Current Events > Getting real sick of my fiancees shit

(+) Yeah! (+)

I've had 4 jobs since we've been together, and every time I'm looking for something new it's all negativity from her. She's never once been excited or supportive of anything I want to do.

- Applied for and got a position as Director of HR for a fortune 500 company. "Are you qualified for that?" Got laid off

- Took a temp position as a loadout operator which led to a customer service/logistics position "Will you be happy/able to do that?" Moved to a different state in 2020 due to job uncertainty

- another temp to hire position quoting prototype PCBs "Are you qualified or educated enough to do that? You don't know shit about computers?" Took a diff job because the company was hemmoraghing money

- Took a position as a DSP which turned into a Service Coordinator position "You're not trained to do that, they're not going to let just anyone work in mental health." Got fired as retaliation for insisting we move a client to a higher level of care because he was a danger to himself and the community

I applied and got accepted for college to finish my degree. Same thing: "Are you going to be able to that? I'd hate to see you just sit onnthe couch playing video games instead of doing your coursework"

Just had a big fight about it and I'm about done. Called her out and asked "you don't fucking think much of me, do you? Literally everything I do is for us and to better my life and ours, and it's ALWAYS negativity and dissaproval." The irony being when I met her she had been working at Starbucks for ten years with no prospects of anything better. I encouraged and supported her in finding something better and she now makes $54k in the medical field.

Not sure what I'm expecting from this topic but I'm drunk and needing to vent

What do you love about her?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I'm asking him an honest question in the hopes he'll answer thoughtfully. Don't turn things insulting and combative.

Villain_S_Fiend posted...

What do you love about her?

She's witty and funny and the polar opposite of my ex wife who was a harpy. Ironically though my ex was waaaay more supportive

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Rude but not inaccurate

Yeah that's a bit of a red flag to not have a supportive partner. How often is she like this? Can you elaborate?

What are your downsides, TC?

Thud posted...

She's witty and funny and the polar opposite of my ex wife

Those seem pretty nebulous. Any qualities that are unique to her (in your experience) that you love?

Arcanine2009 posted...

Yeah that's a bit of a red flag to not have a supportive partner. How often is she like this? Can you elaborate?

Basically any time I try to improve myself or make any major decisions like in the OP. I've always been able to provide and pull my weight when between jobs so it's not like she's pissed that she's supporting us financially because that's not the case. But basically anything I do she makes me feel stupid for doing it: bought a new car so o don't have to borrow hers while I'm working on my old one, she hated it. Everytime I want to do a project for the house she's against it (building a deck, renovating a room etc) because "can you do that?". Got a new puppy after my old dog passed and she was totally against it ("my dog died and I have nothing thatloves me unconditionally and I need someone to sleep and cuddle with". Irony being when her dog passed and she got a new one I was supportive).

Idk its just a lot of little things adding uo

Dragon56 posted...

What are your downsides, TC?

Fair. I am quick to anger once things boil over but don't like punch drywall or get physical. I'm very pessimistic and somewhat nihilistic while depressed. I'm a huge procrastinator but always get shit done. I start a lot of projects but tend to lose interest at about 90% completion. I (used to) smoke weed pretty much constantly but so does she and if anything it made me more pleasant to be around

You sound like me somewhat.

I would say there's a possibility she is simply trying to communicate her concerns but doesn't know to gently word it, doesn't know what being supportive looks like. If she's saying what you quoted verbatim, then yeah, that's pretty negative and unsupportive. But if you were paraphrasing... maybe she's being supportive in a different way.

Don't gaslight yourself, but maybe you two need to have a talk about this.

Because if this weren't your fiancee, I'd be advising you to leave (internet stranger opinions are important)

The first example isn't really her fault. If you got laid off it's either the employers fault or yours. On the others I feel you. Also it seems like you were too soft due to actually being a good, loving supportive partner, or got played and she kept you around so she could use you as a stepping stone to help her rise up, and now that she has hers she doesn't care about you as much anymore. Anyway this stuff is toxic and she needs to change or you need to probably detach and eventually cut it off.

Villain_S_Fiend posted...

Those seem pretty nebulous. Any qualities that are unique to her (in your experience) that you love?

Villain_S_Fiend posted...

Those seem pretty nebulous. Any qualities that are unique to her (in your experience) that you love?

I guess her independence and artistic/creative nature. Specifically she would be just fine without me or any man in her life. My ex was basically helpless and couldn't do anything for herself and had zero ambition or drive and was a giant hippy and extremely naive. My fiancee doesn't need another person to entertain herself or find pleasure in life if that all makes sense. I knew I really liked her our first date when the waiter brought me my food first (we already ordered drinks) and I said "wow now I look like a giant asshole here and she pushed her drink my way and said "well you'll need this then let's complete the look" that's the wit I'm talking about. My ex would've literally cried.

Cruciferous posted...

You sound like me somewhat.

I would say there's a possibility she is simply trying to communicate her concerns but doesn't know to gently word it, doesn't know what being supportive looks like. If she's saying what you quoted verbatim, then yeah, that's pretty negative and unsupportive. But if you were paraphrasing... maybe she's being supportive in a different way.

Don't gaslight yourself, but maybe you two need to have a talk about this.

Because if this weren't your fiancee, I'd be advising you to leave (internet stranger opinions are important)

That's entirely possible, I'm her first serious relationship so maybe she doesn't know how to do it like you say and I'm overreacting. She didn't disagree when I called her out on it tonight, but damn, she's got me feeling stupid and not even wanting to go through with classes now at this point

Maybe you weren't qualified for a couple of those jobs since they didn't work out? She could be trying to take a realistic approach so you land a steady job. I don't see why she'd maliciously discourage you from trying to make money.

Cruciferous posted...

I would say there's a possibility she is simply trying to communicate her concerns but doesn't know to gently word it, doesn't know what being supportive looks like.

Something like this most likely.

A lot of people just don't know how to communicate their anxiety over issues effectively. Many aren't even capable of identifying why those issues make them uncomfortable. Like she's probably not a bad person or anything, but her tool kit is limited here so it's very frustrating for her and you. That's a long struggle that she'd be better off working on, but you may just need to accept.

It's "smaller" issues like this where a lot of folks would definitely benefit from talking to a therapist. She's not a horrible/broken person without that help but it sure af would probably make a lot of things easier.

Thud posted...

That's entirely possible, I'm her first serious relationship so maybe she doesn't know how to do it like you say and I'm overreacting. She didn't disagree when I called her out on it tonight, but damn, she's got me feeling stupid and not even wanting to go through with classes now at this point

If she didn't get all huffy and puffy and defensive about it, then yeah, I'd say there's some positive there.

You really should just have a serious sit down convo about it. Just express how you feel about it, don't offer solutions or ask her to change. Just say how you feel.

That's always the best way to start approaching a problem. You can figure out a compromise after.

IMO anyway

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/3/36892e6b.jpg

Number090684 posted...

The first example isn't really her fault. If you got laid off it's either the employers fault or yours.

To clarify she was being negative when I applied for it, the job was posted as entry level HR and they were willing to train and I had management experience. I got laid off because they eliminated the position to save money, they straight up told me it was because of Trumps tariffs on Chinese steel etc (we were a manufacturing company). I held it for a year and a half and they moved me to customer service but it was not a good fit, the CS manager was someone I'd had to counsel numerous times for her attitude so yeah, she had no interest in helping me succeed and I didn't like the CS position.

LeoRavus posted...

Maybe you weren't qualified for a couple of those jobs since they didn't work out? She could be trying to take a realistic approach so you land a steady job. I don't see why she'd maliciously discourage you from trying to make money.

I've never been fired for like straight up incompetence, one was a layoff, one I picked my battle and eventually lost even though it was the right thing to do, and two I quit with notice. I also don't know why she would discourage me, I've always moved up on the payscale so idk

How much chemistry in the bedroom

How her ass

She's projecting her own insecurities by conveying her concerns in the wrong way. It's fair for her to want to act like a parent and weather expectations. Perhaps she's had parents and family member who have burned her before, and doesn't want the same thing to happen to you.

However, she's not turning these concerns into constructive criticism. The questions you listed that she said come off as passive aggressive nagging. You should tell her that. Instead of asking those questions, she can perhaps help to research what qualifications are PREFERRED (not just needed) for a particular job, and to support helping you get those qualifications.

Where the fuck are you getting all these interesting and unique job opportunities, is what I want to know

If you're drunk don't let it bother you now

My wife was like this, we are now separated and possibly getting divorced. It's really tiring when the person you sign up being life partners with beats you down and is hard pressed on not giving you any Ws. The world is already doing that there's no need to have your partner do it as well.

I'd consider counseling. One up to break things off and get out while you still can. Sounds like you're really out here trying and fuck it if she can't see it that way.

Honestly, bro, counseling would be the best bet. If not, just break up. Sometimes things just don't work out.