Current Events > Teen Titans CYOA: Romance Resurrected Part 20

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A.

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Duck Cutlet Curry Rice. Much of this recipe is based off Canard l'Orange from France, just with the Japanese twist you learned from your trip.

You get a large pot of rice going, then bring out the other ingredients. You make nice cutlets from the duck meat, wet them with liquid scrambled eggs, then bread with a blend of flour and panko bread crumbs before you start pan frying them. Some of the duck fat is used in your curry sauce, along with cloves, bay leaves, fresh orange juice and even orange zest, as well as turmeric.

*ding dong* The doorbell rings and you go answer it to find Raven has arrived.

"Welcome home," you say as you escort her inside.

You go back to the living room and everyone is happy to see Raven. Raven hugs everyone in turn and you return to the kitchen to finish cooking the cutlets. You put great helpings of rice on plates, pour the curry sauce over the rice, then place the cutlets on top of it all.

"Alright, everyone," you say as you float plates to the table. "Dinner is served."

"Oooh~," your mother says. "It smells like Canard l'Orange."

"What kind of dumplings are these?" your grandmother asks.

"Ah, that's the fun of these," you say. "It's a bit of dumping roulette. There's different fillings in each of them. There's mustard leaves, kimchi, natto with cheese, shrimp with mayo, and mushroom with cheese."

"Natto?" your sisters say.

"They're like soybeans," you say. "But it's fine, the cheese will be the stronger flavor."

Everyone takes a couple dumplings and puts them on their plates. You all dig in, and you find you ended up with shrimp with mayo, and then... Oh, another shrimp with mayo.

A) Keep the second one
B) Offer a trade

B

B

B

"Does anyone want to trade? Seems I ended up with two shrimp with mayo dumplings."

"The chef ended up on the short end of his own dumpling roulette?" Grandfather Sixth teases.

"Well what did you end up with?" you ask him.

"Mushrooms with cheese in this one," he says as he holds it up on his fork. "And I think that's the kimchi in the other one."

"I ended up with shrimp 'n' mayo, too," Raven says. "Sorry."

"We already traded," your sisters say.

"I've got kimchi and mustard leaf," Roselind says.

"And I've got natto and mushrooms," Rebecca says.

"I'll trade with you, Rory," your grandmother says. "Here, have my mustard leaf dumpling."

"Thank you, Grandmother," you say.

You hand over your second shrimp 'n' mayo dumpling and she places her mustard leaf dumpling on your plate. Everyone enjoys their choices of dumpling, and especially the duck cutlets. The breading is crispy and the duck meat is juicy. The curry sauce soaks into the rice, and even into the bottom side of the cutlet, and adds a lovely zest to everything given the orange mixed in.

"Delicious meal, Rory, thank you so much," your mother says.

"Oh, think nothing of it," you say.

"Anything for dessert?" your father asks.

"Well, it'd technically be leftovers from the restaurant," you say, "but I hope you'll all like some..."

A) Pecan pie
B) Peanut Butter Snowballs
C) Double Fudge Mint Cookies

C

C

C

"Double Fudge Mint Cookies."

"Oooh~," your sisters and even Raven say. "Yes, please."

You bring the cookies out of the refrigerator, along with the milk. Your parents and grandparents take a couple each, but your sisters grab four each. Raven holds back a bit more than they do and only takes three.

You all sit together in the living room and watch the classic animated version of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You reeeally arrre a heeeel~!
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel,
Mr. Griiii-INCH!
You're a bad banana with a... greasy black peeeel~!

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's aaan eeempty hoooole~!
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul,
Mr. Griiii-INCH!
I wouldn't touch you with a... 39-and-a-half foot pooole~!

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch
You have termiiites iiin your smiiiile~!
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile,
Mr. Griiii-INCH!
Given a choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodiiiile~!

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk!
Your heart is full of unwashed socks,
Your soul is full of gunk,
Mr. Griiii-INCH!
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,
"Stink, stank, stunk!"

"Favorite part," you say.

You watch as The Grinch tricks little Cindy Lu Who into believing he's the real Santa Claus and that he is here to fix their Christmas lights. From there, he finishes stealing all the Christmas decorations and food and gifts and gets them on his sleigh. His dog, Max, poorly disguised as a reindeer, pulls the heavy sleigh out of the village and up Mount Crumpit.

But as The Grinch's sleigh goes up higher and higher, The Grinch can see the village down below. The villagers still sing and hold hands. The Grinch can't understand why they can still celebrate when they have lost all their possessions. That is when The Grinch realizes Christmas isn't the things you have, but who is with you and the spirit of togetherness. The Grinch's heart "grows three sizes," but then the sleigh is about to tip off the cliff!

The Grinch pulls the sleigh back with the strength of "ten Grinches, plus two," aka twelve. He then has the sleigh go back down the mountain and he blows a triumphant horn. The Whos welcome him, and with the deocrations, gifts and food returned to them, the Whos celebrate Christmas with The Grinch as their guest of honor.

"Such a good story," your mother says.

"So much better than the Jim Carrey one," Roselind says.

"And even that new one from Illumination," Rebecca says.

"The studio that did the Minions movies?" your mother asks.

"Mm-hmm," your sisters both hum while munching cookies.

With the movie over, your parents and grandparents head out to go back to their hotel.

"Any plans for tomorrow?" your father asks.

A) Have a meal at the restaurant
B) Let them tour around the city

B.

B

B

B

"Not particularly," you say. "But I thought you all could take a tour around the city, find some things you're interested in."

"Oh, that wouldn't be so bad, actually," your grandmother says. "I wouldn't mind shopping at, um, what is it? Pier 39?"

"Yes, that sounds nice," your mother says. "And we can meet up with Rory and Raven for lunch or dinner."

"Yes, we'll let you know how the day is going," you say. "See you then."

Your parents and grandparents exit and you wait until their SUV has pulled away from the neighborhood.

"What about you and me?" Raven asks you as you return to the living room. "What're our plans for tomorrow?"

"Hmm, well, if they're planning on visiting Pier 39," you say, "I suppose we could..."

A) Visit the Shadowy Scorpion
B) Spend some time with the Titans
C) Spend some time at the house

A

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A

A

"Visit the Shadowy Scorpion. It has been a little bit since we were last there, and I wouldn't mind seeing what the place is like around the holidays."

"Ooh, yeah," she says. "I bet they put up the blue Christmas lights this time."

"What? As in, only blue?"

"Yeah. Last year was all red, so they aren't going to go back to back."

"Well alright," you say. "We'll wait and see what my parents are up to, then head over to the cafe around lunch time."

"Okay," she says. "I'm going to head back to Titans Tower so see you tomorrow."

You walk her to the door and she gives you a kiss good night before flying away.

"Now," you say as you go back to your sisters. "You two need to behave yourselves. I will tattle to mum 'n' dad, with absolutely no shame."

Your sisters scoff but continue to munch their cookies and drink their milk.

"I'm sure they'll let you decide what you want to do tomorrow," you continue as you sit in the armchair, "but you'll still go to bed at a reasonable time just in case."

"But we're on holiday," Roselind says.

"During the holidays," Rebecca adds. "We should at least be able to stay up until midnight."

"No," you say, "then that devalues staying up to midnight on New Year's Eve. 11 is later than your usual bedtime, right?"

"Uh, we're teenagers now, Rory," Rebecca says.

"Our bedtime's been 11 for months now," Roselind says.

A) Have them still go to bed at 11
B) Let them stay up until 11:30

A

B

bump, will make sure to get this after dinner

B

"Alright then," you say. "We'll compromise. You can stay up until 11:30."

"That's not that much later," Roselind says.

"Exactly," you say. "You should be able to handle another half an hour, and it won't ruin the fun of New Year's and staying up until midnight."

"I guess that's okay," Rebecca says. "Are there any more cookies?"

You bring the cookies back out of the fridge and your sisters get a couple more each. Even you have another cookie, and everyone gets a refill of milk. You then all return to your seats and watch more Christmas movies.

"I really am a mean and despicable creature at heart, you know," Winter the Warlock says. "It's so difficult to... really change."

"Difficult?" Kris Kringle says before a laugh. "Why, why look here. Changing from bad to good's as easy as... taking your first step."

*Ba bwa bwa bwa bap!* trumpets play.

"Put one foot in front of the other..." Kris sings, "and soon, you'll be walking 'cross the flo-oo-or! Put one foot in front of the other... And soon, you'll be walking out the doooor~...!

"You never, will get, where you're goin'... If ya never, get up on your fee-eet. Come on! There's a good tail wind blowin~'! A fast, walkin' man, is hard to beat."

Put one foot in front of the other...
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the flo-oo-or!
Put one foot in front of the other...
And soon you'll be walking out the doooor~!

"If you want, to change your direction," Kris continues. "If your time of life, is at hand. Well, don't be the rule; Be the exception! A good way to start, is to stand."

Put one foot in front of the other...
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the flo-oo-or!
Put one foot in front of the other...
And soon you'll be walking out the doooor~!

"If I want, to change the reflection," Winter starts singing, "I see in the mirror each morn..."

"Oh, you do," Kris adds.

"You mean, that it's just my election..." Winter says.

"Just that!" Kris adds.

"... to vote for a chance to be reborn? Woo-hoo!" Winter says as he stands up tall.

"Put one foot," your sisters sing along with the slower chorus, "in front of, the other and, soon you are, walkin' cross the floo-oo-or! You put one foot, in front of, the other and, soon you are, walkin' out the doooor~!"

Put one foot in front of the other...
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the flo-oo-or!
Put one foot in front of the other...
And soooon, you are, walking out the doooooor~!

*Ba bwa bwa bwa bap!* ends the song and scene.

"That's such a fun song," Rebecca says.

"Mm-hmm," Roselind says with a nod while chewing.

The movie continues with Winter telling Kris that Ms. Jessica from Sombertown is looking for him. He knows this because he can create mystical snowglobes out of snow that act like crystal balls.

Kris goes to Jessica and Jessica tells him that Burgermeister Meisterburger has destroyed all the toys Kris gave the children. Kris has The Kringles, AKA the first toymaker elves, move onto Winter's mountain and set up a new workshop to make even more toys. And to pull off the delivery, Kris brings the toys to the town at night.

Burgermeister Meisterburger "walks" through the town, though more like wheels through because he's in a wheelchair. He does a double take when he sees the kids have toys again, so now he orders all doors be locked at night. To get around this, Kris goes down the chimney. Clearly, the many traditional parts of the Santa Claus lore are being established.

But as the children continue to play with their toys in full view of Burgermeister Meisterburger, Burgermeister Meisterburger continues to raise the level of his tyranny. He has his soldiers search the homes for the toys, so the counter there is to establish putting toys in stockings that hang by the fire. The soldiers aren't going to check the children's drying laundry so the toys go undiscovered.

Burgermeister Meisterburger has had it now! He waits for the next night's delivery, and his soldiers wait to capture Kris as he enters through a chimney! His sidekick, Grimsley, goes to arrest Winter and the Kringles, and with Topper the penguin captured, Kris gives in. Jessica begs Burgermeister Meisterburger to let them all go, but he refuses.

That night, Jessica visits Winter in prison. She wants him to use his magic to free everyone, but he reveals that ever since going good, his powers have been fading. The only thing left he has is a handful of magic corn that can make reindeer fly. And so Jessica decides to use them! The narrator has the children listening to this story list off the names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. There's even a joke about Rudolph being introduced much, much later in history.

Somehow, Kris, Topper, the Kringles and Winter slip out of the prison and fly away on the reindeer. Burgermeister Meisterburger is furious and vows to catch them all again some day. But time passes, and though there are wanted posters all around, Kris has started growing the signature Santa beard to change his appearance.

Tanta Kringle suggests another change: Kris should change back to his legal name, the name they found on a tag that came with baby Kris's basket, "Claus." Kris proposes to Jessica so that they can be Mr. & Mrs. Claus, and she accepts. They have a lovely Christmas time wedding in the forest, and then they and the Kringles all move even further north into the North Pole. The workshop of myth is built, and the production of toys has begun again.

So much time has passed now that Burgermeister Meisterburger has passed away. The people of Sombertown realize his tyrannical laws were just that, and do away with them. And as Kris Claus returns with toys, the legend of "Santa (or Saint) Claus" spreads around the world. But with that comes the increase in demand, and Santa can't possibly deliver on demand. So he decides to deliver all the toys all at once on "the holiest of nights," December 24th, Christmas Eve.

The story of Santa Claus ends but the movie continues with "S.D. Kluger," the narrator, reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas. Then from there, S.D. Kluger finishes repairing his mail truck and drives on to deliver the children's letters to Santa. Joined by Topper, Winter and the Kringles, S.D. sings the title song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. And the last shot of the film is seeing elderly Santa Claus as everyone knows him to be.

"Yay~...!" your sisters both say with light applause.

For the next Christmas movie, and perhaps the last one of the night, you go with...

A) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
B) The Year Without a Santa Claus
C) A Christmas Carol

C

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C

C

"A Christmas Carol."

"What?" your sisters both say.

"That's so boring," Rebecca says.

"No, it's not," you say.

"Yes, it is," Roselind says.

"Not if we watch one of the special remakes," you say.

You browse through what's available, and you're happy to see Scrooged, starring Bill Murray, is about to begin. But is that appropriate for your sisters? You could also jump into the Muppets edition, as it only started a few minutes ago.

A) Go with Scrooged
B) Go with Muppets

C the Disney cartoon version

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A

A

You go with Scrooged.

"Isn't that a little inappropriate?" Roselind asks.

"It's PG-13," you say. "And you're teenagers, right?"

"True," Rebecca says. "I think we can handle a PG-13 movie."

The movie begins with a boardroom meeting for fictional television broadcasting company, IBC. They're planning big special programs for the holiday season, such as "The Night the Reindeer Died," where Santa Claus and the North Pole are saved from terrorists by Lee Majors, The Six Million Dollar Man, and then Bob Goulet in a tuxedo, in a boat, in a swamp, singing Christmas carols.

President Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is pushing for an extravagant live production of A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve. Not only that, he isn't really going about it the right way. The others want a commercial that fits the standard tone of Christmas, but Frank wants to scare viewers into watching. His version of the commercial is much darker and edgier, but only Eliot Loudermilk (Bobcat Goldthwait) speaks up against it. It has nothing to do with the story of A Christmas Carol, and it'll frighten and offend people.

Frank hears out Loudermilk's criticisms and pretends to accept them positively. Loudermilk and the other executives leave, and Frank asks his assistant, Grace Cooley (Alfre Woodard), about Loudermilk. Frank FIRES Loudermilk and even has security escort Loudermilk out of the building! Frank then enjoys watching him on the sidewalk from high above in the boardroom. Grace is upset because it's almost Christmas time, but Frank doesn't care.

Grace then helps Frank decide what gifts to send those on his Christmas list. The only two gifts he gives are cheap IBC-monogrammed towels or a four-head hi-fi stereo VCR. This was 1988 so the VCR was a top of the line gift. The influential people and celebrities get VCRs, everyone else gets the towels, including Grace and even Frank's only brother, James Cross. Grace protests again but Frank has her stop and he goes through the list himself.

But then Frank's boss, the IBC CEO Preston Rhinelander (Robert Mitchum), heads up and Frank hurries to be ready. Frank does his best to kiss up to Rhinelander, talking up everything they have planned, such as gymnastics Olympian, Mary-Lou Retton, playing Tiny Tim. But then Rhinelander wants a rather odd adjustment: they need to pander to cats. Cats watch TV just like people, so the cat owners will want to watch what their cats like. And from there comes pet food sales and other profits. So it'd decided to have mice in the special so cats will take notice.

Seeing the stress Frank is under with the production, Rhinelander brings in Brice Cummings (John Glover) to be director. Frank can't refuse that, even though he doesn't like it. But lunch is arranged for the next day, so the deal is done. And then Frank ends up meeting Brice on the elevator, and Brice does his best to suck up to Frank and Frank fakes his way through the interaction.

Frank has Grace look into Brice and word comes back, "He's an LA slimeball." Grace is ready to go home but Frank wants her to stay late. But she has to take her son to the doctor! Frank tries to fake caring but it doesn't work, so he more or less pleads with her. "If I'm working late, you've gotta work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late!" Grace declines, and she lets Frank know his brother is here to see him.

Frank meets with James and they talk. James asks, "You know what they say about treating people badly coming up." Frank replies, "Yeah, you can treat 'em badly going down, too." James thinks Frank dislikes Christmas. Frank sarcastically says he loves it. "It's cold and people stay home and watch TV. These idiots are gonna be at home watching TV for me. I'm a big fan of Christmas."

James reveals he's visiting to ask Frank if he'll come to Christmas dinner. Frank says no, James is upset, but Frank just shrugs it off. It'll all be James' friends anyway. And then Frank shares his true feelings: "It's a crock, James. It's for kids." He still loves his brother, and wishes him a Happy New Year. Then he scams a lady out of the taxi cab she called and returns to IBC.

Meanwhile, we're shown Loudermilk struggling with the aftermath of being fired. He mumbles about getting into TV for noble reasons, but he's also very drunk and depressed right now, and gets robbed by some hobos. We also see Grace taking her son, Calvin, checking in with the doctor. The doctor has no answers as to why Cavlin won't speak. But of course, the doctor still charges the same price, and Grace vents to Calvin that "doctor" must be Latin for "thief." She also vents about how Frank treats everyone.

Speaking of, Frank is alone in his big office, serving himself a drink. Someone starts knocking on his door. And then banging on the door! It scares Frank and he shouts at whoever it is to go away. The banging continues and Frank shouts for Grace but of course she's not there. Then the thing BUSTS THROUGH the door! Frank screams and it's essentially an undead John Forsythe playing the ghost of Lew Hayward, a former boss and mentor of Frank's.

Lew died from a heart attack seven years prior while golfing, explaining his colorful Polo shirt and khaki slacks. Lew says hi, and pours himself a drink. Frank gets a gun out from his desk and opens fire! But because Lew is already dead, Frank's just shooting up glass and alcohol. "I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but mind the Bacardi." And then as Lew drinks the rum, it pours out the holes made in his corpse. A gross part of this is a mouse pushes a golf ball out of the back of Lew's head...

Lew is here to warn Frank of his coming Ebenezer Scrooge experience. Frank is in denial, he thinks he's seeing things because he's drunk. Lew tries to get it through to Frank what's coming. "I had it all. I was a captain of industry. Feared by men. Adored by women."

"Adored?" Frank says back with a laugh. "Let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women."

Lew keeps Frank on track. Lew wasted his life with superficial success. He should've focused on charity, mercy, kindness! Frank needs to change his ways before it's too late for him. And then using his ghostly powers, he has Frank phase through the large glass window! Frank's dangling high above the street! And then Lew lets go!

Frank wakes up at his desk, as if it was a nightmare. He looks around for something, and it's an old phone number. He calls his ex-girlfriend, Claire Phillips (Karen Allen) and leaves her a message that he was just thinking of her. And then he takes a big gulp of his drink, only for there to be a golf ball, establishing the "nightmare" was real.

"Rory," Roselind asks. "Are you going to shower before going to bed? Or can we go first?"

A) Take your shower first
B) Let your sisters go first

B

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B

B

"You two can go first," you say.

They both stand up.

"Wait you're going to shower now?" you say. "While the movie's still going?"

"You're the one who wants to watch Scrooged," Rebecca says.

"And showering now will give our hair time to dry," Roselind says.

Your sisters leave the room and you shrug as the movie continues.

Grace returns home to her apartment and her family, which is her three other children and her mother. She keeps up the Christmas cheer but her mother is upset that the "Christmas bonus" is the towels. And then Grace asks what the commotion is about. The older son says they're trimming the tree, but they don't have a tree. Turns out, the brother and two sisters are all "decorating" little Calvin. They even plug in Christmas lights!

Grace doesn't like them teasing Calvin and tells them to take that all off but even her mother thinks Calvin looks cute. The family asks when they can get a real tree, and Grace says, "When they're free."

Next day at work, Frank is told of an actual case where an old woman DIED from watching his commercial. She was truly scared to death! But Frank says that's terrific! It's free publicity! He now wants the commercial played every half hour! But with a disclaimer to warn those with weak hearts.

Frank then has to address something the censorship agent is bringing up. The dancers are wearing very skimpy leotards with mesh around the chest. The censor says it is inappropriate because you can see nips.

"I WANT to see her nipples!" Frank says. "Charles Dickens would want to see her nipples!"

The stage hands defend you can't see the nipples that badly, and Frank points out these guys are REALLY looking. The censor agent is upset, but isn't paying attention and BAM, she gets hit with a light post prop. They call for the nurse, and Frank turns the agent's head to look at the dancers. Can't see nips there. But then Frank does mutter to cover those up just in case.

At this point, you do admit that while rated PG13, this might be too much for your sisters.

A woman calls out to "Lumpy!" Frank recognizes the voice and the nickname, and it's Claire! She's here because of his phone call and how he sounded scared. He gets defensive and denies that was how he felt.

Another stage hand asks to talk with "Lumpy." The mice are to have antlers on their heads to be more Christmas themed, but the glue isn't working. Frank suggests staples, which shocks the stage hand and appalls Claire. Frank lets the stage hand off the hook, and then smiles softly at "Same old Claire. Still trying to save the world." She teases back that he's "still trying to run it."

Frank then starts yelling, "Get outta here!" Claire thinks it's about her but he's spotted someone hiding behind her. It turns out to be Calvin, and Grace hurries over to explain that she just wanted to show him how a TV show is made.

Frank calms down and Claire asks why he's so angry. He teases back, "Why haven't you ever learned how to button a coat?" She was in a hurry. He apologizes for calling so late. Did he wake her husband and kids? No, she never got married after they broke up. Neither did he, obviously. Their conversation is derailed by a lot of loud hammering, which upsets Frank. He shouts at them to stop, they do, but then something goes wrong, and the already hurt censorship agent gets hurt some more.

Claire again brings up his scared phone call but he goes into denial again, saying it was something he ate. She says if it happens again, he can call her at a homeless shelter where she works. She's hardly ever home. He promises to call, joking that he's a "seafood nut." Claire leaves as work distracts Frank again. Frank is asked by a reporter for a reaction to the old lady's death and he brushes it off as "something she ate," but then he realizes he has to give a better line than that, so he says IBC is "appalled by this senseless tragedy."

After this, it's the lunch meeting between Frank, Rhinelander and Cummings. They talk the show's live coordination with other locations, this and that, but then Frank starts feeling weird. The time is approaching for the first ghost, as Lew warned him. And he starts seeing things! A human eyeball in his glass and a waiter on fire! Frank freaks out, splashes the man with a whole pitcher of water, but then realizes he was hallucinating and apologizes.

Frank exits the restaurant and calls a taxi. But it turns out THIS is the Ghost of Christmas Past! He's a grungy cab driving elf who smokes! And while he drives recklessly, as is the New York cab driver cliche, they travel back in time! The meter shows the year as opposed to a bill. They go back to Frank's childhood home, and Frank understands now: the ghost wants to show him his family, and it'll make him emotional. Frank claims it won't happen.

"That's what Attila the Hun said," the Ghost of Christmas Past says. "But when he saw his mom... Niagara Falls."

They walk up to the door, and the ghost goes through it. Frank tries to and BONK. The ghost laughs, having pranked Frank. It's also here the ghost explains no one will see or hear them, "it's not live."

Frank sees himself as a young child, sitting in front of the TV. Frank's father arrives home, and it would seem he was also more about work than family, not really understanding the point of Christmas, either. He gives Frank his present.

"A choo-choo?"

"No, it's ten pounds of veal."

"But Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo."

"Then go and get a job and buy a choo-choo!"

"Earl," the mother says, "he's only four years old."

"All day I listen to excuses why people can't work," Earl complains. "'My back hurts. My legs ache. I'm only four~!' The sooner he learns life doesn't come on a silver platter, the better."

Earl then grumbles that he's going back out, and the mother tells Frank not to watch too much TV.

"Okay, Mama," Frank says, not really paying attention.

"Merry Christmas, Frankie angel."

"Merry Christmas, Mama."

The ghost teases an emotional Frank, "Niagara Falls, Frankie angel."

You hear the shower finish and someone step out into the hallway.

"Okay, Rory," Roselind says.

"All yours," Rebecca adds.

"Wait, what? I only heard the shower go on and off once. Did... Did you two go at the same time?"

"Yes," they both say.

"I thought you two stopped doing that..."

"We got back into it after our trip to Japan," Roselind says.

You frown, but you suppose it saves time...

A) Shower now
B) Shower after the movie

A

B)

B.

B

"Well, alright," you say. "I'll still wait, in case you two overdid it with the hot water."

You sit back and watch the movie continue.

Frank goes into denial again, claiming he was touched by the gift, not the moment. That veal now would cost a lot more. Hmm, this explains why he didn't want veal in the restaurant...

The ghost points out Frank then spent the next 15 years just sitting in front of the TV! Frank says, "Check the records. I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the homerun that won the big game." No, that was the kind on The Courtship of Eddie's Father. Frank "recalls" being on a hillside covered with flowers and a beautiful girl with pigtails, but that was The Little House on the Prairie, the homecoming episode.

"Face it, garden slugs got more outta life than you."

"Name one!"

Frank demands to be taken to his office, and the ghost says, "Gladly." But instead of going there in the present, they go there during an office Christmas party from years ago, before Frank took over as President and stopped the tradition. During this wild party, younger Frank is finishing up his work. Lew, alive at this point, brings it up to Frank that there's a party going on, but Frank insists he finish up first.

Meanwhile, Tina the office flirt is passing out Xerox photocopies of her butt. She passes one to younger Frank, and then asks him out to get Chinese food after this. Frank claims you shouldn't eat that stuff, they put alley cats in the chop suey. It's just his nice way of turning her down since he doesn't like her as much as she likes him, but current Frank is upset by that and starts yelling at his younger self. Tina was crazy about him! The ghost says Tina's not the one.

And then BAM, young Frank gets hit with "Cupid's arrow, right between the eyes," in the form of a door. He was walking along the street and Claire didn't see him coming as she pushed the door open. She helps him up, asks where he got hit, and he says the door got him in the front and the sidewalk got him in the back. She says "It's gonna be quite a lump," alluding to where the nickname came from.

In romcom terms, this is the meet cute, and it's a good one. Not like the clich ones from today.

"Young lady," younger Frank calls to younger Claire. "Do you shop here often? Because if you do, I can always walk on that side of the street."

"Ba-rum-pa-pum," current Frank and the ghost both say as a sort of drum rim shot to signify he was joking.

Claire then asks if Frank would like to have some Chinese food, and he makes a face but apparently accepts.

Then the ghost helps Frank skip forward to a year or so later, where Frank and Claire have a Christmas together in their little apartment. Claire is in the bath while younger Frank is impatient about gifts. Current Frank keeps the ghost from peeping. Claire gets a robe on and joins younger Frank in the living room and she says they can only open one present on Christmas Eve, that was her family's tradition.

Frank agrees to that, and they each choose a gift for the other to open. Frank's gift to Claire is a set of knives, as he saw on a TV infomercial. He jokes that he's never liked a girl enough to buy her a set of knives. Claire's gift to "Lump" is a copy of the Kama Sutra. He goes on about how he's done this and that in it but she obviously doesn't believe him. He then jokes that the book speaks of a spot on a woman's body you can touch to make her bark like a dog, and she plays along with this one, barking like a small dog as he tickles her.

Another skip forward and it's a children's show about Frisbee the Dog. The ghost plays along, yelling at the mailman character that the special gift for the dog is a bone. Then the show goes to commercial, and it turns out young Frank was the one playing the dog. Current Frank definitely remembers this night as one not turning out well. Frank's boss, Lew, is back and he invites Frank out to dinner on a double date with Lew's lady on the side.

Claire finds Frank and says they have to get ready for dinner with their friends, David and Kate, but Frank says they can do that next week. He then tries to guilt her into it by saying Christmas is about being less selfish. So she needs to think about his needs and the needs of this show that Frank has fought so hard to make a success.

Their conversation is cut short by the show having to go back on the air, he doesn't even hear Claire suggest they should take time apart. Claire is still going to their friends' party so Frank tells her to tell them that he got hung up at work. He hurries off as Frisbee and she sadly says, "Lumpy... Merry Christmas."

The ghost gets on Frank's case for choosing his career over Claire. "Frank, you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, or what the hell is going on." Frank admits he's made some mistakes, and he has to live with that. But he insists he DOES know who he is and what he wants and what's going on. Only for the Ghost of Christmas Past to leave him and be inside a TV!

"What's going on?!" Frank shouts.

"How should I know? I'm only the ghost! So long, sucker!"

And then Frank is magically in the IBC studio during a rehearsal of the parallel scene in A Christmas Carol.

"I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off, one by one, until the master passion, greed, engrosses you. Farewell, Ebenezer. May you be happy with the path you have chosen."

Frank angrily shouts back, "Well I am happy with what I've chosen, you bitch! I couldn't be happier!"

The actor playing Scrooge in the scene asks if Frank's crazy, and Frank says he IS crazy! "Crazy like a fox! Crazy enough to see through your tricks! I'm back! I see now. No one could've been that simple, and good, and sweet, yet caring and wonderful. Not on this planet! No, baby!"

Frank rants on but decides to go visit Claire in the present at Operation: Reach Out.

We get another look at what poor Loudermilk is up to, and he just donated a lot of blood to get the money. Unfortunately, he is very weak and passes out in the trash, just as Frank is walking past. He keeps ranting on and on, "It's lonely at the top? It's not lonely at the top. Well, maybe 'round my brithday, and at sunset, and every couple of weekends." But this is the life he's chosen! "At least I work some place you can find when you're looking for it! Oh, here we go."

Frank storms in, still ranting and raving. "When I want a wife, I'm gonna BUY one! She's gonna be devoted to me, to my wants, and my needs. Not like you! Let's face it, you treated me like dirt!" One of the volunteers spots Frank and says, "Got another wild and woolly one." She puts a blanket on Frank, sits him down with some of the others staying at the shelter, and goes to get him hot coffee.

One of the group addresses Frank as "Dick," and introduces himself as Herman. There's also Billy and Eva. They offer "Mr. Richard Burton" something from a flask. He pretends to drink it, letting it dribble on his chin. Herman says "Dick knows how to live!" Frank snaps at him to stop calling him Dick. Herman apologizes to "Mr. Burton," and perhaps they don't know him well enough for nicknames.

Eva and Billy want "Mr. Burton" to say a line from Hamlet, or maybe the Sandpiper. Obviously they all mistake him for THE Richard Burton, Welsh actor of both Shakespearean and Hollywood fame. They keep asking, and Frank humors them by quoting what he can from Cleopatra. They're pleased, and he snaps at them to "beat it before I beat you!"

Claire sees Frank and goes over. He brings up about how she said if "it" happened again, he could come by so here he is. He does his best to explain how he got to thinking about the past, and she understands he means he has regrets. She tells him that the thing about regrets is that it's never too late to change. Frank then says they can go get Chinese food again like before.

But now Claire's work is a distraction as the helper from earlier says there's no fuses so the place doesn't have power. Plus, A&P didn't send the turkeys for dinner! Frank keeps wanting to hog Claire by encouraging the volunteers that they can handle this themselves. After the volunteers go off to take care of things, Frank tells Claire to fire them. But they're volunteers! They're here out of kindness! Frank says that's "because no one will pay them!" Frank assumes they're like this every day of the year.

Claire wants Frank to be patient but he's not. "Here's some advice, Claire: scrape 'em off. If you want to save somebody, save yourself." Claire sarcastically says that's some attitude to have on Christmas Eve. He fittingly says, "Bah humbug." As Frank storms out, Herman asks to borrow money but Frank lies that he "blew it all on Liz."

Frank returns to IBC as it's time for final dress rehearsal. There's a flub in the line about Scrooge saying "sea urchins" instead of "street urchins" but Cummings resolves it with a laugh and smile, and then he dismisses everyone for a hone hour dinner break, "that includes walking time." Cummings then sees Frank and greets him, again a bit brown-noser like. Frank is a bit burnt out and Cummings just heads out with the others, leaving Frank alone.

Cue the Ghost of Christmas Present, who is more like a bootleg fairy godmother or tooth fairy. She flies over to Frank, to kick him below the belt! Why!? "Sometimes you have to SLAP them in the face to get their attention." She emphasizes that with a slap. Frank says slapping is fine but why'd she kick him in the- "Hush, Frank. It's time to begin a journey!" She tells him to close his eyes and think happy thoughts. He doesn't want to play along but then she gets a growl in her sweet voice and he does as told.

"Think of snowflakes, and moonbeams, and whiskers on kittens," she says, starting to sound like Sound of Music. "Of rainbows, forget-me-nots. Of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh look, there's Mr. Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going. Perhaps to... HARLEM!"

And then she wallops Frank with a haymaker punch! He's upset, but she says that sometimes, the truth is painful. But it did make his cheeks rosy and eyes bright. He warns her that if she touches him again, he'll rip her wings off! She just teases that she likes it rough.

Anyway, they've arrived at the Cooley home as Grace and Calvin return again. The brother and sisters can't figure out a marble puzzle, but Calvin does. Frank can see Calvin's smart, but what's wrong with his voice? The ghost explains that Calvin hasn't spoken since the death of his father, Grace's husband. Frank didn't even realize that happened. Didn't he notice Grace wearing black all the time? He thought it was a fashion thing. But then can anything be done? It's up to Calvin. Calvin watches a traditional version of A Christmas Carol, and it's the scene with Tiny Tim saying, "God bless us, everyone."

From here, they see the Cooleys goofing around in the kitchen. The sisters are tickling the brother and Grace tells them to stop. "This boy's MINE!" Grace then gives her son "belly blowing" PBBBT! The ghost does it to Frank! Frank's ticklish there, and it basically becomes tickle torture to make Frank promise to give Grace a raise. Speaking of which, Grace is hurrying back to work and bringing Calvin again.

Now Frank and the ghost go to his brother's place. It seems the dog can sense them, but James's wife, Wendy, just think it's acting strange. James, Wendy and their friends are playing trivia games. The ghost repeats the question but Frank snaps at her, "I'm invisible, but I'm NOT DEAF!" But because these are TV trivia questions, Frank knows the answers easily while James struggles.

But speaking of Frank, everyone asks James what Frank gave him for Christmas last year. Shower curtains with ducks on them. What did James get Frank this year? The ghost covers Frank's ears and sings "LALALALA" so he can't hear as James and Wendy reveal it was a handmade picture frame with a picture of the brothers in it. The ghost then teases Frank, "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!" "SHUT UP!"

And then it turns out, this year Frank got James a VCR, NOT the towels! Frank says that's a mistake. His "EX" secretary got James that. His friends then complain that James always invites Frank to these things but Frank never shows up. James says he'll never give up, because Frank's his brother and he loves him. They all toast to Frank. Frank is touched emotionally here, but again pretends like it's no big deal about the VCR. It'll be a write-off anyway.

But then the next game question comes up and Frank wants to stay to see if James gets it. The ghost says no, they have to get going. Everyone knows it anyway. Frank and the ghost argue, it gets a bit rough again, and she says "let's not fight anymore," before she HEADBUTTS Frank. And while he's dizzy, she says, "Oh, look, Frank. It's a TOASTER!" And she UPPERCUTS him with a chromed out four-slot toaster!

Frank falls out of that room into some other room, a frozen over boiler room under the sidewalk. Frank laughs off the sucker punch, and he jokes, "Where are we? Trump Tower?" But then as he tries to call to others, it seems he's still under the ghost's power as no one hears him. Though at the same time, maybe that's just New York.

But as in A Christmas Carol, this is where seeing "the present" takes a sad turn. Herman, from the shelter, is down in this frozen boiler room, and he himself is frozen in place, dead but with a smile on his face. Frank gets upset with Herman. "You moron! You jerk! Why didn't you stare at Claire's?! She would've taken care of you! You would've eaten! And been warm! You might be alive! You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that!" But then wait, if Herman got in here, can Frank get out?

"A-HA~! It has to be the door," Frank says as he starts ramming it. "Cuz it's the only place... that doesn't smell like... URINE!"

Frank busts out of that room into the studio because of the ghost's powers again, and he causes a barrel to go rolling, and it hurts the censor agent. Everyone gets upset with him until they realize it IS him, and he does his best to compose himself. He wishes everyone luck, Cummings smooths this all over, and Cummings has Grace get Frank to the elevator to go upstairs "where things are safer." Frank agrees, goes to the elevator, and then freaks out seeing the Ghost of Christmas Future! Except, this is the show's Ghost, not THE ghost. Frank calms down, gets in the elevator and goes up to his office.