Current Events > Are you 30+ years old and still single?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I had the mindset of basically everyone in this topic, I was shortish (5'8) and an extremely awkward virgin at 28. I'd also been diagnosed with literal schizophrenia.

First girl I finally got with(who was very pretty, but was telling me she loved me after a few months and a conservative anti abortion type) after the years of loneliness and desperately wanting a relationship to the point I thought I'd settle for anyone, I was suddenly in a position where somebody liked me more than I liked them and I decided I could do better/it wasn't a good match for me....

Despite me probably not handling that as good as I could, I've dated 2 more people in a healthier manner since (I'm 31 now) and am just... Finally feeling like an adult with something to offer.

So don't give up guys

Stick it out with dating apps. Actually get good, non blurry photos, and make an interesting bio. Don't half ass it. Be honest, kind, respectful and curious and... just keep trying. Dating apps should really be cheat mode for shy introverted guys, because the alternative of trying to ask out strangers in person is still daunting to me.

FaytlessHearts posted...

Right but none of that is worth anything to me if I can't be happy. I truly don't care about other people's feelings or who would 'miss' me. Really don't. This life is not meant to be lived alone, and I want no part in it if that's going to be how it is. I hope others can do what you say, find passion, live for their loved ones, etc. My personal happiness is not being alone, no matter how successful I may be.

This sounds concerning. But what is stopping you from finding someone? Are you actually doing anything?

@FaytlessHearts
FaytlessHearts posted...

Right but none of that is worth anything to me if I can't be happy. I truly don't care about other people's feelings or who would 'miss' me. Really don't. This life is not meant to be lived alone, and I want no part in it if that's going to be how it is. I hope others can do what you say, find passion, live for their loved ones, etc. My personal happiness is not being alone, no matter how successful I may be.

Needing to be happy is perfectly normal, but having a girlfriend won't magically make you happy. Nothing does that, really. You ought to try and see a professional about these issues so you can work towards being a better, happier version of yourself. I'm not saying that to be cliche either.

35 Y/o never had much in the way of dating and or relationships.

I'm not really in the mindset that it will or won't happen. Trying to take things one day at a time cheesy as that may sound and work on achieving my goals (not related to relationships).

36 was in a relationship but after all that shit I aint looking.

I feel the same as post #16, just subtract 6 years from the time limit.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Stick it out with dating apps.

I quit dating apps because I kept getting liked by people I was not interested in... And those likes were also quite rare as well. I have thought to return to them a few times just to keep the flame burning, but idk.

There might be someone from my past who I maybe want to date but I have no clue how to reconnect with them without being weird and I don't think they have a good impression of me anyway. That is just a wish though. They gave me a chance to talk to them at one point but I was so nervous we just sat beside each other until it was time to move on.

I will probably get back on OLD after this topic however. I don't really like dating either but it's costless gambling basically.

darkmaian23 posted...

@FaytlessHearts

Needing to be happy is perfectly normal, but having a girlfriend won't magically make you happy. Nothing does that, really. You ought to try and see a professional about these issues so you can work towards being a better, happier version of yourself. I'm not saying that to be cliche either.

Meds, therapy, and counseling haven't swayed my mind, doubt anything will.

@bsp77

Yeah. I'm attractive too, that's the worst part. 20 dating apps and spittin' in person hasn't done me any good in 5+ years. All taken or no replies. I've never met anyone from any of these dating apps lol

Also, every partner I've ever had in my life has also cheated on me so I'm sure that's messed my mind up. There is not a person alive that can convince me that 9 out of 10 women cheat. They all do, and the ones you think wouldn't, also do. I've not given up, but I have my entire exit planned out to the T should my 'expiration' date roll by before I find happiness :>

Besides. More resources for other people globally without me, right?

Reading this topic makes me think that microplastics affecting mens testosterone is probably real lol

So many just giving up. Its kind of sad. I got married at age 30, so people should never give up.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

I quit dating apps because I kept getting liked by people I was not interested in... And those likes were also quite rare as well. I have thought to return to them a few times just to keep the flame burning, but idk.

There might be someone from my past who I maybe want to date but I have no clue how to reconnect with them without being weird and I don't think they have a good impression of me anyway. That is just a wish though. They gave me a chance to talk to them at one point but I was so nervous we just sat beside each other until it was time to move on.

I will probably get back on OLD after this topic however. I don't really like dating either but it's costless gambling basically.

You should get back into it. You might have the first few matches and conversations be total duds, the first girl you meet in person might not like you, but damn it's not impossible like some people claim. Something will spark eventually

Zikten posted...

Yep

I'm 41. I had a high school girlfriend in 1997. That's it. I know that I have missed my window. But I'm ok with it. I gave up a long time ago.

never had sex? Does it bother you? Like in a I never got to use my D and now its gonna stop working soon anyway kind of way

Heartomaton posted...

I feel the same as post #16, just subtract 6 years from the time limit.

35 is my rough number (33 now) but I kind of want to stick around for my dog and cat to kick it first. Literally all I have.

FaytlessHearts posted...

Yeah. I'm attractive too, that's the worst part. 20 dating apps and spittin' in person hasn't done me any good in 5+ years. All taken or no replies. I've never met anyone from any of these dating apps lol

Something is wrong with your profile then. If you are attractive and have decent pics / bio, you will get matches. Are there people with experience that you can show your profile to, including women? That can help a ton.

Also, if you get matches but can't get a convo going, what are you sending them? You can't just say "hi" or "what's up". Alternatively, trying to be too witty can often backfire. Ask a question about their interests from their profile while giving a tease (but not full response) about your own answer to that question. They will want to answer about themselves but also know more about your answer.

Also, every partner I've ever had in my life has also cheated on me so I'm sure that's messed my mind up. There is not a pweson alive that can convince me that 9 out of 10 women cheat. I've not given up, but I have my entire exit planned out to the T should my 'expiration' date roll by before I find happiness :>

That's just bad luck. I have never had anyone cheat on me. Most women don't cheat, at least certainly when talking 25+.

FaytlessHearts posted...

35 is my rough number (33 now) but I kind of want to stick around for my dog and cat to kick it first. Literally all I have.

isnt friends and family enough? Come on dont say that

Oh and completely rid yourself of the mindset you've gotta be confident, or "alpha" or anything like that. Those are words that will just confuse you if you've been a shy introvert all your life

Focus on honesty, respectful and kind. Those things are actually easy to be. Anyone can be that shit. And if you truly are that stuff you will get somewhere with people

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Oh and completely rid yourself of the mindset you've gotta be confident, or "alpha" or anything like that. Those are words that will just confuse you if you've been a shy introvert all your life

Focus on honesty, respectful and kind. Those things are actually easy to be. Anyone can be that shit.

Confidence helps a ton and is not "alpha". However, I do agree that being confident when you aren't confident is impossible. So you aren't wrong regarding being honest, respectful and kind, but don't be nice to the point of agreeing with everything. Be your own person. As success happens, even if just a few dates, confidence will rise.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

You should get back into it. You might have the first few matches and conversations be total duds, the first girl you meet in person might not like you, but damn it's not impossible like some people claim. Something will spark eventually

I have have only had one date from online dating and we were sooooo different, but she was a great person.

I find people who are closer to my interests or some expression like that often have their plate full romantically and sexually.

31 and have been single since February 2021. While I am not actively trying to date, I have not given up. All I need is to figure out how to be more outgoing, have more to talk about, and just do it.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Focus on honesty, respectful and kind. Those things are actually easy to be. Anyone can be that shit. And if you truly are that stuff you will get somewhere with people

Those things are not that easy to be imo. There is always a golden mean and some people do in fact live on the fringe.

Yeah, my 39th birthday is just a couple of weeks away. I have a few excuses on why I struggle, but they're just that... excuses. Abuse and mental trauma, sure, I can see why that's turn someone away... If anyone ever got close enough to see the damage. Depression is truly wrecking me at the moment, but I know how to mask it(unless I'm online, it's so much easier to be open online). Social anxiety disorder makes it insanely difficult to meet people and interact with them, so this is the only one that really has a bearing on things... Yet online dating takes that out of the picture,cat least at first. And I still fail. It's not like we talk and decide we're not a good match, or go on a date and don't click. It's just that no one wants to be with me. Whatever the problem is, I must telegraph it so hard that everyone knows I'm not worth it without checking any deeper. There's just something inherently wrong with me, with who I am or something. They see that and move on, and I can't even blame them for it.

kirbyy posted...

35 Y/o never had much in the way of dating and or relationships.

I'm not really in the mindset that it will or won't happen. Trying to take things one day at a time cheesy as that may sound and work on achieving my goals (not related to relationships).

I was mostly like this but if you have any interest at all you should just put yourself out there without expectations. For men, it's near impossible for relationships to fall in your lap. A certain level of effort is expected. It's cool if you don't mind staying single though.

MrAndersonWb posted...

isnt friends and family enough? Come on dont say that

No. Like it really isn't. I know it's selfish. If they want me around, I want each and every one of them to look me in the eyes and say "I know you're now never going to be truly happy, but I want you to stick around so I can watch you suffer every single day so that it makes me feel better." I would never tell someone I want them to be tormented forever just because of my selfish desire to keep them around. idk.

Also @bsp77 it's not so much matches. I get a few. With people totally incompatible with me, not the same sexual orientation as me (I've been chewed out by some random fuck because I told them I will never be interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with a Trans woman. Even though I work in the sex industry and am super pro lgbtq, I'm somehow a bigot), or just get matched with bots or cam girls looking to exploit people. I have many female friends, I've had a few 'review' and am told they're puzzled. I am extremely social and can talk to anyone. I'm quite literally that one really happy really high energy super positive always-see-the-best personality. I have a good handle on my masks.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

Those things are not that easy to be imo. There is always a golden mean and some people do in fact live on the fringe.

It is hard to be honest, respectful and kind? C'mon.

I always mention psychedelics in threads like these, and people always seem to just glide right over it. But people talking about exit strategies at 35 or 40? If you haven't tried psychedelics, seriously consider it before doing anything so extreme.

bsp77 posted...

Confidence helps a ton and is not "alpha". However, I do agree that being confident when you aren't confident is impossible. So you aren't wrong regarding being honest, respectful and kind, but don't be nice to the point of agreeing with everything. Be your own person. As success happens, even if just a few dates, confidence will rise.

Well yeah, that comes under honesty. By kind I don't mean agreeing with everything, I mean like, I dunno. Smile, be friendly. No rudeness.

And yeah obviously being confident is great, but if you tell yourself "gotta be confident, gotta be confident" you'll just overthink to oblivion. I'm basing this on what I thought I had to be as a 28 yr old virgin and then realising I was better off just fucking forgetting the word ever existed

Words are powerful and that word in particular I felt is shoehorned into every bit of dating advice experienced people give to the inexperienced

TheOnionKnight posted...

I always mention psychedelics in threads like these, and people always seem to just glide right over it. But people talking about exit strategies at 35 or 40? If you haven't tried psychedelics, seriously consider it before doing anything so extreme.

I've tried them before. I'll tell you right here and now if I go on a trip, that will likely be the last time I'm breathing though.

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Well yeah, that comes under honesty. By kind I don't mean agreeing with everything, I mean like, I dunno. Smile, be friendly. No rudeness.

And yeah obviously being confident is great, but if you tell yourself "gotta be confident, gotta be confident" you'll just overthink to oblivion. I'm basing this on what I thought I had to be as a 28 yr old virgin and then realising I was better off just fucking forgetting the word ever existed

Words are powerful and that word in particular I felt is shoehorned into every bit of dating advice experienced people give to the inexperienced

Okay, agreed. I would say that acting confident can help. The whole fake it until you make it thing, as confidence does rise in time. I am sure you have a lot more than before.

But if someone truly is a mix of honest, respectful and kind, as in not letting one quality override the others, then you will appear confident. So I think we are saying something similar.

puppy posted...

Reading this topic makes me think that microplastics affecting mens testosterone is probably real lol

So many just giving up. Its kind of sad. I got married at age 30, so people should never give up.

more likely the effect is cultural- millenial men were raised by boomers who taught them that the way to find a partner was to have wealth and be nice, so they did those things

but modern culture has shifted. women work, and those things are now the bare minimum, and more is expected, but men who didn't form lasting bonds with other men had no one to teach them what actually attracted women in their youth

confidence and experience snowball, so those who fall behind early on in life never truly catch up, though they can catch up enough to find a partner if they focus on self-improvement

but now we also have this ultra-toxic secondary culture (which of course gets its foot in the door by telling men the correct things to do for self-improvement--get a physical and mental hobby) that tells them how the women they do find are actually just using them and will divorce them later (nevermind that they tend to have little to be used for) so they wind up turning into fascists that exude the 'stay away' vibes

KogaSteelfang posted...

Yeah, my 39th birthday is just a couple of weeks away. I have a few excuses on why I struggle, but they're just that... excuses. Abuse and mental trauma, sure, I can see why that's turn someone away... If anyone ever got close enough to see the damage. Depression is truly wrecking me at the moment, but I know how to mask it(unless I'm online, it's so much easier to be open online). Social anxiety disorder makes it insanely difficult to meet people and interact with them, so this is the only one that really has a bearing on things... Yet online dating takes that out of the picture,cat least at first. And I still fail. It's not like we talk and decide we're not a good match, or go on a date and don't click. It's just that no one wants to be with me. Whatever the problem is, I must telegraph it so hard that everyone knows I'm not worth it without checking any deeper. There's just something inherently wrong with me, with who I am or something. They see that and move on, and I can't even blame them for it.

I think you are overthinking and self sabotaging yourself. Online dating sucks and is very difficult for a majority of people. Unfortunately it's kind of the best way to get connected in this day and age.

Have you tried multiple apps? Some of the popular ones like Tinder are horrible and you could easily get the wrong idea using just one app.

I am no guru but maybe share some of your online bios? An outside perspective can help.

bsp77 posted...

It is hard to be honest, respectful and kind?

For some people yes it is

MedeaLysistrata posted...

For some people yes it is

Then those people should be single until they can figure it out.

Umbreon posted...

It's never too late.

Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a foreveraloner. Don't give up like they have.

(Granted there's little hope for the people who have 50+ banned accounts on ab ancient website...)

Listen to my brother.

FaytlessHearts posted...

I've tried them before. I'll tell you right here and now if I go on a trip, that will likely be the last time I'm breathing though.

Well at least you've tried some. They're not a silver bullet and don't work for everyone, but they certainly made a world of difference for me. Re-contextualized a lot of things and helped me understand myself better. Different psychedelics also have different applications. Ketamine in particular is extremely effective at curbing suicidal thoughts, and that one also has the benefit of being legal in the US, with many clinics devoted to it.

bsp77 posted...

Then those people should be single until they can figure it out.

Ok I'll tell them they can start amassing sex points from here on out then, haha

honestly the best advice i can give any young adult man--better for a man in his 20s than his 30s, but even in 30s--is join a 'beer league' sports team (volo, etc) for a 'give no fucks' sport like kickball, and go to all the social events afterward

solves the three problems most adult men seem to have: nothing to keep them in shape, nothing to talk about that others can relate to, and no social network to practice social skills with and/or provide social proof

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Dating apps should really be cheat mode for shy introverted guys

tbh i think dating apps are the opposite; they tend to destroy such mens' confidence because of how attention gets clustered

and they make men think they've done all they have to do when in reality they're not part of any of the things that actually improve your life

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


i think we tell guys this a lot but really it's half of the message

the whole message is you need to improve yourself such that you find your life enjoyable, which generally means doing some things that aren't instantly enjoyable, but will be eventually--and keep doing them until they're a habit

in doing so, you'll come into contact with women (because women are also improving themselves, particularly the women you'd actually like to be dating) and you'll have more than a snowball's chance in hell of them liking you

physical + mental + social hobby pursuit is at the center of that.

AP3Brain posted...

I think you are overthinking and self sabotaging yourself. Online dating sucks and is very difficult for a majority of people. Unfortunately it's kind of the best way to get connected in this day and age.

Have you tried multiple apps? Some of the popular ones like Tinder are horrible and you could easily get the wrong idea using just one app.

I am no guru but maybe share some of your online bios? An outside perspective can help.

I tried okcupid back before they changed it, Tinder, and Bumble. I can't show the profiles because I deleted/closed them years ago. But they were just regular bios, a few pics, mentioning my job, what I like to do, and expressing that I'd like to meet people for friends and see how things go from there.

I tend to get lots of matches, but once I message that's it. Nothing. I generally would look through their profile and either ask about a hobby, their pets, or job if it seemed interesting. Like one worked at a radio station and I thought that was neat, so I asked what kind of stuff she does at her job and if she likes it. Got nothing... Then I matched the same girl on tinder a few weeks later. This time I asked what she likes to do for fun. No response. That's how they all go.

Sackgurl posted...

physical + mental + social hobby pursuit is at the center of that

Agreed. I don't think it needs to one hobby that fulfills all of them, as your example above, but that's not a bad one. But just going out and doing stuff in general. I always advocate that people joining Meetup, as I have helped run them and have seen lots of guys from asocial loners to having friends and getting into relationships. It works.

Yeah and I doubt that'll change anytime soon. Idk, I just have a distrust of people and I don't really want to get to know anyone tbh

Also I'm just weird, like idk how to explain it but I do think there's ton of attractive girls in the world but I never once in my life looked at someone and thought "I want to get to know them better." like my first thought when someone new is showing interest in me is "why are you talking to me?" Hell that kind of attitude is why I only have one friend in the world and that person tried years trying to get to talk to me >___>

Yup, but im not worried at all.

I just dont try. Used to not looking for someone and im okay with it. Sure it gets lonely at times but i know some day, ill be that special someone to another. Til then, I look forward to that day.

yep!ive found that i enjoy being alone or just hanging out with a few females rather than being in a relationship!the past ones ive had have been.lets just say i could write a book!maybe one day ill try again,but for now im good

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Been there. Done that. Didn't help.

I always felt a bit like I don't belong in this world, I don't relate to people, I can barely keep a conversation going, romance never once crossed my mind in my entire life, friendships never manifested either and family relationships are complicated, like despite the love I can't shake the feeling they'd be better off without me and at times. Life is effort, effort to understand, effort to create things about yourself you feel are worth talking about to others or seeking out those with shared interests in them. I don't really have any dreams, ambitions or desires and just live day to day without any real plan. I look at myself like this and realize how selfish, wrong and un human like it is and thus came to the conclusion that I didn't belong here but I am here and will just exist until I ddie of whatever. Pretty pathetic but it's an existence despite it.

Heartomaton posted...

Been there. Done that. Didn't help.

Try what bsp and sackgurl are talking about at least.

MedeaLysistrata posted...

Try what bsp and sackgurl are talking about at least.

You try it too :)

This is CE lol

Oreos74 posted...

This is CE lol

A decent part of this place seems to relish in self-loathing. Makes me feel bad

bsp77 posted...

You try it too :)

I am going to be busy with other activities so I have to neglect my social life