Current Events > Anybody got any tips for becoming ok with feeling unwanted (for men)

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'd hate to ask on my relatively small social networks, and most of the articles that I find online specifically dealing with women, or people in relationships, so they don't really apply to me. What I am really looking for help for is the following.

1. Learning (or accepting) being alone, both social self-isolation as well as being single
2. Trying not to let your own ugliness turn into jealousy of other people
3. Trying to not appear this way to the public in order to facilitate social acceptability
4. And trying to replace the close human intimacy in your life with something else in order to slow the degenerative properties of isolation.

I promise I won't find anything you post to be offensive, and I thank you in advance for your responses.

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This might be a shot in the dark, but here goes:

1. You sound like you actually enjoy being alone, you enjoy your own thoughts, this is great
2. A little social interaction never hurt anybody, you're just into your own stuff (not very common)
3. Find other "weirdos" like yourself
4. Lay off the self-deprecating BS

Now post a personal story you find interesting.

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Only way I could see myself being okay with permanent isolation is having a goal that occupied all my time.

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bndluesr posted...

This might be a shot in the dark, but here goes:

1. You sound like you actually enjoy being alone, you enjoy your own thoughts, this is great
2. A little social interaction never hurt anybody, you're just into your own stuff (not very common)
3. Find other "weirdos" like yourself
4. Lay off the self-deprecating BS
Now post a personal story you find interesting.

Thanks for responding to my post, for my reply

1. I do enjoy being alone, however I feel like inversely the more I enjoy being alone, the more being around people make me really depressed.
2. Self-deprecating BS? While certainly not tasteful, I don't think that their is anything wrong with looking an a situation objectively, and I'm kinda over playing the game of "false courage", thus I was looking for assistance with question number 2 ( I assume this statement is in response to that one.)

First, I thank you for your positive responses, however in regards to responses 2 & 3, I don't have a problem making "friends", its just that I feel really vulnerable being vulnerable around others, so all of my friendships are shallow. I probably have things in my past that contribute to that feeling, but I can't change those, and I seemingly unconsciously drift towards these relationships, so I am trying to go with the flow and avoid them all together.

Thanks for the responses, and I hope I am not coming off as being unreasonable. Hopefully be clarifying my position I can better express my feelings.

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Sorry, but you are human. You will never be okay with being isolated.

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i believe that you need to have a good circle of close friends irl at the very least

hunans are social creatures and even the most introverted ppl need time to spend with others who share same interests, look out for you and can get advice from

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If you enjoy being alone then you just need to embrace it if it's what makes you happiest and is how you want to live your life.

But it doesnt sound like that's the case. And that's a pretty huge thing to fake it till you make it. And if that's true you should focus more on creating the life you want than how to accept the one you don't.

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smoke_break posted...

Sorry, but you are human. You will never be okay with being isolated.

That's the problem, I seem to both be a terrible human, and really bad at being human. So I was trying to create the alternative option. BUT you are right, and I was at a loss, and thus I asked for advice.
[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I won't. I am ok with ugly (and stated above am really looking for ways to avoid that turning into toxic feelings), and incel circles seemingly blame women, and I definitely don't blame women for my lack attractive features.

Parappa09 posted...

i believe that you need to have a good circle of close friends irl at the very least

hunans are social creatures and even the most introverted ppl need time to spend with others who share same interests, look out for you and can get advice from

I agree with you, however (probably for some reason in my childhood or my past), I do not feel comfortable being vulnerably close to people. While I know this is a problem, I was hoping that the would be a more personal alternative.

Thanks again for the responses, and for performing the "friend-surrogate" role for me

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KYOJIROKAGENUMA posted...

I do not feel comfortable being vulnerably close to people. While I know this is a problem, I was hoping that the would be a more personal alternative.

sorry to say it my guy, but you need to work on that as a priority

it sounds like a lot of what you're saying that you want (e.g. accepting being unwanted) is covering up other issues like that one. and what will make you happy is if you work on these instead rather than finding something you think will cover up the cracks

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smoke_break posted...

Sorry, but you are human. You will never be okay with being isolated.

As someone in this exact situation, I'm okay internally by simply not thinking about it. I focus on things unrelated to real life socialization. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend, but I have no idea what to do with one, so the matter is quickly dropped.

EIiza posted...

Do NOT venture into online incel circles. Theyre usually really toxic and bad for your mental health.

I read them sometimes out of curiosity. They get boring fast though. There is no real point in being so angry over problems with no solution.
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Parappa09 posted...

sorry to say it my guy, but you need to work on that as a priority

it sounds like a lot of what you're saying that you want (e.g. accepting being unwanted) is covering up other issues like that one. and what will make you happy is if you work on these instead rather than finding something you think will cover up the cracks

@Parappa09
Thanks for the response. Just to clarify, I feel like the only way to deal with the whole "being vulnerable" situation, is to accept the fact that I am generally unwanted, and thus that is why I was asking for tips for accepting being unwanted.

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On point 1, learning to be alone-- I would never trade my family away for anything, but one thing you don't have to deal with, living alone, is the crushing responsibility of having a wife and kids who are dependent on your income.

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I think your road to love, humility, and kindness is a shorter road than a life of brooding and solipsism. Even people who have accomplished great things in solitude had a goal based in some sort of love for people and the things we do or need.

So, your goal is ridiculous and conceited. That in itself is far from irredeemable but know that you may have much to offer yourself and the world if you simply are not so short-sighted. You can change everything for the better if you confront your pride and understand just a bit how it is constricting you.

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EIiza posted...

Do NOT venture into online incel circles. Theyre usually really toxic and bad for your mental health.

Also do not attempt to mingle with communities that freely condone discriminating rhetoric that basically implies you need to "make amends" for being what you were born as. Try to avoid socializing with people who claim you have innate guilt and obligations for being a certain gender(male), a certain race/culture, or sexual orientation (including heterosexuality).

That is also toxic. Because such people peddling that divisive rhetoric are toxic.

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berlyman101 posted...

I think your road to love, humility, and kindness is a shorter road than a life of brooding and solipsism. Even people who have accomplished great things in solitude had a goal based in some sort of love for people and the things we do or need.

So, your goal is ridiculous and conceited. That in itself is far from irredeemable but know that you may have much to offer yourself and the world if you simply are not so short-sighted. You can change everything for the better if you confront your pride and understand just a bit how it is constricting you.

@berlyman101
Thank you for you response. I do feel like you might have is misunderstood my goals here. First off, I am a social worker, so I do feel like directly contribute to both the community and my world, and thus I feel like my desired "life of brooding and solipsism" is really just me being a self-realized person. I mean I know my limits and my weakness , and I think (especially at the age of 30), that some of the positive things you said aren't true, and that I may need to be mature and realize what is actually available. I don't know how my quest for solidarity conceited, and I question why you think I have anything to offer myself. I would think that I am letting my pride go in ADMITTING that I am a lesser person, and acclimate my life around that.

Again, I don't mean to be confrontational, but I'm confused as to how you would draw my desire to withdraw do to inadequacy within myself to me being conceited. I feel kinda liberated finally being honest with how I truly feel.

I don't believe all of us are created equally, so it stands to reason that some of may not have a road to love.
I think I have a lot of humility by talking about my limitations.
And I fail to see how I lack kindness (except to maybe myself)

I hope you realize by the size of my post how much I appreciate you response.

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Way of the Samurai 2 was a great game. I played the shit out of it, loved collecting all those swords.

I dont have any advice that would help you, except quit looking at porn and try to date an ugly girl with a nice body. I dunno, I get along with people but I dont have a shitload of friends like I did before I moved. And lots of people I meet now, I dont like as much. Theres not a lot of people that I want to get to know better. My ltr meets those needs pretty well, but I put in a soul crushing amount of effort into cultivating that. I wouldnt look for it again.

Be an alpha man, tc
That way you will be wanted

Keith_Valentine posted...

Way of the Samurai 2 was a great game. I played the shit out of it, loved collecting all those swords.

I dont have any advice that would help you, except quit looking at porn and try to date an ugly girl with a nice body. I dunno, I get along with people but I dont have a shitload of friends like I did before I moved. And lots of people I meet now, I dont like as much. Theres not a lot of people that I want to get to know better. My ltr meets those needs pretty well, but I put in a soul crushing amount of effort into cultivating that. I wouldnt look for it again.

AntiNoob posted...

Be an alpha man, tc
That way you will be wanted

Thank you both, but I feel like I might possibly be misrepresenting myself. I am not trying to get a girl, nor do I want to be wanted. I am literally trying to find a way to do without, and I was hoping that others who have traveled the path would be able to provide assistance. I don't want a pep talk.

@AntiNoob
I real man makes decisions, and doesn't leave things up to hope or chance.

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MGTOW seems like your best bet. I dunno why you wouldnt want female companionship but thats your business.

I can't tell if you are consciously or unconsciously trying to fish for somebody to talk you out of your mindset.

Are you?

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AntiNoob posted...

Be an alpha man, tc
That way you will be wanted

I kinda think there really isn't such a thing as an alpha. But I definitely know people who call themselves that aren't alphas.

Usually it's code for selfish prick.

Not saying being a selfish prick never works, but it's far from actually being disciplined.

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Keith_Valentine posted...

MGTOW seems like your best bet. I dunno why you wouldnt want female companionship but thats your business.

@Keith_Valentine I don't agree with MGTOW. I actually feel like women play a vital part to our society and that choosing a life where they are not involved is kinda anti-humanitarian. I just don't think that I deserve female companionship.

joe40001 posted...

I can't tell if you are consciously or unconsciously trying to fish for somebody to talk you out of your mindset.

Are you?

@joe40001 Not at all, I feel that they way we form our beliefs are partially based on the factors that have influenced our lives, and therefore on such opinionated topics such as this, I don't think I could be talked out of the mindset (vice-versa I don't think I could convince anyone to believe my mindset)
As stated previously the purpose of this topic was hopefully to get advice from like minded people.

If I may ask, what led you to believe that I might have been consciously or unconsciously trying to find someone to change my mind?

EDIT: Also let me say this is why I choose to post this hear. Sorry to say this, but I would never feel this comfortable telling people I knew IRL about these feelings, and thus this board makes a nice place to post my more vulnerable thoughts.

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Because, I've personally experienced both first-hand and second-hand using "woe is me" as a fishing expedition for reassurance of something that you want to hear but think you can get.

Let me put it another way: If it were 100% true you could get a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship where you felt wanted. Would you want to know? Would this topic change?

I'm not saying you can. I'm saying I'm potentially getting vibes that some part of you might be fishing for reassurance if it's possible.

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joe40001 posted...

Because, I've personally experienced both first-hand and second-hand using "woe is me" as a fishing expedition for reassurance of something that you want to hear but think you can get.

Let me put it another way: If it were 100% true you could get a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship where you felt wanted. Would you want to know? Would this topic change?

I'm not saying you can. I'm saying I'm potentially getting vibes that some part of you might be fishing for reassurance if it's possible.

@joe40001

I hope I am answering this correctly, but If I felt the potentiality to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship, and was having trouble obtaining, then I would ask for advice on how to obtain it. However this is not the case, and therefore that is not what I asked for.

Wow, actually reading your question made me realize that I have no idea what a happy, health, fulfilling relationship is and therefore its not surprising (to me at least) that I would not place my hopes in something that is unknown to me.

I don't think I would have any problem openly asking for comfort on this board in the same way I feel no problem stating my vulnerabilities. I hope that was clear enough.


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2 things:

1. Unless it's really crucial it's generally bad form to @ people. You don't need to do it for everybody who responds to you, people recheck the topics they've posted in before without being @'d.

2. I am actually trying to answer your overall question, but to best answer it we do have to tease apart the underlying assumptions. And it seems like for you those assumptions are that yes you'd want to feel wanted and have a happy relationship but fundamentally don't think it's possible and you are bitter or upset about that.

The solutions are pretty simple, either 1. Evaluate if you really truly want to give up on this thing that at least some part of you wants. 2. If you do, simply give up.

The answer to your original question is: Have no hope. How mad were you today that you didn't have the power of human flight? Not at all, because you know that is actually not possible.

If you truly aren't on a fishing expedition to have your mind changed. Then you just have to go through the stages of grief and get to acceptance. When you truly accept an impossibility it ceases to be as painful because you are no longer being denied something because that thing is literally impossible for you to have.

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You need to learn to love yourself. You are a strong caring person. You are loved. I can tell just how you post that you are a good person.

Don't tell me you already love yourself. Because reading your story reminds me of myself. I struggle to this day with loving myself. But I'm making progress. I'm more forgiving with myself. A little more understanding with myself. It's much easier for me to forgive others before myself.


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1. Thanks, I did not know about the @'ing people, whoops my bad
2. I will conceded that yes I am upset (I wouldn't say bitter), and while I hate using the term "give up", I do feel like I have, and thus created the topic asking for assistance from others who understand was me coming to acceptance and attempting to form a strategy for the future that I have chosen, so I don't know if I'm STILL upset. I would say that I have accepted it as an impossibility and I am no longer paralyzed by the pain of situation, and thus I am comfortable stating my feelings and looking for advice.

And to Mattnd2007
I don't love myself, but I don't think a grown man should be in love with anything (just my opinion). But I do think I could be a little easier and more forgiving on myself, I'll give you that.
However I do think my stance on my personal solidarity is legitimate and I did not come to this conclusion in a swirl of emotions.

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How old are you tc

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JBaLLEN66 posted...

How old are you tc

30

Edit, Aye, wait a minute, why you ask? lol

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Ok, like I said though, just accept it as an impossibility more.

You didn't feel bad or distraught about other things you could never possibly have today, so if you truly accept it, the hurt will leave.

As far as being happier just with yourself, idk I'm bad at that. Maybe look at others who are no better than you and see how they accept themselves and say "well if they accept themselves it's only fair I accept myself."

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I've been struggling with the same type of issue, except that I do want to find somebody eventually. I've had to make due with being alone though, and it was really tearing me apart for a long time. I've only recently begun to accept that it's simply not going to happen for me. It's not a comforting thought, and I'm still unhappy about it, but it's just finally settling in after many years. Maybe you just need time too.

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Stop looking for love. Is overrated instead pay up and get laid possibly twice a month and you'll be fine.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

I've been struggling with the same type of issue, except that I do want to find somebody eventually. I've had to make due with being alone though, and it was really tearing me apart for a long time. I've only recently begun to accept that it's simply not going to happen for me. It's not a comforting thought, and I'm still unhappy about it, but it's just finally settling in after many years. Maybe you just need time too.

Depending on factors, it might be possible for you. But you have to decide what you want, and why you believe you are helpless when it comes to such things.

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You misunderstand. Love not as in romantic love. Like real love.

Acceptance of self. I speak from years of experience.

Spent most of my life since middle school as my harshest critic. My biggest bully. I'm way more mean to myself than anyone else on the face of the Earth.

Any time I didn't get a good enough grade. Any time I embarrassed myself by doing something awkward. Etc.

"This is why no one will ever love you" "you think you're so smart but you're actually a dumb shit" "your friends aren't really your friends, they just feel bad for you and are stuck with you"

These are the kinds of thoughts I deal with on the daily. For years. I'm only finally realizing that none of those are true.


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It seems like you selectively choose which stereotypical expectations of manhood you follow. Men shouldn't love anything? That's never been a tenet of society. In fact the opposite is true.

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berlyman101 posted...

It seems like you selectively choose which stereotypical expectations of manhood you follow. Men shouldn't love anything? That's never been a tenet of society. In fact the opposite is true.

Agreed

TC get some help. If you are a man of God talk to your pastor. If not find a good therapist.

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Sad Sack gimmick account #8369898
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Connecting with people is cool but not the end all be all.

If you enjoy being by yourself use it to gain skills and learn a variety of things so at least you can keep yourself interesting and can be interesting to others which will gain you connections.

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Lol

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Just date a fat girl, TC.

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Watch the movie A Serious Man

It's on Netflix

Cohen bros movie from 2009

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mattnd2007 posted...

Watch the movie A Serious Man

It's on Netflix

Cohen bros movie from 2009

This has nothing to do with TC

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