Current Events > My wife passed away July 17th with utilizing MAID. Join my healing journey.

(+) Yeah! (+)

December 3rd, 2023

It would have been twelve years today since we decided to date. I find the story kind of sweet and wonderful. We met in university and started chatting and found out we had some things in common. We started to hang out and be friends and Lindsay told me she needed help with her Political Studies class. Good thing my first degree is in poli-sci! I remember telling her with a smile. That is true by the way, my first degree is in something that would never get me a job, but in small part it got me a wife. We agreed to meet up at the library so I could help her with her paper. She said the main floor, which I thought was the first floor but it was actually the second. She was SO mad at me and thought I ditched her when really we were on different floors. We eventually figured out our confusion and I helped her write her paper. After that we went to get some Mexican, our first time really hanging out outside of school.

We made excuses to see each other as often as possible after that. Lindsay told me about some of her allergies, so I made sure to remove all those items from my home so we had someplace to hang out that was safe for her. Working on our class together, watching some TV, grabbing something to eat. I felt the connection instantly. I remember dropping her off back at the dorms one day and telling Lindsay that I think we should date. She told me that she wasnt looking to date anyone; she had been in a serious relationship a few months before and it ended poorly and she was focusing on herself. In my most confident moment in my life, I looked at this beautiful woman who had quickly become one of my best friends and I told her that I understood she wasnt looking for anything serious right now, but I knew we should give it a shot sometime and that I was ready when she was. I thought I was being confident and sexy, I didnt know until much later that it came across as a little... overbearing and creepy? I didnt know at the time that Lindsay had a history of stalkers and whatnot, would have changed my approach had I known that.

A couple months later, December 2nd 2011, Lindsay asked me to take her on a date. We arent dating, but I want to go on a real honest to goodness date, she had told me. I was absolutely giddy with anticipation and excitement. We went to The Keg and it was honestly a disaster. I was nervous and I spilled my glass of water all over the table. Lindsay would hardly look at me all night and it was just very awkward. The food was just OK and we returned to my place and I felt defeated. I thought that this was my chance to really impress and I messed it up SO badly. We watched some TV until late in the night. Lindsay hated the dorms and I offered to let her sleep over. It wasnt the first time Lindsay would have that opportunity as we would often lose track of time and it just made more sense for her to sleep over and we go to class in the morning. I had a spare bedroom that became hers throughout our friendship.

In the morning we got up together and made some breakfast. I let her lie down on the couch and I sat down on the floor, leaning up against the couch. She gently cupped her hand under my chin and lifted my head so we were looking into one-anothers eyes. With a wonderful smile I will never forget for as long as I live she asked me, So... you still want to date me? My heart skipped a beat and that moment felt like it lasted forever. Oh hell yeah, I told her, and we had our first kiss right then. She told me that she felt so awful about how nervous I was and could tell how important that date was to me. She appreciated how hard I tried and explained that the fucking waiter was making googly-eyes to her from behind my back. It made her feel uncomfortable and that was why she was not as engaged at dinner. She said when we got home and just got to spend time together she realized she wanted everyday to be like that... sharing in each others lives.

When we went to bed she was POSITIVE that I would make a move on her that night. Knock on her bedroom door, invite myself in, try to seal the date night off the way other men had tried to seal off a date night with her. She told me that she had kinda hoped that I would because she wanted my warmth and comfort. When I didnt make a move, she came over to my bedroom, to find that I was sleeping peacefully. Despite my obvious intentions for us to date, I had always told her that when she shared my home it would always be a safe place. I told her I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable and that the spare bedroom was hers whenever she was over. She told me later that seeing my asleep, respecting what I promised her, she realized I was sincere and honest and true. Despite us having gone on a date, her sleeping over, she knew I was never going to be like every other man she had ever dated before. I would respect her autonomy, respect her right to privacy and safety.

She said that she loved me before that night, but that was the first night she knew for sure that I loved her. My love was not about a physical passion, a conquest to overcome. She told me that was the night where she knew that I wanted to be her partner, not a lover or an owner. She moved in shortly after and we began our beautiful life together as lovers, as best friends... as partners. I remember a few days later as we basked in the glow of our new relationship, I coyly reminded her how I told her I knew we would be a couple. She told me that it came across a little creepy at the time, but then she held me close and thanked me for being so damn sure she was worth it.

Lindsay, you were more than worth it all honey. And I told you moments before you passed away, had I known how everything would play out, Id have done it all again. You were my lover, my best friend, my partner. Thank you for letting me be that for you.

I made a free eHarmony account and I didn't realize you can only send one message to someone on a free account. Someone pretty cool sent me a message now I have to decide if I sink money into eHarmony to actually you know... talk to them. XD

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I made a free eHarmony account and I didn't realize you can only send one message to someone on a free account. Someone pretty cool sent me a message now I have to decide if I sink money into eHarmony to actually you know... talk to them. XD

That's pretty dookey.... I get the gameification of dating apps but if both parties agree, it shouldn't cost a dime

I remember my dating site days, its how they get you to spend some cash. Had a couple of dates and relationships from them. I found it worth the money but alot of the responses lead to nothing.

I remember you and your wife from your original thread. So many emotions in that one.

At the risk of me saying the wrong thing, please take comfort in the time you spent together and thank you for sharing your wifes story with us. RIP.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

I remember you and your wife from your original thread. So many emotions in that one.

At the risk of me saying the wrong thing, please take comfort in the time you spent together and thank you for sharing your wifes story with us. RIP.

I always do take comfort in that. I sometimes have to remind myself that she was "dying" for awhile. Just instead of Cancer or something else sorta easily identifiable, it was from something less common.

My wife and I had a holiday tradition of watching all the Harry Potter films during December. I'm gonna keep it going and watch it all myself through the month.

Now that's cool. Which one was her fav?

I've been working with a therapist both before and after my wife passed. It is definitely something that has been really helpful and I encourage anyone who can afford it to go to therapy just in general. It is a wonderful opportunity to just talk shit out with someone who isn't really "on a side" and is there to help you figure shit out.

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I have myself a third niece now! No name yet, but my baby sister gave birth a couple hours ago.

I have 4 nephews and now 3 nieces.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I have 4 nephews and now 3 nieces.

Thats cool.
Perhaps they will keep you very busy as the cool uncle, especially during these holidays.

You don't know me from Adam, TC, but I've been on this website for over 20 years and your username is a bonafide fixture. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you're healing. Best wishes.

variasuite posted...

You don't know me from Adam, TC, but I've been on this website for over 20 years and your username is a bonafide fixture. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you're healing. Best wishes.

Thank you so much. It's weird to think I've been using this site for more than half of my life. O_o

It's weird how your mind can just mess with you now and then.

I'm currently around 303 pounds. I'm in the best physical shape of my adult life (at one point I was 415 pounds, yikes), and I am very proud of what I've done. I'm also putting on muscle mass while losing weight so I'm like, doing a really excellent job!

Then there is that little voice in my head that regrets how Lindsay will never see me at my best. She will never again tell me how proud she is of me, how happy she is to see me getting healthier.

I was watching an anime the other day and they were talking about faith and God and stuff. And the pious one says to the non-religious one, "Who will tell you they're proud of your accomplishments?" Oooof, it cut to the core a bit.

You already have one thing I've noticed most people don't have. You recognize your successes and are proud of yourself when you might not have that outside positive reinforcement. Sadly you don't have her with you physically but you know she would be proud to.

dummy420 posted...

You already have one thing I've noticed most people don't have. You recognize your successes and are proud of yourself when you might not have that outside positive reinforcement. Sadly you don't have her with you physically but you know she would be proud to.

I know she would. I think she would be very proud of how I've been doing.

December 16th, 2023

Its strange to wake up one morning and just kinda feel differently about something. Like a switch turned in your brain and heart and it was like, Hey now, that thing youve been so concerned about? Its OK now. Its alright. That thing for me the last couple days? Being alone. Or rather, living alone I guess.

I havent taken the time to read back to some of my previous musings. Im sure in them I must have mentioned how I havent lived alone very often and that I was worried about my ability to do that. Not in a literal sense but more in the sense of what I prefer and what I desire. I desire social settings, I desire human interaction. In a world that is becoming more and more remote, where people are feeling more and more isolated, I lived for more than a decade with my partner, my best friend, my lover, my wife. I was blessed to share my life, my home, and my bed with that person. I thrived in that environment and I feared when she passed that I would not be able to handle being without that.

After Lindsay passed part of my grief process I think was the desire to have a new companion. Its exciting to be attracted to someone, to invite them into your world, and show them what you are all about. Exciting, nerve-wracking... it makes you feel alive. At least it does for me. I make no secret of it now that I looked quickly to bring someone new into my life. Not to replace my wife and everything she meant to me. That is impossible and I think anyone who has ever had the pleasure of sharing their life with someone would tell you the same thing. That companionship however? That can take many forms. I found myself quickly sort of being infatuated with some people, wanting to fill my life with their companionship.

The past few days Ive come to a realization that I looked past some things that should have brought me pause. That isnt to say that people Ive been attracted to are all wrong for me or I would have made a huge mistake bringing them into my world. Not at all. I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons.

I dont lack for confidence. I know what I bring to a relationship, I know the kind of partner I am. I know I am capable of making someone happy, of being their support and their rock, of working together towards the common desire for us to share a happy life together. I know I can do that and I am eager to do that. My eagerness and my confidence made me look past whether or not it was the right fit, would we be compatible, and are they ready for what that all means.

Im not looking to play the field. Thats never been what has brought me joy. What I am looking for is someone who is ready for the kind of relationship I want. Someone who can match the kind of passion, love, support, and determination that I provide in a relationship. A couple of days ago I woke up and realized that I can stand to wait a little bit to find the right fit. I dont feel the need to rush towards a companion, to overwhelm them with who I am. That Im OK sharing my time with family and friends until my next partner reveals themselves to me. I think I have the right to be choosy. I have the right to at the very least compare them to what it was that I loved about Lindsay. Do they challenge me mentally like she did. Do they yearn to take on the world like she did? Do they have the tenacity to fight for what they believe in? Do they take joy out of the same little things that I do? Do they open my mind to new possibilities? Will they put me and my needs before their own just as I did for Lindsay and she did for me?

Im ready to take my time to find the next Mrs. Right. If Im being honest with myself Im not sure I felt that way until a couple days ago and Im not sure I even knew it in my heart until today.

December 17th 2023 Facebook Post

5 months?! Wow.

It's been 5 months since Lindsay passed. This last month has been busy with the holiday season and all the love and support and fun/stress that comes with it. I've been spending time with family and friends and recently I've kinda just felt... differently about being "alone". Not alone in the sense that I have all my family and friends and that amazing support around me, but in the sense of my home being mine alone.

I think for the first time since Lindsay passed I am in a place where I'm alright with this. I struggled in my own way with living alone. I think anyone who is happily married or living with a partner knows what I mean. There is a comfort to sharing your life, your home, and everything you are with your partner. I lost that in the blink of an eye more or less. From the time Lindsay received the approval of MAID to the time she passed was about a week. Regardless of all the time you prepare for it, the time it took us to receive the approval of MAID, in a week I went from sharing my home and my life with my partner to coming home to an empty house.

It wasn't really empty, it is filled with the wonderful memories we made together and the growth and love she filled me with. I've never feared my home without Lindsay here nor did I avoid it... but only recently have I found my own equilibrium in my new life, I guess. Maybe less to do with my home and more to do with just my new life. I'm more comfortable with my new life.

I'm excited for what comes next and the prospects of inviting new people to share in my world. I'm confident in who I am, what I "bring to the table", what I can endure, and what I deserve. Maybe that's what it is... I'm confident that what comes next is exciting, meaningful, tender, and kind. I don't think I was confident in that until recently. It feels good.

Yeah you count the days. It will stop eventually. My friend died on Jan 12th. To her it was significant because it was also her Husbands birthday. It's weird how that things happen like that

I think you had a post a week or so ago about dreams. I had one the other day. We were shopping which we did alot when it was early in her illness. She could walk a good bit but got winded easily. I like to think she was telling me this was the good times. I've been dealing with another health issue and it while it is only temporary it has me worried it wont be. It's been keeping me up at all hours. For instance sleep most of the day, stay up all night, not sleep for another 2 days. My friend went through a similar thing but sometimes it would be up to 5 days.

Jan 13th was my wife's birthday. What a small world.

I don't dream about her often at all, but my wife believed that when you dream of people who passed they are visiting you to make sure you're OK. I like that idea so I will stick with it, lol.

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No monumental update, but I did get myself the Snorlax Squishmallow. Look at this fucking adorable mother fucker.

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It was our company Christmas party for the kids today. As a youth care worker I don't often get the chance to dress up at all. I do every Christmas Party however.

I looked so fucking good today.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

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It was our company Christmas party for the kids today. As a youth care worker I don't often get the chance to dress up at all. I do every Christmas Party however.

I looked so fucking good today.

Keep that smile up. It shouldn't be any other way.
Glad to see you're healing process is going well.

JOSGABRIEL posted...

Keep that smile up. It shouldn't be any other way.
Glad to see you're healing process is going well.

Thanks! I feel really good lately. I'm proud of myself, how I look, how I feel... all of it.

Looking great!

Merry Christmas TC. Hope you enjoy the season even though it's a bit different this time around.

KaZooo posted...

Merry Christmas TC. Hope you enjoy the season even though it's a bit different this time around.

Yes, agreed.

Thanks guys.

All my family lives in the same city as I do so we will be spending a lot of time together over the holidays. As well, working with youth like I do, I get to see a lot of happy smiling faces and Christmas cheer. It is strange to not have Lindsay with me for the holidays. I remember the first Christmas she shared with my family, we went for a walk in the late afternoon and she asked me point blank, "So, how much of that was an act?" cause we... genuinely like each other and just like to snack and play games and spend time together? I was REALLY confused by her question and I just told her that's how we are.

She had a hard time believing that we are just kinda a 50's era family living in the 2010's (at that point). LOL

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

She had a hard time believing that we are just kinda a 50's era family living in the 2010's (at that point). LOL

That is definitely how my new in-laws are.

Merry Christmas, Jeff! I hope you enjoy the holidays even if a little rough at times.

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A few of my family members Christmas morning! The two young ones in the Santa hats are two of my nephews, the two adults in grey are my brother and sister-in-law, and the other adult is my older sister.

December 25th, 2023

I miss you tonight more than I have in a long time.

Spending Christmas Eve and Day with my family was amazing fun. It was filled with love and excitement and support and just so much fun. As I drove away from my brothers home alone in my vehicle, to my home alone... I broke into tears. For the first time in a dozen years I return home alone. Typically this time would be spent sharing stories of our experiences together and separate in the wonderful home of my brother and his family. Games played with nieces and nephews, conversations with siblings and parents, the laughs both shared and had apart from one another. We would drive away from Christmas hand-in-hand, exhausted but the kind of exhausted that is all about creating new, meaningful memories with people who love and support us.

My siblings all have their own families to share in these experiences with. Sharing the memories, sharing the love and support. My family, Lindsay, is gone. Most days Im alright with that. Im rational about it; I will find someone else I want to share my life with, to become family just as much as Lindsay was. But Christmas Day? Returning to my home alone, with nobody to share these stories and experiences with? It hurts.

Its scary, its sad, its confusing, its devastating. Its been a long time since Ive been both this happy and this soul-crushingly sad all in the same day. Its nights like this that I just dont know how I can handle all this, how this doesnt just defeat me everyday. Its times like this I understand why my family and friends all tell me how proud they are of me, how shocked they are at how positive I am, how Im not like... this, more often.

Its nights like tonight that I harbour the slightest bit of resentment, the slightest bit of entitlement, the slightest bit of anger. I didnt want you to leave me alone for even the small stuff Lindsay, much less Christmas Day. The greedy part of me resents that you left me alone, you left me behind. You brought me the greatest joys Ive ever felt and then you took them away before it was time.

I know thats not true. I know you did everything you could. I know Im being petty, selfish, entitled. Im hurt to spend the first Christmas alone since the day I met you. And I feel so much shame for how I feel. You could have given me 10 more Christmas Days and I would have wanted one more. I wanted us to grow old together and it scares and infuriates me that we didnt get that chance. But that isnt the fault of you or I. So I will rage and cry to an unfair world tonight and start tomorrow fresh.

In ways I understand your last post. It's a underlying anger that can eat at you. I was in shock the first month and lets be honest I was 100% alone for the first time in my life. There were always friends to comfort me. Unlike you I did not get the you are doing fine from people. Her daughter said you did the best you could. I could never get a bead on what she meant. One hand was she saying I didn't do enough or was she saying it was inevitable. That doubt has eat at me since Did I really do enough? I don't know. Lets also know I really didn't grieve. I went from taking care of her hoping she might live another year to shock over her passing to preparing her funeral arrangment then got ill and could no longer drive to take care of my self. It's almost 2 years on and I'm getting worse not better.

There is a chance for a little brightness. One of those friends made contact today. Although it was just more than seasons greetings it's the first time we have talked in 3 years. It's nice to know I'm still in their thoughts. They know some of the early events but not all.

There was tons of brightness for sure. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were amazingly fun. I love spending time with my family and seeing the nieces and nephews open presents and play and then tucker out as the day goes on is just wonderful.

Not being able to share that with Lindsay is a kick in the pants and made me sad. At times I forget that she was dying. It wasn't like she just decided to "give up". Yes she used MAID but also you don't get to use MAID if doctors don't agree with the fact that like... yeah, you're dying and what you're living through is not good. It's a greedy feeling that you wanted them to give you more. When I hit my birthday the week after she passed I was like, "If only you could have made it until after my birthday..."

Then I felt that again here on Christmas. I suspect it is a very common feeling regardless of when, how, and why your partner passes away. A shameful bitterness that they left. I think it's natural, I think it's common, I think it is just going to be something that you feel from time to time.

At least I'm in the place where I don't beat myself up for them too much, I let myself feel my feelings, later when I'm feeling more in a place to break down those feelings I do that, and I move on with my life in a more positive headspace.

After a Christmas two day session of gluttony and chill, I'm back to my healthier habits and I'm feeling pretty good. Got some beard oil as I've never used it before, just because. It's nice to look your best and be deliberate with how you look.

And beard oil smells good!

SweetNut_Farm posted...

And beard oil smells good!

This is true as well.

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Yeah!!!!

Congrats!

Jeff, it has to be hard after spending a decade plus with someone else. I can't imagine it, but can imagine there will be days like this...no stranger to that change.

After overcoming my own grief/bitterness that i lost my first love last April, I have made strides to move forward with what Joanne gave me - i was not a man who could tell a woman i was interested in her 3 years ago, yet here i am making another woman so happy on her birthday (Dec 30)...All thanks to a dutch woman who had the courage to say "i have a crush on you" in animal crossing. Never put yourselves down - you have the power to make a significant difference in someone else's life. Whether that person is across the world, or next door to you. :)

January 1st 2024 Facebook Post

And so ends the most difficult year of my life.

2023 was the year my life ended and an entirely different life began. I started 2023 as a husband, a partner, a caregiver, and best friend to a wonderful woman who was dying a horrible, slow, painful, unfair death. I balanced all of these things while knowing we were seeking to use MAID to end her suffering. Balancing the rational side of me that knew my best friend and partner did not deserve to live such a horrible existence while the emotional side of me wanted just one more year, one more month, one more holiday.

That balancing act all ended on July 17th 2023 at 5:31pm. That life ended at that precise moment and I started a new life. When I started that new life I began to journal how I was feeling, what I was struggling with, my proudest moments in the experience and my shame. It is a record of grief and what grief looks like. I thought to share a little piece of what grief can look like from what I journaled on Christmas Day. A week ago.

**********
"Its scary, its sad, its confusing, its devastating. Its been a long time since Ive been both this happy and this soul-crushingly sad all in the same day. Its nights like this that I just dont know how I can handle all this, how this doesnt just defeat me everyday. Its times like this I understand why my family and friends all tell me how proud they are of me, how shocked they are at how positive I am, how Im not like... this, more often.

Its nights like tonight that I harbour the slightest bit of resentment, the slightest bit of entitlement, the slightest bit of anger. I didnt want you to leave me alone for even the small stuff Lindsay, much less Christmas Day. The greedy part of me resents that you left me alone, you left me behind. You brought me the greatest joys Ive ever felt and then you took them away before it was time.

I know thats not true. I know you did everything you could. I know Im being petty, selfish, entitled. Im hurt to spend the first Christmas alone since the day I met you. And I feel so much shame for how I feel. You could have given me 10 more Christmas Days and I would have wanted one more. I wanted us to grow old together and it scares and infuriates me that we didnt get that chance. But that isnt the fault of you or I. So I will rage and cry to an unfair world tonight and start tomorrow fresh."
******

It felt appropriate on January 1st 2024 to share that experience. I'm not looking for validation or anything like that. I know I shouldn't feel shame in my feelings at all. I don't beat myself up for having those feelings nor the momentary shame in those feelings from time to time. It's all part of the grief process and it will be a part of me forever.

What I am really starting to understand, and I think I will appreciate more and more throughout 2024, is that I am privileged to have ever had someone in my life that meant this much to me. And what's more, to surround myself with more people who make me feel like that in 2024.

It's my first New Year as a brand new human being. It's my first New Year as a widow, as a widow looking for the next great adventure in another person, and as a widow eager to share that experience with the world.

Starting off 2024 pretty well overall. Feeling good, feeling healthy and strong. Hopefully I can meet some wonderful woman and get back dating.

Good luck. The dating game was always rough for me.

dummy420 posted...

Good luck. The dating game was always rough for me.

I don't think it's gonna be easy at almost 40, but I dunno, it's also kinda exciting to meet new people and get to know them and all that jazz.

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

I don't think it's gonna be easy at almost 40, but I dunno, it's also kinda exciting to meet new people and get to know them and all that jazz.

I did it at 40. I personally didn't find it too bad at all between dating apps and using Meetup to make friends and get a social circle going. I met me wife through that social circle.

The nice thing about 40 and is women in their 20s, 30s and 40s are all interested.

Meh this topic makes me realise how much I worry about my wife. Shes always got something wrong with her. Shes got heart conditions, diverticula disease and a variety of other bits and bobs. She had back surgery not too long ago to thats affected her mobility. She gets constant migraines which put her in bed for days at a time.

Ive kinda resigned myself shes going to go before me and I dread having to face it when that day comes or more specifically the months and years leading up to that point.

Even if its 20 / 30 years from now. Shes just not a healthy person. Were both 40 and ever since I first met her shes deteriorated a lot in the last ten years health wise. Just needed to vent. Its one of the reasons I was so heart broken by your story over the last few years because I can see myself having to face seeing my wife go downhill as well albeit probably on a longer scale.

SHRlKE posted...

Meh this topic makes me realise how much I worry about my wife. Shes always got something wrong with her. Shes got heart conditions, diverticula disease and a variety of other bits and bobs. She had back surgery not too long ago to thats affected her mobility. She gets constant migraines which put her in bed for days at a time.

Ive kinda resigned myself shes going to go before me and I dread having to face it when that day comes or more specifically the months and years leading up to that point.

Even if its 20 / 30 years from now. Shes just not a healthy person. Were both 40 and ever since I first met her shes deteriorated a lot in the last ten years health wise. Just needed to vent. Its one of the reasons I was so heart broken by your story over the last few years because I can see myself having to face seeing my wife go downhill as well albeit probably on a longer scale.

That sounds rough. And not to discount this AT ALL, but there is an opposite side to this too. I am 46 and my wife is 31. I worry about how I will likely seriously decline waaaaay before she does, and I hate that I will do that to her.

bsp77 posted...

That sounds rough. And not to discount this AT ALL, but there is an opposite side to this too. I am 46 and my wife is 31. I worry about how I will likely seriously decline waaaaay before she does, and I hate that I will do that to her.

Not at all. Weve all got our own stories to tell.

I often find myself having really morbid thoughts like would I rather she die quickly and unexpected from her heart issues or watching her decline slowly over a number of years. I often think that about myself as well. If I could chose how to go how would I want it? How would people react. How would my wife cope. So I get you.

Getting older and seeing relatives and friends die in different ways like suddenly in traffic accidents / cancer over a number of years / short illnesses gives you a lot of perspective on how crap can life be.

I guess you just got to live for the moment and make every second count. Me and the wife always say we love each other to the point it must look silly to others due to how often we do it but Id hate to not say it one day as shes leaving for work and something happen to her.

SHRlKE posted...

Not at all. Weve all got our own stories to tell.

I often find myself having really morbid thoughts like would I rather she die quickly and unexpected from her heart issues or watching her decline slowly over a number of years. I often think that about myself as well. If I could chose how to go how would I want it? How would people react. How would my wife cope. So I get you.

Getting older and seeing relatives and friends die in different ways like suddenly in traffic accidents / cancer over a number of years / short illnesses gives you a lot of perspective on how crap can life be.

Yeah, I get it

I guess you just got to live for the moment and make every second count. Me and the wife always say we love each other to the point it must look silly to others due to how often we do it but Id hate to not say it one day as shes leaving for work and something happen to her.

We are the same. Multiple times a day. Only been married a couple months though