LogFAQs > #956406262

I hate making topics like these because there's an inherent attention-seeking quality to them, and I don't want to be defined as an attention seeker. But sometimes, this is the only platform I can come to with stuff like this - usually after I feel like I've worn out my welcome elsewhere.

This might get rambly, I'm really hungover and I'm going through a lot. I'll try to be as direct as possible.

My life has been falling apart for the past three months. It seems like it's getting worse every day, and I know that there's a rock bottom coming, and I don't know when I'm going to hit it or what it's going to be.

The way I would phrase it is like this:

I don't think I'm going to be okay, but I don't know what "not okay" is going to entail.

I'm barely functioning as it is, but the only reason I'm mentally holding it together to the degree that I am is because I have to. I'm only "okay" because there's nowhere for me to not be okay. I don't cry, I don't lash out, I don't express how I really feel anywhere because I don't feel comfortable or safe enough anywhere.

There is only so much of that I can take before the other shoe drops. And it's fucking terrifying to feel it coming, to have it hanging over me every waking hour, and have no idea about what it's going to look like until it happens.

And it's not like I'm just letting this happen. I have actively sought out mental healthcare services through every means at my disposal.

I organised some counselling sessions with my doctor, and I was meant to start them yesterday. I waited a month for these sessions, and there were days where I felt like the other shoe was gonna drop before I got to see a mental health professional. I was counting down the days until my first counselling session. I was counting down the fucking days.

I got a call at 10am on the day of my first session, saying that the counsellor had a health scare and had stopped practicing for the year.

And it's like I understand that there is a significant reason behind this occurrence, the person I was meant to see is not okay, nothing about this is about me. I have not been wronged.

But despite that, I needed these sessions. I need them. I have been waiting a MONTH, after two hellish months where I alienated all of my friends and lapsed back into heavy alcoholism, to which I'm convinced that time is of the essence to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with me before I destroy every significant relationship in my life. That month got so bad for me that I had my first anxiety attack ever, in my life. That month has been so bad that I had to console myself by COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS. And they CANCELLED on me, the DAY I had been counting down to. An entire month of my life, WASTED.

During that month, I saw my doctor to discuss interim treatment. I didn't want to axe the sessions, but I needed help as soon as possible. I needed something to get me over the edge. She told me that any mental health professional willing to see me is likely to have a month-long waiting list, so there's nothing she could do.

What that means is that when I see her again to schedule another counsellor, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.

I barely made it the first time. Barely. Through eating like a garbage disposal and drinking like a fish, through days of lying in bed and hitting the bar, I managed to get to Friday, the 23rd of July, without the other shoe dropping.

So what the fuck am I going to do now?

I feel like I burned up all the goodwill in my life this past month. I've been stretching it for three months, and I've pushed it to its limit in the way I've been living this past month.

How am I going to wait another month for mental health resources I desperately needed more than a month ago?

I've gotten counselling through another organisation before, so I've asked them multiple times to look into organising some more sessions. The first guy I spoke to wasn't sure how to proceed on that front. The second guy, who I saw yesterday in the wake of my cancellation, couldn't find any video sessions which is what I need. So I'm SOL on that front.

I went to the hospital last Sunday to ask about a mental ward my sister went to a couple years ago. The nurse called them up after I explained what was on my mind, and both her assessment and theirs were that I was not in need of their services. They gave me their phone number just in case, and I have a couple helplines to turn to if things go sour.

I mean hell, I did call a helpline at one point. It's an Australian organisation called Beyond Blue. And it helped in the moment, but the lady kept stopping me to ask my age, gender, location and other details that I think were for cataloguing my demographic moreso than helping me. At the end, she gave me some important advice, but the crux of it all is that she could only stay on the line for thirty minutes before she had to hang up, and she gave me more helplines in case I needed further support.

It's helplines, helplines, helplines, all the way down. We can't help you, but here's a helpline in case you need further support. Even the helplines give you helpline numbers.

So I've exhausted all of my options. It's out of my hands. I've seen my doctor. I've been to the hospital. I've gone to an organisation within my reach. I've called a helpline. And nothing has come of it. I haven't gotten the help I need. All I need to do is wait another month for the chance of seeing a mental health professional, go to the hospital if this progresses, and call a fucking helpline for immediate support if I need it.

I don't know what "not okay" is going to look like. I'm already not okay - I need to say it. I'm not okay. I'm the least okay I've ever been. And I'm not going to be okay.

I'm not going to be okay. Don't read too deep into that, but I'm not going to be okay. I'm trying to get the help I need to be okay, but I'm not and I'm not going to be okay.

And again - I'm holding myself together, I'm cognizant, and I'm aware of the safeguards I can employ if this progresses further. I understand that saying "I'm not going to be okay", especially in the way I just said it, can imply a lot of dark stuff.

I want to make a point of saying, for the sake of any users who are worried about me or any moderators who may take that as a threat of self-harm, that I'm not talking about suicide. I'm not in a place where I'm considering killing myself. So please don't take "I'm not going to be okay" as me threatening self-harm or suicide, because I'm not. I'm just venting about my mental health, which I have a record of doing.

It's like I said before - I don't know what "not okay" looks like. I know it's coming if I don't get immediate help - which I'm looking for - but I don't know what it looks like or what it's going to manifest as. But I want to make it clear that I'm not talking about suicide or self-harm, either implicitly or explicitly.

To cap off this shitshow of a post, I need to vent about one more thing.

An online friend of mine got married about a month ago. Two weeks later, her husband died.

I'm worried about her, and there was a period during my own downward spiral where I removed myself from the equation and focused on her. Her wellbeing, her survival, became my focus. If she's not okay, I'm not okay.

But that's selfish. That's not respectful of her or her grief at all. And I'm so worried that I'm going to drive her away or make things worse during one of the worst times of her life.

The fact that I've tied my own issues into the death of her husband is beyond fucked up to me. I just want her to be okay, but I used it as an excuse to remove myself from my own problems.

I'm worried that I'm going to implode, and it's going to harm her just as much if not more.

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But I don't have to make this mistake, and I don't have to stay this way.
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