LogFAQs > #956410723

Froakie posted...

Thats all drinking will do.. I admit I drink all the time so its not on me to tell you not too, but as a fellow alcoholic, you need to stop.

For sure, I'm going to make a serious effort to stop when I get some counselling.

I was actually sober for three and a half months at the start of the year because I did myself a mischief last year. At the time I thought it was my liver - and I was doing damage to my liver, got tested for liver enzymes in my blood and the results came back pretty bad. But I think it's more to do with caffeinated/sugary alcoholic beverages, like premixed bourbon and cola which was my quarantine go-to. I only resumed drinking because I didn't have the means to process my mental issues while sober, and the options afforded to me were endure what I felt to be an unendurable burden, lash out - which I didn't want to do - or drink. And I knew it was a stopgap measure at best until I fixed whatever was wrong with me, but I didn't have the support I needed at the time and it kept me safe during some of the most advanced depression I've ever felt in my life.

That's not to try and justify drinking or alcohol as "good". Alcohol was a port in a storm, I re-engaged with it knowing the risks, and frankly I'm right back where I started which is a bad thing. I took care to try and not relapse, as one thing I read about relapsing is that it's moreso about falling back into old habits rather than tainting your life with a single sip of alcohol. You don't throw away or destroy the progress you made by imbibing, but you do relapse when you begin abusing it again. And despite the care I took to prevent myself from relapsing, I have relapsed. But that's the reason why.

Seriously, between the feelings that led me back to alcohol and the past three months, this has probably been the worst I've ever felt. I've had some shit years, and 2021 might go down as the worst year of my life.

My fear regarding this friend is that I'm going to be like "oh my god I'm so sorry, please be okay" and it's going to be shitty. She said something to the effect of "I'm not going to be okay ever again, and if anyone says that I will be, I'll fucking kill them". I can't do that to her.

And just a general statement to whoever's reading this - her husband had just died. If reading that rubbed you the wrong way, please keep it to yourself. Don't judge my friend based on that statement alone.

Just... I can't let her down. I can't make her life worse. And I'm worried that one of these days I'm going to say the wrong thing and it's going to hurt her.

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But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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