Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I fear being 40 and single...

This touched a nerve. But otherwise...

I've been avoiding this topic for a long time. I didn't think my heart could handle seeing you suffer through the loss. I finally decided I should look it over and see how you're doing.

I'm so relieved and glad to see that you're doing well. Of course it looks like there are still bad days too. But overall you seem to be in a good place with friends and family(sorry to hear about your brother being sick though). You really do seem to truly enjoy your job, and the people in your life. It's been bittersweet catching up on your posts in here, but mostly uplifting. You're a strong person and I have a lot of respect for that, and the good that bring to the community. You're a good person at heart and that absolutely shines through in every post I've seen you make. Stay strong, and of course if things get rough, we'll be here for you too.

KogaSteelfang posted...

This touched a nerve. But otherwise...

I've been avoiding this topic for a long time. I didn't think my heart could handle seeing you suffer through the loss. I finally decided I should look it over and see how you're doing.

I'm so relieved and glad to see that you're doing well. Of course it looks like there are still bad days too. But overall you seem to be in a good place with friends and family(sorry to hear about your brother being sick though). You really do seem to truly enjoy your job, and the people in your life. It's been bittersweet catching up on your posts in here, but mostly uplifting. You're a strong person and I have a lot of respect for that, and the good that bring to the community. You're a good person at heart and that absolutely shines through in every post I've seen you make. Stay strong, and of course if things get rough, we'll be here for you too.

Thank you, I do feel a lot of support in this topic, and I'm surrounded by people who are supportive of me. You said a lot of wonderful things about me, thank you.

I think Bittersweet is the perfect word for it all. I do have to remind myself often that my wife was already dying. Regardless of my having lived with her and seen for myself the ravages of the medical problems she had to fight, it became so normalized to me that like... I still at times almost don't believe that she was dying? My wife was an incredibly strong woman and for as awful as she felt, when we were together she would hide it or just kinda grit through it all. I sometimes forget that ultimately what happened was that my wife did not have to just wait in agony until something bad enough happened that would have put her into the hospital and never to come out.

And while that is somewhat grim and sad, it's just what the reality is for a lot of people who pass away with medical complications... and I think it was wonderful that my wife could pass away holding my hand after we went to see a movie, you know? I wish it could have been at home rather than out of province but the sad truth is that without MAID, she would have waited for something horrible to happen, we go to the hospital, and for however long she could make it there she would live out the rest of her life there.

Personally when my health fails to that level I hope I'm given the opportunity to go out to a movie with my wife or someone else I love, get comfy in a couch, fall asleep and never have to wake up again.

That's wild man, thank you for sharing her story. That sounds awful to live with and with most western medicine she would have just been drug along until her quality of life was just beyond comprehension in n LTAC or some shit.

Uglybass69 posted...

That's wild man, thank you for sharing her story. That sounds awful to live with and with most western medicine she would have just been drug along until her quality of life was just beyond comprehension in n LTAC or some shit.

Yeah. Western Culture tends to live in fear of death and are terrified of the fact it happens. Make no mistake about it, I miss my wife terribly. Despite all her suffering and all that put me through as well, I loved our time together and had my wife wanted to live out her life until the exceptionally bitter end I would have done so. We have no kids, she LITERALLY would live in pure and utter agony for my benefit. I would never have asked her to do that. Ever.

November 12th, 2023

I want what we had, but with someone healthy who can take on the world with me. Its what I want and what I deserve and yet I still feel so guilty for having those feelings. I dont regret having been with my wife, the time we spent together, taking on the role of a caregiver for so long. I have no regrets in that decision and the wonderful time we did get to spend together. Saying I want someone new in my life to fill that role but in a different way... does that mock the memory of Lindsay? I want what we had but better.

Am I setting myself up for failure? Id like to think Im capable of seeing someone for themselves, treasuring what they bring to me in terms of a relationship. How they are similar to Lindsay and how they are different are both going to be huge elements to how I move forward with my next relationship. Am I greedy? Should I be greedy? Is it OK for me to be greedy and want it all? Because I do. I want the best things that Lindsay brought to our relationship and more. I dont want to have to take care of my partner in that way, not for a long time anyways. I want us to be true partners.

But that isnt to say Lindsay and I were not partners. We were and we offered each other so much more than the dynamic of my caregiving for her. She challenged me to be a better person. She helped me grow into a more considerate person, and gave me reason to try my hardest every day. Even in the things we loved together she was always critical; always looking for things to improve. We completed one another in the things that we lacked. I was always a little lackadaisical while she worked too hard at things. I was very calm and chill, she was proactive and always attentive to her surroundings. I was always content with the state of things, while she was always wanting things to be better. She was altruistic and wanted to help others, while all I wanted to do was help her and by extension, us, so to speak.

I spent years worrying only about her. Her health, her financial well-being, her happiness. That was my aim, my goal, my passion in life. It made me happy to make her happy, to provide that for her. She deserved that and so much more. I want to provide happiness for a new woman in my life. A happiness that is not contingent on failing health and a certain level of acceptability. I want us to take on the world together. I want us to travel, to be free to explore the city we live in, the province we live in, the world around us, if we want. I want us to work towards a common goal, buy a home together. I want to help her achieve all her dreams and she can help me achieve mine.

All of this excites me but it also fills me with guilt. I dont hold it against Lindsay that she could not provide some of these things for me. It was through no fault of anyone that our life together meant sacrifices were made by both of us. Thats what part of life together is... sacrificing for one another. Lindsay told me repeatedly as her life was coming to an end that she wanted all these things for me too. She apologized for her lot in life and what it meant for me. She WANTS me to achieve wonderful things with someone who is worthy of me. She stressed that point. Someone who is worthy of me.

What is worthy? What does that mean and why do I cling to that idea so much? I want to honor the hopes and wishes my wife had for me almost more-so for her than I do for myself. That cant be exactly healthy, can it? Except honoring that wish, to find someone worthy of what I provide in a relationship will ultimately lead me to great happiness. I think that is what Lindsay meant. Not someone who is going to bring me wealth and prosperity, though that is always a nice goal to work towards. Someone who makes me happy. Lindsay made me happy despite all the things she could not provide to me.

So maybe I need to stop overthinking it all and just listen to my heart. It led me to Lindsay and eleven and a half wonderful years. It will lead me to more Im sure of it and I want it as soon as possible. Im scared that I will never find it again, that it will never match up to what I had. I hear Lindsays laughter at this fear. What did you have Jeff? You had a wife who was dying a little more every day. She cost you a little more every day. More money, more time, for less and less every day. Its not gonna be hard to find someone else who can match up to what I had to offer...

Cold hard logic was never my forte when it came to love honey, and I think you loved that about me. I hope my next love loves that about me too.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

November 12th, 2023

I want what we had, but with someone healthy who can take on the world with me. Its what I want and what I deserve and yet I still feel so guilty for having those feelings. I dont regret having been with my wife, the time we spent together, taking on the role of a caregiver for so long. I have no regrets in that decision and the wonderful time we did get to spend together. Saying I want someone new in my life to fill that role but in a different way... does that mock the memory of Lindsay? I want what we had but better.

Am I setting myself up for failure? Id like to think Im capable of seeing someone for themselves, treasuring what they bring to me in terms of a relationship. How they are similar to Lindsay and how they are different are both going to be huge elements to how I move forward with my next relationship. Am I greedy? Should I be greedy? Is it OK for me to be greedy and want it all? Because I do. I want the best things that Lindsay brought to our relationship and more. I dont want to have to take care of my partner in that way, not for a long time anyways. I want us to be true partners.

But that isnt to say Lindsay and I were not partners. We were and we offered each other so much more than the dynamic of my caregiving for her. She challenged me to be a better person. She helped me grow into a more considerate person, and gave me reason to try my hardest every day. Even in the things we loved together she was always critical; always looking for things to improve. We completed one another in the things that we lacked. I was always a little lackadaisical while she worked too hard at things. I was very calm and chill, she was proactive and always attentive to her surroundings. I was always content with the state of things, while she was always wanting things to be better. She was altruistic and wanted to help others, while all I wanted to do was help her and by extension, us, so to speak.

I spent years worrying only about her. Her health, her financial well-being, her happiness. That was my aim, my goal, my passion in life. It made me happy to make her happy, to provide that for her. She deserved that and so much more. I want to provide happiness for a new woman in my life. A happiness that is not contingent on failing health and a certain level of acceptability. I want us to take on the world together. I want us to travel, to be free to explore the city we live in, the province we live in, the world around us, if we want. I want us to work towards a common goal, buy a home together. I want to help her achieve all her dreams and she can help me achieve mine.

All of this excites me but it also fills me with guilt. I dont hold it against Lindsay that she could not provide some of these things for me. It was through no fault of anyone that our life together meant sacrifices were made by both of us. Thats what part of life together is... sacrificing for one another. Lindsay told me repeatedly as her life was coming to an end that she wanted all these things for me too. She apologized for her lot in life and what it meant for me. She WANTS me to achieve wonderful things with someone who is worthy of me. She stressed that point. Someone who is worthy of me.

What is worthy? What does that mean and why do I cling to that idea so much? I want to honor the hopes and wishes my wife had for me almost more-so for her than I do for myself. That cant be exactly healthy, can it? Except honoring that wish, to find someone worthy of what I provide in a relationship will ultimately lead me to great happiness. I think that is what Lindsay meant. Not someone who is going to bring me wealth and prosperity, though that is always a nice goal to work towards. Someone who makes me happy. Lindsay made me happy despite all the things she could not provide to me.

So maybe I need to stop overthinking it all and just listen to my heart. It led me to Lindsay and eleven and a half wonderful years. It will lead me to more Im sure of it and I want it as soon as possible. Im scared that I will never find it again, that it will never match up to what I had. I hear Lindsays laughter at this fear. What did you have Jeff? You had a wife who was dying a little more every day. She cost you a little more every day. More money, more time, for less and less every day. Its not gonna be hard to find someone else who can match up to what I had to offer...

Cold hard logic was never my forte when it came to love honey, and I think you loved that about me. I hope my next love loves that about me too.

I don't think you should feel guilty. You did so much for Lindsay, but it is perfectly okay to not want to go through with something like that again.

What I worry about is that you have made enough comments that I worry you are looking for a healthy Lindsay. It is doubtful you will find a healthy Lindsay. You can likely find a healthy Claire or healthy Anna or healthy April. She will have different things that make her great, but also different challenges. It could be just as good as what you had (without the sickness), but I worry you will say "this is different" and not give it a chance. Do you worry about this or am I just misreading some of your comments?

bsp77 posted...

I don't think you should feel guilty. You did so much for Lindsay, but it is perfectly okay to not want to go through with something like that again.

What I worry about is that you have made enough comments that I worry you are looking for a healthy Lindsay. It is doubtful you will find a healthy Lindsay. You can likely find a healthy Claire or healthy Anna or healthy April. She will have different things that make her great, but also different challenges. It could be just as good as what you had (without the sickness), but I worry you will say "this is different" and not give it a chance. Do you worry about this or am I just misreading some of your comments?

I mean, if I'm being honest I want a very similar woman. I think that is probably a normal feeling to have when your partner passes away. I recognize that won't happen; I can't replace her with a stronger model like a cell phone or a car. I would love to but that isn't reality.

I worry that I will compare any potential mate to an idealized version of my previous wife and I will find them unworthy. Again that might be more of a worry I have in my head than in reality. The gal I'm crushing on now is different from my wife in a LOT of ways and that is exciting to me too.

Good news everyone! My deceased wife does not qualify for CPP Disability Benefits.

We applied in February and I got this letter in the mail today. Shows you just how horribly slow and disorganized the disability system in here in Canada.

That is a kick in the head. Same thing happened with notices with my mom. CRA and other staff are graciously behind. Sorry you had to go through that.

My friend got approval to see a gastro 5 months after her ULQ pain started. May 2021-to Oct 2021. She entered hospice early Oct. The notice came 2 weeks later

vycebrand2 posted...

My friend got approval to see a gastro 5 months after her ULQ pain started. May 2021-to Oct 2021. She entered hospice early Oct. The notice came 2 weeks later

That is awful. Ugh, sorry you had to go through that.

Made a post on my Facebook today. I kinda update once a month as you've all seen.

Four months if you can believe it.

Today marks four months since I became a widow. I need to use the word more to sort of normalize it for me. I don't use the word often since to me it conjures the view of a much older person. Widows are supposed to be in their 70's and 80's. Not 39.

I think I'm beginning to come around to it though. The other thing about being a widow is that you made wonderful memories together. It wasn't a growing apart or loss of trust that ended your relationship you know? It was the inevitable that happens to everyone at some point. It was an incredibly successful love that ended when one person came to the end of their life. There's something beautiful about that, something I'm growing to appreciate more and more as the days turn into the months that I have been a widow.

And I will be a widow forever. There is a somber beauty to that as well. There is a piece of me that will forever be connected to Lindsay. The ways in which she inspired me to be a better person, a more thoughtful member of my community, the confidence in who I am as a partner. These are all aspects of myself that are connected with Lindsay forever. So many things that my family and friends and I value in who I have become today are because of who she helped me become.

None of that goes away when you become a widow. I am still that person she helped me become and she continues to inspire me to grow. That is what being a widow at 39 is... and that's not so tragic. I will be a widow when I find the next love of my life too. Someone who will understand that part of me too, who will inspire me to grow and become a stronger person too.

Four months of being a widow down, another 45 years to go? I think I'm ready.

I have an 80's party next weekend. I ordered this tracksuit in but it doesn't fit me well enough to actually... move. I'm a good sport though so I did take a picture and showed my colleagues it. XD

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/b/b6a07ac2.jpg

Not bright enough. Gotta go neon

dummy420 posted...

Not bright enough. Gotta go neon

I'm pivoting and trying to get together a Marty McFly costume. Tied for my favorite movie of all time? Seems like an excellent idea.

You gotta get that badass hat that changes colors based on what angle you see. I went to the event in I think it was 2015 which was the future he traveled to and a bunch of people had that hat in the movie theater.

November 20, 2023

I wore my light blue shirt with my orange pants. I remember when you were still with me I would have asked you if this worked together. I think it does, but that reassurance from you made me so confident. I dont know if I ever lacked confidence in some ways. Ive always been a confident speaker, confident in my own intelligence, confident in my ability to adapt to my surroundings and be able to at least do fine, so to speak. I was less confident about... me. What I offered to someone in a relationship, that I was the kind of guy that women wanted and were looking for. Id been in a couple relationships before. I had a girlfriend that cheated on me, one that moved away for a year and when they came back I wasnt exactly what they were looking for, and that was kind of it before you.

Then in 2011 this absolutely stunning woman entered my life. We started talking, had some things in common, found excuses to spend more time together. I asked her out and she told me no, she wasnt looking for a relationship right now. She was trying to focus on herself and was done with dating. I remember being so certain that we were going to be together that when she told me no I said, I get that. I know we will end up together, so just let me know when youre ready. I found out later that apparently this level of bravado and confidence is kinda creepy. Thankfully she gave me the chance to prove that it wasnt a creep factor, just a man in love who was confident that we would be happiest together.

Anyone who knows me now wouldnt suggest that I lack for confidence. A woman like Lindsay putting everything she had left in her for the rest of her life into us? Obviously I have something to offer that is worthwhile. Something that is unique, something that someone else is going to be lucky to have with them. I know that I do and I wont play to the contrary. Lindsays passing away hasnt made me any less confident... but rather its made me have to examine my whole life and how to utilize that confidence to get what I ultimately want.

When youre married or in a relationship for a long time, your confidence is altered into a different shape, so to speak. When youre courting someone, single and looking, your confidence is in yourself and what you can do to show someone what you offer them. Once that has happened and you are dedicated to one another, it becomes a confidence in taking CARE of one another. You no longer have to prove that you are worth giving a shot; now you are following through on that shot youve been given. You allow yourself to be vulnerable, you show your softness, you take care of one another. Your confidence is for each other, not yourself. In being confident in each other and for each other, you are the ultimate team.

That is where Ive always been the most comfortable. In a personal setting, in a professional setting, in a social setting... Im a team player. Im a social being. Transitioning from my most comfortable setting, being in a loving committed relationship where we just basked in our happiness and confidence in each other, back to the type of confidence that shows someone else what you can offer to them? I know what I offer to another person. I know what I did for Lindsay and what that means I can do for ANYONE else who is lucky enough to be my partner. I havent had to show someone else that confidence for nearly twelve years now. I was happily out of practice. But to get to what I ultimately want, I guess it is time to get back into practice.

Beautiful stuff, man. Few men realize their potential to make a lover happy.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

Beautiful stuff, man. Few men realize their potential to make a lover happy.

I don't know if I would say few men, but the greatest joy of my life was sharing it with my wife.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I don't know if I would say few men, but the greatest joy of my life was sharing it with my wife.

society puts an unhealthy expectation on guys making them think they are nothing if they don't "get laid." I say that has stunted alot of them from becoming someone who knows who they are, and what they can do for someone.

No one can take this from you, or me.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/7/79922fe3.jpg

My light blue with orange pants. I look fucking fly.

Your beard reminds me of my uncle's. He doesn't normally wear glasses, though (at least he didn't the last time we saw each other in person -- it's been a fair few years).

Nintendo_Porn posted...

society puts an unhealthy expectation on guys making them think they are nothing if they don't "get laid." I say that has stunted alot of them from becoming someone who knows who they are, and what they can do for someone.

No one can take this from you, or me.

I've only been physically involved with women I have dated. I couldn't really imagine myself being in a physical relationship with someone I wasn't dating. Just isn't what I want.

https://youtu.be/KtlgYxa6BMU?si=s5vYeIxXAPOfVm7b

While not the exact narrative of our relationship, man... "Take me back to the night we met. I don't know what I'm supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you..."

Yeeeaaaahhhhh, that hits hard sometimes.

Yeah I have never heard that song but its good. There are times I cant listen to songs like this depending on the headspace I am in. I hope your doing well.

dummy420 posted...

Yeah I have never heard that song but its good. There are times I cant listen to songs like this depending on the headspace I am in. I hope your doing well.

I am really good right now. The reality of it all is that regardless of what I do I will miss her every day until my last. Whether that is a lot some moments or just miss her smile, just what is going to happen.

Doesn't change the amount of love and support I feel every day from all the other people in my life. I will find another love as well, someone who will inspire a similar love as my wife did for me.

I assume when I find that, the ways in which I will miss Lindsay will change and evolve.

Damn JAKAS I remember you from old LUE days. So sorry to hear this.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I am really good right now. The reality of it all is that regardless of what I do I will miss her every day until my last. Whether that is a lot some moments or just miss her smile, just what is going to happen.

Doesn't change the amount of love and support I feel every day from all the other people in my life. I will find another love as well, someone who will inspire a similar love as my wife did for me.

I assume when I find that, the ways in which I will miss Lindsay will change and evolve.

I get it. I cant pretend to know your situation but some things just become a part of you that always keep a place in your mind and heart. I am glad you can say in words that you know you have the love and support of people in your life.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/3/37accaec.jpg

Coming up on what would have been our 12 year anniversary. Facebook memories is a nice feature to have.

It's so weird when your partner passes away and there are certain things that will just be a thing that is "theirs" or "ours" in your eyes and not a solo thing.

Tears of the Kingdom is the last video game she ever played and beat. She was a huge Zelda fan. I even have her boxed copy of Link to the Past on my collectibles shelf. When we first started to chat and I told her I worked at a videogame store, she told me she loved video games. When I asked her what games she loved, she immediately started talking about Link to the Past. My eyes must have turned to hearts right there. Beautiful charming woman who loved LEGIT great games? HELL YEAH. I honestly don't know if I will ever play TOTK because like... it was hers. I bought it for her specifically so she could beat Zelda before she used MAID. I'm sure I would like it but... that wasn't why I got it.

Overcooked was a series we played together. I've never played it solo and while I would LOVE for them to make a third game, I'm not sure I would ever be able to play it alone because it was our thing. I have so many vivid memories of completing those games together. We would just howl and scream at one another as we played because we had to 3-star all of it and she was amazing at calling out orders and stuff but wasn't the best with the controller, while I was awesome at the controls but not great at how complex everything got. We matched really well. It was OUR game, a game that we played and replayed and really just loved.

She loved Red Dead Redemption and RDR 2. I've yet to play RDR2 it because like... it was her game. I watched her play it. I bought it FOR her.

I dunno, maybe in the future I will crack into those when it feels right to. Maybe I never will. Just strange things that stick in your mind as you go through all this.

These posts have been making me look at my shared space in a different way. I don't really have much to say in response OP. Your posts touch on what I know are some of my deepest fears, but the focus on the good memories and the transition from a shared life is also hopeful.

Like I said, I don't have much to contribute, but these topics are valuable to me.

Jabodie posted...

These posts have been making me look at my shared space in a different way. I don't really have much to say in response OP. Your posts touch on what I know are some of my deepest fears, but the focus on the good memories and the transition from a shared life is also hopeful.

Like I said, I don't have much to contribute, but these topics are valuable to me.

I'm glad that the topic is valuable to more people than just myself, lol. Right now the biggest thing I'm learning is that grief takes MANY different forms and that it is important to be easy on yourself.

I've been fortunate in the fact I did a lot of work to be in a place where my grief doesn't usually take on a destructive element. I work through a lot of it in my time at the gym for example. Music has been a tremendous outlet, as well as my Journaling.

On occasion I do read back my old entries and am quite proud of where I am now. I speak with my employees and colleagues about what happened. The week before my wife passed I made an e-mail to send right after it happened to let everyone in the organization know. I've worked there for 4 and a half years now and I never took more than a few days off. Being gone seemingly out of nowhere for 2 weeks would have been concerning, and some people already knew. I wanted to control the narrative.

So now people I don't see often will ask me about it and I can laugh about it and joke, and be serious and provide some insight.

It's hard for me to accept praise for "how I'm doing" at times. I know that runs counter to what I just said, but it is strange to me when people tell me how proud they are of how open I have been, how inspirational I am, all that. I'm not sure why that bothers me. It doesn't make me mad or anything it's just kinda... I dunno, just different I guess.

Went to a party tonight with my colleagues and the one I kinda have a thing for went way too hard. I had to babysit her and help her to the DD car when they left.

Got word that she is sleeping over at a friend's house. I'm really glad she is OK.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Went to a party tonight with my colleagues and the one I kinda have a thing for went way too hard. I had to babysit her and help her to the DD car when they left.

Got word that she is sleeping over at a friend's house. I'm really glad she is OK.

What's a "DD" car?

So do you still have a thing for her? Think I missed something.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

What's a "DD" car?

Designated driver

bsp77 posted...

Designated driver

Ohhh, got it. Thank you.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

t's hard for me to accept praise for "how I'm doing" at times. I know that runs counter to what I just said, but it is strange to me when people tell me how proud they are of how open I have been, how inspirational I am, all that. I'm not sure why that bothers me. It doesn't make me mad or anything it's just kinda... I dunno, just different I guess.

Came close to succumbing to bitterness after Joanne passed last april - my first love at 30. Stuff like that can break a man, and make them shut down, but instead we came out stronger carrying what those two gave us. That's worthy of praise imho.

SweetNut_Farm posted...

What's a "DD" car?

So do you still have a thing for her? Think I missed something.

Just because she said a little while ago she didn't want to date someone she works with doesn't mean I'm just gonna stop caring. We are pretty close and we care a lot about each other.

Realistically I think she would date me if we didn't work together, but I am not gonna quit a job I love because maybe she would date me. I'm not that guy, never will be.

Ah ...had forgotten about that.

Nintendo_Porn posted...

Came close to succumbing to bitterness after Joanne passed last april - my first love at 30. Stuff like that can break a man, and make them shut down, but instead we came out stronger carrying what those two gave us. That's worthy of praise imho. Can't lie it made me...feel strange at first.

Absolutely. If I put myself in someone else's shoes and saw a friend going through what I'm doing, of course I would be proud of them. There would never be a single doubt. So why should it be different when it's myself? I am very proud of myself and how I've handled everything.

November 28, 2023

Ive hemmed and hawed about whether or not to write about this given that I have also been thinking about potentially publishing this journal. I think it could be something helpful for people to read who are in a similar position or know that they will be. You can rationalize how you should feel, you can know that you will feel certain ways, but its different to read someone going through the process of grief and healing.

I find myself attracted to someone else for the first time since my wife passed. By that I mean more than just a physical attraction. I tend to think anyone who is in a romantic relationship saying theyve never noted the physical beauty of someone else is just kidding themselves. Lots of beautiful people out there and its OK to notice that in a committed relationship. Anyways, its really exciting to feel this way about someone else and really throws you for a loop as someone who is grieving the loss of a partner.

There are still voices in your head that try to tell you that you need to grieve longer. You are insulting the memory of your wife if you find yourself excited at the prospect of a new romantic partner and relationship. Whether that comes from pop culture convention, or this notion of the soulmate, or who knows what, the reality is we are often inundated with this concept of a perfect love that lasts your entire life and that it is appropriate to grieve a lost love for the rest of your life, if not downright shown to us. This flies in the face of the fact that both Lindsay and I loved people before we ever met and the desire she had for me to love someone after she passed away.

The truth is it IS exciting. It is exciting to get to know someone better, to WANT to spend time with them, to explore the prospect of sharing more in one-anothers life. Beyond whether or not a new relationship even happens and all that, then the weirdest questions come into my mind. I currently have pictures of myself and Lindsay still up around my home. Would a new potential romantic partner appreciate why I have those up? Is that a sign that I shouldnt be exploring new relationships yet? Should I keep them up to see their reaction and that be a major element of who this new potential romantic partner is? Is that fair?

Then there is the simple fact that whoever I invite into my world next in this way will know that my previous relationship ended not due to some incompatibility, infidelity, or my wanting something different. It ended because she passed away and realistically were that not the case... she would not be in the position to be in my world in that way. What kind of pressure does that put on someone? Is it fair for me to ask someone so quickly to enter my world and potentially be the next love of my life?

Its one thing to be compared to previous failed relationships. Your partner tells you all the ways in which a previous relationship failed, what it is that they were looking for and how they found that in you and not a previous romantic partner. It gives you some assurance that you werent just the best of what was left, you know? Im concerned that people who know me know how much I loved my wife, how important she was to me and the lengths I took to take care of her for YEARS; that might be too much pressure. To fear being constantly compared, to need the constant reassurance that it isnt a contest, it isnt a question of how they compare to one another or not. I know it, I know I dont look to this mystery woman (youll know who you are if I ever do publish this, mystery person) to BE Lindsay-lite or anything like that. I genuinely connect with who they are and Im excited at the prospect of getting to know them better, anticipate the nervous energy of a first date, a first kiss.

Im ready for it, I just dont know if people will truly believe Im ready for it. That they will accept that as a widow, Lindsay will ALWAYS be a part of me. Its never going to be a competition, a comparison. I am the person I am today BECAUSE of Lindsay, not in spite of her. And I hope the right woman, whether it is this mystery lady or not, understands that and appreciates that.

I am curious -- when it comes to new prospective partners, how would you handle the conversation about Lindsay? Is it something you plan on bringing up on a first date (just to get it out in the open), or hold inside for a little bit to avoid scaring anyone off?

MatzoTov posted...

I am curious -- when it comes to new prospective partners, how would you handle the conversation about Lindsay? Is it something you plan on bringing up on a first date (just to get it out in the open), or hold inside for a little bit to avoid scaring anyone off?

I will be open about it. I know it could be potentially intimidating or whatever, but it is a core element to who I am and any prospective partner deserves to know that right away.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I will be open about it. I know it could be potentially intimidating or whatever, but it is a core element to who I am and any prospective partner deserves to know that right away.

Yeah, I think you have you mention it. Just like I had to admit I was a recently divorced dad when dating in 2017 and 2018. I just didn't fixate on it or hardly talk about my ex.

The challenge you will have is that women will probably be curious and want to hear you talk about it a lot, which could then also push them away. You will probably have a tough line to straddle there.

bsp77 posted...

Yeah, I think you have you mention it. Just like I had to admit I was a recently divorced dad when dating in 2017 and 2018. I just didn't fixate on it or hardly talk about my ex.

The challenge you will have is that women will probably be curious and want to hear you talk about it a lot, which could then also push them away. You will probably have a tough line to straddle there.

I have no issues talking about it. Obviously there will always be a great deal of love I have for Lindsay and what she means to me moving forward but like... you never have to compete with someone who is dead. I'm excited to know who she is, explore what life with her in it is like, etc.

Confessed to my neighbor, and it had been half a year since my late love passed, so she asked if i was ready for something like this...

I was, and acknowledge at the same time I had that power because a dutch woman had the courage to do that for me in a video game. rather than treat her as some replacement i've been treating her as her own person, so utilizing what my first love taught me.

They want us to move forward, but their influence can/will remain. If you are real about it any potential love will not see themselves as second to someone who is no longer with us.

Just had my first dream where Lindsay was still alive... and she like, came back to life? Like, it was months later and she just kinda showed up. In the Dream she had been dead for months. The dream ended when I mentioned to her that I received her ashes.

She turned to me and said, "Are you sure you're OK?" and when I replied I was and I was just really confused why I would have her ashes, she said, "No you're right, that is strange and something is wrong..." and then I woke up.

When she was alive Lindsay would tell me that when she dreamed of people in her life who passed away they were just popping by to make sure you are OK. I'm not a spiritual person but if that is the case, glad you came by Lindsay. I'm doing alright.

Glad I jumped on my phone at 3am to write that. I don't normally remember my dreams all that much so that was cool to have.

Yeah, all I remember this morning is she would never look at me but I knew it was her. She came into the home (not the home we shared, it was a new place I guess I moved into?) and acted as if nothing had happened. It's almost like I had forgotten that she died too? At some point like a jolt of lightning I was like, "Wait... you died. I was given your ashes". She didn't look at me and asked, "Are you sure you're OK? Is this OK?" and I said that I was fine that she came to see me but like, I had her ashes.

That was when she turned to me and she looked like her younger, healthier self and said, "No you're right, that is strange and this is... wrong" and then I woke up.

Again Lindsay was very spiritual and she said that when lost friends and family (and pets) came to her in her dreams she was convinced they were coming to check in with her and make sure she was doing alright. I'm not a spiritual person but I'm open to the idea that we don't perceive all spectrums of energy and whatnot. It's maybe not coincidental this happens after I had a minor surgery (had a cyst removed from my scalp) so yeah, maybe she came in to check how I was doing.

It was lovely to see you again Lindsay and I promise you I'm doing alright. =D

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Just had my first dream where Lindsay was still alive... and she like, came back to life? Like, it was months later and she just kinda showed up. In the Dream she had been dead for months. The dream ended when I mentioned to her that I received her ashes.

She turned to me and said, "Are you sure you're OK?" and when I replied I was and I was just really confused why I would have her ashes, she said, "No you're right, that is strange and something is wrong..." and then I woke up.

When she was alive Lindsay would tell me that when she dreamed of people in her life who passed away they were just popping by to make sure you are OK. I'm not a spiritual person but if that is the case, glad you came by Lindsay. I'm doing alright.

I looked into this. From what I read it's a way of them tell you they are alright. It's to also check on you. While I dont subscribe to it, I'm open to it. I haven't experienced it myself. Now not in the same way about 8 months ago I heard a clear bell in the kitchen. Nothing there makes that noise. I did some research and from what I read it's either a angel or a visitation. I'm leaning towards Visitation. It would have to be my sister, partner, or friend. I'm leaning towards friend because she worried alot for me during her last few months. I think mentally I'm great, health? No

Yeah, I always told Lindsay I wasn't spiritual because I'd never had that experience. I told her when she passed she would have to visit and give me that experience for my mind to change... so maybe she was just doing that. Lol