Well, I just got the hammer dropped on me, guys. I think this is leading towards us breaking up.
Despite my best efforts to pledge myself to the idea of going there, trying it out, and being excited about it potentially working out and it turning into a permanent thing, it's not enough. I feel like every day I've given a little more of myself in at attempt to make things work, only for her to come back a few hours later and tell me, "I should be happy but I'm not".
Today we woke up and she told me she didn't think she could wait any longer. Initially we agreed and she was very happy with the idea of going in January to give me a little more time with my family and to save some more money. So I said that, because I'm genuinely excited to do this now, I'd be willing to go earlier. Still not enough.
So then she just said it and explained that she's confused. She doesn't know if she wants it to be us together, or if she wants it to be her alone there, and it's currently split right down the middle. I told her she should probably break up with me, and she continued to explain that she doesn't want that and wants to be with me. I turned into a human question mark and pointed to the sentence right before that and explained that I don't see how both of those thoughts can co-exist. Again, any time I explain the situation in plain terms and tell her that if she doesn't know she should probably just break up with me, she explains that she doesn't want that. I don't know what to do. It would absolutely be easier for me to just break up with her, but that gives me the same "What if?" of whether it could have worked out or not.
This was all this morning, where the first thing she told me was, "Maybe I should get some help and talk to someone."
I should also go into detail for the sake of context of new information for everyone here. I'm positive I mentioned in one of my posts that I'm the only reason that she comes back, and otherwise she would just stay there forever. This is important because I think it makes what she said next less hurtful, and more understandable, maybe? Or it's bad and I'm in shock and I'm trying to spin it positively. Anyway, she explained that there were moments on her latest trip where she kind of wished she didn't have to worry or think about me so that she could just stay there. I asked for clarification, she tells me that it's not a, "I wished I was single so I could go out and go crazy", but rather, "I just really wanted to be there and obviously it would be an easier decision if I didn't have you".
Either way, kind of shitty, right? I feel like this is the point in the post where everyone instantly replies with, "You need to let her go, dude". We tried to rationalize this with the idea that it's understandable because it wasn't necessarily her wanting to be single, but rather her wanting to do what it takes to be there long term. I also said that this was obviously something that occurred before we talked about me going, so she never could have even imagined being together there when those thoughts first came up.
She agreed that could be the case, but even then, we are still currently at the stale mate of her not knowing what she wants, and that kind of fucking hurts considering I've already mentally prepared myself and became happy and excited about the possibility of our future together.
My last 72 hours have gone from me thinking life was great, to me being distraught with what I had heard, to me accepting and then getting excited about the future, to now me thinking that it's all over. I'm not feeling the greatest, to say the least.
You either respond today with I love you and will go with you today if you want if that's what you want. Or you break up. It's that simple at this point. ---
Xbox Live User Name - Corrik Currently playing: Division 2