Current Events > resurfacing anxiety/contempt regarding well-off partner

(+) Yeah! (+)

a few months ago it boiled over and i vented about it here. my partner is very successful and makes a lot of money. he's not in the stratosphere or anything but i would say he's more successful than most people, by a lot

back then i had building resentment that stemmed from me being unwilling to empathize with those of significantly greater means than i. i didnt think they had any right to complain about anything, and i didnt think their problems mattered

i have been trying to internalize that problems are not a zero sum game. just because guy A was stabbed and guy B had his arm blown off, doesnt mean guy A should shut the fuck up and deal with it

well we're moving in together this year, but in the interim he lost his old place and is renting a new one now. a highrise apartment with extremely large, spacious rooms, remote control blinds, lights, fireplace, a whole bunch of things

i am in something of a crisis. i can so easily picture a future together, i love him and i want that

however all thats playing in my mind is "you cannot be with someone this successful, you are from another world and he is in a world you loathe at worst and want no part of at best"

im visiting in two weeks to help him retrieve his things and move them in, i dont know.how im going to handle that

last year when he showed me where he grew up i actually got dizzy and nauseous from like, financial culture shock or something

ive made big strides in therapy thus far, but its reared up so hard lately. i have a couple more sessions before the trip at least

christ man

This sounds like a common movie trope. Just research movies like that.

life isnt movies

this is such a stupid problem, why cant i just be happy for him about this

Have you tried consulting with a professional about this?

Why don't you want to be a part of a world of luxury and nice things?

There's nothing wrong with them, and no reason why you shouldn't.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Have you tried consulting with a professional about this?

yes, as i mentioned. thank you for your concern

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

my real issue is i dont want to be a part of that. i dont want excess, i cant justify it. i associate most with a very spartan life

Does he love you sincerely back? If you are confidently saying yes i think you should put those thoughts aside and stop putting yourself down! I have heard bits here and there of your topics on the situation vaguely but it feels like youre scared that youre taking a risk and it seems too good to be true for you, its not! Nice people deserve happiness and if you have an opportunity to be really happy with a few doubts that something is going wrong you weigh the situation in and if you think youre mostly gonna be happier in the long run go for it and if youre nervous just do it anyway whats the worse outcome? You should have a backup in case something does happen like the possibility you cant stay with him idk but its not gonna be a situation you cant back out of if you really do hate living with him right? I say do it and if you do find it hard then is the time to back out

super_felicia posted...

Does he love you sincerely back? If you are confidently saying yes i think you should put those thoughts aside and stop putting yourself down! I have heard bits here and there of your topics on the situation vaguely but it feels like youre scared that youre taking a risk and it seems too good to be true for you, its not! Nice people deserve happiness and if you have an opportunity to be really happy with a few doubts that something is going wrong you weigh the situation in and if you think youre mostly gonna be happier in the long run go for it and if youre nervous just do it anyway whats the worse outcome? You should have a backup in case something does happen like the possibility you cant stay with him idk but its not gonna be a situation you cant back out of if you really do hate living with him right? I say do it and if you do find it hard then is the time to back out

its a difference of philosophy and outlook. its not that i dont deserve nice things or anything like that. its that i do not like it, i do not like the excess, i do not think anyone needs a highrise suite

currently, if he prefers our place be any degree of lavish, and i live there in it with him, i will hate myself

Dungeater posted...

yes, as i mentioned. thank you for your concern

Whoops. My bad totally missed the last part.

Have you discussed this issue with your partner too?

I can relate somewhat. Its something I think might be good to discuss with him directly.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

yeah thats part of it. and its like, either rationalize it away, or sellout and be complicit

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Have you discussed this issue with your partner too?

yes

Dungeater posted...

well we're moving in together this year, but in the interim he lost his old place and is renting a new one now. a highrise apartment with extremely large, spacious rooms, remote control blinds, lights, fireplace, a whole bunch of things

What kind of rent are we taking about here?

Dungeater posted...

its a difference of philosophy and outlook. its not that i dont deserve nice things or anything like that. its that i do not like it, i do not like the excess, i do not think anyone needs a highrise suite

currently, if he prefers our place be any degree of lavish, and i live there in it with him, i will hate myself

Ah I understand better now.
well you are very thoughtful and considerate I would not give as much thought as living as lavishly if I had the opportunity to tbh. I understand your view i think, example getting a fancy ornament thats only expensive cos of how rare or highly produced the materials are and stuff like that. Its wasteful but I dont think itd bother me as much as itd bother you I think you should try it out anyway with him if you think your bond is good. I dont have a solid solution to this though it just depends on how much you want to stay in contact and move in vs your feelings

yea

have you expressed that a life of (what you consider to be) "excess" bothers you / makes you uncomfortable?

he said he picked this place because he knows i want something very modest when we move in together, and since this is his last place before that, he wanted to enjoy it in this way

it's good that he is open to making you comfortable. good luck with all of this stuff, OP.

id like to get a place that makes us both happy. if that doesnt exist, i would prefer i be the first to compromise. i dont want to feel like he's capitulating to a worse life cuz of my feelings or anything

Empathy would help with that issue

You didnt consider this before getting into a relationship with someone well off like that?

I mean, fuck, if anything, you should be happy being with someone who doesnt care if youre less well off than they are.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

i dont know

apocalyptic_4 posted...

Empathy would help with that issue

rexcrk posted...

You didnt consider this before getting into a relationship with someone well off like that?

I mean, fuck, if anything, you should be happy being with someone who doesnt care if youre less well off than they are.

thanks

Lasting relationships are all about compromise. If you care for each other that much, there's nothing stopping you from being able to land in a place where you can both feel comfortable and respected.

im mostly just really anxious about the upcoming trip. i dont want to be living above a bunch of people. i dont want to be the only slob in a building full of rich young professionals making well north of 6 figures

i can think of no less comfortable environment

the desert, i guess

i want a smoke real bad

man i wish i didnt care about this

Dungeater posted...

this is such a stupid problem

Not at all! Your issues are valid and its a healthy thing or good sign to be addressing this I think.

Maybe you can balance a minimalist lifestyle on your part with his lifestyle as well, find a middle ground perhaps somewhere.

Hope things work out good =)

i appreciate it. its just been tough lately

Dungeater posted...

i appreciate it. its just been tough lately

Moving to a new home and living together, thats a big change and can be a lot to deal with or process.

And it sounds like he is doing good by you to give consideration about this for your lifestyle, its important for how we feel, and have to live with ourselves at the end of the day to sleep good.

And this is an opportunity for you to choose how you will live and have more of a hand in shaping that environment and lifestyle.

so he told me to bring my bathing suit, which is great cuz ive been wanting to try it out for like almost a year now

then he was like yeah check out the facility pool and bruh its all glowing and pristine and shit and heated. i cant be the only slob in a building full of a richies AND the only gender non-conforming person at THEIR pool

what were they THINKING

dancing toothless

I get the feeling. For me (I'm a janitor and the majority of my non-work friends earn well over 6 figures) it's about feeling inadequate. Like, they would want to go to a fancy place to eat. For them, it's a drop in the bucket, for me, it's eating nothing but cheap ramen for two weeks cause it'll devastate me financially. I know I could have said no to the initial offers, and they were doing it to be polite and enjoy my company, but it becomes emotionally draining constantly looking at your bank account and stressing because you want to hang out with friends.

All that to say, I've married a woman who is upper-middle class who respects what I can and cannot pay for. We had a talk long ago about how the place we rented originally was outside my financial ability. We agreed on a split where I gave her 80% of my paycheck to put down on rent/bills/food, while she gave me access to her credit card. To off-set the financial disparity, I do the cooking and cleaning around our place. She works long hours, so it works out.

You gotta be open and honest about how you feel. But you also have to be willing to allow your partner to pamper you with nice things and not feel guilty about it. It took a while, but I eventually got there.

Final point, high rises aren't a show of excess wealth, more than they are a sustainable way to have more humans in a smaller area. It's better for the environment.

Eat_More_Beef posted...

Final point, high rises aren't a show of excess wealth, more than they are a sustainable way to have more humans in a smaller area. It's better for the environment.

like 20 people could comfortably live in that apartment

u should see his rent