Current Events > Lizzo should do the next James Bond theme

(+) Yeah! (+)

Before you all go "what, that gross fucking lard-whale" or "does Rock Band 4 not censoring Juice mean I'm allowed to say the n-word?" in the traditional CE troll-ass fashion, let me pose an actual argument.

Despite what you might have originally been shitty about in her music, the EP that broke her into the mainstream has a ton of vocal range in different styles. Juice is an upbeat 80's pop throwback, but the EP itself is named after a song that's a huge 1970's RnB throwback - Because I Love You:

https://youtu.be/NqjPqsry7no

The verses are absolutely in her own style, but I want you to listen to that opening name-drop and then through to the first chorus. Not that I'm expecting good faith from this shit-hole, but if you gave it an honest shot I'm sure you would be able to recognise her actual talent, in her ability to belt to the rafters if absolutely nothing else.

Compare her singing with that of Tom Jones on Thunderball:

https://youtu.be/Ia6-5gC5ArM

Or Gladys Knight on License to Kill:

https://youtu.be/e1iRaS3gqws

Or Tina Turner on GoldenEye:

https://youtu.be/4hGQ97tCTOs

Maybe you're concerned with sex appeal. Tom Jones has traditionally been known as a very hunky man. Gladys Knight is an attractive woman on the merit of her looks and singing. Tina Turner was an icon unto herself. And look at all the other names in Bond movie theme history - Nancy Sinatra, Duran Duran, Chris Cornell. Well-known, perhaps considered exceptionally sexy in their time.

In reality, Bond themes are usually set to models and go-go dancers with the theme complementing this image of a raw, sexually compelling and dangerous super-spy. Tom Jones is complimenting James Bond and lending his raw charisma to that image. Gladys Knight and Tina Turner aren't Bond Girls - they're singing about how desirable and dangerous he is just as much as Tom Jones is. Bond themes tend to puff James Bond up.

So you have bold, confident, charismatic songs lending to this inflated image of what James Bond is. You can do that regardless of gender, sexual preference etc. - they're just really solid, powerful songs that complement the James Bond character and set the stage for the entertainment that's soon to follow.

I think Lizzo has the chops to do one of the best Bond themes in years. Again, I remember CE's reaction to Lizzo being to talk about how fat she is and how they don't want to fuck her, but consider her actual talent and the energy and charisma she brings to her music. Even if her latest album/singles were a bit light on personality, she's shown both range and charisma in the past that would serve a Bond theme pretty well if given the chance.

Call it "woke", because of course you would, or say it's because she's a bad fit. Plenty of people have done Bond themes while not being Peak Sexy or placing themselves in a position where they're talking about being a part of his life. All that a good Bond song has to be is dramatic, sexy and charismatic. Lizzo has the range to do all three.

one of my favorite bond stories ever is tom jones asking them "what does striking like thunderball mean" and them telling him to just shut up and sing the song

No.

Tig posted...

No.

User Since: Nov 2004
Karma: 927

MrMallard posted...

User Since: Nov 2004
Karma: 927

I don't live here.
Cry some more because others have a different opinion. It's what people here do best.

Yes and James Bond himself should be overweight and his lover a man with a least 3 disabilities to be as culturally inclusive to as many people as possible

Dragon56 posted...

It's like some people just can't resist.

Anyways the singing chops are definitely there, but I'm honestly not sure what criteria they go by for bond songs.

Tig posted...

I don't live here.

Well, you sure came running fast when you saw Lizzo in the title.

Dragon56 posted...

Yes and James Bond himself should be overweight and

ohmigod james bond is gonna be in a queer ethically polygamous circlejerk because sam smith did the theme song, the woke police are ruining james bond listen to meeeeee

I just want something that fucks as hard as You Know My Name. I don't care who does it.

Dragon56 posted...

Yes and James Bond himself should be overweight and his lover a man with a least 3 disabilities to be as culturally inclusive to as many people as possible

What nonsense are you talking now?

Bond does not take on the characteristics of the person singing the theme tune. Neither Shirley Bassey (three tries!) nor Tom Jones managed to make him Welsh.

I don't see why Lizzo couldn't do it. She has the ability and the profile.

She definitely has the vocal range and the flair to pull it off.

I think it would be fine. She's a good vocalist and perhaps her flute skills would enhance it.

MrMallard posted...

"does Rock Band 4 not censoring Juice mean I'm allowed to say the n-word?" in the traditional CE troll-ass fashion, let me pose an actual argument.

This made me lol

Lizzo absolutely has the skills to do the theme. The whole arguing with yourself in the opening post is a bit ridiculous, though. Trying to preempt the trolls just shows how badly they affect you.

Aridi posted...

Lizzo absolutely has the skills to do the theme. The whole arguing with yourself in the opening post is a bit ridiculous, though. Trying to preempt the trolls just shows how badly they affect you.

and no matter how thoroughly you preemptively rebut their remark, they just offhandedly throw out the same garbage you already addressed.

Aridi posted...

Lizzo absolutely has the skills to do the theme. The whole arguing with yourself in the opening post is a bit ridiculous, though. Trying to preempt the trolls just shows how badly they affect you.

I posted here almost daily for six years. I know how the most dumb-fuck, slack-jawed morons on this board post.

Not only she should do the theme, she should also be the next James Bond.

Dragon56 posted...

Yes and James Bond himself should be overweight and his lover a man with a least 3 disabilities to be as culturally inclusive to as many people as possible

On a scale of 1 to injuring yourself in your tantrum, how triggered are you going to be if Bond is ever played by a black man?

I don't see a problem with it. Could be good. Can't be any worse than the theme for Die Another Day (Madonna's cool but that song EEEEWWW, IMO of course)