Current Events > I thought I would grow up to be successful and happy and be like my parents

(+) Yeah! (+)

Then I realized how often my parents fought

Then at age 5? 6? I would be screaming trying to break up physical altercations between them

Then around age 10 I stopped getting sleep, I was exhausted in school all the time. My grades started to slip, completed homework became less and less frequent. Meetings with various school staff about my concerning changes became frequent.

I went through puberty with no guidance and immense religious guilt. I started to hate myself.

I realized my dad was cheating. I was probably 11? I heard him on the phone frequently. One time he took me to a Green Day concert with a woman I had never seen. Once my parents finally divorced several years ago, he was quick to bring his mistress of 2 years to meet the family. He still to this day routinely threatens violence against people my mother dates, and threatens to put her out on the street.

In high school my grades got worse. I got less sleep. I would average between 1-4 hours a night, having stayed up all night trying to do homework; I would go in to school with nothing to hand in. I would show up halfway through the day.

I barely got through high school. I quickly failed college and dropped out.

I now work a dead end job. I still do not sleep, and I have stopped eating regularly. I have no social life, and Im stuck in a relationship I hate.

I am a mentally ill trainwreck and my condition only seems to worsen. The few people still close to me express great concern over my emotionally volatile state and how much I have going on in my head. I exist in a haze, I often feel confused and disoriebted, or just angry, bitter, and depressed. The former comes with a physical grogginess, and a genuine uncertainty of where I am or what Im doing. I get brief episodes of clarity, where I feel incredible embarassment and disgust over myself and the way I act and bitch to others. I feel physically ill all the time. I have puked more in the past few months than in the past 5 years.

:(
---

tmi
---

Nice copypasta

what a plight, jack

Youve got to man up and stop making excuses for the abusive relationship. Put your foot down and decisively end it. It sucks that it went badly the first time around, and that wasnt necessarily your fault. However, you allowing things to keep lingering past that point is 100% on you.

Youve gotten some good advice from people in past topics on this; I hope you eventually take it.
---

0AbsoluteZero0 posted...

Youve got to man up and stop making excuses for the abusive relationship. Put your foot down and decisively end it. It sucks that it went badly the first time around, and that wasnt necessarily your fault. However, you allowing things to keep lingering past that point is 100% on you.

Youve gotten some good advice from people in past topics on this; I hope you eventually take it.

Im aware but this round of moaning is less about that and more about my situation as a borderline invalid worthless parasite
---

Your life reads a lot like my own, so Id like to say a few things:

1) You would greatly benefit from seeking a psychiatrist for your own mental health. I can see the road youre heading down, and you and I both know itll only get worse if you dont do anything about it.

2) Your feelings are valid. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. People seem to think that depression is something that can be cured with a bit of motivational speech. However, it truly is up to you to seek the help you need.

3) You may have not had a choice in how your childhood turned out and how it has subsequently affected you, but you can still influence your future. Please, please talk to a professional. Start out by making a check up with your doctor, and tell them about your struggles so they can refer you to a specialist who can really make a difference with you.

Personal anecdote: I had a similar upbringing and issues with high school. I ended up getting my GED because I was unable to finish HS on my own. Since then, Ive been going to regular therapy and psychiatry appointments. Its a really tough road, and progress for me is slow but I can see it. My goal is to be able to attend college without the fear that I am going to drop out. It might take a year or even longer until Ill be able to start college but I will get there.

Its incredible to have hope and dreams for my future again, and I hope youll eventually be able to have that too

My pms are always open
---

After being made to feel like a piece of shit for things out of my control, giving and recieving an apology, and having a very vulnerable conversation about mental illness, I am reasonably certain I am being cheated on, or at least subjected to some drunken manipulation game
---

butthole666 posted...

After being made to feel like a piece of shit for things out of my control, giving and recieving an apology, and having a very vulnerable conversation about mental illness, I am reasonably certain I am being cheated on, or at least subjected to some drunken manipulation game

Dump your cheating gf then
---

Wherethisfeom posted...

Beginning of the end

Every day for the past like year and a half has felt like Im free falling
---

I relate to a lot of this but other parts not at all

I struggled through high school but mostly because of attendance then dropped out of college and got stuck in a dead end job with no social life. I have no relationship though and don't have childhood traumas to blame any of this on
---

Hate to be that guy. But how do you people with mental issues still get into relationships?

Wouldnt that be terribly draining for your mental state?
---

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Hate to be that guy. But how do you people with mental issues still get into relationships?

Wouldnt that be terribly draining for your mental state?

Well I don't... Which I feel like is a factor to my shitty mental state. Not the only one for sure, but the feeling I'm not good enough for anyone certainly is part of it
---

cuttin_in_farm posted...

Hate to be that guy. But how do you people with mental issues still get into relationships?

Wouldnt that be terribly draining for your mental state?

It is
---

I dunno if youd believe me. But I feel not being in a relationship is better. A relationship is spose to be a mutual progression.

Speaking from experience, the most vulnerable attract the most parasites.

The feeling of inferior value is definitely hard to overcome. Especially when your lack of success only validates your perception. Its kinda a screwed either way scenario, supposedly.

Do you feel like theres nothing neutral in your daily routines right now? I say neutral because when one is in a depressed state, I get how everything seems bad. Are you open to professional help? Your body is reacting, you say.
---

No wonder you're so insufferable on here TC, still doesn't excuse it.