Current Events > CYOA: You're a socially awkward superhero with no villains to fight.

(+) Yeah! (+)

You're lying on the carpet in your mother's basement, gently tossing a tennis ball in the air to yourself. Your lumpy body usually prefers the beaten down couch against the wall, but for some reason your nerves drove you to the floor today. You're nervous because today's the day you finally decided to start helping.

You've had your powers for a little over a year now, but nobody's ever seen you use them. After all, this isn't a movie. This is real life. Nobody's trying to take over the world or lay waste to a continent. Sure, you could use your powers to try to impress some girls, but the overflowing mush pile that is your torso would certainly inhibit that effort. After a while, it was this kind of thinking that started to make you feel guilty. You're the closest thing to a walking god this planet has ever seen. And all you can think of is what - how that might get you laid? That's not how your mother raised you.

Your mother passed away a little over a year and a half ago. So technically, this isn't your mother's house anymore. It's yours. You still sleep in the basement though; it'd just feel weird sleeping in her room. You got your powers after she died, but if she knew you had them, she'd want you to use them for good. The problem is, you don't really know how to get the word out there. Furthermore, you've never really liked being the center of attention, so lifting a bus with each arm in the middle of town isn't really your style.

You decided to hang up posters advertising a local hero with the tagline "No Problem Too Small". You created an email address where requests for help can pour in. You drag yourself off the floor and over to your computer. Four emails have come in so far.

Which email title do you decide to address?

A) "Someone's stolen my car!"
B) "My husband's gone missing!"
C) "My coworker Janice won't stop swearing at me in the office."
D) "I think the bartender at Julio's Tavern is racist."
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B
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C.

Is there a place where your previous CYOAs are archived?
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D
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LordFarquad1312 posted...

C.

Is there a place where your previous CYOAs are archived?

https://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/586631-aerial-assault
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C

D
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You're baaaaack

C
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D
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C
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HotLap posted...

LordFarquad1312 posted...

C.

Is there a place where your previous CYOAs are archived?

https://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/586631-aerial-assault

Thank you kind sir, I have been meaning to re read your triplets and marihuana one.
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C
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Up
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C

Screw you, arch enemy Janice!!!
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A.
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C) "My coworker Janice won't stop swearing at me in the office."

You decide it's better to start with something simple and choose the foul mouthed old lady. The other options would require actual investigation skills on your part. How are you supposed to know where this person's car went? Or where this woman's husband is? Or how to heal the racial divide in this Uh-Oh Oreo of a country?

Hell, the husband's probably dead. Car's probably dead too and has been taken apart for scraps. Racism certainly isn't dead but your public persona will be if you show up to Julio's Tavern to a conflict between Venezuelans and Guatemalans and can't figure out which side is which.

You open up the rest of the email which reads, "I just started working at Sloan Harbor Insurance a few months ago after graduating college. My cubemate is an old grouch named Janice who's been working here for thirty years and smoking for forty. I think I can help improve this company and make it grow, but every time I tell Janice an idea she calls me a doe-eyed little s*** or a sassy f***nut. Sometimes she just calls me Helen because that's what her last cubemate's name was and she can't be bothered to remember mine. I tried talking to management about it, but my boss told me "That's just Janice. She'll either retire or die soon." I don't want to lose my enthusiasm so quickly out of college. Please help.

-Katie"

If there's one thing that's valued above all else in the business world, it's child-like innocence. You like how she even censored the words shit and fucknut in her email. She shouldn't lose all passion and drive only three or four months removed from college. She has a right to lose it six or seven months out of college, like everyone else does.

"On my way," you reply.

You step out of your house, jog a few steps and leap into the air in the direction of Sloan Harbor. You wouldn't call what you do flying, it's more skyrunning or treading air. You see Sloan Harbor rapidly approaching about fifteen seconds after you left the ground. You stop kicking the air and let yourself drop eighty feet onto the parking lot concrete, fracturing off some of the pavement.

A man eating a meatball sub stops mid-bite to stare at you. A saucy meatball falls out of his sandwich plops on his khakis. "Wh-who the hell are you?"
"I'm just a guy who can jump really long and punch really hard," you reply. "Among other things."
"How did you get your powers?" he asks bewildered.
"I... uh... I blend three frogs with my protein shake whenever I work out," you respond.
The man raises a brow and eyes you up and down. "You work out?"
You squint and think about vaporizing Meatballs. You just told this fucknut you kill a minimum of three frogs a day and he didn't bat an eye at that shit. But the working out bit, THAT'S what tipped him off you were lying.

You leave Meatballs to his business of making a bad stain worse via Tide-To-Go crotchal scrubbing and go inside. You make a mental note to try to repress your own cussing. You typically have a pottymouth and don't want to come across as a hypocrite. You knock on the reception desk and say, "I'm looking for Katie." Before the receptionist can respond, a young woman with a brown ponytail rounds the corner in black pants and a red dress shirt. She was smiling as she rounded the corner, but upon seeing you her face briefly recoiled into a look of confusion and disappointment - but only for a second before she regained a less natural smile.

Look at that - she recovered. What a pro. She might make it in the business world yet.
---

Katie extends a hand out to you and introduces herself, "Thank you so much for coming. I'm Katie."
"Hi," you reply. "I'm uh-... I'm the hero guy."
She nods, still trying her best to mask her true feelings. "I... Well you weren't exactly what I was expecting," she says.
You shrug. "I get that a lot." What is wrong with these people? You can throw a truck over goddamn building without even straining. It's kinda hard for you to get some genuine fucking exercise these days.
"Well, um... I'll show you to my cubicle," Katie offers.
"Right, let's do this sh- uh... do this bitch. Fuck, bitch is still a swear. Whoops, so was the other word. I'm sorry Katie, I'll get it together on the walk over," you reassure her.
Katie doesn't look so assured.

On the way over, a fly starts buzzing around your hair. You gently swat it away, but it returns almost instantly. You bat at it again, but it comes back. You open your hands before reminding yourself in your head, "Don't clap." The fly eventually loses interest and goes off to bother someone else. "Are there a lot of flies in here, Katie?"
"I don't think so. Why? Did you see one?"
"Yeah," you confirm. "I only ask because I get a little distracted when they're around. Buzzing in my ear and whatnot."
"A hero who's kryptonite is a common house fly?" Katie jokes. "Can't say I've heard that one before."
You laugh politely. It's not you who the fly would hurt though.

You get to Katie and Janice's workspace and see a grey-haired woman with holes in the elbows of her sweater and cigarette burns on her jeans. She's sitting at an unkempt desk with loose papers and food wrappers that have likely been collecting dust for months. Katie's desk is pristine, not a pen or post-it out of place. "Janice?" Katie calls out.
Janice turns around and squints at you with darkened raccoon like eyes before a smile creeps across her weather-worn face. "Who do we have here, Helen?"
You step in front of Katie and state confidently, "Her name is not Helen, it's Katie. And I think you know that Janice."
Janice leans back in her chair and barks in gruff smoke-stretched voice, "Who do we have here, Katie?"
"I'm just a guy who's trying to help out," you tell her. "I've heard you've been using some pretty blue language in the office lately. Maybe try keeping it a little more professional from now on, huh?"
Janice tries to feign ignorance. "I... I don't think I've been saying anything unprofessional."
"Well, now I think we both know that's not true," you try to remain polite. "I heard that you've been using the s-word and uh-"
"Which s-word?" Janice interjects.
"Well, um... the one where uh..." you awkwardly make a fist with your thumb outstretched and make a couple pumps behind you. "Y'know, the one where the stuff comes out the back of you. And um... what was... what else," you mumble as you look back at Katie.
Katie makes an F with her fingers.
"Oh right, the fuck word. Heard you been saying lots of things with the fuck word," you continue.
"You just said the word you're telling me not to say," Janice points out.
"I don't... I don't fuckin' work here," you reply, as your lazily constructed language filter leaves your brain.
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Janice beckons you to lean in close. "I've been here for thirty years," she whispers, "and I'll say whatever the fuck I want to."
"Hey now, Janice. Come on-" you begin.
"I won't be bossed around by some uptight slut and her sweaty shitstain of a brother," she interrupts.
Why were you automatically the brother? You couldn't have possibly been the boyfriend? "Fuck you, you cracked ancient ashtray."
"Get the fuck outta my face, you limp dick," she retorts.
Katie rests her hands on your shoulder and gently tries to pull you away. "Dried up catcher's mitt lookin' motherfucker."
"Eat my ass, fatso."
"Stop cussing, you two-years-away-from-death lookin' colostomy bag," you add, proud to use an curse-free insult.
"It's not working," Katie says, still trying to pull you away to no avail.
"Screw you too, Katie," Janice calls out.
"Well that's an improvement," you whisper to Katie. "Technically not a swear and she called you by your real name."
"Blown out little fuckslut," Janice adds in.

"Okay," you breathe in heavily and turn back to face Janice again when the fly buzzes to your right. Acting on instinct, your hands clap together in an attempt to kill the fly. As they collide, a wave of force erupts from your hands and rushes towards the direction your fingers are pointing. The wave slams into cubicle walls across from Janice and Katie's, sending some flying backwards towards the wall and just splintering some entirely. Other coworkers who have been not-so-stealthily watching this old woman and neckbeard argue are sent flying from their office chairs. Some are caught in the cubicle storm and are buried while others are sent speeding into the drywall. The result is a unstable jungle gym made of fractured cubicle walls and panicked office workers that's been pushed to the corner of the room.

"Ah shit," you mutter as you try to determine the severity of the damage you've just caused. Half of the office is destroyed for sure and can no longer be used to drive revenue for Sloan Harbor Insurance. On the bright side, you detect no fatalities from the accident. You start to hear moans of pain from the wreckage.

Katie looks shocked and devastated. Janice just looks annoyed. "Now look what you've done, you piece of shit."
Your eye twitches as the fly lands on your cheek. Did this goddamn bitch just cuss at you again?

What do you do?

A) End Janice.
B) Just maim Janice by taking one of her legs.
C) Cut out Janice's tongue.
D) You've caused enough damage to this office. Flee.
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B and D.
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D
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A

D. Trying to be a hero here.
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B. Janice is probably one of those people who are impossible to reason with words only.
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Bump.
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bump
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D - 2
A - 1
B - 1
BD - 1
C - 1

I'll wait for a couple more votes.
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Bump.
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D
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LordFarquad1312 posted...

B and D.

But B is an accident.
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D
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Start of the week bump
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D
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Will update tomorrow.
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B
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Up
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BD
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Updating now.
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Tag

Welcome back, man!
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averagejoel posted...

B

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D) You've caused enough damage to this office. Flee.

You're new at this, everybody bombs their first gig. Sometimes people boo a new songwriter, sometimes nobody laughs at a new comedian's jokes, and sometimes a new hero destroys an office building. Everybody's got obstacles they need to get through when they first start.

You can't let one bad hero performance ruin the rest of your career though. You better get out of here before the police show up and blacklist you from heroing. You turn to Katie and say, "Hey, I'm gonna get going. I guess beginner's luck isn't a thing for everybody, huh?"
Katie's lip trembles as she surveys the wreckage. "How did you do that?"
"I tried to kill the fly," you respond. "I missed it though, it's still buzzing around."
"N-no, I mean how did you destroy the entire office with a single clap? Like what are you?" she asks.
"The ad is pretty clear, I thought," you tell her. "Says hero right on it."
"Well yeah, but I thought you were like the thoughtful and innovative business solutions type of hero, not like an actual superhero!" she exclaims.
"I started the flyer in WordArt and almost ran out of room so I printed it out and finished it with crayon. What part of that says business solutions to you?" you demand.
Katie's fear seems to be subsiding into awe, but she's still clutching the front of her shirt tightly. "How did you get your powers?"
"Uh, well if you eat sixty Snack Pack pudding cups in an hour, it unlocks a new level of consciousness and physical ability that humans have never seen before. Unfortunately, the pudding never leaves your body and you look like this forever."
Upon hearing your answer, Katie's awe rushes away and her fear returns.
"Well, sorry about the office. This was my first hero attempt. I know it didn't go so well, but if you could not fuck me up on Yelp I'd really appreciate it," you request. "You'd be the only review and having a one hundred percent negative score wouldn't be good for business."
"You're literally still swearing," Katie folds her arms.
"I'm gonna fuck you up on Yelp," Janice chimes in.
"I'll fuck you up in real life, Janice!" you yell instinctually.
Katie grabs your arm and pulls you away, "She doesn't even know what Yelp is, please just go Pudding Man."
"Shit, I really hope Pudding Man doesn't catch on," you sigh.
"Get out of here!" Katie commands.
"Right. Sorry again," you apologize as you walk back to the entrance and out of the building.

Meatballs is still outside, staring at Sloan Harbor Insurance in disbelief. The bench Meatballs was eating his sandwich at was right outside the wall you sent all the cubicles flying at. The windows are all broken, chairs and desks shoved halfway through them. As he sees you exit, he shouts out, "What the hell did you do in there?!"
"Oh, it wasn't me," you lie.
A man lying stuck halfway out of a window, lodged between the window frame and displaced desk, groans, "Yeah... yeah it was him."
"Not cool, man," you scold him. "I wouldn't have ratted you out if you did this."
"Why?" Meatballs cries in bewilderment. "We're just a small family owned insurance company. Why would you do this?"
"It was an accident," you confess.
---

"Well your little accident probably just cost a lot of people their jobs," Meatballs reprimands you. "Like I said, it's a small company. They won't be able to recover from half the building being destroyed. And even if they do, they're gonna have to lay a lot of people off."
You raise an eyebrow. "You mean this insurance company didn't insure it's own office building? It seems like this would be covered-"
"Is this just a joke to you? I know you've got powers that make you more than human, but do you understand the struggle of the everyday person?" Meatballs asks. "If I lose my job, I'm not going to be able to pay my mortgage."
You hang your head. You didn't really understand people even before you got these powers.
As he walks over to the window and tries to pull the snitch outside despite the man's grunts of protest, Meatballs continues his tirade, "So you've possibly bankrupted a company and messed up dozens of lives today. What was it all for?"
"I wanted to make a woman stop swearing at her coworker," you say.
"Please stop. No, no, just leave me here," the man trapped in the window gurgles as Meatballs yanks on his arm.
"Did it work?" Meatballs asks you.
"...No," you mutter.
Meatballs puts his foot against the wall to get more leverage to tug at the man's arm even harder. "Well... nice job, hero."
"H-his name is Pudding Man," the guy stammers as he plops free from the window's grasp and out onto the soft grass.
How did that spread so quickly?

You hear sirens in the distance. "I gotta go."
"Go?" Meatballs shouts. "You should stay and own up to what you did when the police get here. That's what a real hero would do when he messes up."
You tell yourself you're not a real hero yet. You're still learning. It wouldn't be fair for you to be condemned for causing one crazy accident when you were just trying to help.... right?

"Sorry," you whisper as you take a couple running steps and jump away from the scene. Maybe you just need to find a job where the stakes are a little higher. Causing all that collateral damage when the best possible outcome was to make an old woman stop swearing was a little disproportionate in retrospect. One public spectacle where you save a couple lives or something similar, and your luck turns around.

Or maybe you should face the consequences of what you did back at Sloan Harbor and try to earn back the trust of the people you've hurt.

Or maybe you're just a fuck up who will never get it right.

What do you do?

A) Go back and turn yourself into the authorities.
B) Listen to the police scanner in hopes of finding a juicy crime to stop.
C) Wallow in shame, self-pity, and alcohol.
D) Try another job from your e-mail inbox (Specify which one).
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teepan95 posted...

Tag

Welcome back, man!

What's up, babe?
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B you can escape being pudding man you just have to double down!
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Assmuff returns.

B
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C while doing B
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C and B
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HotLap posted...

teepan95 posted...

Tag

Welcome back, man!

What's up, babe?

Not much, you?

B
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B

Let's be a real superhero
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C and B
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