Current Events > Old Simpsons jokes you remember randomly, Part 2

(+) Yeah! (+)

Krusty: "Sex cauldron? I thought they closed that place down?"

We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

"Did you know disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue... aaaay!"

"Uh, your fish are dead."

"Yeah, I know. I can't get them out of there."

'All God asks for is one hour a week."

"Then He should have made the week an hour longer! Lousy God..."

Homer, my eyes are up here.

I made my choice.

Lunchlady Doris: Hey Brushhead, you've been nursing that thing for an hour!
Bart: I was just wondering how anyone who works in an ice cream parlor can keep such a trim figure.
Lunchlady Doris: I've misjudged you.

"Welcome to the electric car of the future! Sponsored by the gasoline producers of America."

"Hello, I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast, or very far, and if you drive me people will think you're gay."

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/0/0/8/AAABTgAAEeYQ.jpg

"You're serving us gruel?"

"Not quite. This is Krusty-brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference."

Ralph: That's where I saw the Leprechaun.
Bart: Right Leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.

"Go to bread."

Homer have you been drinking?
Nooo! Well, 10 beers.

I got this in the Second World War II.

"I want the smartest hamster you've got!"
"Okay, uh...this little guy writes mysteries under the name J.D. MacGregor."
"How can a hamster write mysteries?"
"Well, he gets the ending first, and then he works backward."

Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial, me own father got thrown in the bog.

"Grampa, where'd you get all the money?"
"The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment I'LL RAISE HELL!"

Also:
Bum: "Hey buddy, got any spare change?"
Abe: "Yes, and you ain't getting it! People these days, always want something for nothing."
*walks into a Social Security office*
Abe: "I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Homie, do you ever drink alone?"
*thinks* "...Does the Lord count as a person?"

WilliamPorygon posted...

"Grampa, where'd you get all the money?"
"The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment I'LL RAISE HELL!"

Also:
Bum: "Hey buddy, got any spare change?"
Abe: "Yes, and you ain't getting it! People these days, always want something for nothing."
*walks into a Social Security office*
Abe: "I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Didn't you wonder why you were getting paid for nothing?"

"I figured it's 'cuz the Democrats were in power again."

masterpug53 posted...

"Homie, do you ever drink alone?"
*thinks* "...Does the Lord count as a person?"

"You know Homer, most people pray silently."

*points upward*
"Marge, He's way the Hell up there!!!"

Lis, check it out. Time for chili.

Alcohol... the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems

If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch!

"Marge fraulein! I am home!"

"You're not my husband!"

"Ja, please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient German sex."

"Well, I sure don't feel like cooking..."

"D'oh!"

"A deer!"

"A female deer!"

"Zookeeper, zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other!"
"They're having sex."
"Oh."

Anytime I hear someone say the word battle I always respond in my head (usually) Whats a battle

https://youtu.be/GX4fdRoHy3E

So that's it, after twenty years, so long, good luck?
I don't recall saying good luck.

Sweet merciful crap! My car!

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed dropped it would explode. I think it was called The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

*sniff* "That's Regular! She needs Premium, dude! PREEMIUM!!! DUUUUDE!!!"

"Needs more eye of newt."

"You always want more eye of newt! If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes."

Hey, that's not the wallet inspector.

"Well Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy."
"Ooh, look at me, I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaane!" *slams door*

*peeks in* "Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic."
"Well duh."

In your FACE, space coyote!

Its like he disappeared into fat air!

*Homer, with hooks in his face forcing him to smile, throws an angry glare at the man next to him who also has hooks in his face forcing him to smile.*

"What the hell are you smilin' at?"

"Marge, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am"

"Do you see a light, Homer?"

"Yes"

"Then walk towards it, my son!"

*zapping sounds*

"YEEEEAAAAARRRGHHH!!!"

Homer, we're out of vodka

"Oh, a five-THIRteen!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X3QTBtcjsA

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!!

Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

I don't know if it counts as a joke, but one line I can't forget is, "I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation," after telling his parents that George Bush spanked him.

Homer: "You said 'tavern', I'm going to Moe's!"

Marge: "I never agreed to that rule!"

WilliamPorygon posted...

Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

Omfg, the owner of the company I work for is named Joe Jr. and I think of calling him Joju all the time because of this line lol

PeteyParker posted...

Homer, we're out of vodka

"Tell the people, Homer! They have a right to know about the celebrities' summer house."

"Who are you?"

"What do you care!? I'm telling you what you want to hear!"

Just realized there's a new Dankmus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMmxSEiqtdQ&ab_channel=Dankmus

Half of my jokes are from the simpsons... I used to sleep with the simpsons on for about 5 years in my life... its imprinted in my brain

I love homer and his nonsensical personality...

"Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?"