Current Events > I think my GF is in love with her gay best friend

(+) Yeah! (+)

So, been seeing this girl for a while. She has a guy friend who is her bestie, and is 100% gay.

We all went out for drinks and dancing and long story short she danced with him more, and cared for him more while he was drunk.

I'm in complete love with this girl, and marriage has been discussed for the future. It's been a few weeks since this night, and everything has been good. However, I'm still incredibly hurt by that night, and today she admitted that she once loved him and became really depressed that he was gay.

Am I over reacting? Clearly she loves me, but am I in the wrong to feel this way? Any advice?
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Fall in love with your gay female best friend.


Or talk to her about it? I guess. I dunno.
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3 some is the answer
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Your gut is telling you to leave. Just leave. This feeling won't go away.
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Its not cheating if he's gay is what she'll say tbh
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Tell her he tried coming onto you and said she didn't have to know
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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
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Leave her, you'll never shake the feeling of being her second choice. Find somebody who wants you as much as you want her.
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Wetterdew posted...

Leave her, you'll never shake the feeling of being her second choice. Find somebody who wants you as much as you want her.

Oh no, she totally does. She has asked me to marry her, just last night in fact.
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maoriwarrior posted...

Wetterdew posted...

Leave her, you'll never shake the feeling of being her second choice. Find somebody who wants you as much as you want her.

Oh no, she totally does. She has asked me to marry her, just last night in fact.

It's a trap
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evil_zombie11 posted...

maoriwarrior posted...

Wetterdew posted...

Leave her, you'll never shake the feeling of being her second choice. Find somebody who wants you as much as you want her.

Oh no, she totally does. She has asked me to marry her, just last night in fact.

It's a trap

Why do you say that
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maoriwarrior posted...

evil_zombie11 posted...

maoriwarrior posted...

Wetterdew posted...

Leave her, you'll never shake the feeling of being her second choice. Find somebody who wants you as much as you want her.

Oh no, she totally does. She has asked me to marry her, just last night in fact.

It's a trap

Why do you say that

I'm kidding, just giving you a hard time. lol
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I've had girls fall for me before.

It killed the friendship =/
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ollie89 posted...

I've had girls fall for me before.

It killed the friendship =/

What do you mean?
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Huge red flags. Don't marry her, she's already choosing him over you. Not hard to see her finding another man to crush on who isn't gay.

Keith_Valentine posted...

Huge red flags. Don't marry her, she's already choosing him over you. Not hard to see her finding another man to crush on who isn't gay.

She told me she felt that way towards him awhile ago. She has chose me ever since, especially after I told her how I felt. I broke up with her that night.

She continuously fights off guys that are attractive because she wants me. I'm confident in that. My only concern is like a previous poster said, and that's being second choice.

Again, haven't felt that way in awhile, but I can't impose that she never speaks to her best friend again. The guy is super cool, so I'm not worried about cheating of any kind.
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Alright man. I wish you well, but get a prenup to protect yourself. You may thank ol Keith in 5 years, divorce is vicious.

Any other routes of advice
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maoriwarrior posted...

ollie89 posted...

I've had girls fall for me before.

It killed the friendship =/

What do you mean?

Would you want someone of the sex you're not attracted to falling in love with you?

theres nothing you can do. The heart loves who it loves. Sometimes it doesnt work out the way you wanted and you have to settle
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Gay men tend to always be more what women want.... but of course, they are people they cannot have. Gay men typically have no expression barriers, so properly grooming themselves and dressing flashy and fun is never something they feel looked down on. From that comes confidence in who they are. From that comes self-care and respect. From that usually comes a well looking and over-all polite guy.

I mean, what straight woman wouldn't want a guy who gives all of that off?
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maoriwarrior posted...

100% gay.

ha
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solosnake posted...

theres nothing you can do. The heart loves who it loves. Sometimes it doesnt work out the way you wanted and you have to settle

So you think she's settling?
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Sayoria posted...

Gay men tend to always be more what women want.... but of course, they are people they cannot have. Gay men typically have no expression barriers, so properly grooming themselves and dressing flashy and fun is never something they feel looked down on. From that comes confidence in who they are. From that comes self-care and respect. From that usually comes a well looking and over-all polite guy.

I mean, what straight woman wouldn't want a guy who gives all of that off?

I do all those things without being gay, so maybe she's legit interested
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maoriwarrior posted...

Sayoria posted...

Gay men tend to always be more what women want.... but of course, they are people they cannot have. Gay men typically have no expression barriers, so properly grooming themselves and dressing flashy and fun is never something they feel looked down on. From that comes confidence in who they are. From that comes self-care and respect. From that usually comes a well looking and over-all polite guy.

I mean, what straight woman wouldn't want a guy who gives all of that off?

I do all those things without being gay, so maybe she's legit interested

Are you saying you'd be okay with calling a man honey? .... Or wearing a feather boa out?

Because gay men seriously have like.... nearly no barriers when it comes to this stuff.
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maoriwarrior posted...

solosnake posted...

theres nothing you can do. The heart loves who it loves. Sometimes it doesnt work out the way you wanted and you have to settle

So you think she's settling?

We all do in some capacity. There's really no way to be 100% sure of someone's intentions or feelings, so it's pretty much something you have to take for granted.

As far as this girl and her gay bff, go, it's hard to say since I don't know how long you two have been together. It could simply be that she has a stronger relationship with him at this point. And if it bothers you, you should say something. Pretty much that simple.
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EnragedSlith posted...

maoriwarrior posted...

solosnake posted...

theres nothing you can do. The heart loves who it loves. Sometimes it doesnt work out the way you wanted and you have to settle

So you think she's settling?

We all do in some capacity. There's really no way to be 100% sure of someone's intentions or feelings, so it's pretty much something you have to take for granted.

As far as this girl and her gay bff, go, it's hard to say since I don't know how long you two have been together. It could simply be that she has a stronger relationship with him at this point. And if it bothers you, you should say something. Pretty much that simple.

Good point. I've told her how I felt more or less without just coming straight out and saying it.
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yanksfan4247 posted...

Your gut is telling you to leave. Just leave. This feeling won't go away.

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I'm not doubting she has feelings for you but actions always speak louder than words and you're clearly second best in her heart. I feel like it would be a mistake to marry someone who you're only the runner up to but it's up to you.
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maoriwarrior posted...

So, been seeing this girl for a while.

maoriwarrior posted...

I'm in complete love with this girl

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YourDrunkFather posted...

I'm not doubting she has feelings for you but actions always speak louder than words and you're clearly second best in her heart. I feel like it would be a mistake to marry someone who you're only the runner up to but it's up to you.

And what's the best way to field that out? Just give it more time?
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YourDrunkFather posted...

I'm not doubting she has feelings for you but actions always speak louder than words and you're clearly second best in her heart. I feel like it would be a mistake to marry someone who you're only the runner up to but it's up to you.

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The posts in this topic are making this a little more complicated than it really is.


I'm about to bet all the money in the world this post will be modded cuz its not PC to state facts of reality that are unpleasant, but when it comes to women there are certain things that are pretty much stereotypes or tropes that happen to be true for alot of women. Reverse psychology working too well on alot of them, and in this case, women always want something more when they know they can't have it. The ultimate form of that is a gay guy. There are women that literally go to gay clubs and try and turn gay guys straight, cuz in their minds its like the ultimate accomplishment and it'd be like a trophy to show off to every other woman they know (since women are insanely competitive with one another usually)


I have a good personal story regarding this: I was messing around with this girl for some months, we both didn't want anything serious so it was like fwb kinda stuff. She had a gay bff that lived in the same building a few doors down. One night she (100% sober) tells me she wants to pursue a serious relationship with me (said it on her own i didn't voice any desire for this so it was all her wanting it). I was totally all for it. The gay bff hears about it. Couple days later she texts me telling me the gay guy (he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs) comes out and says he's been in love with her forever etc blah blah blah. Meanwhile, he literally lives with his gay boyfriend, and has cheated on him a bunch of times and has a proven track record of infidelity. Despite her knowing all this, tells me "I haven't decided what i'm going to do" (as in, now our plans are up in the air because this clingy bi cheater ass baby decides he wants her now that she might have someone, even though he lives with his boyfriend and has someone and is a cheating pos anyway)

I flip and bring up his cheating and his lack of commitment and his going back and forth with guys and girls and ask her how she could possibly not be sure how to handle it, to just tell the guy they're friends and she doesnt wanna ruin that, and that I was seriously offended and disrespected i felt that she would legitimately consider him after she just made plans with me to pursue a serious relationship. It should be a no contest that he has no chance because we just made a commitment. She flips at me like hardcore like i'm the bad guy, then tries to act like she's gonna choose neither of us cuz she doesn't wanna be the bad guy. I'm just like yeah sorry you kinda just showed me how little you think of me that you were pondering just kicking me off to the side for a cheating bi dude that has all sorts of emotional and mental baggage, i'm out. She doesnt hit me up later to apologize or anything of the sort. In her mind her behavior is acceptable.

I come to see later she did end up getting with him, and literally got pregnant with his kid (this chick was a hardcore conservative girl, obsessed with safe sex and birth control, she was on the pill and still insisted on condoms and like vehemently defended it. Meanwhile second she lands her gay trophy guy she's immediately making sure she gets knocked up in the hopes he doesn't stray like he known to)


Moral of the story, some women have a very unusual hard on for gay guys, and have fantasies about turning them straight. In any relationship, you and your spouse should be each others #1 best friend. The fact that she seems to pay more attention to him than you, is a huge red flag. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words and her actions are saying quite alot. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, some women do this thing where they have multiple guys in their lives for different reasons/uses. To fill different needs (which i think is fucked and sociopathic). Shes trying to have it both ways. Not many women would tolerate a similar situation with the roles reversed.
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@GAMER_X

Thanks for the story man. She doesn't spend more time with him whatsoever, actually, now that I think about it, she has spent nearly 99% of her time with me since she met me.

Every once in a while she'll say she misses chilling with him or whatever but it's not daily.
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GAMER_X posted...

(he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs)

Shut the fuck up
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apolloooo posted...

3 some is the answer

put it in her butt while he puts it in your butt
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teepan95 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

(he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs)

Shut the fuck up

You know the guy? His history and issues? No? Then you can be the one to shut up, thanks.
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maoriwarrior posted...

@GAMER_X

Thanks for the story man. She doesn't spend more time with him whatsoever, actually, now that I think about it, she has spent nearly 99% of her time with me since she met me.

Every once in a while she'll say she misses chilling with him or whatever but it's not daily.

Hope everything works out then
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I'm confident she text him more then me, but check this out.

She sends him screenshots of our conversations, and vice versa. I just read some texts between her and him where she says she's never felt this way with anyone else and how everything is so right (much more romantically and to the point). She even told him that she doesn't deserve me in any way shape or form.

The feelings are there, which totally helps.
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Just sit down and talk to her but I know you won't take that advice
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E32005 posted...

Just sit down and talk to her but I know you won't take that advice

I will if the feeling persists or when it's a good time.
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GAMER_X posted...

teepan95 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

(he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs)

Shut the fuck up

You know the guy? His history and issues? No? Then you can be the one to shut up, thanks.

Your originally quoted statement makes it sound like you are condemning the very idea of bisexuality, but your response makes it sound like you are condemning this individuals identity as bisexual. Either way it really isn't a good look for you. Feel free to call the guy a cheating POS and all that, but don't condemn the idea of bisexuality either in the cheating POS or other bisexual people.

A 100% gay guy would have never wanted to sleep with your girlfriend from a purely sexual viewpoint. I guess he could be 100% gay and want to sleep with her to cause drama and whatnot, but that'd obviously be for reasons beyond sexual.

I'm bisexual and have been dealing with this crap for a long time. Gay people think I'm straight and straight people think I'm gay. Sometimes I'll get people who just refer to me as bisexual, but that really isn't the norm. At this point, I've learned to not disclose my bisexuality to anyone until I've known them for a long time. I usually don't even disclose that type of information to people I am dating. Well not in the early stages at least.
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TommyG663513 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

teepan95 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

(he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs)

Shut the fuck up

You know the guy? His history and issues? No? Then you can be the one to shut up, thanks.

Your originally quoted statement makes it sound like you are condemning the very idea of bisexuality, but your response makes it sound like you are condemning this individuals identity as bisexual. Either way it really isn't a good look for you. Feel free to call the guy a cheating POS and all that, but don't condemn the idea of bisexuality either in the cheating POS or other bisexual people.

A 100% gay guy would have never wanted to sleep with your girlfriend from a purely sexual viewpoint. I guess he could be 100% gay and want to sleep with her to cause drama and whatnot, but that'd obviously be for reasons beyond sexual.

I'm bisexual and have been dealing with this crap for a long time. Gay people think I'm straight and straight people think I'm gay. Sometimes I'll get people who just refer to me as bisexual, but that really isn't the norm. At this point, I've learned to not disclose my bisexuality to anyone until I've known them for a long time. I usually don't even disclose that type of information to people I am dating. Well not in the early stages at least.

She was never my gf, thank god

But I get where you're coming from
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TommyG663513 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

teepan95 posted...

GAMER_X posted...

(he says hes "bi" but come on thats some wanting to have your cake and eat it too bs)

Shut the fuck up

You know the guy? His history and issues? No? Then you can be the one to shut up, thanks.

Your originally quoted statement makes it sound like you are condemning the very idea of bisexuality, but your response makes it sound like you are condemning this individuals identity as bisexual. Either way it really isn't a good look for you. Feel free to call the guy a cheating POS and all that, but don't condemn the idea of bisexuality either in the cheating POS or other bisexual people.

A 100% gay guy would have never wanted to sleep with your girlfriend from a purely sexual viewpoint. I guess he could be 100% gay and want to sleep with her to cause drama and whatnot, but that'd obviously be for reasons beyond sexual.

I'm bisexual and have been dealing with this crap for a long time. Gay people think I'm straight and straight people think I'm gay. Sometimes I'll get people who just refer to me as bisexual, but that really isn't the norm. At this point, I've learned to not disclose my bisexuality to anyone until I've known them for a long time. I usually don't even disclose that type of information to people I am dating. Well not in the early stages at least.

Yeah, this was my issue with the post too. I understand that the guy may have been a complete tool, but the post made it sound like all bisexual people are like that.

Apologies if that wasn't the case :D
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That's sad, especially the part where she was in love with him. I've been burned before in a relationship where my gf was spending too much time around someone she was in love with before and it basically made her lose all interest in me. So for me I could not be with someone in that situation again, even if the guy was gay.
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dump her
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It's cute that you're this trusting and a lot of times that's alright. But sometimes when the girlfriend says she's got a gay guy friend she spends A LOT of time with...he's actually bi/pan/llama/whatever and she knows it. That's the point.

Does this guy ever interact with you too?
Would you consider him a friend or acquaintance to you as well?
Obviously he's not going to automatically be a BFF with you like he is with her.
The point is does he ever initiate socializing with you? Has he tried?

Because if the answer's no: red flag.

You're his friend's boyfriend, he should want to try socializing with you at some point because you're a part of her life. If he doesn't and he's had plenty of opportunities being in the same room, that's suspicious. I mean maybe he's just super shy, but I've known even shy guys try to say hi to their friend's SO at least once to break ice. And the girlfriend should be doing her part trying to get you guys to chat anyway to make sure these parts of her life are compatible. If she doesn't make a couple attempts...that's strange. Women want to make pieces fit. If they're not trying, something's up.

I'm a legit gay guy with a bf and female friends. I'm also friends with their boyfriends because they're good guys. I alert them when I catch one of the girls straying (just like I would tell the girls if I saw one of their men cheating). You know why? Because I occasionally chat with the boyfriends too. We're on good terms, we interact. You get what I'm saying?

If this dude doesn't interact with you at all or at least invite you along to hang out as her bf once in a while and only wants to spend time with her



Now a red flag doesn't absolutely mean the worst is happening. It's just a sign to check on. A lot of the situation could be nothing more than coincidence. Maybe the guy really is gay and they're just friends. If he's already friendly with you, that sounds good. But do your job as the boyfriend and get to know her friends at least on a basic level so you get some of those lingering questions answered without having to start an argument. Get some interaction in there, be sociable. That is your job if you want relationship security, do it. The possibility of making friends with them too is just a bonus. You should be able to do all of that without making drama or pissing off the gf. 2 birds, 1 stone. That's what you have to get in the habit of doing if you want to keep a relationship running.

I got my own work cut out for me sometimes keeping guy whores away from my man and fidelity is a challenge as is among gay men. I know wtf I'm talking about. We're going on 3.5 years living together without an open relationship. For gay men living near a city in the US, that's impressive. You don't get that by avoiding your SO's social circle. You dive into it. You have to.
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SAF
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I could never be happy being someone's second choice. I probably wouldn't immediately end it, but I would make preparations and eventually move on. There's nothing worse than feeling less important than someone else to the person you love most.
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