Lurker > Cleo_II

NoxObscuras posted...

In all fairness, between the topic title and the opening post, you really didn't explain any of that. You were fuming about the fact that he ended his message with "my dear" and fuck him and guys like him.

It wasn't until your 3rd, or 4th reply that you explained that he's your peer, trying to you give you orders and that the "my dear" sounded condescending with that context.

I explained the context in the first and second post but people got fixated on the my dear part. Ive clarified several times that its not just the word but the context it was used in. Do people need a drawing too?

At this point this topic is just being used as an outlet for a lot of angry men for them to take out their frustration on.

If any mods are around, would really appreciate you locking it. Its not serving any purpose anymore.

Ahh yes the old, If you dont put up with shitty sexist behavior then youre just an uptight bitch line. Was wondering when Id see that.

And this is why Ive yet to respond to the guy.

Conflict posted...

My point was that it's weird in general no matter who says it. And it's not just old women saying that too

I dont disagree with that. I dont like terms of endearment from anyone Im not already in good terms with. Especially in a professional setting. Ive had random older men and women refer me as dear etc., out in the world. I dont like it but I dont make a big deal out of it. But if its in a professional setting and used in a patronizing way, its obviously completely different and its amazing to me that I have to explain that to some people here.

Harpie posted...

These comparisons some cemen are bringing up just arent relevant. A man being called sweety or dear by an older woman is very different that being called those same names by a man as a woman.

This dude is my age lmao. And same role and level as me but trying to act like my superior. But somehow thats the same as some granny down the street that calls everyone dear in the south and I shouldnt get mad. Yeah, ok lol

CalypsoDoom posted...

Smh you know us wamen always melting down over nothing
also people who think that: *breaks controller and screams racial slurs while gaming*

Lmao

I guess I should have just smiled very nicely and said Yes sir, would you like a refill of your coffee while Im at it? Silly me, wanting to be treated respectfully.

CalypsoDoom posted...

Absolutely is tbh. Imagine not being able to at least say "hey at least I don't go through that at work nor do my male peers" instead of straight up pretending it isn't a problem

Yup. The part where I outline how it was after he tried telling me to do something as if he was my superior keeps getting ignored and the focus has been on the word itself and by random strangers. Its obviously intentionally obtuse to try and stir shit. But Im having a meltdown so what do I know

kinetika_ posted...

My GF (might as well be my wife) outright tells men to not call her "sweetie" or "dear" or whatever. She's a manager at Walmart and deals with a bunch of truck drivers that do that, and she'll just say "Don't call me that, I'm not your ___." It'll catch them off guard, too, because she's just so blunt and up front about things. Sometimes they'll give her some sass or back talk, and she'd tell them pretty rudely to shut up, so she can unload the truck.

Just say things matter-of-factly and with confidence, and a man will respect you (more likely to think you're a bitch, too, but who cares -- you're there to work). If they act like a crybaby, then ignore the bitch fit and redirect it back to the task at hand. This is how my GF has dealt with men all her life, at the workplace, and why she's always in a power position.

Oh I have no issues being direct. When I was in uni I once had some guy who was very touchy feely. I barely knew him and he ran into one day and gave me a big hug like we were friends for years. Told him very directly and politely not to do that again, I dont like getting hugs from people Im not close to. He freaked out and made me to be some kind of psycho and kept bombarding me with questions like why I wasnt ok with it. If this guy wasnt new and someone I have to work with them Id be direct right away. I just dont want to make it weird before giving him a chance.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

100%. Its entertaining to watch unfold for sure

Atarifanboy1977 posted...

What is so bad about this exactly? I'm often called Honey, Dear, Sweetie, and even Darling by random women and men.
If you don't like it. politely ask him to refrain from calling ;you dear. Its not a big deal. More than likely your co-worker meant nothing by it.

As you said, youve been called those terms by random people. Not by a peer in a professional setting asking you to do something like youre some kind of peon. Obviously I wouldnt get mad at some random old person calling me dear at a grocery store or something.

SpaceBear_ posted...

I run a bar and I call everyone "my dear", wtf. Mostly female customers.

Ok. Say youre serving a long ass line of customers and some woman who started a couple of months ago came up to you and said Hey, the person in the back of the line wants your attention. Please get to them now. Thanks dear that would not bother you?

nothanks1 posted...

Aren't most of the Miqo'tes just larping men?

Does it really matter though?

As a big WoW player, I will say FFXIV. Lots of lonely cat girls for you

Lord_Wombat posted...

Jesus christ is this a real topic?

If so, stay away from the southern US or your delicate little sensibilities may be in for a rude awakening.

Lmao Im a woman and a minority. Why on earth would I even want to be in a southern state? You can keep your ingrained racism and sexism for all I care.

Choco posted...

@Cleo_II is this not a possibility? people who only speak english never seem to realize that language barriers are a thing?

Sure, definitely possible. But as I mentioned, if it was just the term Id be more understanding. But the combination of coming across like giving me an order when hes just the new guy that started a couple of months ago is what bothered me.

And I can fully recognize that I might be overly angry being 6 months pregnant and incredibly sleep deprived (4 hours a night). So its not like I went screaming to HR. I vented to the board and feel a lot better. Some people are just really bored and making this topic to be something much different.

NoxObscuras posted...

Weird. I work in Los Angeles and have been called terms of endearment by multiple people. Had a few guys that call everyone boss. And one guy called everyone "my guy" but he wasn't an LA native. Also worked with women that called every guy sweetie, hun, or honey.

But yeah, you have to explain to him that you don't want to be called dear. I hate to say it, but us guys are dense lol. He may not even realize he's being condescending. If he doesn't stop, then go to HR (but obviously don't tell him you're going to HR).

What kind of company do you work for? Ive been in CA for 10 years now and Ive rarely ever been called that by someone I havent already established a friendly relationship with. But Ive always worked office jobs.

Esrac posted...

Dont do that. That is the dumbass shit chicks do that just complicates things.

Hell, this trope is ancient. Woman vents because she's frustrated the guy doesn't understand what she wants. Because instead of just saying it plainly, she just drops a few stupid hints and expects him to read her mind.

Just keep it simple and tell him plain what you want him to stop doing.

Hell, making joking banter like that is just going to risk more drama, because it can be indistinguishable from flirting.

You say that but you dont have experience with being direct with men as a woman either. Ive been politely direct with men before and got called names or had meltdowns over it . Men will say they want you to be direct but many get butthurt and confrontational after (of course not all or even a majority). He could act nice to me then go around and tell the whole team behind my back that Im such an uptight bitch, etc. That is why I plan on just taking it lightly for now and direct if he does it again. I dont know enough about him personally to gauge what sort of reaction hell have.

im not 13 posted...

Thousands of women and children are being trafficked every day

TC is upset someone used a warm term towards her

Can't make this stuff up

Nice selective reading youve got there. Ive mentioned time and time again it wasnt just the term but the combination of context, which seems lost on you and a few others for some reason. But then again with the kind of men that frequent this board, Im not surprised by some of the responses.

CyricZ posted...

Because of people like NOM who will take it as a personal insult that they can't call you whatever they want.

Don't know for sure if that's the type that Cleo's dealing with, but they exist.

Yes thats what I dont know about him. If hell get butthurt and make things weird or not. Like I said, hes new and I barely know him. My instinct is to deflect and hope he adjusts his behavior. If he continues then Ill be direct and if he STILL doesnt stop then its HR.

Vladimir posted...

My co-workers and I called each other chief, boss, captain, etc.

Do people say that where any of you work?

No, not unless theyve become friends and know each other well. Its not common for anyone to throw out terms of endearment where Im from either. I cant remember the last time any coworker male or female has used terms like that with me. Our company is very big on using respectful language in the work space and are huge on training people on it, its a Californian tech company lol

KookyCouture posted...

In the context of the OP it does come across as patronising, especially when it's coming from someone you don't know very well - I do use terms of endearment on a couple of coworkers myself, that's because I've known them for years and they use them on me too so I'll often greet them with "hello my dear" or "how are you my lovely / my dear"

Yup exactly. Its the context and not just the term. If it was a Good morning have a great day my dear! or some shit Id just roll my eyes and go my way. But it was in combination with his request that pissed me off. Please do this cause I said so, thanks my dear is how Id sum up how he came across.

As recruiters, we get thousands of applicants and get messages every day by people wanting us to look at their resume (usually the ones who arent nearly a fit). We try our best, but its not possible to look at every resume and our workloads have been insane. But we never tell another recruiter to review them. We might ping them with a note that someone reached out for feedback on their role but we dont tell each other what to do with it. Only managers will do that in circumstances where its an executives referral or someone important. I took a quick look at who he was talking about and it was a random new grad (the req has hundreds of them and its not an entry level position).

I feel better after venting. Im just going to make a joke like My dear? Am I 80? Lol and hope he gets the point. I was just getting flashbacks of all the times fellow male coworkers treated me crappy or below them when I was an engineer.

BignutzisBack posted...

If I was a woman the things that would bother me the most are pet names from people I don't know and people touching my stomach if I was pregnant.

Oh thank goodness no one has tried touching my belly but I also have been isolating at home because of covid. I would not stand for it.

Imagine thinking referring to your peers in a professional environment as demeaning terms of endearment in 2021 is perfectly ok and being nice. Lmao some people on this board. Must not have worked in any actual professional setting if you think this is ok.

Eat More Beef posted...

That sucks, and I'm not gonna say it's a good thing, but maybe he comes from the West Island of Montreal? I've noticed that "my dear" has been the regular nomenclature for a lot of dudes the past ten years. Just like the chicks always respond with "sweetie." It's really bizarre but something I've gradually gotten used to.

Edit:I should also say it's rather unprofessional.

No hes in Vancouver but moved there from Brazil a year ago. I think if it was just my dear Id be less mad but it was the way he practically ordered me to do a task for him in addition to that.

WingsOfGood posted...

What kind of crap? Being courteous to you and talking you the way they do everyone else?

I am not his dear. I barely know this person. I have a name and its courteous to ask me something politely and use my name, not order me and toss a my dear to make that better somehow.

Esrac posted...

Consider possible cultural differences, I guess.

Like, terms of endearment are very common in the American South. Where I'm from, its not generally a big deal to have someone you've never met before call you honey, sweet, or whatever casually. If its the norm where he's from, he's probably just trying to be cordial.

I could maybe chalk it up to just that if it wasnt for the way he requested I do something as if its expected I would and owed to him. He is my peer and not my manager.

roos1046 Reborn posted...

over react much?

YIKES

Fuck off. Its not an over reaction. Ive put up with crap from male coworkers for years. I used to be an engineer. I cant stand for this kind of shit anymore and I wont.

That shit should be criminal imo.

smoke_break posted...

You need to calm down. "Hey, can you not call me that?" Just try that first before going to HR.

Thats probably what Ill do. Like I said Im just being hormonal right now and needed an outlet for it. I have no intention of reporting him off the bat but I want to lol

The only thing I can give him is hes from Brazil and moved to Canada a year ago so it might be cultural but I dont give a shit. Fuck off with that crap.

E32005 posted...

were they mansplaining?

No but asked me to look at someones application and give feedback. With no context as to why. The req has hundreds of people in it so its impossible to review every single resume. It was basically Can you look at this persons resume and give them feedback? Thanks my dear

Fuck that so hard

Squall28 posted...

How old was he? Old woman call me honey lol

He looks to be late 20s or early 30s

No_U_L7 posted...

i hate "this is how it's always been done" as an excuse. you've been doing something wrong for 100 years and are just ok with doing it wrong for the rest of humanity?

Fucking exactly. I dont have women talking to me like that either. Im in California not some state in the south where this is normal

Why do some men do that? The context is pretty bad too. Basically sent a slack asking me to take a look at something and thanks my dear. Hes new to my team and I hardly know him. Im honestly pissed off and wont respond to him. The hormonal pregnant side of me wants to report his dumb ass or tell him off but I wont. Fuck guys like him so hard. I have a name and its not my dear. Ugh just wanted to vent somewhere.

I made the same switch a couple of months ago. I loved my 7 but really have been loving my 12 pro also. You get used to not having a home button eventually.

I went to an Amazon Go store a while back and that was the best experience. No need to scan anything. Just get the app, grab items and go.

Craziness. We are a team of 8 and all 3 are pretty senior. Basically, my company was acquired and our recruiting teams merged last year. Its been a disaster and most people (from both sides) are unhappy. Im basically taking on my workload plus another recruiters until they can hire someone else. The silver lining is they promoted someone Ive been mentoring and she will be assigned to help with my workload and Ill be training her, etc.

Ive thought of leaving too. I came back dec 2019 and there were talks of getting me a promotion in 2020 (they knew one of the reasons I initially left was lack of growth and they promised they would work with me on it and it was a condition for my return). Then the merger happened and I was told it couldnt go through because now the other company controlled it. I was given opportunities instead for this coming cycle. I got pregnant so its not a time to leave anywhere but Im going to see how promo cycle goes in the next couple of months. If it gets denied again Im going to have to line up options for after my mat leave. Though Ive already had 3 people in my network reach out to me out of the blue to tell me if I ever came back from mat leave and wasnt happy, to give them a call.

In the meantime Im just trying to keep my head above water. The roles I need to fill are highly technical, competitive and extremely difficult to fill. And I keep getting new requests added. Sigh I wish I could have a drink so bad.

Yes theyre great. When I was super nauseous they were one of the few things I can eat.

Fuck her. She knew what she was doing. The whole custody scheme proves it.

I havent logged in in months. Ive been wanting to at some point. I hated the swimming patch they added and never went back lol

MedeaLysistrata posted...

Yeah, I dont have an open smile pic which might be the one thing that is the issue. >_>;

I do need a few more decent pictures. But basically zero matches is kinda bullshit regardless since the three I do have are pretty summary

You have no idea how competitive it is on dating apps. I opened a profile on OkCupid last year for fun. My husband wanted me to see how bad online dating was since I never did it. I had about 1,000 messages in 24 hours. Theres just no ducking way to read them all or keep up. You do need to stand out somehow and mediocre pics and nothing in your profile is not going to get women to notice you. Its not you personally, its just that they are bombarded by men online.

Hard to say much without seeing the pictures. Are you smiling in them? Are they flattering? What do you have in your bio? Does it sound negative?

Legend of Dragoon. You really had to nail those combos

Most of mine are and its annoying. I have to throw a bra on and everything. Terrible

JBaLLEN66 posted...

women want a guy that's wild, unpredictable, and alpha in public, but emotional, soft, and puts her first when no one is watching, that also has a degree, that also has a lot of money, that is also good looking, that is also above 6ft tall, and also humble with a spicy sports car or 75k lifted truck.

Do men really believe this drivel?

They did shoot a woman dead

Red chili flakes is my go to for some spice. A bit of toasted sesame oil. Cornstarch to make it thicker.

Congrats!!

I wonder if a lot of our parents are just bored. I cannot call my dad without having to listen to an hour rant about how much Trump sucks and covid doom and gloom. He just regurgitates cnn talking points for the entire call, because its all he watches all day. I dont like Trump and I agree covid is horrifying but I also dont want to talk about those subjects for hours. But my dad is in his 60s, retired and has nothing else to do with his time.

Its sad but people assumed that voting against prop 22 meant that gig apps like doordash would end. It didnt. It just meant that theyd be forced to treat their drivers as employees and actually provide benefits and such. Doordash ran all sorts of ads to vote yes on it making it seem like all their drivers would be out of a job otherwise. It was deceptive and most people were confused by what prop 22 actually did.

Medium is where its at. Small companies tend to have terrible policies and expect you to do 5 jobs in 1. Big companies tend to see you as just another number and metric. Medium sized company is the sweet spot ime.