LogFAQs > #978909025

So what about me? How am I doing about 7 months into my journey post-Lindsay?

I had a difficult January without realizing it really. December into January was a lot of anniversary dates you could say. It would have been our anniversary in December. My first Christmas and New Years without her, then it would have been her birthday in January. My bosses pulled me aside towards the latter half of January to make sure I was OK because I guess I was being a little distant, a little distracted, just not really present during meetings and whatnot. Without realizing it I was having a rough month. I did pull things together and I'm having a much better February. It helps I am going on a family vacation to Mexico starting on the 20th so that is great.

I've lost 35 pounds since my wife passed, in a healthy way. The energy that I put towards caregiving to my wife I put onto myself. I went from 335 pounds to 299, while putting on muscle. My physiotherapist is exceptionally happy with my progress and I am in the best physical shape of my life. I am very proud of this and the physical activity is excellent for my mental health.

Since January was a tough month I met with my therapist and he gave me a terrifying assignment. Something that I've noticed about how I survived being in the caregiver role for so long is that I internalized a lot of my own struggles with what was happening. I didn't voice my struggles, what frustrated me, what angered me. I didn't want to pile onto my partner how being in the role I was in was impacting me. How internalizing that manifested was extreme amounts of shame whenever I would feel a negative emotion about the situation. This is obviously not healthy and my therapist gave me a writing assignment. I had to write a letter TO Lindsay expressing only the negatives. I was not to be complimentary, do not caveat my feelings, do not hedge on them, do not rationalize (I also tended to rationalize a lot of things as a shield to my feelings. Instead of saying, "I was mad about ______" I would say, "Sure it was annoying but ________"), just pure frustration and anger.

It was incredibly frightening to do, I cried multiple times as I wrote it, did feel legitimate anger and frustration and whatnot. I then shared it on my previous topic which I think shocked some people, but it's part of the process. I need to be comfortable expressing those feelings and sharing them here with this community is my first step.

I also have been writing a "Grief Journal" since she passed. Just whenever I feel I have something to say, I write. I have about 30 single spaced pages so far and I share each entry in my journal here in this topic. It's been really healthy and a good thing for me to do and I will continue to do it.

All in all, for those continuing the journey with me, thanks. For those hopping in for the first time, welcome!