Current Events > My wife passed away July 2023 utilizing MAID. Grief and Healing is a journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Welcome to my healing journey CE! Thanks for those who have been on the ride since before she passed away. These topics have been absolutely critical to my healing and it seems that others have joined in the healing, sharing their own grief stories, and working together to be better today than we were yesterday.

For those who have not yet dipped their toes into my journey, my wife passed away on July 17th, 2023. She passed away utilizing the MAID program in Canada (Medical Assistance in Death).

To make a very long medical journey short, she had multiple medical conditions that made her life just not something she wanted to continue living. It is important to note that she was already dying, and that death would have been cruel. I will discuss it here briefly to give some context.

Ehlors Danlos - A degenerative connective tissue syndrome which causes your joints, limbs, and organs to rip and tear. There is no cure nor really any sort of significant treatment options right now. Most people who have bad Ehlors Danlos eventually have a trip or fall that causes one of their major organs to rupture and thus pass away. There are degrees of how bad it can be. My wife's specialist in a prognosis update in July stated that my wife had one of the most debilitating experiences of Ehlors Danlos he had ever seen. My wife had a pacemaker installed in her early 20's due most likely to Ehlors Danlos. The only real treatment that exists is pain management, which was impossible due to...

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome - Mast Cells are what are responsible in your body for allergic reactions. Basically, my wife's Mast Cells were in constant overdrive. She would have allergic reactions to most things. We could not use laundry detergent, most types of soap, she could barely eat anything and eventually towards the end of her life was on an all-liquid diet. This also impacted her ability to use medication and her body could only tolerate Tylenol near the end of her life, which did basically nothing. She tried literally hundreds of different medications, almost all of which caused her allergic reactions.

Long Covid - What prompted us to even discuss MAID in the first place was when we both, in September of 2022, got COVID. I had to be off work for a week and during that week my wife sat me down and told me what her day to day life was like and that outside of the time we spent together, her life was misery. I recovered from COVID fairly well with no linger side-effects, my wife had weakness and breathing problems that stayed until she passed away.

She had a multitude of other things that came as a result of the medical problems. Lots of mental health tied into it, from a sexually and physically abusive upbringing to being gaslit by the medical field, from a mother struggling with bi-polar, being a rape survivor... just kinda had a rough go of it for most of her life. I met her right as her health started to seriously decline. She would apologize to me almost daily for me being "forced" to take care of her as these conditions materialized, worsened, and eventually made her life not something she wanted to continue.

In September of 2022 she let me know her intention to use the MAID program. She gave me an out then, and many days after that. She told me she understood if I didn't want to literally watch her die. I told her there was no way in hell she would ever do this alone and that the last thing she would ever see is the face of her loving husband as she got to say goodbye to her pain and suffering. It's hard to watch the person you love most in this world die. It's hard to watch her suffer. But spending time with her? Sharing in her world? It was as natural as breathing to me.

The journey wasn't easy. She was declined here in Saskatchewan where we live... a province we were ALWAYS gaslit in about her health. It was so much easier for doctors to just assume my wife was somatic and that her problems were mental health related. We had to go see a specialist in Alberta to get her Ehlors Danlos and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome properly diagnosed. Even then, doctors here would question those diagnoses and claim that they didn't believe her. We contacted Dying with Dignity who told us to reach out to a doctor in BC who helped CREATE the law.

She spoke with my wife over Zoom and in a 45 minute conversation with her and looking at her medical history, agreed that she could use MAID. We needed to find a second doctor who would do it... and due to some legal challenges (that won't go anywhere but are still annoying), none of her colleagues were willing to see her. She got a different Saskatchewan doctor to try to be the second assessor... and he demanded documentation from mental health experts on all the work she tried to do with them (mental health is not part of MAID yet, it is about physical maladies). Thankfully after hearing about that, the first assessor in BC FINALLY found someone willing to do it. She chatted with us for 25 minutes and said yes.

With this final approval on July 12th, my wife and I bought tickets to BC, flew out on the 16th, and on the 17th at 5:31pm, my wife... the strongest person I've ever known and one of the most beautiful souls to ever be, was finally allowed to put down her burdens. I took this picture about 5 minutes before she passed away. You can see how happy she was to be able to just rest.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/a/a3329cad.jpg

So what about me? How am I doing about 7 months into my journey post-Lindsay?

I had a difficult January without realizing it really. December into January was a lot of anniversary dates you could say. It would have been our anniversary in December. My first Christmas and New Years without her, then it would have been her birthday in January. My bosses pulled me aside towards the latter half of January to make sure I was OK because I guess I was being a little distant, a little distracted, just not really present during meetings and whatnot. Without realizing it I was having a rough month. I did pull things together and I'm having a much better February. It helps I am going on a family vacation to Mexico starting on the 20th so that is great.

I've lost 35 pounds since my wife passed, in a healthy way. The energy that I put towards caregiving to my wife I put onto myself. I went from 335 pounds to 299, while putting on muscle. My physiotherapist is exceptionally happy with my progress and I am in the best physical shape of my life. I am very proud of this and the physical activity is excellent for my mental health.

Since January was a tough month I met with my therapist and he gave me a terrifying assignment. Something that I've noticed about how I survived being in the caregiver role for so long is that I internalized a lot of my own struggles with what was happening. I didn't voice my struggles, what frustrated me, what angered me. I didn't want to pile onto my partner how being in the role I was in was impacting me. How internalizing that manifested was extreme amounts of shame whenever I would feel a negative emotion about the situation. This is obviously not healthy and my therapist gave me a writing assignment. I had to write a letter TO Lindsay expressing only the negatives. I was not to be complimentary, do not caveat my feelings, do not hedge on them, do not rationalize (I also tended to rationalize a lot of things as a shield to my feelings. Instead of saying, "I was mad about ______" I would say, "Sure it was annoying but ________"), just pure frustration and anger.

It was incredibly frightening to do, I cried multiple times as I wrote it, did feel legitimate anger and frustration and whatnot. I then shared it on my previous topic which I think shocked some people, but it's part of the process. I need to be comfortable expressing those feelings and sharing them here with this community is my first step.

I also have been writing a "Grief Journal" since she passed. Just whenever I feel I have something to say, I write. I have about 30 single spaced pages so far and I share each entry in my journal here in this topic. It's been really healthy and a good thing for me to do and I will continue to do it.

All in all, for those continuing the journey with me, thanks. For those hopping in for the first time, welcome!

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/9/9a72cbd3.jpg

This was us at my 10 year graduation reunion back in 2012. Happier times for sure, absolutely gorgeous. ^_^

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/9/9a72cbd3.jpg

This was us at my 10 year graduation reunion back in 2012. Happier times for sure, absolutely gorgeous. ^_^

Sorry for your loss Jeff. Hope you are getting by alright and doing well.

I am fundamentally morally opposed to you and her having done this I'm not going to lie. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and the idea of someone that young committing suicide makes me feel deeply uncomfortable regardless of the circumstances. Its a visceral reaction.

Atralis posted...

I am fundamentally morally opposed to you and her having done this I'm not going to lie. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and the idea of someone that young committing suicide makes me feel deeply uncomfortable regardless of the circumstances. Its a visceral reaction.

Maybe this isnt the place to voice this particular opinion.

Atralis posted...

snip

You could've just not posted at all.

Atralis posted...
Dude read room.

Atralis posted...

I am fundamentally morally opposed to you and her having done this I'm not going to lie. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and the idea of someone that young committing suicide makes me feel deeply uncomfortable regardless of the circumstances. Its a visceral reaction.

Noted. I'm morally opposed to telling someone they have to live in pain with no hope of improvement. I suppose we are at an impasse. I'm glad your moral outrage does not stop people from having their bodily autonomy. ^_^

Jeff are you getting the support you need. I know Gamefaqs can be a good place. It has helped me with some issues. But how about in person. Do you have what you need?

cjsdowg posted...

Jeff are you getting the support you need. I know Gamefaqs can be a good place. It has helped me with some issues. But how about in person. Do you have what you need?

I'm really good. My family is here in the city with me and I spend a lot of time with them. We are heading to Mexico for a family trip on Tuesday. Work is supportive, I have friends in the city I hang out with and play games with and all that. It's all good my friend.

Atralis posted...

I mean seriously this is murder in all 50 states. Is it moddable to note that?

There are I believe at least 11 states that do have programs similar to MAID, so no it isn't murder in all 50 states. If you're going to be morally outraged about something, it's probably best to be educated in the thing that so outrages you.

Atralis posted...

There are zero states where Ehler Danlos would be considered a reason to kill a person. In every single US state doing that would lead to a doctor being convicted of murder. I know you can't prove me wrong because like I said this isn't an edge case.

It was a combination of my wife's conditions that led to her being accepted for MAID. Here in Canada it isn't simply one condition that is looked at, but a combination of co-morbidities may be appropriate.

Also, her case of Ehlors Danlos was considered by one of the experts in Canada as one of the most debilitating examples of the condition he had ever seen, with no hope of treatment.

Jeff, I dont think weve interacted before, but Ive followed your story on this board. Ive got to say, I admire your strength and courage. Keep your head up, brother.

Atralis posted...

It is murder in 99% of the countries on the earth. Its legal in Canada.

I'm very proud that Canada is willing to be one of the countries leading the way when it comes to end of life care and allowing people with bodily autonomy to medically end their life. Countries around the world should do the same.

Atralis posted...

It is murder in 99% of the countries on the earth. Its legal in Canada.

Please let this drop, you are not for it we get it. Make a topic about it. This topic is to help a fellow poster with some heavy stuff.

Atralis posted...

I disagree. I don't think we should advocate suicide for someone in their 30's. This isn't even an edge case. If a doctor did this in the US or 99% of other countries in the world they would be convicted of murder. Period. We are supposed to pretend this is normal?

I mean seriously this is murder in all 50 states. Is it moddable to note that?

I would say no, it is not normal that someone in their 30s is given such a bad hand that their options are to progressive suffer more until they die in agony, or choose to die on their own terms. It's horrible and it's also horrible that our shitty fucking society has such a moral issue with assisted suicide.

Can we stop acting like letting terminally ill people die would mean doctors start killing anyone who goes in for a checkup and happens to feel sad that day?

Atralis, you are absolutely fucking pathetic. TC decides to share a serious tragedy with us (and his journey in it) and this is how you behave. Act your age instead of your shoe size you heartless c-word.

i still maintain that word being moddable is racist toward australians.

Atralis posted...

It is legally murder for nearly all of us. It is glorifying suicide which is also against the TOS of this site and this board but we are all supposed to pretend its normal.

Mark it if you feel so strongly about it. I've been discussing the process and my healing journey here on the site for the last... well, over a year now. Most have been supportive of my journey and whatnot. But please, if you and your moral outrage has to be satisfied, mark the topic. Or create your own topic about how you feel. I won't even come in and barrage your topic with my own morality.

Atralis posted...

I am fundamentally morally opposed to you and her having done this I'm not going to lie. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and the idea of someone that young committing suicide makes me feel deeply uncomfortable regardless of the circumstances. Its a visceral reaction.

Are you serious? You can think whatever you want, but READ THE FUCKING ROOM.

Atralis posted...

Its pathetic not to voice in opposition to this if you believe that it is wrong and I believe that suicide is wrong.

This is a guy getting support piled on for a practice that is not legal on nearly the entire planet because nearly the entire planet considers it to be killing the disabled. I'd be happy to be banned for opposing this being normalized.

I will say it again in 99% of the countries on earth a doctor killing a person because they have Elher Danlos would result in that doctor being convicted of MURDER.

No one has refuted that.

what the fuck is wrong with you

Atralis posted...

Its pathetic not to voice in opposition to this if you believe that it is wrong and I believe that suicide is wrong.

This is a guy getting support piled on for a practice that is not legal on nearly the entire planet because nearly the entire planet considers it to be killing the disabled. I'd be happy to be banned for opposing this being normalized.

I will say it again in 99% of the countries on earth a doctor killing a person because they have Elher Danlos would result in that doctor being convicted of MURDER.

No one has refuted that.

Again, it was comorbidities. EDS was just one part of the entire picture that doctors looked at and allowed her to utilize MAID. I notice you haven't said a thing about MCAS, which is also exceptionally debilitating and didn't allow her to take medications that would have otherwise helped some of her other conditions.

But you're not actually interested in having a discussion about the issue. You are here to point out your moral outrage at my wife using her autonomy to decide how she would lay down her burdens. You're morally outraged that someone would rather pass away in comfort rather than spending weeks or months in the hospital as one of their major organs rupture, or they can no longer eat, or any number of other ways she could have died given her co-morbities.

Atralis posted...

I will not read the room when I see the room cheerleading suicide or state murder. I'm happy to be banned for this. I will not standby while someone applauds a suicide. I will not stand by while people applaud euthanizing the disabled in a method that is illegal in 99% of the countries on the planet regardless of their political bend.

This is considered murder in Capitalist countries.
This is considered murder in communist contries.
This is considered murder in monarchies.

But its legal in Canada which I guess means its totally fine to execute the disabled.

You are absolutely vile. I cannot say what i truly feel about you and the way youre acting because id get modded immediately.

Dafuq was wrong with him. Good riddance.

I see that Atralis' trolling in regards to moral outrage to what my wife decided to do was moderated appropriately.

Thank you GameFAQS mods.

Geez dude really nuked his account over something like this

Hope the topic can get back on track now

Thankfully the majority of people I have spoken to about this have been supportive of Lindsay's decision, or if not they've kept it to themselves. I'm definitely open to chatting with people about it, even if they don't understand or agree with it. Screaming and yelling about murder and suicide in regards to the decision my wife made is not really indicative of someone wanting to have a discussion.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Thankfully the majority of people I have spoken to about this have been supportive of Lindsay's decision, or if not they've kept it to themselves. I'm definitely open to chatting with people about it, even if they don't understand or agree with it. Screaming and yelling about murder and suicide in regards to the decision my wife made is not really indicative of someone wanting to have a discussion.

I am sorry you had to deal with that.

cjsdowg posted...

I am sorry you had to deal with that.

Eh, honestly a guy like that is pretty easy to deal with. At BEST he severely misunderstood the goals of the MAID program and what failsafes exist within it.

At worst, he actively wants people to suffer because that's more "human" than wanting to ensure people don't suffer? In which case dude is straight up nuts.

I think he was just a troll looking to provoke a response.

ghost_hunters posted...

Im sorry TC, but gamefaqs is not the place to come to discuss such a personal issue. Maybe you should post on someplace like Facebook or twitter where people you actually know will give a rats a**.

Youre hurt, in pain and need someone to talk to, I totally get it but this is not the place for it. There are special doctors called therapists that will listen to you and help you grieve. Be careful though, not only will they drain your checking account but they will call you a f***ing loser for getting help on here.

Ive seen enough of this s***, Im blocking you.

dude what is wrong with this board today

If youre not here to support him then just dont say anything

3 active posts, likely an alt.

I've had amazing support here on CE, so I shall continue to talk about my healing journey here ghost_hunters.

And that one is gone too.

Again, thank you mods. It's nice to know you all have my back.

It still baffles me that so many people don't support MAiD and are opposed to its expansion, it's like they refuse to see the shades of grey in society that just don't conform to their expectations of how life should follow.

A single active post from this one?
You're not going to make me abandon this topic.

burning_hammer3 posted...

Was somebody playing a violin or harp while you were typing this tc? Do you really people on here care about what youve gone through? Do you think youre the only person on here thats lost a family member?

What youre doing on here is f***ing pathetic. All youre doing is begging for attention and sadly youre getting it. I have no sympathy for either your or your wife. Both of you deserve to burn in HELL!

this is fucking sickening. Getting on alts and tormenting Jeff like this is awful. What the fuck is wrong with you?

ssb_yunglink2 posted...

this is fucking sickening. Getting on alts and tormenting Jeff like this is awful. What the fuck is wrong with you?

And yet I'm the one that's gonna burn in hell, lol.

burning_hammer3 posted...

Was somebody playing a violin or harp while you were typing this tc? Do you really people on here care about what youve gone through? Do you think youre the only person on here thats lost a family member?

What youre doing on here is f***ing pathetic. All youre doing is begging for attention and sadly youre getting it. I have no sympathy for either your or your wife. Both of you deserve to burn in HELL!

then feel free to not post here. Like.ever.

IDK what's going on with the sudden influx of people being shitty here, wtf

Glad you're doing okay TC, haven't posted much in your topics but I've been keeping up with your journey as you go.

MC_BatCommander posted...

IDK what's going on with the sudden influx of people being shitty here, wtf

Glad you're doing okay TC, haven't posted much in your topics but I've been keeping up with your journey as you go.

Considering those 2 accounts only showed up after Atralis got banned and had like like 1 active post, i think its safe to assume who their owner was.