Poll of the Day > Do people just use marriage as a way to start over?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I was just wondering. I know a lot of people who say they lose friends when they get married, which was always a weird thing. I don't think I've ever lost a friend because they got married, or a relative. And I definitely wouldn't lose them if I decided to get married. Some even say it's because of their spouse, which really weirds me out, as well...

But then I thought about it. Maybe they are using it to start over or something. Like change their whole life or something. I guess I just wanted to ask some married people or something...
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Yes and no? I didn't get married specifically to start over, I got married to be with the person I never want to live without. But that did also involve starting over and changing my life a great deal. And I'm glad it changed and it needed to change. But... Married for love.
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That is the mindset of some people in a problem relationships, a marriage will be like a fresh start, and fix the problems they have

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Moonjay posted...

Yes and no? I didn't get married specifically to start over, I got married to be with the person I never want to live without. But that did also involve starting over and changing my life a great deal. And I'm glad it changed and it needed to change. But... Married for love.

I guess that makes sense. I think I've heard parts of this before. I don't remember which topic, though. I think it might have been a topic about meeting people through online gaming, though...

Ogurisama posted...

That is the mindset of some people in a problem relationships, a marriage will be like a fresh start, and fix the problems they have

Like how some people think having a kid will fix the failing relationship?
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I've probably mentioned before that I met Zang on AOL on a message board for Lunar Silver Star Story. :P
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I'd imagine some folk see it as a fresh start. Some folk do also think having a kid fixes a relationship too. I personally don't see any of these things.
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My best friend got married 2 years ago. I think I've only seen him twice since.

Marriage, or more specifically, having children, changes people.
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wwinterj25 posted...

I'd imagine some folk see it as a fresh start. Some folk do also think having a kid fixes a relationship too. I personally don't see any of these things.

I agree. I think having a kid does nothing to fix anything. And can end up causing more problems, due to now throwing a kid into the mix... Though =, I don't blame the kid or anything.

faramir77 posted...

My best friend got married 2 years ago. I think I've only seen him twice since.

Marriage, or more specifically, having children, changes people.

Yeah. I guess. But couldn't you call and try to just hang out? Like, you don't have to make a day out of it. Just like a visit to chat and catch up or something...
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Really...at the end of the day it's a bunch of people all chiming in with their own perception of what the problem is and the solutions....we can only know ourselves to the best of our abilities.
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Moonjay posted...

I've probably mentioned before that I met Zang on AOL on a message board for Lunar Silver Star Story. :P

I met my wife on Literotica and adult message board back in 97 lol. I believe we were one of the first couples to meet online and actually get married:)

I wasn't even flirting (on purpose), she was tying someone to a mast (virutally) and I offered to be the rope. That interested her and the rest was history.
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Yes and no is the best way to put it. I used it to start over, as the friends I had weren't true friends thanks to drugs. I have used it to get my life in order, going back to school and stop working in dead end jobs. Got a house and have had numerous cars

People automatically assume I'm busy even when I tell them when I can hang out because I'm married. I don't have a lot of friends now but I know the ones I have now are actually friends.

Had people just forget I existed after getting married and changing. People do change I know. Just so stupid to me to change just because they are married

LinkPizza posted...

I was just wondering. I know a lot of people who say they lose friends when they get married, which was always a weird thing. I don't think I've ever lost a friend because they got married, or a relative. And I definitely wouldn't lose them if I decided to get married. Some even say it's because of their spouse, which really weirds me out, as well...

It's not so much losing friends as it's a person's life going in a different direction. It's more like when someone moves a couple states away or more.
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LinkPizza posted...

I was just wondering. I know a lot of people who say they lose friends when they get married, which was always a weird thing. I don't think I've ever lost a friend because they got married, or a relative. And I definitely wouldn't lose them if I decided to get married. Some even say it's because of their spouse, which really weirds me out, as well...

But then I thought about it. Maybe they are using it to start over or something. Like change their whole life or something. I guess I just wanted to ask some married people or something...

I've never lost a friend due to someone getting married, but it usually means seeing less of them. When you get to the stage that you are true domestic partners with someone, living together, shared finances, etc. You simply don't have as much free or social time to spend with friends.
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I did lose contact with several friends when I got married for a few months because I was obsessed with my husband. The important ones just waited though.

I've lost far more friends to time.
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CTLM posted...

Yes and no is the best way to put it. I used it to start over, as the friends I had weren't true friends thanks to drugs. I have used it to get my life in order, going back to school and stop working in dead end jobs. Got a house and have had numerous cars

People automatically assume I'm busy even when I tell them when I can hang out because I'm married. I don't have a lot of friends now but I know the ones I have now are actually friends.

Had people just forget I existed after getting married and changing. People do change I know. Just so stupid to me to change just because they are married

Youre sounds a little different. But thats because you didnt have real friends to begin with, as you put it. So, that makes sense. But I guess I was talking about close friends...

AllstarSniper32 posted...

It's not so much losing friends as it's a person's life going in a different direction. It's more like when someone moves a couple states away or more.

Moving is one thing. And I understand that. Im talking about stuff like when all parties still live in town. Especially on base. Now, I do understand being on different shifts makes it hard. Near impossible, sometimes. But being on the same shift and having the same days off makes it easier. But then both parties just assume they cant hang out because one is married... Though sometimes, after the other ones gets married, they can hang out again. Or if the first one got a divorce...

ultra magnus13 posted...

I've never lost a friend due to someone getting married, but it usually means seeing less of them. When you get to the stage that you are true domestic partners with someone, living together, shared finances, etc. You simply don't have as much free or social time to spend with friends.

I do understand seeing less of a person. Personally, I usually dont, as I dont really see a reason to see them less. But I do understand seeing them a little less than normal.

Moonjay posted...

I did lose contact with several friends when I got married for a few months because I was obsessed with my husband. The important ones just waited though.

I've lost far more friends to time.

I think the important friends are the ones who would wait. Usually, they seem to understand you more. And want you to be happy.
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faramir77 posted...

Marriage, or more specifically, having children, changes people.

I must know the wrong(or right?) people then as I can't tell any difference with folk I know who have had kids. I don't know anyone who got married in the time I've known them but they have found relationships and again nothing really changed on the way they socialise. Of course a new person(or more) is introduced into the mix but I wouldn't say that's major from a outsiders point of view. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
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wwinterj25 posted...

faramir77 posted...

Marriage, or more specifically, having children, changes people.

I must know the wrong(or right?) people then as I can't tell any difference with folk I know who have had kids. I don't know anyone who got married in the time I've known them but they have found relationships and again nothing really changed on the way they socialise. Of course a new person(or more) is introduced into the mix but I wouldn't say that's major from a outsiders point of view. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

I feel the same as you. My friends back home got married, and nothing changed. I just seem to notice it more with other people...
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LinkPizza posted...

Moving is one thing.

I wasn't saying it is moving, that it's like moving. When someone moves, they can't really hang out with people from their past because of distance. And getting married can be kinda like that because when you're married it's likely you're not always going to want to do the same things you did when you were single. And you're probably going to spend your time with people you meet who are in similar situations (being married).

It changes from couple to couple but a lot of times, when someone finds an SO they tend to want to spend more time with them, which means less time with other people. Of course people getting married and still hanging out does happen and can work. I've seen enough parties where everyone there was a married couple.
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AllstarSniper32 posted...

LinkPizza posted...

Moving is one thing.

I wasn't saying it is moving, that it's like moving. When someone moves, they can't really hang out with people from their past because of distance. And getting married can be kinda like that because when you're married it's likely you're not always going to want to do the same things you did when you were single. And you're probably going to spend your time with people you meet who are in similar situations (being married).

It changes from couple to couple but a lot of times, when someone finds an SO they tend to want to spend more time with them, which means less time with other people. Of course people getting married and still hanging out does happen and can work. I've seen enough parties where everyone there was a married couple.

You don't have to always do the same thing. But they act like meeting for a half hour or less to chat about life and catch up on a day off is impossible for the sole fact that they are married. And never an actual reason like they're busy, or working, or spending time with family...

And I do see married couples hanging out with other married couples. Some even seem to ditch friends until they're married. Like not hanging out with your best friend anymore because you're married and their not. Then as soon as they get married, they start hanging out like normal again. Which is kind of weird...
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For me, going out was a single guy thing. I still see my friends but going out multiple nights during the week doesn't happen anymore. I was also the last of my friends to get married and getting married definitely changes your life schedule.
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SunWuKung420 posted...

For me, going out was a single guy thing. I still see my friends but going out multiple nights during the week doesn't happen anymore. I was also the last of my friends to get married and getting married definitely changes your life schedule.

I would say go out every night or anything. Like once or twice a month to catch seems like an impossible task...
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LinkPizza posted...

SunWuKung420 posted...

For me, going out was a single guy thing. I still see my friends but going out multiple nights during the week doesn't happen anymore. I was also the last of my friends to get married and getting married definitely changes your life schedule.

I would say go out every night or anything. Like once or twice a month to catch seems like an impossible task...

Sometimes there isn't anything to catch up about. A major point of marriage is stability. I saw some friends last night, it had been a few months since we'd been together and everything is the same, which is a good thing.
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SunWuKung420 posted...

LinkPizza posted...

SunWuKung420 posted...

For me, going out was a single guy thing. I still see my friends but going out multiple nights during the week doesn't happen anymore. I was also the last of my friends to get married and getting married definitely changes your life schedule.

I would say go out every night or anything. Like once or twice a month to catch seems like an impossible task...

Sometimes there isn't anything to catch up about. A major point of marriage is stability. I saw some friends last night, it had been a few months since we'd been together and everything is the same, which is a good thing.

That's good. But you still got to see them. You don't only have to go to catch up. It's just good to see friends every once in a while... Also, you can get that same stability from a good relationship, even without marriage...
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I don't believe having kids or getting married really changes things on the drifting apart from people front. That happens regardless at times for many reasons. However it's also very much possible to not let that happen in most cases. I think the people you have in your life are the ones that actually want to be a part of it for the most part and that takes work like any relationship.
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I don't think I've ever heard it put that way before. "Starting over".

However, in relation, I HAVE seen people get married and suddenly stop hanging out with their single friends.

It might be very subtle at first, but eventually it becomes blatantly obvious what's happening.

They don't like hanging out with their single friends as much, and prefer to hang out with other married couples. Dinner dates. Movie nights. Vacations and stuff. A bunch of married friends all together.

Which they are totally allowed to do! Don't get me wrong! But they definitely left all their single friends in the dust. And that's kinda troubling.

But when they need someone to watch their dogs or something, or help them move, or pack up stuff, etc.....they call their single friends for slave labor.

I was at a little get-together where my best friend was renewing his wedding vows a few years back, and this was one of the surprisingly RARE get-togethers where there was an assortment of single and married people present. I will never forget a very particular observation I made. One of my friends was single, and this married couple was meeting him for the first time. Very nice guy. And another friend of mine they had never met was married. They took much more interest in the married guy, and asked all these questions about his wife, how they met, where they are from, if they'd like to do a double date sometime, etc.

And I was just like.....holy shit. What??? You just completely overlooked the guy who was single like he was completely invalid in your eyes.

Just honed right in on the guy who was married. "OHH!? YOU'RE MARRIED!!!! ONE OF US!!! ONE OF US!!!!! LET'S HANG OUT!?!?! LET ME SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR WIFE!?!? OMG!!!!"

It was kinda fucked up.

Real subtle. And maybe the average person wouldn't think much of it. But it really stood out to me.

Married people alienate others.
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*Some married people alienate others.

My husband and I have always been open to friendship with anyone decent and nice. Married, unmarried, kids, no kids... Heck I'll be friends with a mom AND her kids.
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