Current Events > Relationship/real life event, what would you do in my shoes?

(+) Yeah! (+)

There's no way to tl;dr this but I'll try, this topic is gonna be a long one. Best friend wants to be roommates, needs my help. Having him around would be fun for all of us and is a positive thing. We signed a lease for the three of us in a new, modern, fantastic apartment. Girlfriend doesn't want to move anymore because she's severely emotionally attached to the current apartment we have. She said yes to moving, signed the new lease, and is emotionally freaking out now.

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My best friend of almost two decades is in a rough spot and always wanted to be my roommate. Instead of being dragged halfway across the country, he wants to live with me and my girlfriend. He's a great guy, and all three of us are friends. All have stable jobs, money, goals, health. All good there.

My girlfriend and I currently live in a studio that I personally hate. Cramped kitchen, failing appliances, cheap rent, very old interior including ancient radiators that take one or two hours to warm up. But it's way up on the hill in the city with a fenced in, nice backyard, a basement extension with stairs leading down for a cool fire pit hangout place, a massive set of stairs leading to the front door for privacy. But the interior is a mess. To skip my side of it, I really am discontent here. I have my legit reasons. She loves it and is a very sentimental person. From the warped wooden floors to the toilet that doesn't flush properly to the only one burner that works, she loves this place.

Now to the final paragraph. She decided to help him, and was talked into the positives of living together. She's in school and works full time, so I'll be less bored and she won't be so pressured to hang out if her course load is insane. He's my best friend, so my benefits there are duh. We can all save a lot of money splitting things three ways compared to two currently. The new apartment is fantastic. I need to stress this. The backyard is a gigantic state nature reserve. Modern kitchen, bathroom, appliances, basement, two car garage, storage unit, shed, and is the same price as our current rent.

But now she is calling her own bluff. Emotional, crying, distressed, anxious, afraid, hates the idea of moving, loves this apartment, doesn't want to let it go. I can go on and on. Total nuclear meltdown and I feel like I might want to cancel the whole thing, but we already signed the lease a month ago. I have no idea what to do and am terrified and depressed to see her like this, having hid her feelings, and we're scheduled to move in a month. Do I cancel the new lease and eat the costs involved? Do we move anyway like she's saying, and just hope she can "suck it up" and not spoil the whole thing for all of us?

I need to air this out. I'm going crazy in my mind.
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For the sake of skipping edits I should mention girl and I have been together 4.5 years. Not exactly a quick date.
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Wow. She seems really upset. Did you check to see how much it would cost to break the lease? And good you tell your best friend how this is affecting her(unless she doesn't want him to know she never really changed her mind on moving)?

Personally, I can't imagine what I'd do. I've had no friends(girl or otherwise) even once in my entire adult life.
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Your girlfriend sounds nuts.

Go ahead with the move, and maybe consider breaking it off with her, because it sounds like it's bound to happen soon regardless.

King Rial posted...

Wow. She seems really upset. Did you check to see how much it would cost to break the lease? And good you tell your best friend how this is affecting her(unless she doesn't want him to know she never really changed her mind on moving)?

Personally, I can't imagine what I'd do. I've had no friends(girl or otherwise) even once in my entire adult life.

It costs $2000 to cancel, we basically lost the first months rent and deposit to the black hole.

He knows. He's talked to her about it, and she seemingly felt better. Until she didn't.

SuperGamer5 posted...

Your girlfriend sounds nuts.

Go ahead with the move, and maybe consider breaking it off with her, because it sounds like it's bound to happen soon regardless.

This is going to sound sarcastic but it's not. In what way does she sound nuts? A little outside perspective might help me understand what I'm not seeing.

I agree with this second part to be honest.
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CommunismFTW posted...

In what way does she sound nuts?

Unless there's something deeper that I don't know, that level of sentimentality to what you describe as a shitty apartment is... unusual.

Additionally, I don't think any rational person would commit to such a significant agreement to the point where a lease is being made, only to do a complete 180 to such an emotional extent.

It just doesn't sound like sound adult behavior, in my opinion.

SuperGamer5 posted...

CommunismFTW posted...

In what way does she sound nuts?

Unless there's something deeper that I don't know, that level of sentimentality to what you describe as a shitty apartment is... unusual.

Additionally, I don't think any rational person would commit to such a significant agreement to the point where a lease is being made, only to do a complete 180 to such an emotional extent.

It just doesn't sound like sound adult behavior, in my opinion.

I mean it's where we've lived together for two years, but it wasn't even our first apartment. I think she just overvalues what a location can provide in sentimental terms. She's spent 3/4ths of her time here studying or driving to work (combined they're like 90-100 hours a week) and we rarely do anything fun inside the apartment. To her, I guess it just feels like home. To me it's a low-tier city apartment that can be improved significantly because I like to have friends over, cook, clean, and chill in a spacious and clean living arrangement.

I also don't view apartments as homes. They're not. They're leases, ones that could end with or without your consent on a moments notice. So idk.

I agree. I guess the best bet is to just go forward with it, which is the adult thing to do.
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Well for one, you could be dicking over your friend if you renege on the lease. I think you should go through with the move and do your best to convince your girl that everything will be okay, even if she doesn't feel like it now.

Try talking to her more to see if there are other reasons she doesn't wanna move.
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CommunismFTW posted...

To me it's a low-tier city apartment that can be improved significantly because I like to have friends over, cook, clean, and chill in a spacious and clean living arrangement.

Did you do your best to explain this to her, without belittling her opinion on the apartment? You don't want her getting defensive over it.
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your girlfriend might be stressing about something else (possibly school?), and that might be causing her to overreact

move. if it's really as big an improvement as you say, she'll probably be over it pretty quickly

this really doesn't seem like a very big issue to me
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I would go with the first option.. or maybe the last option. But given how you're considering on staying in the current apartment you hate just because of her, you likely value your relationship with her.

That being said, it's not healthy to be obsessed with a certain place. Especially if it is clearly failing in many ways and she knows that you aren't currently happy living there. It is normal for people to move. Does she plan for you two to stay living there another 5 or 10 years? The rest of your life? How many more years can you stand living there if that would be the case?

Which leads me to believe her reaction may be more than just moving. Is she secretly not okay with living with an extra person perhaps? And using this current apartment as an excuse?

Either way, I feel you should be more firm about moving. Explain to her (obviously nicer than I'm about to say it) that adults make decisions and she has already made one and signed the lease. It's financially irresponsible to back out, not fair to the mutual friend for suddenly backing out, and not beneficial to the relationship due to your discontent of the obviously failing place you two likely won't end up living in another year or two from now.

With some people, they don't know what they want and you just need to shove them in the pool and they'll love it.
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CommunismFTW posted...

I also don't view apartments as homes. They're not. They're leases, ones that could end with or without your consent on a moments notice. So idk.

This is the key. Yeah everybody gets a little attached to things, but an apartment was never yours to start with. You were likely going to move from there eventually, so might as well take advantage of what sounds like an upgrade in every way.
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The thought of moving can be stressful. Try to be supportive but be firm that moving is the best thing for both of you to do in the long term.
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Yeah definitely need to move. Shell realize the new place is better within a month of living there.
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I'm also not sure she has much of an option when it comes down to it.

Scenarios for her in the future:

- You both move. She looses her beloved dump.

- You two break up, you move out---she probably still looses her beloved dump unless she can afford it on her own or convince someone else to move into the dump with her.

It's time for you two to move on. As Darmik eloquently stated, "The thought of moving can be stressful. Try to be supportive but be firm that moving is the best thing for both of you to do in the long term."
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Move, be supportive and nice about it, but just move. She'll get over it after she settles into the new place.

Just stick to "I know, I'm gonna miss it too, but we've signed a lease" blah blah blah
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Thanks for the support guys. Honestly it feels good to be able to vent everything out here objectively, then see how the pieces land. I'm glad I'm not insane for how I feel (Agreeing with all of you) and I just need to find the patience, words, and calmness to approach this time bomb situation.

Say the wrong thing and she could panic and bail, leaving all three of us homeless. Side with her, and I lose a best friend. Side with him and I lose a almost 5 year thing. For what? Because she's too sentimental to move from a mediocre place to a fantastic, modern, upkept place literally inside a state park and she loves nature?
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You should definitely leave that dump of an apartment but be prepared for a really stressed out girlfriend as I assume that move is going to be taking place right alongside exams.

How long have you two been living together?

I think she's scared because she's going ti have to give up her free space. Sure, you can get along with roommates and live with then, but there comes added pressures too. What if you two get into a screaming fight about something? She's worried that her once shared safe space with you is gonna go away. With a third person in the mix, you kinda have to wear a mask at times, and that's gonna strain the relationship.

I think you should go ahead with the move but be extra attentive to ensure that you two still keep your private together time intact. I can't stress how important that is.
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Have you given your notice to move out of your current place yet?

It is going to cost you $2k to drop the new place, what if you tell her you are willing to keep paying rent on the old place, consider that money down the drain, but you want to give this new place a serious try and move in and all that. based on the math I'm guessing this is 3 months rent or there about? That should give her time to feel like the new place is home.

Long term you still win out financially if everything works out, if this doesn't work out and it causes huge issues and you have an escape.
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You should move. If not only because you're already financially committed but also to break her link with the old place, especially if you hate it that much (some women tend to get attached to things that 'have character' even if they're borderline dangerous to keep/use/live or ride in so get used to that lol). Get her used to moving if you intend to keep her because it's most likely going to happen again a couple of times in your life.
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Have a sit down with her. Im definitely on the side that theres something else thats shes upset about (whether its like stress about school or something like that) and you should probably see if theres anything you can help with.

Also have you had any talks about the long term future for you two? Maybe talking about that could help her. idk, but it seems like theres something wrong.
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That's a conundrum
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Damn

Sounds like she's actually fine with the prospect of moving to a better apartment (despite what you think she said); it's the 3rd wheel she's unsure about.

That's your guy friend, not hers.
You might think he's awesome and a good fit because of your history, but she has much less to go on with that assessment.
See it from her perspective, not yours.

What's the new guy offering that tells your girlfriend that he is a great addition instead of an invader?
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Damn