Current Events > I'm not doing so well

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MrMallard
07/24/21 12:45:47 AM
#1:


I hate making topics like these because there's an inherent attention-seeking quality to them, and I don't want to be defined as an attention seeker. But sometimes, this is the only platform I can come to with stuff like this - usually after I feel like I've worn out my welcome elsewhere.

This might get rambly, I'm really hungover and I'm going through a lot. I'll try to be as direct as possible.

My life has been falling apart for the past three months. It seems like it's getting worse every day, and I know that there's a rock bottom coming, and I don't know when I'm going to hit it or what it's going to be.

The way I would phrase it is like this:

I don't think I'm going to be okay, but I don't know what "not okay" is going to entail.

I'm barely functioning as it is, but the only reason I'm mentally holding it together to the degree that I am is because I have to. I'm only "okay" because there's nowhere for me to not be okay. I don't cry, I don't lash out, I don't express how I really feel anywhere because I don't feel comfortable or safe enough anywhere.

There is only so much of that I can take before the other shoe drops. And it's fucking terrifying to feel it coming, to have it hanging over me every waking hour, and have no idea about what it's going to look like until it happens.

And it's not like I'm just letting this happen. I have actively sought out mental healthcare services through every means at my disposal.

I organised some counselling sessions with my doctor, and I was meant to start them yesterday. I waited a month for these sessions, and there were days where I felt like the other shoe was gonna drop before I got to see a mental health professional. I was counting down the days until my first counselling session. I was counting down the fucking days.

I got a call at 10am on the day of my first session, saying that the counsellor had a health scare and had stopped practicing for the year.

And it's like I understand that there is a significant reason behind this occurrence, the person I was meant to see is not okay, nothing about this is about me. I have not been wronged.

But despite that, I needed these sessions. I need them. I have been waiting a MONTH, after two hellish months where I alienated all of my friends and lapsed back into heavy alcoholism, to which I'm convinced that time is of the essence to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with me before I destroy every significant relationship in my life. That month got so bad for me that I had my first anxiety attack ever, in my life. That month has been so bad that I had to console myself by COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS. And they CANCELLED on me, the DAY I had been counting down to. An entire month of my life, WASTED.

During that month, I saw my doctor to discuss interim treatment. I didn't want to axe the sessions, but I needed help as soon as possible. I needed something to get me over the edge. She told me that any mental health professional willing to see me is likely to have a month-long waiting list, so there's nothing she could do.

What that means is that when I see her again to schedule another counsellor, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.

I barely made it the first time. Barely. Through eating like a garbage disposal and drinking like a fish, through days of lying in bed and hitting the bar, I managed to get to Friday, the 23rd of July, without the other shoe dropping.

So what the fuck am I going to do now?

I feel like I burned up all the goodwill in my life this past month. I've been stretching it for three months, and I've pushed it to its limit in the way I've been living this past month.

How am I going to wait another month for mental health resources I desperately needed more than a month ago?

I've gotten counselling through another organisation before, so I've asked them multiple times to look into organising some more sessions. The first guy I spoke to wasn't sure how to proceed on that front. The second guy, who I saw yesterday in the wake of my cancellation, couldn't find any video sessions which is what I need. So I'm SOL on that front.

I went to the hospital last Sunday to ask about a mental ward my sister went to a couple years ago. The nurse called them up after I explained what was on my mind, and both her assessment and theirs were that I was not in need of their services. They gave me their phone number just in case, and I have a couple helplines to turn to if things go sour.

I mean hell, I did call a helpline at one point. It's an Australian organisation called Beyond Blue. And it helped in the moment, but the lady kept stopping me to ask my age, gender, location and other details that I think were for cataloguing my demographic moreso than helping me. At the end, she gave me some important advice, but the crux of it all is that she could only stay on the line for thirty minutes before she had to hang up, and she gave me more helplines in case I needed further support.

It's helplines, helplines, helplines, all the way down. We can't help you, but here's a helpline in case you need further support. Even the helplines give you helpline numbers.

So I've exhausted all of my options. It's out of my hands. I've seen my doctor. I've been to the hospital. I've gone to an organisation within my reach. I've called a helpline. And nothing has come of it. I haven't gotten the help I need. All I need to do is wait another month for the chance of seeing a mental health professional, go to the hospital if this progresses, and call a fucking helpline for immediate support if I need it.

I don't know what "not okay" is going to look like. I'm already not okay - I need to say it. I'm not okay. I'm the least okay I've ever been. And I'm not going to be okay.

I'm not going to be okay. Don't read too deep into that, but I'm not going to be okay. I'm trying to get the help I need to be okay, but I'm not and I'm not going to be okay.

And again - I'm holding myself together, I'm cognizant, and I'm aware of the safeguards I can employ if this progresses further. I understand that saying "I'm not going to be okay", especially in the way I just said it, can imply a lot of dark stuff.

I want to make a point of saying, for the sake of any users who are worried about me or any moderators who may take that as a threat of self-harm, that I'm not talking about suicide. I'm not in a place where I'm considering killing myself. So please don't take "I'm not going to be okay" as me threatening self-harm or suicide, because I'm not. I'm just venting about my mental health, which I have a record of doing.

It's like I said before - I don't know what "not okay" looks like. I know it's coming if I don't get immediate help - which I'm looking for - but I don't know what it looks like or what it's going to manifest as. But I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about suicide or self-harm, either implicitly or explicitly.

To cap off this shitshow of a post, I need to vent about one more thing.

An online friend of mine got married about a month ago. Two weeks later, her husband died.

I'm worried about her, and there was a period during my own downward spiral where I removed myself from the equation and focused on her. Her wellbeing, her survival, became my focus. If she's not okay, I'm not okay.

But that's selfish. That's not respectful of her or her grief at all. And I'm so worried that I'm going to drive her away or make things worse during one of the worst times of her life.

The fact that I've tied my own issues into the death of her husband is beyond fucked up to me. I just want her to be okay, but I used it as an excuse to remove myself from my own problems.

I'm worried that I'm going to implode, and it's going to harm her just as much if not more.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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h23456bca
07/24/21 12:48:30 AM
#2:


Sounds like you shouldnt be on the internet so much.

---
People say I'm no good, crazy as a loon.
'Cause I get stoned in the morning, and drunk in the afternoon.
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MrMallard
07/24/21 12:50:02 AM
#3:


That's one reason why I couldn't take this to another platform - I can't let this leak out into her life, because she's dealing with enough at the moment.

I'm sorry for dropping this thread on an unsuspecting CE, but as you can see I don't have a lot of other options. If you've read this entire clusterfuck, thank you, and rest assured that if push comes to shove I'm aware of healthcare options I can take to protect myself, and I'm explicitly stating that I am not at risk of self-harm or suicide. There's a lot going on, but if you should take anything away from this, it's that I'm cognizant enough that I'm not going to engage in either practice.

I didn't even get to my recent self-medicalisation with alcohol, which deserves its own novela-length post. I might get to it later on.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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Guide
07/24/21 12:57:43 AM
#4:


I feel like, even if you're not there yet, you're significantly close enough that it wouldn't be a bad idea to call the suicide hotline. They might be able to fast track you some help, and if nothing else, they're trained to handle venting.

I'm sorry that this board's kinda useless as help.

---
evening main 2.4356848e+91
https://youtu.be/Acn5IptKWQU
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MrMallard
07/24/21 1:18:39 AM
#5:


Guide posted...
I feel like, even if you're not there yet, you're significantly close enough that it wouldn't be a bad idea to call the suicide hotline. They might be able to fast track you some help, and if nothing else, they're trained to handle venting.

I'm sorry that this board's kinda useless as help.
All good. I honestly just needed to vent. I appreciate the advice, thanks for caring

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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Sariana21
07/24/21 1:41:00 AM
#6:


I think maybe you need to try the ER again. Say whatever you need to say to get more help. Dont let them blow you off.

Keep posting here if it helps you keep your head in place.

I wish I could say something more helpful.

---
___
Sari, Mom to DS (07/04) and DD (01/08); Pronouns: she/her/hers
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Winrawr
07/24/21 1:42:29 AM
#7:


Go to the ER
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PC-Builder_Pony
07/24/21 1:48:09 AM
#8:


Damn not TC now, I always thought he was fairly amusing

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Mac Book Pro 16 - 6-Core i7-9750H @ 2.60GHz - 32gb DDR4 2667 MHz - Radeon Pro 5500M 8gb - 2TB Apple SSD
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ModLogic
07/24/21 1:49:54 AM
#9:


beyond blue sounds disgusting. acting like they care with those commercials.

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RedJackson
07/24/21 1:50:08 AM
#10:


MrMallard posted...
That's one reason why I couldn't take this to another platform - I can't let this leak out into her life, because she's dealing with enough at the moment.

I'm sorry for dropping this thread on an unsuspecting CE, but as you can see I don't have a lot of other options. If you've read this entire clusterfuck, thank you, and rest assured that if push comes to shove I'm aware of healthcare options I can take to protect myself, and I'm explicitly stating that I am not at risk of self-harm or suicide. There's a lot going on, but if you should take anything away from this, it's that I'm cognizant enough that I'm not going to engage in either practice.

I didn't even get to my recent self-medicalisation with alcohol, which deserves its own novela-length post. I might get to it later on.

Its all good and fwiw I think what youre feeling is at least very rational

If you cant take care of yourself right now thats one thing, but trying to help out someone else can be a problem sometimes with that going on.. If you want to talk to her and it distracts you for a bit though, why not? Its okay >_>

People can grieve together and thats not a problem at all if you want to focus on that if it helps you stay grounded to the Earth.

okay can mean different things, I know you waited on that appointment and if it helped to count the days.. well, count the days again itll feel weird or awkward, almost like youre just blowing off how you feel but thats not really true

its just how you really feel, I guess you can just forget about it and just ride the days out

do you have anyone to talk to irl?


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Payzmaykr
07/24/21 1:54:15 AM
#11:


Sorry youre going through this, man. I sometimes feel like Ive exhausted my options of who to talk to, also. It really sucks when this place is the only place you can go.

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So long,
Thanks for all the fish!
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limp-bizkit-89
07/24/21 1:54:42 AM
#12:


I am so sorry, TC. I wish you the best. I wish I had something more valuable to say, sorry.

does venting here help? If so, I guess you could vent here if it makes you feel better, just be careful not to post anything that may cause the mods to lock your account.

I wish you the best man

---
Keep Rollin Rollin Rollin (yeah!)
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Biscotti
07/24/21 2:00:09 AM
#13:


AA does sessions via Zoom these days, due to covid.

the only requirement to attend is the desire to stop drinking.

all the best of luck.

---
'He's Back. He posted in the minge thread'.
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Guerrilla Soldier
07/24/21 2:21:02 AM
#14:


it does sound really difficult. i think the doctor cancelling out last minute, even if it was for legit health purposes, is still a bit of a slap in the face... shouldn't mental health doctors be aware of how this can affect people, and have some kind of backup plan for it? maybe that's expecting too much from a doctor

wish you the best of luck though, for sure. i think venting any place, even this place, if you need to, is a good thing to do. sometimes it's really difficult to find people to talk to. but don't lose hope, there are always tons of people out there willing to listen, just be nice and you'll find them scattered out there in the world.

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Disclaimer: There's a good chance the above post could be sarcasm.
Die-hard Oakland A's fan --- Keep the A's in Oakland!
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MrMallard
07/24/21 3:40:40 AM
#15:


I went up to the hospital. The nurse who signed me in had a bit of a tone, and the nurse who saw me called a helpline because that's the extent to which she could help.

I started the call with concerns over my drinking, and that colored the whole conversation. Even when I explained that the drinking, while extremely problematic on its own and worthy of consideration, is folding into a much larger issue regarding my mental health. That I'm self-medicating, which is bad on its own, but which I'm doing in lieu of proper mental healthcare. I rattled off all the different ways I've been seeking help, I established that my mental health is deteriorating and I can't find help, and I'm concerned about my drinking in the face of a much larger crisis.

But the entire conversation was about drug and alcohol treatment. I guess that's my fault for leading with that. And that's the thing about the help I've been seeking: they can't help in any significant way, they're only going to be in contact with you for 30 minutes or less, so when they identify what they interpret as the main issue and filter the bulk of their care through that lens, it's going to be extremely hamfisted and weighted towards that one aspect of a larger problem. And that isn't helpful. It's a similar feeling of dismissal as when someone tells you to put on a happy face.

Alcohol and drug abuse is a significant problem that exacerbates mental health issues, and I understand why a healthcare professional would hear that and see the entire problem as a matter of drug and alcohol counselling. And it is a big problem that I want to tackle alongside my deteriorating mental health, and it is making things worse. By no means am I trying to downplay the negative effect of alcohol on this whole mess. But it is a factor in a much larger mess that I'm having trouble navigating. It is not the sole lens through which I should be treated.

This hospital trip was a total waste of time, but it's all I've got until Monday. That, or I could call as many hotlines as I can to vent about my issues. But I feel like it's going to run into the same problem where there's one problem that they feel the best equipped to handle, and the other components - whether they're more or less important than the one they picked - get neglected.

And I don't blame them necessarily. I understand that there's a significant limitation via the medium, there's a time constraint for services like Beyond Blue, and ultimately they're only ever going to be in your life for the duration of that call and there's only so much they can do.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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Winrawr
07/24/21 3:58:49 AM
#16:


MrMallard posted...
I went up to the hospital. The nurse who signed me in had a bit of a tone, and the nurse who saw me called a helpline because that's the extent to which she could help.

I started the call with concerns over my drinking, and that colored the whole conversation. Even when I explained that the drinking, while extremely problematic on its own and worthy of consideration, is folding into a much larger issue regarding my mental health. That I'm self-medicating, which is bad on its own, but which I'm doing in lieu of proper mental healthcare. I rattled off all the different ways I've been seeking help, I established that my mental health is deteriorating and I can't find help, and I'm concerned about my drinking in the face of a much larger crisis.

But the entire conversation was about drug and alcohol treatment. I guess that's my fault for leading with that. And that's the thing about the help I've been seeking: they can't help in any significant way, they're only going to be in contact with you for 30 minutes or less, so when they identify what they interpret as the main issue and filter the bulk of their care through that lens, it's going to be extremely hamfisted and weighted towards that one aspect of a larger problem. And that isn't helpful. It's a similar feeling of dismissal as when someone tells you to put on a happy face.

Alcohol and drug abuse is a significant problem that exacerbates mental health issues, and I understand why a healthcare professional would hear that and see the entire problem as a matter of drug and alcohol counselling. And it is a big problem that I want to tackle alongside my deteriorating mental health, and it is making things worse. By no means am I trying to downplay the negative effect of alcohol on this whole mess. But it is a factor in a much larger mess that I'm having trouble navigating. It is not the sole lens through which I should be treated.

This hospital trip was a total waste of time, but it's all I've got until Monday. That, or I could call as many hotlines as I can to vent about my issues. But I feel like it's going to run into the same problem where there's one problem that they feel the best equipped to handle, and the other components - whether they're more or less important than the one they picked - get neglected.

And I don't blame them necessarily. I understand that there's a significant limitation via the medium, there's a time constraint for services like Beyond Blue, and ultimately they're only ever going to be in your life for the duration of that call and there's only so much they can do.
Your hospital trip wasn't a waste of time. I am regularly deal with nurses who don't respect mental health issues especially alcoholism. It may be prudent to not lead with it even thigh you shouldn't have to hide it.

The level of suffering you've described is very concerning and warrants medical attention. Keep trying if you have health insurance. You have to advocate for yourself especially when dealing with shitty nurses
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Winrawr
07/24/21 4:00:47 AM
#17:


Not to sound cheesey but you should be proud you took an active effort to help yourself tonight.
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MrMallard
07/24/21 4:08:45 AM
#18:


Winrawr posted...
Your hospital trip wasn't a waste of time. I am regularly deal with nurses who don't respect mental health issues especially alcoholism. It may be prudent to not lead with it even thigh you shouldn't have to hide it.

The level of suffering you've described is very concerning and warrants medical attention. Keep trying if you have health insurance. You have to advocate for yourself especially when dealing with shitty nurses
The staff here isn't great, but hospitals and healthcare facilities are chronically understaffed and overworked. It didn't help, but I get it. They've got a lot going on.

The nurse I got has been really good. It feels like she's hearing what I'm saying and trying to help me. And even the one with the tone ended up being decent - she remembered me from a while ago and she didn't know why I hadn't been in touch with the mental health team here at the hospital. She said that they called, but I don't remember if they did or not.

And thank you for saying that I should be proud. All I'm trying to do is get treatment I know I need.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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Master Kazuya
07/24/21 4:10:09 AM
#19:


Yeah man mental health services (in this country at least) are whack. It's either too much money, too much wait, and I totally know the feeling of being tracked as some sorta statistic instead of someone listening to you. I'm glad you feel like you can really be yourself here. Despite the internet facade some people try to put up and projection people do, there are other humans on the other side of these usernames so you don't have to feel like you're "dumping" stuff or feel bad that this is your support. We're all here after like 10 years on a dead site talking about titties so there's something similar about all of us anyway right?

In moments when I'm feeling really distressed, sometimes empathizing with myself helps me at least buy time. Almost like two voices in my head. One that is incredibly distraught and the other that simply listens and acknowledges that, wow I'm sorry that does sound rough, I hope you'll be okay.

Is there anything you are actively putting off doing that you need to do, like looking for a job, paying some debt, moving, etc? If I feel control of myself slipping, I try to set at least one goal for myself. Not even anything major. Literally one time one of my goals was "instead of getting shitfaced tonight, I'll just have 4 drinks. I can get shitfaced tomorrow night and the night after if I want, but tonight is only 4". Sometimes just a little act of reclaiming control over some aspect of your life can help you feel like you are capable of taking care of yourself.

All this being said, I'm also not in a great spot in my life right now either. But in some ways, it's showing me who I really am and what's important. I hope things work out for you. Take a break in whatever way you need if you need it. You're in the trenches now but someday you'll hopefully look back and become wiser from the pain you're feeling now. Good luck bro

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itt my post is the best
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teep_
07/24/21 4:29:41 AM
#20:


I'm sorry you're going through this, man, and I wish you all the best

Don't ever feel you've exhausted your goodwill to vent about the things that are affecting you. There are absolutely people out there who care and are willing to lend an ear, myself included
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post
Edit: copy my sig
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Froakie
07/24/21 4:34:03 AM
#21:


MrMallard posted...
I'm worried that I'm going to implode, and it's going to harm her just as much if not more.
Thats all drinking will do.. I admit I drink all the time so its not on me to tell you not too, but as a fellow alcoholic, you need to stop.

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dj1200
07/24/21 5:11:22 AM
#22:


Tag

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"It was so ridiculous and I have so many feelings about it."
-Virtual Energies
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Eramir
07/24/21 5:18:28 AM
#23:


You need a professional, I seriously doubt anyone on CE is qualified to help you. It would even better to search YouTube on someone who recovered from rock bottom. I like David Goggins story.
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masticatingman
07/24/21 5:24:35 AM
#24:


If youre having mental health issues, drinking alcohol is about the last thing you should be doing.

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To/fro from-towards
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ShyOx
07/24/21 5:27:33 AM
#25:


As an alchoholic who has not 'recovered', if you ever want to chill out and game or something drop me a line. I'm on Steam, Blizzard and many more. I got my issues but if you wanna chill and shoot the shit on some Age of Empires or something I'm down.

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trappedunderice
07/24/21 5:28:59 AM
#26:


We got your back man

---
You cannot slay gods. Gods are immortal. Do you question what you are told?
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MrMallard
07/24/21 5:39:08 AM
#27:


RedJackson posted...
Its all good and fwiw I think what youre feeling is at least very rational

If you cant take care of yourself right now thats one thing, but trying to help out someone else can be a problem sometimes with that going on.. If you want to talk to her and it distracts you for a bit though, why not? Its okay >_>

People can grieve together and thats not a problem at all if you want to focus on that if it helps you stay grounded to the Earth.

okay can mean different things, I know you waited on that appointment and if it helped to count the days.. well, count the days again itll feel weird or awkward, almost like youre just blowing off how you feel but thats not really true

its just how you really feel, I guess you can just forget about it and just ride the days out

do you have anyone to talk to irl?
Counting might work again, but I don't think it'll be as effective. I counted down the days, and nothing happened. I was disappointed. The "magic" of it, for lack of a better term, is gone. A more dramatic way of phrasing it might be that my hope is shattered.

A big aspect of my troubles is that I've isolated myself from the friends I felt the most comfortable being around, and the few friends I do have are like drinking buddies. I don't think I can turn to them, at least not yet. Family and friends are out of the picture, and I've been relying heavily on platforms like GameFAQs where I have friends and acquaintances to help bear the burden when it gets to be a bit much.

ModLogic posted...
beyond blue sounds disgusting. acting like they care with those commercials.
They offer an important service, I just felt a bit jaded by the end of it. It had the same problems as the rest of my search.

I do believe that helplines can help, and I actually got some solid advice in the end despite it not being the standard of care that I needed. This second helpline I spoke to at the hospital was much worse. It's more of a preference thing to my understanding - there's known discourse about whether helplines actually help people, and it does meet a standard of care for certain people and helps them with their issues.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
Now Playing: Persona 5 Strikers, Oxenfree, Oldschool Runescape
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MrMallard
07/24/21 6:06:49 AM
#28:


Payzmaykr posted...
Sorry youre going through this, man. I sometimes feel like Ive exhausted my options of who to talk to, also. It really sucks when this place is the only place you can go.
At least there's some anonymity and looseness to posting on a forum under an alias. If I post stuff like this on Discord or social media, people are basically forced to see it in the course of their engagement with the platform. On GameFAQs, you can skip over it if you don't feel like interacting with it or don't care.

I feel a lot more free posting here too, like I'm not going to alienate myself. There's absolutely an element of risk, with known doxxers who still actively post on the board, but there's still that looseness that makes CE a good place to post.

Guerrilla Soldier posted...
it does sound really difficult. i think the doctor cancelling out last minute, even if it was for legit health purposes, is still a bit of a slap in the face... shouldn't mental health doctors be aware of how this can affect people, and have some kind of backup plan for it? maybe that's expecting too much from a doctor
The reason the sessions took a month is because she was going on holiday in July. I contacted my GP at a point in time where there was enough hope that I'd be able to pursue face-to-face counselling, but where she was not going to take on a new client until she got back.

And my mindset is that if she got health news that was so bad she decided to stop practicing medicine for the next 5 months, it must be really fucking bad. I was on the phone to her in late June, and she told me she'd be back to work on the 21st and I'd see her on the 23rd.

I'd be upset with the practice for not letting me know if she called up on the 21st and told them that she wasn't coming back. I got a (presumably automated) text on the 22nd asking me to confirm my appointment, even.

Now, my actual GP - I don't know what to make of her. My last doctor was great, but he left town in December to see his family and he didn't come back. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them, but I don't know if this doctor suits me, y'know. We don't gel well, and I feel like I'm on eggshells around her, which is a feeling I get around a lot of people. I shouldn't feel that way about my doctor.

Master Kazuya posted...
Is there anything you are actively putting off doing that you need to do, like looking for a job, paying some debt, moving, etc?
To be frank, I've been losing more and more control over my life in years. I've been thinking of moving lately, but despite the benefits - one of which being that I'll be forced to quit drinking cold turkey to maintain the budget necessary to rent my own place - it's such a massive effort that I've resigned myself to staying here for the time being.

And that feeling permeates more or less everything in my life. The inciting incident that triggered this three month meltdown has basically just fast-tracked it - it's like the past 8 years on this road to hell has been going at supermarket car park speed, and the past three months are analogous to the speed and frantic energy of drunk-driving directly into a tree.

I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate the advice. Doing something productive feels good. Accomplishing something and taking back some measure of control when you're in a tailspin can help a ton. At the moment though, I don't think that's in the cards for me. That's one reason why I'm looking for counselling - an exercise like this isn't enough.

teep_ posted...
I'm sorry you're going through this, man, and I wish you all the best

Don't ever feel you've exhausted your goodwill to vent about the things that are affecting you. There are absolutely people out there who care and are willing to lend an ear, myself included
Thanks teep. You're a good friend. I try not to put this stuff directly on anyone's shoulders, though I appreciate that you care enough to offer that.

And a general thank you to everyone for their well-wishes. Thank you for caring.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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clyde_frog
07/24/21 6:24:41 AM
#29:


Minus the alcohol part, this topic reminds me of what I was going through late last year up until March. I fell into this deep depression where I would do nothing, not fall asleep until 8am, and eat fast food and delivery pizza nearly every day.

It sucks when you fall into a rut and Im sorry youre dealing with this TC. My suggestion would be to make a few changes in your life. Drastic changes could have a positive effect immediately. Try switching up your diet. On your next grocery trip, look for only healthy food options. Replace alcohol with water and low sugar juice. Start going for walks around your neighborhood and listen to music to take your mind off things. Try joining a gym, youll feel amazing and gain a boost of confidence after a steady week of training. I know this sounds like alot and you dont have to try all of this, its just an idea.

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Kobe Bryant
07/24/21 6:31:41 AM
#30:


Same bro haha

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MrMallard
07/24/21 6:35:58 AM
#31:


Froakie posted...
Thats all drinking will do.. I admit I drink all the time so its not on me to tell you not too, but as a fellow alcoholic, you need to stop.
For sure, I'm going to make a serious effort to stop when I get some counselling.

I was actually sober for three and a half months at the start of the year because I did myself a mischief last year. At the time I thought it was my liver - and I was doing damage to my liver, got tested for liver enzymes in my blood and the results came back pretty bad. But I think it's more to do with caffeinated/sugary alcoholic beverages, like premixed bourbon and cola which was my quarantine go-to. I only resumed drinking because I didn't have the means to process my mental issues while sober, and the options afforded to me were endure what I felt to be an unendurable burden, lash out - which I didn't want to do - or drink. And I knew it was a stopgap measure at best until I fixed whatever was wrong with me, but I didn't have the support I needed at the time and it kept me safe during some of the most advanced depression I've ever felt in my life.

That's not to try and justify drinking or alcohol as "good". Alcohol was a port in a storm, I re-engaged with it knowing the risks, and frankly I'm right back where I started which is a bad thing. I took care to try and not relapse, as one thing I read about relapsing is that it's moreso about falling back into old habits rather than tainting your life with a single sip of alcohol. You don't throw away or destroy the progress you made by imbibing, but you do relapse when you begin abusing it again. And despite the care I took to prevent myself from relapsing, I have relapsed. But that's the reason why.

Seriously, between the feelings that led me back to alcohol and the past three months, this has probably been the worst I've ever felt. I've had some shit years, and 2021 might go down as the worst year of my life.

My fear regarding this friend is that I'm going to be like "oh my god I'm so sorry, please be okay" and it's going to be shitty. She said something to the effect of "I'm not going to be okay ever again, and if anyone says that I will be, I'll fucking kill them". I can't do that to her.

And just a general statement to whoever's reading this - her husband had just died. If reading that rubbed you the wrong way, please keep it to yourself. Don't judge my friend based on that statement alone.

Just... I can't let her down. I can't make her life worse. And I'm worried that one of these days I'm going to say the wrong thing and it's going to hurt her.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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MrMallard
07/24/21 6:57:36 AM
#32:


Eramir posted...
You need a professional, I seriously doubt anyone on CE is qualified to help you. It would even better to search YouTube on someone who recovered from rock bottom. I like David Goggins story.
For sure. For what it's worth, I feel bad spreading my weight like this. I'm just venting to cope, because it feels like I don't have any other options.

I'm sorry to put any pressure on you or anyone else, I understand that what I'm saying is extremely heavy and it's a taxing burden to place on someone. But I just need somewhere to vent.

masticatingman posted...
If youre having mental health issues, drinking alcohol is about the last thing you should be doing.
I agree, self-medicating is bad. I'm conscious of the fact that alcohol makes my depression worse, and that I'm essentially burning myself out like a candle by using alcohol the way I'm using it.

The reason I'm using alcohol is because the process I'm undertaking to get the healthier alternative, the thing that will actually help me, is taxing beyond the point that I can cope with it by itself. I've been told to do mindfulness exercises and they help, but I am being stretched to my breaking point and my sober self can't handle the pressure. I just can't.

Like, I'm pretty sure I've cried more these past 3 months than I have in the past 15 years. I broke my sobriety earlier this year because I hit emotional depths I didn't know I had. And at no point do I want to justify the degree to which I'm drinking, because it's awful - when I took my first drink after three and a half months, the first thought I had was that alcohol is a road that will lead to my own death if I let it. I am fully aware of the severity of my actions.

clyde_frog posted...
Minus the alcohol part, this topic reminds me of what I was going through late last year up until March. I fell into this deep depression where I would do nothing, not fall asleep until 8am, and eat fast food and delivery pizza nearly every day.
Last year was a rough time for sure. It wasn't even COVID for me, though it was absolutely a factor - it was the Australian bushfires. I would check the fire map every day to make sure my dad had an opportunity to escape if they got too close to where he lives.

It was actually the trauma of last year that set off the events that have led to all of this. Like there's a direct link. I don't want to talk about it, but there is a direct link.

Thank you for the suggestions. I'm at a point where everything feels shitty and insurmountable, but it means a lot that you're trying to help me out.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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UnfairRepresent
07/24/21 8:03:37 AM
#33:


I'm sorry to hear that TC

It might not sound like much right now but always remember that there are people out there on your side.

If you ever want to talk to someone, you can always talk to me.

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^ Hey now that's completely unfair!
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RedJackson
07/24/21 9:30:59 AM
#34:


MrMallard posted...
Alcohol and drug abuse is a significant problem that exacerbates mental health issues, and I understand why a healthcare professional would hear that and see the entire problem as a matter of drug and alcohol counselling. And it is a big problem that I want to tackle alongside my deteriorating mental health, and it is making things worse. By no means am I trying to downplay the negative effect of alcohol on this whole mess. But it is a factor in a much larger mess that I'm having trouble navigating. It is not the sole lens through which I should be treated.

Yeah, but its handy being honest and honestly? It just makes things worse. Some problems can be solved bottom up but when you have mental health issues sometimes top down is even more of an effective solution.

Smoking weed is one thing (and even then that can fuck with you) but alchohol is just a no-go tbh


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Kakapo
07/24/21 10:07:35 AM
#35:


Its absolutely shameful that there is very little support for mental health.

Ive had massive problems with depression and anxiety and self medication with alcohol in the past. Its good you are trying to get medical help, its definitely a positive thing, and half the battle (as trite as that sounds). I dont know what its like, but I vaguely remember ads on reddit for online therapy. Im not sure if thats a possibility or viable for you, if access to therapy is difficult at the moment.

If you dont trust your GP and you dont feel like theyre in your corner, definitely get a different one. Theyre supposed to be your go-to for referrals and managing your health, physical and mental.

Dont feel bad about venting. Vent away if it helps a bit. Youd have to be one of the best posters on this board, I dont think Ive ever seen you respond to a topic with a low-effort comment. Your opinions are always extremely and insightful and well-considered. Youre more than entitled to vent. Youre good people.

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limp-bizkit-89
07/24/21 11:12:36 AM
#36:


@MrMallard
have you been trying to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

if the former, have you looked for the latter? Or vice versa

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pikachupwnage
07/24/21 11:22:19 AM
#37:


Guide posted...
I feel like, even if you're not there yet, you're significantly close enough that it wouldn't be a bad idea to call the suicide hotline. They might be able to fast track you some help, and if nothing else, they're trained to handle venting.

I'm sorry that this board's kinda useless as help.

There isn't much I can add to this TC. Just that I care enough to have read your whole post. Someone is listening. Even if there is nothing I can do to help I will at least listen.

Sometimes just airing these things out even in a seemingly meaningless way can mean a lot.


---
My Mario Maker 2 Maker ID is J2K-RFD-K4G Even In sigs FOE!
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MrMallard
07/24/21 11:43:25 AM
#38:


limp-bizkit-89 posted...
@MrMallard
have you been trying to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

if the former, have you looked for the latter? Or vice versa
I was seeing a psychiatrist, but I was having trouble keeping up with the paperwork. It wasn't much paperwork, but I needed to fill it incrementally over the course of a month and there would be times where my mood would dip and I just couldn't do it. If you skip out on an entry even once, it invalidates the whole sheet and interrupts the data, so there were a lot of false starts.

Psychiatry is a necessary step in the path to recovery, but it wasn't a level of care that I was equipped for yet. I realised that I needed to take a step back and start from the start - counselling, then psychiatry, then psychology.

There's a tense vibe that happens when what I'm looking for doesn't match up with what the mental healthcare professional is going for. It happened once before, where to try and get me on her track, a counsellor told me that she didn't think she could help me. I was feeling pretty vulnerable at the time and the thought of being given up on made me cry - only for her to go "the fact that you had that reaction means that there's progress you can make", which led to me closing myself off to her.

I could feel that same tension coming from my psychiatrist. And I understand, because if I don't do the paperwork like she asks, I'm fucking around and wasting her time. So to get to a point where I'm not fucking around and wasting her time, I need to downgrade and stay the full course.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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limp-bizkit-89
07/24/21 11:48:45 AM
#39:


MrMallard posted...
I was seeing a psychiatrist, but I was having trouble keeping up with the paperwork. It wasn't much paperwork, but I needed to fill it incrementally over the course of a month and there would be times where my mood would dip and I just couldn't do it. If you skip out on an entry even once, it invalidates the whole sheet and interrupts the data, so there were a lot of false starts.

Psychiatry is a necessary step in the path to recovery, but it wasn't a level of care that I was equipped for yet. I realised that I needed to take a step back and start from the start - counselling, then psychiatry, then psychology.

There's a tense vibe that happens when what I'm looking for doesn't match up with what the mental healthcare professional is going for. It happened once before, where to try and get me on her track, a counsellor told me that she didn't think she could help me. I was feeling pretty vulnerable at the time and the thought of being given up on made me cry - only for her to go "the fact that you had that reaction means that there's progress you can make", which led to me closing myself off to her.

I could feel that same tension coming from my psychiatrist. And I understand, because if I don't do the paperwork like she asks, I'm fucking around and wasting her time. So to get to a point where I'm not fucking around and wasting her time, I need to downgrade and stay the full course.

wow. I had no idea psychiatrists worked like that.

I also thought the progression was psychologist, then psychiatrist.

this was very illustrating


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MrMallard
07/24/21 11:54:31 AM
#40:


limp-bizkit-89 posted...
wow. I had no idea psychiatrists worked like that.

I also thought the progression was psychologist, then psychiatrist.

this was very illustrating
I mean, that's just the course of action mine took. I couldn't say one way or the other if that's a standard experience.

And full disclosure, I could be wrong on the order. The twin P terms are hard for me to keep straight. I dunno.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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Marauder64
07/24/21 12:31:54 PM
#41:


Alcohol...... can turn you into a person you don't want to be. People can tell you this, but it's up to the person to quit really. It's understandable though, with bad circumstances comes the need for coping mechanisms. Don't give up the fight!

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What our enemies have begun, we will finish
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Guide
07/24/21 7:46:26 PM
#42:


You still hanging in there fam?

---
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MrMallard
07/25/21 2:26:58 AM
#43:


This thread's long enough, and I've talked about myself a metric fuckton since I started it, so from this point on I'll let it purge.

Guide posted...
You still hanging in there fam?
Yeah. I woke up feeling pretty depressed, like moreso than the past few days where I've gotten drunk and had that worsening hangover depression. Today was just like... legs don't work, go back to sleep. Nothing short of an immediate threat to my life was gonna get me out of bed today.

But now that I am awake and alert, I feel okay. Venting helped yesterday. Gotta make a doctor's appointment tomorrow to go on another waiting list.

It's like I said in the OP, I'm only okay because I have to be - but saying that, I am capable of pulling myself together for long enough to be reasonably functional when I need to. If you're hearing from me on CE, then for the most part I'm probably fine. If there's no meltdown thread like this I'm probably okay.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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limp-bizkit-89
07/25/21 11:07:50 AM
#44:


Why did you get depressed, TC?

I am fully aware sometimes there is a cause and sometimes it simply happens

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Beyond01
07/25/21 11:27:48 AM
#45:


Not to sound like a lazy jerk, but can someone tl;dr the original post?

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Here we go
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Sariana21
07/25/21 11:50:21 AM
#46:


This thread's long enough, and I've talked about myself a metric f***ton since I started it, so from this point on I'll let it purge.
We actually would appreciate periodic check-ins from you. Let us know (here on this thread) is that youre still pushing through.

---
___
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limp-bizkit-89
07/25/21 12:48:11 PM
#47:


Sariana21 posted...
We actually would appreciate periodic check-ins from you. Let us know (here on this thread) is that youre still pushing through.



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MrMallard
07/25/21 1:55:05 PM
#48:


I'll check in as the situation progresses, though if this topic purges I'll make a new one. I made this topic when I was severely hungover and it was hard to string a coherent paragraph together - it's a lot of baggage to carry around, so I'm not that fussed if it gets purged. The next one will get off on the right foot.

I won't be a stranger either way - the support I've gotten over the course of this thread means a lot, and I promise I'll follow up as the situation progresses.

---
But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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limp-bizkit-89
07/25/21 3:38:49 PM
#49:


MrMallard posted...
I'll check in as the situation progresses, though if this topic purges I'll make a new one. I made this topic when I was severely hungover and it was hard to string a coherent paragraph together - it's a lot of baggage to carry around, so I'm not that fussed if it gets purged. The next one will get off on the right foot.

I won't be a stranger either way - the support I've gotten over the course of this thread means a lot, and I promise I'll follow up as the situation progresses.

this is supposed to be a hug emoji:


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