Board 8 > I need to vent about a relationship issue and cant talk to others [Blogfaqs]

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I don't think I've ever gone in-depth about my personal life on here, and I try to keep it light-hearted as much as possible, but I kind of need to talk at someone, or at least know that someone is listening even if no one responds.

To set the scene: I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 years now. Definitely a high school sweetheart scenario, and we're both 25 now. We're both of Portuguese descent, but the difference is she identifies more with her Portuguese roots and 90% of her immediate family lives back in Portugal. This is important.

Almost every year she has gone back to visit her family for anywhere from two weeks to a month, and that's cool. She's very close to them. Sometimes she goes alone, sometimes with her family, I've even gone twice and had a pretty good time, I barely speak the language but it's been good. When I'm not there we're in communication, there's no trust/jealousy issues, we never argue, it's all very "too good to be true" seeming.

So here's the issue. Last year around this time after coming back she broke down and told me that she is the most happy there and her dream would be for the both of us to move there. She's always a little upset when she gets back, she's incredibly attached to her family (in a way that honestly might be unhealthy), so I consoled her and tabled the discussion. A few months later we had a serious talk and she understood that she wasn't realistic and we agreed that she'd go for a long period of time this year before settling down and starting our lives as we both just finished school. Everything seemed great. She went for 40 days, minimal issues, and just got back.

Obviously she's in the very upset stage of her return, but she essentially said that going for longer only made it worse and now she's certain that the only thing that would truly make her happy is if at the very least we tried the living there thing, to see how we both felt about it.

I was honest with her. I said I'd be excited to try to live there awhile, because I am, and because there are no teaching jobs here it wouldnt be the worst move to teach English abroad, but I also told her the truth, and that is that I don't think I could ever live there forever. I'm willing to compromise because I obviously love her and do want her to see her family as often as possible, but essentially drew the line at living there.

Obviously she knows I'm being reasonable and already doing more than most would, and she appreciates that, but she doesn't know if that'll be "enough". Where I am willing to compromise, she is not moving an inch.

So here's where i'm at. Do I spend another year of my life trying this idea out with the risk of feelings not changing, or does this relationship end here? I don't blame her, she feels strongly about something and I'm not here to hold her back, and we both also understand that she's the unreasonable one here.

But neither of us want this to end badly. She's honestly more distraught than I am because she's got to make the decision here. We're both on opposite sides of the equation and there is no more potential comprimising, unless she somehow wants to come back after trying it out. I just don't know what to do and am unwilling to come to the understanding that the relationship I've spent my entire adult life in may be coming to an end.

I've rambled here, and the answer might be a simple "let her go", but I just needed to get it all out.
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That is a rough one

I guess it comes down to how you feel about going to Portugal vs. losing her? Doesn't seem like a good idea to try to get her to force herself up here. My kneejerk would be to either try it out or throw in the towel

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I'm excited about the prospect of living there for a few months, but am positive that I don't want to spend the rest of my life there.

She's actually being reasonable in that she appreciates that I'm willing to try to see if her feelings change, but can't promise that they will and that it's unfair to me to put my life on pause for something that is uncertain.
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You should probably take any relationship advice from me with a grain of salt, but would a long distance relationship be possible here? You said you're fine with going to Portugal as long as it isn't a permanent thing, so would both of you be happy if she moved back there to be with her family and you came to visit?
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this is going to sound harsh but you need to break this off

she wants to live in another country and you don't, it's that simple

don't look at the 8 years spent together as an investment you can't throw away, you have your whole life ahead of you, no use spending it miserable in another country
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If I may ask, what is it about living there that makes you certain you wouldn't want to stay there?

In any case, I don't think it's fair for you to table your happiness for her. It's good that you both have laid bare your feelings, but in cases like that where no more compromises are available, you both need to do what makes you happiest, even if it leads you away from each other. I know how tough that would be though, especially 8 years together, holy crap. The wound it will leave in you will likely be enormous. But I've seen what happens when people in a relationship stick with it when they're both unhappy, when they hold on too long even though it's making them miserable. Not that I'm saying it's there for you at this point, but if you stick with it and don't want to it can lead to some bad feelings. If nothing changes, then to me the best thing to do is to go your separate ways.
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On mobile right now so I can't quote everyone effectively, but I'll try to respond generally.

I am unwilling to do long distance relationships. I'm already a little depressed when she leaves, and it would only make me miserable in the long run.

In terms of why I don't want to move there right now, I just don't think I'd be ready for something like that. I really enjoy the way my life is now. I live with and am close with family, and I know that isn't going to last forever and want to cherish it while I can. Maybe in 3 years I'd be open to it? But I can't make any promises and it's equally unfair to make her wait years for me to decide.
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It sounds like the kinda thing where you might get used to it if you tried it with some sorta set deadline? But also the kinda thing where one of you could wind up miserable, which would put a heavy strain on the relationship anyway

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Also, and this is not really a factor at all, but I just don't know what I'd do being single at this point.

8 years, especially the 17-25 years. I don't even know what it's like to go on a first date

I want to stress that this is absolutely a "I can't see myself without her" situation and not a "I don't want to have to find someone else" situation. But I'll be honest and say that I'd feel lost and very lonely if this didn't work out.
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I've been in a similar situation, although I was the one that was set on moving. However, I avoided dating while I was in the States after I realized it to avoid this very scenario. Even now I meet girls I'm interested in who say they want to live in America someday and that's a one-way ticket to the friend zone. Of course, it's much easier to do that at the beginning than after 8 years of dating, and I've never even hit the 2 year mark so I can't imagine how you feel.

What I can say though is that if your girlfriend is like me, she's not changing her mind. So if your plan is to wait a year and hope for her feelings to change, I don't recommend that.
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I say just go down there.

Changing your scenery is great, and nothing in life is as permanent as it feels.
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You might as well take the plunge, depending on the financial situation. Living abroad always opens up new things in life, and right you don't want to lose her and you're open to moving there for a while anyway. If it doesn't work out, you can take it from there, and if it does, even better. I think if you end it now you'll always have a "What if?" scenario stuck in your head.
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My biggest worry is that I try everything and nothing changes and it ends up ending poorly anyway. Would I regret the attempt to salvage it?
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If you go, you may decide you love it and not wanna come back. One thing I do assure you though is that if you try it over there, she is not coming back with you if you decide to come back.

Up to you how to proceed.

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Ultimately, you need to decide what's more worth the risk:

Option 1 - Moving over there under the assumption that she thinks you're there with her forever
Best case: Being able to be happy over there with her forever by adjusting to your surroundings
Worst case: Being unable to be happy over there, and either leaving (which would cause more wounds than breaking it off now would) or sucking it up and just remaining unhappy for her sake

Option 2 - Breaking it off now
Best case: You find another partner who you end up living here with forever, being truly happy
Worst case: Not being able to find someone for the rest of your life

I know worst case in option 2 sounds really dire, but I want to urge caution: Settling is not something someone should EVER do. It is how caustic relationships are born. I generally believe that someone at your age should be able to find someone else, regardless of how hopeless it feels in the time after the breakup. Whether you feel that way, though, is another thing entirely.
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davidponte posted...

My biggest worry is that I try everything and nothing changes and it ends up ending poorly anyway. Would I regret the attempt to salvage it?

How much do you have to lose from going to Portugal for a year? How likely is it that it won't work out if you do?

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Tom Bombadil posted...

How much do you have to lose from going to Portugal for a year? How likely is it that it won't work out if you do?

Well if he knows 100% he doesn't want to live there already, then he is wasting a year going.

He should only even be considering going if he might want to possibly stay there. Cuz she isn't coming back. You can argue that means she doesn't love him if you want because you should be willing to go anywhere for those you love, and you can argue it vice versa regarding him.

These kind of things can also cause resentment. If he resents her for making him move there because he loved her.

It is a tricky situation. I say only go if you might want to stay there. If you know you won't, cut your losses now.

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ever think maybe she's in a long distance relationship and when you move to Portugal she dumps you?
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For the record, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Wanting to live in the USA is reasonable. Wanting to live in Portugal is reasonable. They just don't work together.

I suggest going there for a year (since you don't have a job here anyway, and it sounds like you can find something there). I don't think you'd regret trying, since (1) you liked the place well enough on visits, (2) overseas teaching probably looks good on a resume(?), and (3) it's probably better than always wondering "what if I had gone to Portugal with her?" But in the event that your mind doesn't change, then:

GranzonEx posted...

this is going to sound harsh but you need to break this off

she wants to live in another country and you don't, it's that simple

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Just go to Portugal.
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Still on mobile:

In response to Emerald, your two options were no joke the exact same hypotheticals I initially posed to her. It is where we came to the conclusion that we'd have to decide whether the risk of option 1 is better than option 2, which neither of us want.

In response to Mzero and Corrik, I both didn't want to hear what you're saying and also glad to hear it, because in my mind I'm clinging to this hope that she'll change her mind, and even she says she might, but the reality is that she almost definitely won't and I now have to recognize and think that.

In response to Tom, I have almost nothing to lose from going there for a year, but she has told me that time probably isn't a factor. Being there for 3 months doesn't make it less likely she changes her mind than a year does, as of now. I guess what it might do is ensure that I know for sure where I stand.
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Drakeryn posted...

For the record, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Wanting to live in the USA is reasonable. Wanting to live in Portugal is reasonable. They just don't work together.

I suggest going there for a year (since you don't have a job here anyway, and it sounds like you can find something there). I don't think you'd regret trying, since (1) you liked the place well enough on visits, (2) overseas teaching probably looks good on a resume(?), and (3) it's probably better than always wondering "what if I had gone to Portugal with her?" But in the event that your mind doesn't change, then:

GranzonEx posted...

this is going to sound harsh but you need to break this off

she wants to live in another country and you don't, it's that simple

This is a solid point. Career wise it might actually be beneficial for me in the long run.

I live in Canada also, but it doesn't make a difference.
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Granted it's not as much of a culture change but I moved to the US from the UK because my ex-wife didn't want to live in England. I originally agreed to do it on the proviso that we would move back to England after 2-3 years if I didn't like it or was homesick. It is now 7 years later, we have been split up for 3+ years and I am still happily living in the US and have no plans of moving back to England (I visit once a year).

Obviously not the exact same as you as there's a language change and it seems she isn't willing to consider that possibility? I would say worst case it is worth trying the move over there. If you love her, you should probably be willing to try the unknown and see what happens. Seems silly to throw away a long term relationship over something that is unknown

davidponte posted...

In response to Tom, I have almost nothing to lose from going there for a year, but she has told me that time probably isn't a factor. Being there for 3 months doesn't make it less likely she changes her mind than a year does, as of now. I guess what it might do is ensure that I know for sure where I stand.

Yeah she is 100% not going to change her mind, since she's lived both. You're the only one who might change.
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thank you for sharing this with us

all i can say is that your life is going to change no matter what you do. there's nothing you can do to stop it. breaking up with your girlfriend to keep your parents healthy, your job amazing, and your friends available won't work

i have a second thing to say. you don't have a responsibility to make the hard decision for her. i know that as a man it can feel that way (some might call it 'the lingering vestiges of a patriarchal society' or something), but you're both human and equal- she can end it just as easily as you can and she understands the risks. you care about her and want to make guarantees about the future, but no one can do that. it is impossible. she knows you aren't guaranteed to stay with her in portugal forever. if you want to try, try. if you don't, don't. if you try and then go back home forever after three months or six months or three years, tough noogies.

you talk about patching things up, but it honestly sounds like there's nothing wrong with the relationship, just with geography. that's not common. as i've heard, the singular, deciding, tautological quality that predicts whether a relationship continues in the long run is the couple's unwillingness to break up. so, how unwilling to break up are you?

lastly, no matter what you end up doing (you're both obviously perched between two hard places), your life is going to be a very fun and interesting ride. things are difficult for everyone from time to time, and this is a very common mid-20s crisis to have
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Oh and just to add to my previous comment. I was the same age as you when I made the move (although the Visa process took like 15 months so I started the process younger than you now)

I'll be in front of a keyboard in 15 minutes to go through some of these replies and my thoughts.

Thanks everyone, just hearing different opinions has helped me tremendously.
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davidponte posted...

I guess what it might do is ensure that I know for sure where I stand.

yeah I was thinking it sounded like you were more likely to get used to Portugal than for her to come around to the US. Basically what Drak said- maybe it's worth a shot that you'd wanna stay after all, and otherwise that should probably be the end

also I don't think I ever actually said it but good luck you are a good dude so I hope it works out well in the long run one way or another

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Got held up with something.

ShatteredElysium posted...

Obviously not the exact same as you as there's a language change and it seems she isn't willing to consider that possibility? I would say worst case it is worth trying the move over there. If you love her, you should probably be willing to try the unknown and see what happens. Seems silly to throw away a long term relationship over something that is unknown

The language barrier is real for sure, and something that'd have to be addressed, but it feels like it's at the bottom of the list of priorities right now. In previous trips, her family has tried to engage me in what English they knew, so an effort was made at least. I think most of the replies here have agreed that it can't really hurt to try, and that has helped immensely to make me feel better about the idea of trying in the first place. For awhile there I thought it was crazy to even entertain the idea at all.

banananor posted...

you talk about patching things up, but it honestly sounds like there's nothing wrong with the relationship, just with geography. that's not common. as i've heard, the singular, deciding, tautological quality that predicts whether a relationship continues in the long run is the couple's unwillingness to break up. so, how unwilling to break up are you?

lastly, no matter what you end up doing (you're both obviously perched between two hard places), your life is going to be a very fun and interesting ride. things are difficult for everyone from time to time, and this is a very common mid-20s crisis to have

I appreciate the kind words, definitely helped to calm me down a little. I do think there is an unwillingness to break up here, and to try to make things work. She has told me explicitly that if she didn't care so much and didn't want it to work so bad she wouldn't be going through all this and would have already made the decision to leave alone.

Tom Bombadil posted...

also I don't think I ever actually said it but good luck you are a good dude so I hope it works out well in the long run one way or another

This means a lot. Thanks.

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davidponte posted...

She has told me explicitly that if she didn't care so much and didn't want it to work so bad she wouldn't be going through all this and would have already made the decision to leave alone.

This part's kinda odd since it doesn't sound like she's really going through much and it's you that has to change everything? Like, this kinda sounds like a guilt trip, almost. Likely not a malicious one, but
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I think ultimately it comes down to how much you truly want to make it work and how much you're willing to give up. It doesn't sound like she's willing to meet you even 10% toward the middle, so you're giving up everything. It could be good to try, since you have no idea if your own personal opinion might change, but I think it'd be wise going in to know that her opinion likely is not going to budge whatsoever, so at some point you're going to have to make another choice.
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I think you're right, and I'm not entirely sure how to feel.

Unrelated to those comments, but there's a large part of me that just wishes things would "go back to normal" and I'm finally beginning to understand that the "normal" I want is never going to happen. It feels particularly bad, to be honest.

There's also a smaller part of me that thinks things will never be truly "good" again. I'm kind of dreading waking up in the morning and having to confront this all over again.

But those are both me issues that I need to deal with.
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I havent read anything so forgive me if it has been brought up already, but have you considered that living there might be enjoyable enough that you decide you want to stay? I only ask because you said youre willing to try living there, you might enjoy it enough to stay long term.
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Her: Which does she want more - you, or to live in Portugal? At this point, it sounds like the former.
You: Which do you want more - her, or to not live in Portugal?

I don't think you can answer your questions until you've given living there a chance. And if this girl is worth it - and since you've been with her for so long, it definitely sounds like she is - you might find a way to be happy over there. And if not... well, is there a way she can figure out how to be happy in Canada? If neither of you is able to find that happiness in each others' homeland, then unfortunately this must be broken off.

You might have to give it a go, especially given how there's no employment holding you to where you are at present. You could teach abroad for two years and then, if you're still unhappy over there and she can't fix it, maybe you could get a job closer to home.

Regardless, this is going to be painful, and I wish you the best of luck, man.
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I recently have been in a similar situation and the bottom line is this: if she is absolutely adamant about living there, and you are only unsure about it, then obviously do it. It's like a +1000 for her and a -50 at worst for you (since you can move back and be no worse off than breaking up in the first place). No brainer.

If you have a real reason to avoid moving there, then that's fine, but it doesn't seem like it. Jobs and such are all fine. You're just apprehensive which is totally normal for such a big decision. It would be ridiculous to break up over this.

Especially since you've been together for 8 years and haven't married yet, it seems like you're subconsciously conflating this decision with marriage. Which is fair because that's what it is. So if you don't want that then don't do it.

Also portuguese is easy af and english is used all over europe pretty often.
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Are you particularly attached to where you are? I think if you lived there a while youd probably be good with it. Its just the jitters of such a big move. Up to you but anywhere becomes home if youre there.

Also you say one of the reasons you don't want to move is because you're comfortable where you are and live close to your family; aka the reason she wants to move to Portugal. I'd say go for it man. It'll be scary and stressful but you're 25. Even if things don't work out you still have all your life ahead of you.
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Without truly knowing the details because I don't truly know the people involved, I would think going to Portugal seems like a decently "safe" option.

It sounds like she has a very supportive family, which benefits the move greatly. I would guess they would be willing to help with all the goes along with the transition like language barrier, living arrangements, employment, etc. If you are unsure if this is true, I'd check with her/them before reaching a decision either way.

She'd be happy, and you'd probably be able to adapt since humans can adapt to almost anything given time. You guys are 25 and probably have 2/3 of your life remaining. This could very well not be permanent.
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I think it's worth a try, I really do. In my current state, having not lived there, I can't imagine it obviously, but I'll never know for sure until I try. That's been the thought in most of the replies and my thoughts as well.

The sinking feeling in my stomach continues to come from the after. What if I don't like it? It's clear from the replies and from my own looking inward that the only mind that's going to change here is mine now.

I just don't know what to do. Despite the idea that it's worth it to try, I feel like that sinking feeling is going to never go away until a final conclusion is reached. I'm sitting here trying to decide what's worse: the feeling of breaking up right now, or the feeling of going through everything with a sinking feeling and knowing if I don't change the result is the same.

I'm honestly not sure what the answer is.
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You should definitely try if you are unsure.

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Change is always scary either way you go.

I don't know how much of a difference this makes but I should clarify that her family is from Sao Miguel (as well as mine), the largest of the Azores islands and not a part of mainland Portugal.

It's definitely more "rural" but they still have all the important stuff, solid internet, cable, mall, a big city. They likely don't have Amazon or a delivery equivalent, odds are comics are going to be tough to find, and I'm not sure on the gaming situation, although I'd obviously bring my stuff over. These are all little things that are a part of my life now that would facilitate me enjoying a life there.

Going from Toronto, with a popularion of 4+ million, to Sao Miguel, where the entire island has like 100 000 people on it, is obviously a huge endeavor.

A "positive", though, is that "life" seems easier there. Her family all own homes and have cars and some of them work at restaurants or the mall, and they still go out and enjoy life.
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Is she dead set on living in Sao Miguel specifically? Maybe you could compromise on mainland Portugal? I'm not really sure about the geographical details. That does make a pretty big difference imo
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davidponte posted...

What if I don't like it?

Then leave lol

(Or try to work it out, but either way you're equal or better off than breaking up now)
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MZero11 posted...

Is she dead set on living in Sao Miguel specifically? Maybe you could compromise on mainland Portugal? I'm not really sure about the geographical details. That does make a pretty big difference imo

The location is important. It's not Portugal that matters, it's her family and the lifestyle. If her family all lived here, this wouldn't be an issue. Her mom came to Canada when she was 18 and every other person in the family stayed behind, so she has no one else here.
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So I potentially have an update. Nothing new in terms of conversation, but some information that may or may not be relevant that I didn't really think about before this.

I just spent some time talking to a good friend of both of ours that has known us both since before we started dating, and she brought up something that I also briefly mentioned to my girlfriend that I probably shouldn't have let be dismissed so easily.

What if there is some sort of prevailing mental health issue here? I don't mean to trivialize in the sense that I think, "because she wants change something must be wrong", but the signs are there. She enjoys being there so much because of family and because of the support she gets. Here, the support isn't there from anyone but me. Her home life isn't the greatest, without going into too much detail, and there are issues there. So when she goes back to Portugal, those issues disappear and suddenly she is showered with support from a dozen people that she only really receives from me and a few close friends here.

I brought up the idea of seeking help, talking to a professional. I did this early on in the stages of our conversation yesterday morning. Our mutual friend then independently also suggested that as the very first thing to do in her talk with me. My girlfriend is adamant that it isn't that kind of issue because she doesn't feel it that way and just feels better there, but I don't think it could make it worse, could it?

The issue now, though, is that I feel like I'd have to backtrack if I was serious about this. To go from, "Hey, I'll try this out", to, "Hey, maybe you should talk to someone before we make any decisions", is going to feel like I've changed my mind about things and don't believe what she believes she's feeling.

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I don't think that is going to go over well, but you can give it a shot. I don't see anything that points to mental health in wanting to live where you want to live. She obviously values her family greatly.

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I get that sinking feeling from thinking about the after, but is that going to be enough to dissuade you from trying at all? Just take it one step at a time.

As for the mental aspect, if she says that that's not an issue then i think you should trust her. It actually could make it worse if you were to suggest seeing a professional, because it might seem you're going to great lengths to convince her of something she doesn't want. If she's not doing that to you, then you probably shouldn't to her.
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davidponte posted...

So I potentially have an update. Nothing new in terms of conversation, but some information that may or may not be relevant that I didn't really think about before this.

I just spent some time talking to a good friend of both of ours that has known us both since before we started dating, and she brought up something that I also briefly mentioned to my girlfriend that I probably shouldn't have let be dismissed so easily.

What if there is some sort of prevailing mental health issue here? I don't mean to trivialize in the sense that I think, "because she wants change something must be wrong", but the signs are there. She enjoys being there so much because of family and because of the support she gets. Here, the support isn't there from anyone but me. Her home life isn't the greatest, without going into too much detail, and there are issues there. So when she goes back to Portugal, those issues disappear and suddenly she is showered with support from a dozen people that she only really receives from me and a few close friends here.

I brought up the idea of seeking help, talking to a professional. I did this early on in the stages of our conversation yesterday morning. Our mutual friend then independently also suggested that as the very first thing to do in her talk with me. My girlfriend is adamant that it isn't that kind of issue because she doesn't feel it that way and just feels better there, but I don't think it could make it worse, could it?

The issue now, though, is that I feel like I'd have to backtrack if I was serious about this. To go from, "Hey, I'll try this out", to, "Hey, maybe you should talk to someone before we make any decisions", is going to feel like I've changed my mind about things and don't believe what she believes she's feeling.

Overthinking.

Just do it man, your life can either be interesting and different or dull and safe. You don't get to have both, and the opportunity to explore the former comes up like maybe a max of 5 times per lifetime. If you have a good head on your shoulders you can make it no matter where you end up.
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Fuck, I don't know what to do. It's clear that everyone here agrees it might not be a good idea, and my friend thinks that it's absolutely necessary.
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