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
[end of song]
CHALMERS: Seymour!
SKINNER: Superintendent, I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
CHALMERS: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
SKINNER: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm... steamed clams! [beat] Ooh...
[a few moments later]
SKINNER: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!
CHALMERS: I thought we were having steamed clams.
SKINNER: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!
CHALMERS: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"
SKINNER: Yes. It's a regional dialect!
CHALMERS: Uh-huh... uh, what region?
SKINNER: Uhh... upstate New York?
CHALMERS: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
SKINNER: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
CHALMERS: I see. [beat] You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
SKINNER: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
CHALMERS: For steamed hams?
SKINNER: Yes.
CHALMERS: Yeah, so you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
SKINNER: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second.
CHALMERS: Of course.
SKINNER: [YAWN] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped.
CHALMERS: Yes, I should be- Good Lord, what is happening in there!?
SKINNER: Aurora borealis?
CHALMERS: Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
SKINNER: Yes!
CHALMERS: May I see it?
SKINNER: No.
SKINNER'S MOTHER: Seymour, the house is on fire!
SKINNER: No, motherit's just the northern lights!
CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.
SKINNER'S MOTHER: Help! Help!
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oh boy I have a book full of quotes from Seasons 1-8. Here's one from the very first episode.

Bart: Hey Santa, what's shaking?
Homer (disguised as Santa): What's your name, Bart... ner? Er... little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
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Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.

- episode where they are making the Radioactive Man movie.
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Let me set the record straight. I thought...the cop...was a prostitute. - Homer Simpson
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Works on contingency?

No, money down!
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Alpha218 posted...

[meme machine]

Glorious.
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Alpha218 posted...

SKINNER: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm... steamed clams! [beat] Ooh...
[a few moments later]
SKINNER: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!
CHALMERS: I thought we were having steamed clams.
SKINNER: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!
CHALMERS: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"
SKINNER: Yes. It's a regional dialect!
CHALMERS: Uh-huh... uh, what region?
SKINNER: Uhh... upstate New York?
CHALMERS: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
SKINNER: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
CHALMERS: I see. [beat] You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
SKINNER: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
CHALMERS: For steamed hams?
SKINNER: Yes.
CHALMERS: Yeah, so you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

This part gets me every time.

Here's another from the first episode

"It says it's for dogs, but she can't read."
~Homer, picking up a squeaking rubber pork chop as Maggie's Christmas present.
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"It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
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DUFF SHARK!!!

DUFF SHARK!!!

..duff shark!!
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No, my childs name is also Bort.
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Homer: Simpson. Homer Simpson. Heeeeeeeee's the greatest guy in historeeeeeee. From the. Town of Springfield. Heeeeeeeeee's about to hit a chestnut treeeeeeeeee!

Ahhh! *Crash*
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Shaving my shoulders... Gettin em all shaved off

Ive learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGLzm-Gy0dQ" data-time="
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matteus70 posted...

Ive learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

HEY! I was gonna post that because it's in my sig!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DID YOU SEE THAT JERK? He dropped his notes!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

The sheer obnoxious tone of Homers laugh gets me every time
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Ralph: "My cat's breath smells like cat food."
End episode.
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"Get a horse!"

"Can we Marge? Can we?"
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'I've decided to protect myself, ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.'

'D'oh!'
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Homer: "Doh!"
Bart: "Ay Carumba!"
Marge: "Mmmm!"
Maggie: (Sucks her pacifer)
Flanders: "Hi diddly yo!"
Barney: (Burps)
Nelson: "Ha-ha!"
Mr. Burns: "Excellent!"

Lisa: "If anyone needs me I'll be in my room."

Homer: "What kind of catchphrase is that?"
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Lisa needs braces!

Dental plan

Lisa needs braces!

Dental plan
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I was born to lead, not to read.

This is over a decade ago so yes its classic

It's an illuuuuuusion

*waves fingers through burnt out pot*
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Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
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No beer no tv make homer crazyyyy
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Ho, this guy's got more bread than a prison meatloaf. He's rich, I tell you!
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What was I laughing about? Oh yes! That crippled Irishman!
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Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!
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"Well kids, it was fun while it lasted. Let's go home"

"We Are Home."

"That was fast."

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. (goes into the dining room and imitates a second voice) Hello Marge, how's the family? (in regular voice) I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!

Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!
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Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to help you, not punish you.

Homer at the dealership with Marge : Wait a minute, we're not signing anything, unless it's a contract!
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I LIKE My beer cold my My TV loud and my Homosexual s FLAMIING!
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Homer: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? [the Flanders' rebuilt house collapses] Aw, shoot!

Flanders: [after cleaning his glasses, but one of the lenses fall out and puts his glasses back on as he tries to calm himself down, understanding that the townspeople has done their best] Now, calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly... [unable to control his emotions and instead, starts to snap] AW, HELL-DIDDLY-DING-DONG-CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! [everyone gasps]

Marge: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best.

Flanders: (to Marge) Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have gooood intentions!

Bart: Hey! Back off, man!

Flanders: (to Bart) Ooh, okay, duuuuuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaaaaaan! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, "'GOT A QUARTER?!" [everyone gasps again]'" [everyone gasps]

Bart: I am shocked and appalled.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.

Flanders: (sarcastic gasp of surprise and to Lisa) Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's got to be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a a QUESTION NO ONE ASKED!

Chief Wiggum: (laughs)

Flanders: (to Wiggum) What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got the bottom of WAS A CASE OF MALLOWMARS!

Krusty: [opening a notebook] Mallomars, oh, haha. That's going in the act. [begins writing].

Flanders: (to Krusty) Oh yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! [Krusty ignores him]. (to Lenny) And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!

Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?

Flanders: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man.

Moe: [acting bravely]. Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was the third thing you said?

Flanders: (to his neighbor Homer, coldly and quietly) Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.

Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
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I liked Flanders a lot more before he became a caricature of himself
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Nc88_ZEfxg" data-time="

Marge: ...But all I did was tell the truth.

Lionel Hutz: Of course you did! But there's "the truth" (shakes head) and "the truth." (smiles wide) Let me show you. (shows pictures of homes for sale)

Marge: It's awfully small.

Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."

Marge: That's dilapidated.

Lionel Hutz: "Rustic."

Marge: That house is on fire!

Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller."

Homer Simpson: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.

Great Uncle Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.

Homer Simpson: [nervously] Oh... but you *run* it, right?

Great Uncle Chet: [smugly] Oh, yeah.

Homer Simpson: Okay... uh, this is your second cousin, Stanley!

Cousin Stanley: Um, I shoot birds at the airport.

Homer Simpson: [More nervously] Everybody hates birds, right?

[Homer frantically looks for a successful relative and spots a dapper man smoking a cigar.]

Homer Simpson: You look pretty successful!

Simpson Relative 1: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties.

[sighs defeatedly]

Simpson Relative 1: At least, I'd like to.

Bart Simpson: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer Simpson: What about you?

Simpson Relative 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

Simpson Relative 3: I beg celebrities for money!

Simpson Relative 4: I'm a prison snitch.

Simpson Relative 5: Jug band manager.

Simpson Relative 6: My legs hurt.
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lesidesi posted...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGLzm-Gy0dQ" data-time="

Probably the only Simpsons quote that can't be done in text alone and absolutely requires a video clip.
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You ever been huntin' before there, Barty? Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods- seems kinda gay. That is a very immature attitude, young man.
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On closer inspection...these are loafers.
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stupid babies need the most attention
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We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
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Ugh, lousy Smarch weather. "Do not touch Willie." Good advice!
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Pickabar? What the hell is a pickabar?
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