Current Events > It's my birthday today, CE.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'm not super happy about it.

In the last four years since leaving school, I haven't really made too much progress towards maturing into an adult. I drink a lot, I spend time with the only friends I've ever known, and I play video games. I'm a leech who feeds on the free time of other people, and I spend most of the time bottling my shit up so I keep the peace and don't alienate anyone. Even my mother's shitty boyfriend of eight years, who's an emotionally stunted alcoholic moron who loves to get drunk, but gets incredibly angry when my mum gets as drunk as he does.

I feel like a burden and a waste of resources. All I have going for me is an open-minded and friendly demeanor, which doesn't mean much when I blow off my friends to sleep into the PMs. I don't contribute anything but abstract thoughts and discourse to anyone, and maybe some company when people want to hang out. For a person who's 22, I've only gone for one job interview (which wrecked me when I didn't get the job) and worked two volunteer jobs. I'm disgusted by my inaction, but it legitimately feels hard just to get out of bed to face the day, because I live with a family I never want to see and have friends that - despite supporting me through hard times and outright giving me things I don't deserve - spend a lot of time pushing my buttons, trying to touch me because they know I don't like being touched, and who don't have many things in common with me aside from video games and something of a sense of humor.

These people all genuinely care about me, even my mother's alchie boyfriend (when he's not playing shitty music and screaming about how fat, slow or unmotivated I am to himself). But I've wanted to cut everyone away and just leave for years, because I've never deserved their kindness and I don't have anything I can do to repay them for everything they've given me. They've been good to me, even alcoholic fuckboy in very specific moments, but I hate myself and what I've become so much I'd rather leave and let them spend their time and resources on something (or someone) better. Which, of course, is just me being selfish instead of stepping up, taking responsibility for my actions and doing right by them.

The main source of my angst is how I'm now 22, but have achieved nothing to distinguish me as an adult. I'm stunted, I'm going nowhere fast and I can't feel a change in myself, because even with all the frustration and disgust at my inaction, it's just as hard to get out of bed as it's always been. I have no fucking idea how I'm going to get out of this four year slump, and I hate myself for that - as well as for becoming the sort of person I am. And I share the burden by hating those around me, even those who do right by me. I didn't ever deserve to make it to 22, and I wish the wasted potential would just kill me in my sleep or something.

My birthday gift to myself is this angsty rant on GameFAQs, of all places. Don't feel obligated to try and cheer me up, or go "just do it!!!" or whatever, I just wrote this because I'm angry at myself and wanted to express that anger somewhere as a way of venting and feeling better. I already feel better. Now I've expressed how I feel, I can get up, take a shower, and face the day where too many kind people pay attention to me.

Thanks for letting me rant, CE. It's self-indulgent and immature, but that's why I'm calling it a birthday present - I get one chance to blow off this steam a year, if you just give me the chance to be self-indulgent and immature about the life I live with minimal physical hardship and people who like me. Thanks for reading.

inb4 tl;dr
---

JustMyOpinion posted...

This isn't livejournal.

That's just, like, your opinion, man.
---

Came in to say Happy birthday, and I got assaulted by a wall post. You don't get no happy birthday no more
---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qm8PH4xAss
---

reading is hard
---

Zembaphobia posted...

Came in to say Happy birthday, and I got assaulted by a wall post. You don't get no happy birthday no more

it's cool, I understand. I appreciate the thought either way.

awesome999 posted...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qm8PH4xAss

lol, thanks dude.
---

Happy birthday and go at your own pace
---

happy birthday but thats too long to read rn
---