Current Events > I think I may need to call an ambulance and force my father to go to the

(+) Yeah! (+)

Haejin posted...

Maybe VA covers certain amount of hours for a in home nurse to come, atleast then they can monitor the important things. I don't know though.

Monitoring isnt what he needs though. And his vitals were pretty good when checked by the emts.

Im trying to figure out who to call at the va

Maybe some advancement?

Everytime I go near the living room (he has been sleeping on the couch for like 30 years... he basically prefers it to a bed I think? ) I have to hold my nose. And I bought Vicks for when I have to spend an extended amount of time in there... But he always askes if it's stinky, and I have to tell him of course it is, he's covered in his own shit... and he's getting it all over the place. To which he has basically started going "oh shit..." like he doesn't realize...

I told him, again, he needs to go to the hospital because he's not taking care of himself and he can't take care of himself...

"I'm getting there"...

So that's an improvement.

Then he askes me for some food, I end up offering him a ham sandwhich or a frozen dinner. He asks what kind of frozen dinner, I give him the choice of beef and broccoli or steak and mashed potatoes, he chose the steak and mashed potatoes.

8 minutes later... I put it on the TV tray

"What's that?"

"The steak and mashed potatoes you asked for"

"DON'T BE NASTY!"

Sigh.

I'm going to be honest, TC, I obviously don't know your life or how he was before he ended up in this situation, but it sounds to me like he's being actively malicious to you for the sake of it. The fact that every single one of his kids aside from you went N/C supports that idea.

I know we like to hate on reddit, but you could maybe ask for help on r/legaladvice. They at least have an occasional lawyer chime in.

If hes literally covered in feces he needs to be in assisted living even if it isnt what he wants

someone has to care for someone in that kind of need, end of story. It can be family or it can be healthcare workers but it has to be done whether he likes it or not

pegusus123456 posted...

I'm going to be honest, TC, I obviously don't know your life or how he was before he ended up in this situation, but it sounds to me like he's being actively malicious to you for the sake of it. The fact that every single one of his kids aside from you went N/C supports that idea.

I know we like to hate on reddit, but you could maybe ask for help on r/legaladvice. They at least have an occasional lawyer chime in.

Oh, I don't blame my siblings for whatever reasons they have for not being in contact. And he was never the easiest farther to grow up with for me... but from what I understand, he was quite a bit worse for them. I know he's been somewhat... of an asshole since I moved back in. He continually ate my food, and more importantly, drank my soda... which is always diet because I'm diabetic. Nevermind he had his own soda and plenty of it, but if I left mine out, he'd drink it first.

But it's not like I can get up and leave at this point...

VampireCoyote posted...

If hes literally covered in feces he needs to be in assisted living even if it isnt what he wants

someone has to care for someone in that kind of need, end of story. It can be family or it can be healthcare workers but it has to be done whether he likes it or not

Not sure how many times I have to repeat that I literally can't force him... I've already made it clear I think he needs to be somewhere else to get the help he needs. He's refused, as is his legal right.

a person cant just be left in their own feces, if they are making that choice then they clearly arent capable of making their own decisions anymore

hes gonna end up septic

VampireCoyote posted...

a person cant just be left in their own feces, if they are making that choice then they clearly arent capable of making their own decisions anymore

hes gonna end up septic

Okay... and? Do you think you know more than the Firefighters and EMTs that where here last night?

He. Can't. Be. Forced.

I dont think I know more than anybody it just breaks my heart the idea of a man in that kind of condition. He needs help and at a certain point someone needs to be cared for even if they refuse the care because they cant make the decision for themself anymore

i was a caregiver and a nursing assistant for many years and the idea of someone just being left in their feces is beyond inhumane

this situation isnt your fault but you might want to consider making some phone calls to speak with a social worker or something and see what options might be available because it sounds like just a nightmarish thing for the both of you

VampireCoyote posted...

I dont think I know more than anybody it just breaks my heart the idea of a man in that kind of condition. He needs help and at a certain point someone needs to be cared for even if they refuse the care because they cant make the decision for themself anymore

i was a caregiver and a nursing assistant for many years and the idea of someone just being left in their feces is beyond inhumane

this situation isnt your fault but you might want to consider making some phone calls to speak with a social worker or something and see what options might be available because it sounds like just a nightmarish thing for the both of you

That's fine, but you coming in here and repeating things that have already been explained is accusatory.

I've already shown I've tried, repeatedly to get him to go to the doctor or hospital.

was not trying to be accusatory so Im sorry that I came across that way

Are you able to get him on hospice at least? That way he can stay home still.

Personally Id get a POA and get him in a nursing home.

--Zero- posted...

Personally Id get a POA and get him in a nursing home.

I've already said repeatedly we don't have the money for a nursing home... even if I can get a POA or Guardianship (the term for where I live.)

is he on medicaid? That should cover basic care for him if he needs it

VampireCoyote posted...

is he on medicaid? That should cover basic care for him if he needs it

Only if you have absolutely no assets. It would require selling the house.

Good luck!

ZangsBeard posted...

I've already said repeatedly we don't have the money for a nursing home... even if I can get a POA or Guardianship (the term for where I live.)

I personally know from experience working in nursing homes that money is not a factor. Youll hear that its $10k a month to live in some places, but really insurance covers all of that. He might not go to the nicest looking nursing home, but there are some out there he can go to with no money out of anyones pockets in your family. Contacting a social worker to help guide you through this process would be my advice for now. If he is unable to take care of himself then it can be determined he cant make his own decisions which would put you on the position to force him to go as his guardian. Heres a couple articles that might help some.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/155888

https://seniorsafetyadvice.com/what-to-do-with-aging-parents-who-have-no-money/

--Zero- posted...

I personally know from experience working in nursing homes that money is not a factor. Youll hear that its $10k a month to live in some places, but really insurance covers all of that. He might not go to the nicest looking nursing home, but there are some out there he can go to with no money out of anyones pockets in your family. Contacting a social worker to help guide you through this process would be my advice for now. If he is unable to take care of himself then it can be determined he cant make his own decisions which would put you in the position to force him to go as his guardian. Heres a couple articles that might help some.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/155888

https://seniorsafetyadvice.com/what-to-do-with-aging-parents-who-have-no-money/

I already know for a fact, because my grandfather had already gone through this, the only way is to have no assets before they will pay. It would require him losing his house, and anything else he owns first. After thats all gone then its covered. Its not so simple. Simply because we dont have the money to pay for it outright doesnt make it free in the slightest.

My grandfather has gone through the nursing homes, lost his house, and has had to bounce around several relative homes over the past 5 years. Including this one before my mom died.

All this still requires, which isnt easily done, either him agreeing to go, or me forcing him through legal action.

Ah okay well I hope you take the advice for many of us that have said to contact a social worker and look at your options. After reading the topic I can tell youre not wanting to hear what to do because you dont believe you have the options and want people to listen to you. I really hope this works out for you and your dad gets the care he needs eventually. Ive seen this situation so many times working Hospice where families feel stuck and overwhelmed.

If he goes to a nursing home then the house shouldnt matter since he wont be living in it any longer. I know you probably look at the house as a life line since your currently unemployed, but this would be the chance to find employment and a place of your own while the house is being sold.

I havent asked for any advice, this has mostly been a venting topic. However I am reading the advice given

Ambulances are hella expensive. You're better off just driving him to the hospital yourself.

VampireCoyote posted...

is he on medicaid? That should cover basic care for him if he needs it

Does it? Medicaid pays like shit. A lot of services refuse it because they know they ain't gonna get much >_>

does he have a doctor? if so, call the doctor and make a phone ap[pointment to report on how bad your dad is doing

The_Wheelman1 posted...

Ambulances are hella expensive. You're better off just driving him to the hospital yourself.

I can barely move him to get him off the couch

i got up because I had to deal with taking trash and recycling to the dump. 67 bags worth... of course its a literal blizzard out.

In his belligerence he decided to get up and go to the kitchen so he could feed himself... too bad he shit along the way and hes been shitting in a chair in there. and of course he did it right in front of me... and I told him as much. Which made him mad and he said he didnt. I finally made him look at the floor and he accepted that he is actually shitting himself. Well for now anyway.

god damn it.

this reminds me a bit of my dad before he passed. He was never as bad as what I've read here, but just that general sense of being aware that your body is failing you and you can't love and independent life. You don't want to go to the hospital or a nursing home but at the same time you don't want to be a burden on your family, and you have nothing to do but sit on your couch because doing anything else hurts too much

my condolences

ZangsBeard posted...

In his belligerence he decided to get up and go to the kitchen so he could feed himself

Wait, so he can walk around? Unlike what you said in your first post?

Yeah, he's deliberately fucking with you.

My father-in-law died from cancer a few months ago and some of the behavior sounds familiar actually. Luckily he wasn't as bad as this and he wasn't sitting in his own shit but right before he went to the hospital he suddenly would get very easily agitated and would quickly forget things he asked for a few minutes ago. We assumed it was his pain making him agitated or something.

But he agreed to go to the hospital not long afterwards and good thing we did because it got a lot worse very quickly. Suddenly all of the doctors were trying to kill him and kill us. He got extremely paranoid and panicked. It turned out his calcium was spiking. Hypercalcemia. In the long run it was technically the hypercalcemia that ended up killing him (although triggered by his cancer).

I'm not a doctor so I'm not saying it's happening here but if his cancer has come back it can cause his brain to almost resemble someone with Alzheimer's.

Regardless this is way too much pressure for you to deal with. Hopefully you can convince him to go to the hospital soon. Sorry for your situation.

Alexanaxela posted...

this reminds me a bit of my dad before he passed. He was never as bad as what I've read here, but just that general sense of being aware that your body is failing you and you can't love and independent life. You don't want to go to the hospital or a nursing home but at the same time you don't want to be a burden on your family, and you have nothing to do but sit on your couch because doing anything else hurts too much

my condolences

Thanks. Yeah I dont necessarily blame him for wanting the dignity of staying at home. He also has, and pardon my macabre pun, a terminal case of Ill/itll get better soon. Hes that way about his vehicle and other things too. Oh itll just go away on its own.

Im trying not to lose my patience and help him the best I can... at least not losing it at him and waiting until Im alone.

pegusus123456 posted...

Wait, so he can walk around? Unlike what you said in your first post?

Yeah, he's deliberately fucking with you.

It takes a lot of work. Like over an hour of working on it, so yeah. He... can. But its not exactly easy on him.

Punished_Blinx posted...

My father-in-law died from cancer a few months ago and some of the behavior sounds familiar actually. Luckily he wasn't as bad as this and he wasn't sitting in his own shit but right before he went to the hospital he suddenly would get very easily agitated and would quickly forget things he asked for a few minutes ago. We assumed it was his pain making him agitated or something.

But he agreed to go to the hospital not long afterwards and good thing we did because it got a lot worse very quickly. Suddenly all of the doctors were trying to kill him and kill us. He got extremely paranoid and panicked. It turned out his calcium was spiking. Hypercalcemia. In the long run it was technically the hypercalcemia that ended up killing him (although triggered by his cancer).

I'm not a doctor so I'm not saying it's happening here but if his cancer has come back it can cause his brain to almost resemble someone with Alzheimer's.

Regardless this is way too much pressure for you to deal with. Hopefully you can convince him to go to the hospital soon. Sorry for your situation.

Thanks for the kind words.

Find out who your Congressman is. Congressional offices are supposed to have staff that know about VA benefits. There may be a provision for this situation.

Pas5wordFAQ posted...

Find out who your Congressman is. Congressional offices are supposed to have staff that know about VA benefits. There may be a provision for this situation.

Interesting. Thank you.

To those jumping to hes doing these things with intention to be malicious, simply because he can sometimes do something doesnt mean he always can. I dont know if theres an analogous term for physical ability, but he kind of sundowns where if hes decently rested he can sit himself up. But a lot of the time he cant even manage that.

ZangsBeard posted...

To those jumping to hes doing these things with intention to be malicious, simply because he can sometimes do something doesnt mean he always can. I dont know if theres an analogous term for physical ability, but he kind of sundowns where if hes decently rested he can sit himself up. But a lot of the time he cant even manage that.

It depends on exactly what his problem is but since he refuses to go to a hospital we can't say for sure. Arthritis comes and goes and that's fairly common in old people.

Tell him you are kicking if out if he doesnt go to the hospital

refmon posted...

Tell him you are kicking if out if he doesnt go to the hospital

Kicking him out... of his own home? Huh... yeah.

Tyranthraxus posted...

It depends on exactly what his problem is but since he refuses to go to a hospital we can't say for sure. Arthritis comes and goes and that's fairly common in old people.

Im more referring to the idea of being able to do things when youre well rested and degrading throughout the day. Sun downing is usually referred For people who have Alzheimers or other cognitive decline. Im just wondering if theres kind of a term for a physical decline like that.

I'm sorry. That's a really rough situation on the both of you.

For what it's worth, I think you have a big heart and lots of patience to take care of him.

Hes been markedly more self sufficient the past few days. While this is good it also means a lot more mopping.

He made a comment that his ass hurt yesterday and I told him again he needs to go to the doctor and he at least said yeah

Improvement I guess.