Current Events > In dating terms, when should a transgender person reveal that

(+) Yeah! (+)

Dying is a bad way to live too. Shit happens though

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The Trent posted...

but then you'd reframe and say that they shouldn't ever ask because that's bigoted and they should not care

and you'd have your answer and would be able to walk away from that person. Ask the questions you need answered. How is that not reasonable for the responsibility to lie there?

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Anteaterking posted...

If you "can't tell", then why does it matter?

Terrible argument.

I do want kids, and I want to be with someone who wants kids. A born male can't have kids with me.

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hockeybub89 posted...

and you'd have your answer and would be able to walk away from that person. Ask the questions you need answered. How is that not reasonable for the responsibility to lie there?

it's reasonable for both parties to bear some responsibility in this conveyance of information
if you need to know, ask
if you don't tell, shady

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This idea that having or having had a dick is some kind of non-issue borders on lunacy.

Anteaterking posted...

That's fine, but at some point that impetus falls on the guy to get that information if it's that important to them.

Lmao, I don't think it'd go over so well if guys just started asking every girl they meet "hm, are you transgender?"

And no one should have to do that anyway.

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nemu posted...

This idea that having or having had a dick is some kind of non-issue borders on lunacy.

it's a select few who are already lunatics about lots of stuff, so eh

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NatsuSama posted...

Terrible argument.

I do want kids, and I want to be with someone who wants kids. A born male can't have kids with me.

Cool, then answer my earlier post

Anteaterking posted...

When should a person reveal they're infertile?

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First date

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If wanting kids is such a huge requirement, why single out transpersons instead of asking every woman if they are infertile or not?

nemu posted...

This idea that having or having had a dick is some kind of non-issue borders on lunacy.

I don't think people are doing that as much as you think here. People have preferences and I think it's personally reasonable to have preferences if they're based on physical or emotional connection.

But if you chat with someone in the bar for 30 minutes and then they tell you they are pre-op transitioning, don't get pissed they didn't tell you upfront (which is what the first few posts in this very topic seem to think should be the norm).

In terms of the other party asking, I actually think it's okay if done in a tactful manner. As a gay man (which is definitely different than a trans person), I have had girls ask me if I'm gay early on to ensure there is no lack of reciprocation for flirting. I also don't think it's my job to go around telling people I'm gay just to make sure I don't hurt their feelings if they find me attractive.

viewmaster_pi posted...

Lmao, I don't think it'd go over so well if guys just started asking every girl they meet "hm, are you transgender?"

And no one should have to do that anyway.

No transgender person should have to tell every person they meet that they're transgender either.

Sorry, edit my post got cut off:
In both scenarios, there's a point at which that information becomes relevant. It's not immediately.

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I find it funny people actually think a man not wanting a relationship with a person born with a dick is some non issue. Even more ridiculous when they try to compare it to woman who were born woman with fertility issues.

Anteaterking posted...

No transgender person should have to tell every person they meet that they're transgender either.

Of course not, just the people they're pursuing romantically.

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asdf8562 posted...

I find it funny people actually think a man not wanting a relationship with a person born with a dick is some non issue. Even more ridiculous when they try to compare it to woman who were born woman with fertility issues.

If they use "because I want kids" argument, then they should use that argument when they date CIS women as well and ask if they are fertile or not.

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viewmaster_pi posted...

Of course not, just the people they're pursuing romantically.

So why is it unreasonable for me to ask you to ask just the people you're pursuing romantically if they're transgender if that's a deal breaker for you?

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Anteaterking posted...

So why is it unreasonable for me to ask you to ask just the people you're pursuing romantically if they're transgender if that's a deal breaker for you?

One of my friends on Xbox a while back was telling us how he did exactly that with some girl on okcupid

She did not respond well to it, lol

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The Trent posted...

it's reasonable for both parties to bear some responsibility in this conveyance of information
if you need to know, ask
if you don't tell, shady

Someone has no idea what your turnoffs are without reading your mind. Most people don't just spill their guts to everyone who decides to speak to them. Should we also tell everything to potential non-romantic friends? Don't want to start friendships that could be ended later on

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Foppe posted...

If they use "because I want kids" argument, then they should use that argument when they date CIS women as well and ask if they are fertile or not.

Bottom line is being born with a dick isnt a non issue. Being born a woman and finding out you can't have children is not comparable to a born male who from the jump had 0 possibility of birthing children. They aren't comparable. One was still born a male while the other was still born an actual female.

That's not even getting into the fact that my post didn't say, being able to have children was the only criteria.

hockeybub89 posted...

Someone has no idea what your turnoffs are without reading your mind. Most people don't just spill their guts to everyone who decides to speak to them. Should we also tell everything to potential non-romantic friends? Don't want to start friendships that could be ended later on

don't know what you're talking about anymore, so i'm going to assume this is the aforementioned reframing effort that you would undertake

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asdf8562 posted...

Bottom line is being born with a dick isnt a non issue. Being born a woman and finding out you can't have children is not comparable to a born male who from the jump had 0 possibility of birthing children. They aren't comparable. One was still born a male while the other was still born an actual female.

And none can have kids, so why date any of them if you want kids?

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Foppe posted...

And none can have kids, so why date any of them if you want kids?

I repeat my last post. You question doesnt change anything I said last post and remains irrelevant.
Bottom line is being born with a dick isnt a non issue. Being born a woman and finding out you can't have children is not comparable to a born male who from the jump had 0 possibility of birthing children. They aren't comparable. One was still born a male while the other was still born an actual female.

That's not even getting into the fact that my post didn't say, being able to have children was the only criteria. Like there's no if and or buts to the fact that a person was BORN a MALE.

viewmaster_pi posted...

One of my friends on Xbox a while back was telling us how he did exactly that with some girl on okcupid

She did not respond well to it, lol

Any why do you think she didn't respond well?

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Anteaterking posted...

Any why do you think she didn't respond well?

lol why do you think

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The Trent posted...

lol why do you think

Hes debating in bad faith. A common approach to people who pretend being born a specific gender and hiding it is no big deal.

It doesnt take a rocket scientist to see why a born female would get upset being asked if she used to be a man.

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user78 posted...

If wanting kids is such a huge requirement, why single out transpersons instead of asking every woman if they are infertile or not?

This was a topic on a radio show last week. Quite a few people felt that it was something that should be brought up early on. This was answered by men, fertile women and infertile women. I think the fact that someone is trans is something that should definitely be addressed before anything physical happens. That shows respect for your partner, and while no one should have to worry about it, letting them know can mean avoiding any violence from a late revelation.

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Anteaterking posted...

Any why do you think she didn't respond well?

I don't think I need to spell it out. She was obviously offended at the notion.

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The Trent posted...

don't know what you're talking about anymore, so i'm going to assume this is the aforementioned reframing effort that you would undertake

I'm not reframing shit. If you need to know things, then it is your responsibility to ask, not someone else's to read your mind. There is more to a relationship than simply being able to make a child, so shouldn't everything be asked up front? Simply being fertile does not make them compatible.

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hockeybub89 posted...

I'm not reframing shit. If you need to know things, then it is your responsibility to ask, not someone else's to read your mind. There is more to a relationship than simply being able to make a child, so shouldn't everything be asked up front? Simply being fertile does not make them compatible.

but being infertile makes them flat out incompatible and you can tell they are instantly infertile if they are transgender
i'm not even arguing this from a place that i care about, this is just sensible
i'm married to a woman who was born a woman and already have two kids

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hockeybub89 posted...

"If you even catch a whiff of someone being attracted to you, then you better announce what you are before anything else"

I know you're trying to be edgy but they should. Imagine a scenario where two people are drinking. A guy and a trans woman. He is straight and is not into trans at all but thinks she's a bio woman. Later into the night after more drinks he invites her over and as things are getting heavy he finds out she's trans.

Things can get violent or worse real fast. It's a stupid situation. The reality is its fine if you want to date a trans person, but many do not and either way is not wrong. All parties should be honest.

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viewmaster_pi posted...

I don't think I need to spell it out. She was obviously offended at the notion.

I mean, you seem to think that she was offended because she was "clearly" biologically female, but yet you're worried that you're one encounter away from getting "fooled" into dating a transgender person.

Why doesn't this random person on Twitter understand how very important it is for your friend to verify that he's not accidentally going to be sleeping with a transgender person? It's completely reasonable, right?

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NatsuSama posted...

Hes debating in bad faith. A common approach to people who pretend being born a specific gender and hiding it is no big deal.

It doesnt take a rocket scientist to see why a born female would get upset being asked if she used to be a man.

Oh so now we care about hurt feelings?

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hockeybub89 posted...

Oh so now we care about hurt feelings?

I rest my case.

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The only bad faith arguing itt is people pretending like they care about fertility when they're picking up randos from the bar.

You guys should just come to terms with the fact that you're insecure with your sexuality. That's the only thing you're actually worried about here.

Like what are the actual consequences that you're fearing? If I hooked up with someone and we went back to their place and they pulled down their pants to show they had a penis, I would just acknowledge that we weren't sexually compatible and pass. I wouldn't lie awake at night worried that I had kissed someone who ended up being born biologically male, because what I was physically attracted to were whatever feminine aspects of them made me think they were a cis woman instead.

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PIITB415 posted...

I know you're trying to be edgy but they should. Imagine a scenario where two people are drinking. A guy and a trans woman. He is straight and is not into trans at all but thinks she's a bio woman. Later into the night after more drinks he invites her over and as things are getting heavy he finds out she's trans.

Things can get violent or worse real fast. It's a stupid situation. The reality is its fine if you want to date a trans person, but many do not and either way is not wrong. All parties should be honest.

Well then people should ask questions that they need answered. It is common sense to ask urgent questions rather than expect urgent unprovoked answers.

And is the LGBT community accepted and no one cares or should trans people always worry that they can be killed? We have to pick one.

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After you get divorced.

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Irrational hostility flows more than one direction, lol

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after sex, you say "you know that dick you were sucking? yea, that was mine"

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so tired of the rampant transphobia here

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Honestly in dating apps before all the matching and people would approach me.

It would usually come up pretty early. I dont feel like most trans people hid it. So I'm guessing that's a pretty rare thing.

I was never interested and would politely say that I'm not interested in dating a trans person and they would be respectful of it. I feel like this is more of an issue to transphobic people the same way homophobic dudes think that every gay man is going to forcefully suck their dick

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Anteaterking posted...

The only bad faith arguing itt is people pretending like they care about fertility when they're picking up randos from the bar.

You guys should just come to terms with the fact that you're insecure with your sexuality. That's the only thing you're actually worried about here.

Like what are the actual consequences that you're fearing? If I hooked up with someone and we went back to their place and they pulled down their pants to show they had a penis, I would just acknowledge that we weren't sexually compatible and pass. I wouldn't lie awake at night worried that I had kissed someone who ended up being born biologically male, because what I was physically attracted to were whatever feminine aspects of them made me think they were a cis woman instead.

More bad faith arguments.

No one claimed they'd lose sleep over it. And no one claimed it was ONLY about fertility, in fact several have made it clear it's about the fact that they were born a male. They were born with a Y chromosome.

Like it or not, the fact remains that a woman, that was born a woman....is not comparable to a woman that was born a male. A fundamental fact that actually matters. That has nothing to do with being insecure. The, person, was, born, male.

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Having preferences and a selective process in your sexual relationships
= being insecure with your sexuality

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Topics like these are always a waste of time since it always turns to radical arguments that's twist into a pretzel.

For example some claiming transphobia, and some making wild comparisons that ignores science of which someone was born. Claiming "insecurity" is a new radical hot take.

The Trent posted...

Having preferences and a selective process in your sexual relationships
= being insecure with your sexuality

If your selective process is "hope that people who don't meet your preferences select themselves out", you don't have a selective process.

At this point in my life, I'm not willing to date someone who has kids. That doesn't mean that anyone has an obligation to tell me they have kids. The degree to which it's a deal breaker for me makes it my responsibility to get that information.

And if I'm going to sleep with someone and then I find out they have kids, it just means that I don't sleep with them and I don't continue the relationship. If I've stated that I wouldn't date someone with kids and they lied to me, that's a different story.

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_Matchabuu_ posted...

so tired of the rampant transphobia here

Mods clearly dont give a shit either which is even more disgusting

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asdf8562 posted...

Claiming "insecurity" is a new radical hot take

You're not insecure for not wanting to date/have sex with a transgender person.

You're insecure for being worried you'll "accidentally" date/have sex with one to such a degree that anyone with a >1% of dating you should be outing themselves to you without you saying anything.

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asdf8562 posted...

For example some claiming transphobia, and some making wild comparisons that ignores science of which someone was born.

you don't have any science, you have your religion. science supports transgender people and this may be the reason we have sex change operations available today. it's too bizarre to think the young earth creationists in the room have science on their side.

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I think it's important to bring it up when they feel comfortable in doing so. I am aware that there are instances where they hide it throughout the relationship, but then again, I haven't been in a situation where I met someone who's trans, so my opinion doesn't really matter.

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I prefer to find out when the panties come off

I like a good surprise
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Wewillrocku posted...

you don't have any science, you have your religion. science supports transgender people and this may be the reason we have sex change operations available today. it's too bizarre to think the young earth creationists in the room have science on their side.

I love how you just assumed I'm religious.
Hint, hint, I'm not.

And no science still says you were born a male. Science still says you have an XY chromosome. Going through a procedure doesnt change what you were scientifically BORN male.